Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt/narked that new BF doesnt want to stay over.

153 replies

watchoutforthatsnail · 25/07/2012 09:21

Ive been seeing him just over two months, its all going great, having lots of fun. However he just doesnt want to sleep over. He has a few times, but doesnt sleep - says he cant sleep with somone else in a bed and isnt used to it.
Which i supose is fair enough... but, i dont know, makes me feel crap.
We had plans for sat through to sunday. Sat 11pm he develeoped a headache so decided he wanted to go home at 12. he doesnt drive, so i had to take him home. Sunday we saw each other...
We had rough plans for monday night - through till tue, which he posponed till last night. He had been going to stay then, seeing as i have the next day off and could take him to work ( in the same town as me, he lives the next town along).
Anyway - he postponed, no worries. last night we saw each other, all great - until at 11:45 pm he decides hes not staying and wants to go home, again with me having to take him.
( dd is with her father at this point, this isnt happening when she is about)

I feel its a little bit crap

We are going away for the weekend together and he has said hes a bit worried about the sleeping thing.

Ive not been anything other than understanding, but im a little bit hurt, and then narked off with the late night driving about too.

AIBU and making something out of nothing?

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 25/07/2012 09:42

He could have genuine reasons for not being able to sleep well with another person. You will have to talk to him some more to find out about that but he might not yet be ready to open up that much if it's for traumatic reasons.

As to going home, if you don't want to drive him, let him know in advance so that he can make other arrangements. Learning to drive would be a good idea and in the meantime, perhaps he could ride a bicycle?

If you think he just doesn't want to be with you other than for sex, then it's up to you to decide whether that's enough for you or not.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 25/07/2012 09:43

He might have all sorts of legit reasons why he finds it hard to sleep, but I'd think he'd compromise occasionally given you have to drive him home and you'd quite like him to stay over. That'd be normal. Him insisting on going home every time, and especially breaking plans to stay over for something like a headache, makes it sound as if he just can't be bothered very much.

Unless he is wonderful, why bother with him?

He'll have the same selfish attitude to other things too.

BalloonSlayer · 25/07/2012 09:44

"he couldnt walk home - its 12 miles to his house, so i have to drive."

no, he could order himself a TAXI.

Whatever his reasons for wanting to go home, he is taking the piss by having you drive him.

Fireandashes · 25/07/2012 09:44

I was going to suggest sleep issues that he's embarrassed to raise - one of my relatives has a form of claustrophobia which manifests itself as not being able to sleep in unfamiliar rooms in total darkness - they wake up stressed and screaming.

Or he may genuinely struggle to sleep in a bed with someone else (I do, and although DH and I do usually share a bed, he occasionally sleeps in the spare room to give me a break from his snoring and acting out dreams.

However I can understand why you're hurt over this, especially so early into the relationship. And echo putting your foot down over the late-night lifts home! His issue, up to him to sort out a way round it. It would be interesting to know if his attitude towards you changed if you stopped acting as his unpaid chauffeur.

geegee888 · 25/07/2012 09:44

You don't have to drive OP. He could get a taxi. Is he making any plans to obtain his driving licence and own transport?

Honestly, I'm a bit gobsmacked about how much you are running around after him. He sounds so irritating as well. How can you bear it?

Not just the refusal to stay over (why can't he just man up?) but the neediness in being driven home and especially the frequent cancellation of plans. Very, very irritating. But I have notoriously low tolerance for such.

lambethlil · 25/07/2012 09:45

He could get a taxi. But really op this early on I'd dump him. You're establishing an unhealthy dynamic of his needs trumping yours and you being far too accommodating.

WorraLiberty · 25/07/2012 09:45

A friend of mine had a similar problem with someone she met and it turned out he was an occasional bed wetter.

He was 27yrs and his brother was 30yrs and they both wet the bed.

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 25/07/2012 09:47

ive met his mother this weekend just gone.
And he is very cuddly and affectionate at all other times, including post sex, and hes the one reaching for a cuddle, he likes it, he told me.

We are doing lots of other things, other than just sex, so i dont think its just about the sex.
he is also learning to drive, but thats not a quick solution.
he doesnt wet the bed- lol
and is the age he says he is - 29.

OP posts:
FallenCaryatid · 25/07/2012 09:47

If he doesn't want to stay, he needs to get himself home.
Is there a big age or experience gap between you? How do his parents feel about the relationship and are they pressurising him in any way?
Two months is nothing in the life of a relationship. It's a very small amount of time.

FallenCaryatid · 25/07/2012 09:48

Has he had a long-term lover before?

geegee888 · 25/07/2012 09:48

He just doesn't sound very manly OP. "not used to it" - he just sounds like a bit of a sap.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 25/07/2012 09:49

So what does he do for you that he'd prefer not to do?

Or do you always do things his way when you'd prefer not to?

If you are too different, or if he always expects you to adapt to what he wants, TBH I don't see it going happily.

At 29, I would think most people would be eager to stay away from their parents' home for the night!

FallenCaryatid · 25/07/2012 09:50

He sounds like a boy living at home.
Which is odd as he's 29 and appears less independent that my 21 year old.

Maryz · 25/07/2012 09:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AmberLeaf · 25/07/2012 09:51

I was going to suggest bedwetting too.

How can you be sure he doesn't OP?

diddl · 25/07/2012 09:51

I agree he should get himself home.

Sounds as if he´s too embarrassed to face his parents!

LineRunner · 25/07/2012 09:53

As he's working, why can't he call a minicab and pay for himself to get home?

Maghribia · 25/07/2012 09:55

Look, seriously. I think some posters are extrapolating this somewhat. I don't wet the bed or have a curfew and I hate sleepovers. He probably just hasn't had a long term relationship.

What is definitely not on is ferrying h home. That makes him seem somewhat pathetic. On that reason alone I would call it a day.

BalloonSlayer · 25/07/2012 09:55

Have you met his parents? Because he sounds like a child.

There are so many things in your posts that sound as if you are talking about a 12 year old who can't do sleepovers and expects to be mothered.

says he cant sleep with somone else in a bed and isnt used to it. You're an adult. Adults sometimes have to share a bed. GET used to it.

Sat 11pm he develeoped a headache so decided he wanted to go home at 12. he doesn't drive, so i had to take him home. Ever heard of paracetamol? "decided he wanted to go home" WTF?

11:45 pm he decides hes not staying and wants to go home, again with me having to take him. If he "decides" he's not staying, he needs to also "decide" how he is going to get home.

We are going away for the weekend together and he has said hes a bit worried about the sleeping thing. So now he is trying to make it your problem. Sounds like he is hoping you'll say "Don't worry sweetie, if you can't get to sleep, I'll just pack the tent up in the middle of the night (you can sit in the car where it's comfy) and I'll drive you home to your own beddy byes."

he says he knows that i wouild like him to stay. But that he wont sleep and will be really tired at work - which is fair enough, cant argue with that. Because no one can ever be allowed to be tired at school work for one day, can they? FGS don't ever have a baby with him!

Hmm x 1,000

The really funny thing is that you ask AIBU and making something out of nothing? and everyone has said YANBU and now you are defending him.

Callisto · 25/07/2012 09:56

Jesus. He's 29, doesn't drive and lives with his parents. I'm struggling to see what you see in him. He sounds immature and selfish. Has he ever had a long term relationship?

StuckInTheFensAwayFromHome · 25/07/2012 09:57

I understand the not being able to sleep well, when someone else is in the bed. I don't understand why the expectation is that you should be driving him home.
I'd be having a conversation regarding the future - does he want to have a relationship where you do spend the night together - so when is he going to start learning to sleep with you in the bed - why is he not (being normal) and doing that straightaway - particularly given that he isn't taking ownership of his problem and expecting you to drive him.
I'd start the conversation with this as a specific - but I'd want to be exploring his other attitudes because there are some big warning flags that he may have selfish tendencies, and I'd want to explore if that extends beyond this issue.

ladyintheradiator · 25/07/2012 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 25/07/2012 09:57

Well, he has stayed over a few nights, and didnt wet the bed. I dont think thats the issue. On the nights he stayed over he just didnt sleep - so i ended up feeling bad about it.

i dont think hes had a long term gf before - he cant have done, else he would be used to sleeping with someone - yes?

To be fair - hes not being all demanding in like' you will have to take me home'
hes more like ; im really sorry, ill make it up to you type thing.

but unless something gives i cant really see how the relationship can progress really. Esp since i cant do late night runs when DD is around and i have her 12 out of 14 days.

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 25/07/2012 09:57

Yeah, but surely even if you hate 'sleepovers', at some point in a relationship you have compromise to what the other partner wants? If this bloke cannot ever countenance living with someone, the OP needs to know that - maybe it's not a deal breaker for her. But if him insisting it's his way over her way in everything they do, that's a problem and for me, this would be a warning sign of that.

It's not ok in a relationship just to say 'well I hate doing that so I won't' about everything.

MothershipG · 25/07/2012 09:58

Frankly I think he just needs to get used to it and that won't happen if you are ferrying him home every time.

My DH (similar age, similar situation) took a little while to get used to actually sleeping with me. Wink So he had a few sleepless/restless nights, I was worth it, he got over it and now doesn't sleep well if I'm not there. Smile

Tell him practise makes perfect.