To be hurt/narked that new BF doesnt want to stay over.

[watchoutforthatsnail]

Ive been seeing him just over two months, its all going great, having lots of fun. However he just doesnt want to sleep over. He has a few times, but doesnt sleep - says he cant sleep with somone else in a bed and isnt used to it.
Which i supose is fair enough... but, i dont know, makes me feel crap.
We had plans for sat through to sunday. Sat 11pm he develeoped a headache so decided he wanted to go home at 12. he doesnt drive, so i had to take him home. Sunday we saw each other...
We had rough plans for monday night - through till tue, which he posponed till last night. He had been going to stay then, seeing as i have the next day off and could take him to work ( in the same town as me, he lives the next town along).
Anyway - he postponed, no worries. last night we saw each other, all great - until at 11:45 pm he decides hes not staying and wants to go home, again with me having to take him.
( dd is with her father at this point, this isnt happening when she is about)

I feel its a little bit crap

We are going away for the weekend together and he has said hes a bit worried about the sleeping thing.

Ive not been anything other than understanding, but im a little bit hurt, and then narked off with the late night driving about too.

AIBU and making something out of nothing?

hmmm, hes said he will stay over thur.

How is he supposed to get used to sleeping in the same bed as someone else if he never does it? I'd feel totally used if dp had sex with me then either buggered off home or slept in another bed, talk about wham bam thankyou maam.

If it really is as simple as not being used to sharing a bed, then it's something he can get used to, but I have a feeling there is another issue here. Bedwetting/sleepwalking/night-terrors are still a possibility, maybe he couldn't sleep much because he knows when he falls into a deep sleep he'll have an accident/episode so his anxiety kept him from sleeping soundly? Sounds more likely than just not being used to sleeping next to someone and avoiding getting used to it. Someone who suffers from any of these might be too embarrased to talk about it with a new partner.

The thing is that when you're on your return journey (paid for by you) then he's fast asleep in his bed.

I would say that I wasn't prepared to give him a lift home at night. Say you can't afford the petrol and you're tired and worried about having an accident. If you live in the countryside, too, then say you're not happy in case the car breaks down.

There's a train at 10 pm. Let him get that. Yes it'll spoil his evening and it will spoil yours too, but do that a few times and see whether he thinks it would be worth staying.

I wouldn't have him stay in your daughter's room though. If you ever do introduce him to her, how would that work?

I would see how the week-end pans out. But it should give you an opportunity to talk about how things are going between you and be honest with each other. As a non-driver he probably has no idea that getting you to drive him home when you're tired is potentially dangerous. There may be a medical reason why he has never learned to drive himself, such as epilepsy for example. If there is a reason I think it would be fair to tell you.

The not sleeping together thing; if he isn't prepared to find a way of staying over, albeit on another bed, I would question the future of this relationship long term if it gets on your nerves.

I dont think you are on to a winner with this one im afraid, he seems a bit weird if you ask me and then all this running after him setting an uncomfortable kinda mummy run me about trend dont you think.

Nah for 2 months id give it a miss

Perhaps he has some kind of sleep disorder? Nightmares? Sleep walking etc?

Is there any reason he doesn't have a drivers licence? That could answer another piece of the puzzle. You mention he lives rurally - it must be quite unusual for people not to have a licence when there is very little public transport.

Or could he be an insomniac. I saw a guy for a while and it turns out he sleeps 3 hours max a night. You can imagine the impact this has on his days, even if he is used to it. I simply couldn't progress the relationship and this was a big part of it (though not only reason). He married the next woman he dated and that didn't last long sadly.

As for running around after him, yeah I'd stop that. If he doesn't want to stay over, he can make his own way home. You want to be his GF not his taxi driver.

Good luck for this weekend.

(It could well be there is no mystery - he doesn't have a drivers licence because he can't be arsed and is happy for people like you & his parents to ferry him around. And he like to sleep at home as Mum makes the best breakfast or something silly - in which case ditch him)

"To be fair - hes not being all demanding in like' you will have to take me home'
hes more like ; im really sorry, ill make it up to you type thing. "

How does he make it up to you?

By asking for a another long drive the next time he has "come"? Or telling you about something useful?

He is a numpty.

Look.

He is 29 years old. Lives with his mum. Never been in a long term relationships before. He does not drive. He cant call himself a taxi. He is not caring and considerate but expect you to get up, get dressed, and drive, at his whim.
He naps at work.

Surely you can see that you are wasting your time with this loser.

My money's on him being a bed wetter.

He naps - at work and at yours . Oh I missed that. Sorry but I'd be giving a 20-something regular napper (with everything else going on) a huge swerve!

He's an old man before his time and so set in his ways re sleep/naps/staying over now, imagine what he's going to be like in a few years time ............

he didnt learn yet because he wasnt interested in learning, we have had this conversation. Fuck knows why, some people just arent, too busy with other things in his life. He has now got his provisional licence and is learning.

Im not doing any more late drives, ive told him that, its up to him to sort it out. and obviusly he wouldnt stay in Dds room if she was there, but they havent met yet and certainly wont unless this is sorted out.

His parents dont ferry him around. His dad isnt about and his mother isnt at home during the week, only at the weekends. Its not like hes some teenage boy and i think you might be being a little harsh on him.

and i have asked. and he just says hes not used to sleeping next to someone, and cant sleep and that thats it, its nothing more nad its not my fault.

making it up to me? he has fixed my bed and fixed my blind, which was very nice of him i thought.

This wouldn't work for me as I choose not to date people who still live with parents or don't drive, I prefer things to be more balanced and equal but that's just my personal preference.

I don't think the not sleeping over thing is personal to you or cause for concern but I think he could perhaps show a bit more flexibility and give it a go, at least try to get used to it. Fair enough, if he's still not managing to get any sleep after another few weeks of staying over, but at least he'll have tried to compromise.

That would have been my preference too, i was unsure about dating him for those reasons, i couldnt see how it would work.
Then i got to know him and hes very nice, we get on great, the sex is fab, and we are having lots of fun.

The sleep issue is made worse because he cant drive, if he could i wouldnt mind half as much.
( so maybe those issues do matter inspite of everything else)

If it's just a matter of not being used to sleeping next to someone, then it's just going to be something he also learns, if he wants to have a steady relationship.

Which is going to mean staying over, sleeping next to you (or not) and learning how to do it.
Does sound odd though.

WatchOut - There's a lot of positive things about you two then - he's a nice guy, you get on great, great sex, having lots of fun, he does things for you, eg helping out, household tasks etc. (I think we've all read enough threads on MumsNet to know that this isn't always the case...)

I would try and focus on the positive and enjoy it for now. If it's going to develop into something long-term, perhaps you could encourage him to re-consider the driving lessons as it would help in lots of other aspects of his/your lives if he could drive.

Sometimes I can get hung up on a small detail and overlook the bigger, more positive picture. I can also get hung up on what other people think should be happening in a relationship or what is considered 'normal'. (Not saying that this is you by the way.)

he is learning to drive. that will help loads.

yesterday he got my washing in for me and cleaned the pets out while i cooked, and this was after fixing my bed ( i dont even have tools, he brought some for me) and my blind.

So - that was really nice.
Its just the sleeping thing really. The issue with me having to drive wouldnt be there if he would sleep.

Saying all that, hes said about staying over thur, so that means thur/ fri/ sat night together. AND hes really excited about it and has been to town in hi slunch and brought stupid manly gadgets from the camping shop.

The issue is, i dont want to be taken for a mug and dont want to accidentally end up in an abusive relationship, so im always on the look out for things that arent right.

he is learning to drive

Well that's good to hear. So hopefully in a few weeks/months this won't be an issue. If he chooses not to sleep over he can take himself off home.

yesterday he got my washing in for me and cleaned the pets out while i cooked, and this was after fixing my bed ( i dont even have tools, he brought some for me) and my blind.

This is good to read too, he's mucking in and pulling his weight, seeing what needs to be done and getting on with it.

i dont want to be taken for a mug and dont want to accidentally end up in an abusive relationship

Again, I can't see anything here that suggests either of these things unless you have other concerns you've not mentioned. Have you had experience of this in past relationships and you're overly-cautious?

I say relax for now and enjoy looking forward to your weekend away. You can review things on Monday with hindsight.

(You could also both get really pissed when camping, that should help him sleep. )

Nothing you have said OP leads me to think "abuse".

As we are all oh-too-clearly aware, ALL men have "stuff" or "issues" (well, so do all women ) and it's just a matter of finding the partner whose stuff or issues are not dealbreakers for you or are ones he is willing to work on. Sounds like both might possibly be the case here. As you say, it is early days and he sounds really lovely in a lot of other ways (helping around the house, great sex, being very thoughtful, great sex, sending you nice texts, great sex...) so how about just seeing what happens, not saying "solve this problem now or else"? (Although I don't really think that is what you are saying).

I was going to suggest earplugs as they really help me with sleeping next to DH but I see from one of your previous posts that he already uses them.

I can sympathise with your boyfriend because I always go to bed before DH and try to fall asleep before he comes to bed. If I'm still awake it takes me ages to fall asleep with him there, and I have a much more broken sleep.

Could you make it a little project that you work on together? First night, he sleeps in your bed and you sleep in DD's room (I think that's better anyways; there is something a little bit creepy about him sleeping in DD's room when they haven't even met, even though she's not there). Then the next night or next week, you wait until he's asleep in your bed and slip in beside him. Then the next week, you go in when he's sleepy but not 100% asleep. this sounds like controlled crying or sleep training a baby etc. etc.

Only you can decide if he's worth the hassle!

numberlock - yes, abusive marriage. verbally/ emotionally and physically.
so im just aware of not falling into making excuses for people.

To be fair this is the first two times hes bailed, all the other times hes slept over.. but not slept... so i knew it was an issue. he was ill sat night, he looked like crap and had said he was ill when we had gone out hours earlier and tuesday could have been becuse he ws still really tired from that.

i think that ive told him now, and i just have to see what happens really.

All makes sense, WatchOut, I think we all bring past experiences to current situations and it's understandable that you're cautious. I still don't think you have anything to worry about (for now). It's probably just been magnified more this week with your daughter being away and seeing each other more often.

Enjoy your time together and have a great weekend. x

Have you seen his bedroom at home? Is there something about it that's different to yours? (grasping at straw here).
Has he had a bad expereince sleeping with someone?

I didn't man to offend when I asked if your bedroom/bathroom are clean...not EVERYONE'S is.

Maybe he's just a fussy bugger...my DH admits freely that he'd rather have his own room....I wouldnt mind either!

Bed wetter? Epilepsy? Sleep walking?

What would he say if you offered him the couch?

Confused as to why people think he must be a bed wetter/sleep walker/other health-related issue. He's telling the truth - he just doesn't sleep well with another person, not everyone does!

It doesn't have to be a deal-breaker, let's help the OP focus on the positive things in the relationship.

OP, if it helps.. my OH was just the same when I started dating him.

Had my own flat (no kids), he lived 25miles away with just his mum.. he was 34!!!! and could drive.. but had "issues" with no sleeping in his own bed.. he had a special mattress for his back that he couldn't bear to be apart from.

I was okay with it at first, but a little hurt.. gradually things improved with a bit of a push from me.

To be honest, I suspect it was more an issue with his mum really. Feeling like he was betraying her, he wasn't used to staying out or some other pansy reason.

He is "odd" in a lot of ways.. sometimes I really wish he would man up!! lol.. but we have been together over 3.5yrs now, lived together for nearly 2 years, and are getting on ok.

He has adjusted loads, and it was a struggle.. but, like your guy, he makes up for his strange ways in lots of other ways once I showed him how.

Living at home meant he wasn't independant at all, and a total mummies boy, but this can be changed.

Good luck, keep dating and encouraging him to try and see what happens, no need to rush.. no need to make a decision. Just enjoy the fun and see where it goes xx

p.s all friends I spoke to about his strange ways told me to ditch him, but I'm glad I didn't :)