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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt/narked that new BF doesnt want to stay over.

153 replies

watchoutforthatsnail · 25/07/2012 09:21

Ive been seeing him just over two months, its all going great, having lots of fun. However he just doesnt want to sleep over. He has a few times, but doesnt sleep - says he cant sleep with somone else in a bed and isnt used to it.
Which i supose is fair enough... but, i dont know, makes me feel crap.
We had plans for sat through to sunday. Sat 11pm he develeoped a headache so decided he wanted to go home at 12. he doesnt drive, so i had to take him home. Sunday we saw each other...
We had rough plans for monday night - through till tue, which he posponed till last night. He had been going to stay then, seeing as i have the next day off and could take him to work ( in the same town as me, he lives the next town along).
Anyway - he postponed, no worries. last night we saw each other, all great - until at 11:45 pm he decides hes not staying and wants to go home, again with me having to take him.
( dd is with her father at this point, this isnt happening when she is about)

I feel its a little bit crap

We are going away for the weekend together and he has said hes a bit worried about the sleeping thing.

Ive not been anything other than understanding, but im a little bit hurt, and then narked off with the late night driving about too.

AIBU and making something out of nothing?

OP posts:
NovackNGood · 25/07/2012 09:59

If you are going away for the weekends why not just get a room with twin beds. Far better than having to share a bed with someone else moving in the night or breathing to air in your direction anyway. Intimacy is fine when awake but nothing worse than being woken in the night.

Why can't he find his own way home though? But then again you seem to think that after only 2 months together you have plans for nearly every night of the week with him. Don't you have other friends or family to spend time with at all that you are in each others pockets day in day out after 2 months?

FallenCaryatid · 25/07/2012 10:00

It sounds like you want more from this relationship than he's ready for.
Tell him why you are not happy, stop driving him everywhere as if you were his mother and set some parameters and expectations for an adult relationship.
Then see if he's up for it.

TroublesomeEx · 25/07/2012 10:01

I went out with some pretty immature men when I was in my teens/very early 20s and before I knew better.

But by 29 I'd be expecting to be dating a man, not an adolescent. What kind of man would expect his girlfriend to drive him home after sex, and what kind of woman would do it?! Confused

If he can't stop over or sleep in the same house as his partner, and you can't do late night runs to take him home 12 out of every 14 nights, then this 'relationship' ever going to progress!

TroublesomeEx · 25/07/2012 10:02

relationship is never going to progress.

geegee888 · 25/07/2012 10:03

If the reason for him not staying over is that he won't sleep and be tired the next day, he will pretty soon get used to it and sleep when he's tired enough, won't he?

Seriously OP, what kind of man behaves like this? One with some form of social problem, I would have thought. Isn't he a bit embarrassed about still living at home with his parents at 29, never mind expecting to be driven home and unable to stay the night with is girlfriend? Where is his pride?

Maghribia · 25/07/2012 10:03

LRD, that's it exactly. I don't do live-ins or plan to be with someone who wants to,.so it works, but obviously it would be a deal breaker if they wanted something more serious.

OP, I think you have to view him as a man you sleep with for fun, not as boyfriend material. Perhaps this could suit you as you still have a young dd?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 25/07/2012 10:07

Yeah, I think it works when you know what you want, maghribia ... just not if this bloke can't be bothered to admit he's not serious.

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 25/07/2012 10:07

We dont have plans for every night of the week. Im not seeing him now till friday.
DD is with her father, so its nice to be able to see more of each other, prior to that it was maybe twice a week.

I did say to him last night about how we were going to solve the issue - and how he was going to get used to it and he said something about seperate beds and sucessful marriages having people that sleep seperatley.
hmmmm

which seems that maybe hes not even going to consider doing anything about it.
Bollocks, not good is it.

I think ill wait and see what happens this weekend and go from there.

Also, the following weekend we have an evening in london planned/ booked. train wont come back in till almost 1am. We both have work the next day - there is no way in hell im then driving him back to his, and then back to mine, when i only live 5 min drive from the station myself, so i need to tell him that too.

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 25/07/2012 10:10

Does he get that he's not being very nice to you?

It sounds as if he thinks the answer to 'what are we going to do' is 'this is what I will do because my needs matter most'.

If it matters so much to him he foresees sleeping in separate beds, is that a dealbreaker for you?

I am wondering what else he does by way of compromise - none of my business, but please think about it as it sounds like a red flag to me and I do think a selfish partner is such a drain on anyone, it's just not worth it.

EvilEnabler · 25/07/2012 10:10

I am another one who finds it very difficult to sleep in the same bed as someone else, and I think I only manage it with DH because we have a king size bed, and he stays on his half of it, and once he's asleep he doesn't thrash or snore. Which is fortunate, as any kind of motion or noise (or just that awareness of another person) when I am trying to sleep makes me feel twitchy.

Sharing a bed with men in the past (and ending up sleep-deprived) has made me feel quite irrationally resentful towards them - so I used to avoid sleepovers where possible so I could carry on feeling friendly and loving towards them!

BUT - I tried to grin and bear it sometimes, and the rest of the time I just sorted out my own way home, or decamped to the sofa with the minimum of fuss.

I have tried to get used to sharing a bed with another person, but I just haven't fully been able to (though I am better than I used to be - couldn't even share a room with other people at one stage!) but even now if I have to share a double for some reason with DH I don't sleep a wink all night as I am just so hyper-aware of him.

I wouldn't necessarily take his refusal to sleep over as an insult or a slight to you. He may well have the same kind of sleep issues as me. But it would be nice if he did at least try to improve rather than whinging that he will be tired for work. What does he do that it is so important that he can't take a broken night occasionally? you're going to say brain surgeon now aren't you Heaven help him when he has kids - then he might learn what sleep deprivation really is Grin

FallenCaryatid · 25/07/2012 10:12

Yes, you do need to tell him, and to tell him that he needs to find his own way home.
Why are you prepared to put up with him? Amazing sex? Stunning good looks?

AmberLeaf · 25/07/2012 10:13

If he didn't sleep when he stayed over he wouldn't have wet the bed.

NovackNGood · 25/07/2012 10:16

So your not seeing him until tomorrow. :)

Separate beds is by far the best thing with two nice queen sized beds or even separate rooms that you can retire to and no one wakes the other when they come home late or rise early.

Is there not a station closer to him after you have been to town for the night that he could take the train to to save you the extra journey. Surely there will be taxis at the station to catch the folks who get off the train anyway so he could get one of them.

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 25/07/2012 10:18

yes, thats a dealbreaker for me.
i dont want to be cuddled all night, far from it , i dont like someone in my space when im asleep - but i cant see the issue with just sleeping in the same bed, there is enough room....

I think ill have to see what happens at the weekend - when he hasnt got a choice. If in fact hes actually ok, then the late night runs will stop - or he will be dumped. Or - if it is an actual issue - we will have to talk about what we are going to do, and if hes not willing to do anything, then ill have to dump him.

OP posts:
cuntflapwankbadger · 25/07/2012 10:18

Nothing wrong with separate beds you know! My DH is a nightmare to sleep with and I don't enjoy the "held all night" stuff either. I would much prefer separate beds, but as DH wouldn't, I am aiming at getting a 7ft bed as soon as I have money for one, to give me distance and personal space but we're still in the same bed iyswim. Haven't scientists done a study on this? With the outcome being you get better rested alone?

cuntflapwankbadger · 25/07/2012 10:20

I am so happy that other people feel the same as me! Grin

LRDtheFeministDragon · 25/07/2012 10:20

Well, there's nothing to feel guilty about if two months in you're just not compatible! There's nothing wrong with him wanting separate beds and nothing wrong with you not wanting them - but there is no point in keeping on letting him have it his way if you are not happy and see no sign it'll change.

FallenCaryatid · 25/07/2012 10:21

Just be truthful about why you are dumping him, so he understands what his inflexibility has cost him.

lambethlil · 25/07/2012 10:22

Good Luck OP- it might be that when he's sees that you do mind he'll accommodate you, and this will have been a good 'here are my boundaries and needs' exercise for you both.

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 25/07/2012 10:23

No trains - he lives rurally - latest one to his is 10pm.

Im not seeing him till friday afternoon....

Im certainly not buying another bed!!! essentially if this is a long term problem its too much of an issue to me, i havent got the time nor inclindation to deal with it. That sounds harsh i think, but its true.

OP posts:
hatesponge · 25/07/2012 10:24

Watch it's tricky isnt it.

I had a bf years ago who ALWAYS refused to stay at my house. He also lived at home with his mum, while I had my own house with DS1. We went out for nearly a year, and not once did he ever sleep over (think he nodded off on the sofa a couple of times but took himself off home at whatever stupid o'clock time he woke up). I never got to the bottom of the reason why - he just said he couldnt sleep in any bed other than his own.

Now I understand that, I dont sleep well when I'm not in my own bed with my 5 pillows but there comes a point where you have to kind of get over yourself and do it, surely? I've had nights of no sleep, slept on sofas. Think I may even have slept on the floor once cos an Ex's bed was so uncomfortable. I'd never have expected to be driven home in the middle of the night though.

My old bf was a great guy in many ways. He helped me with loads of stuff around the house, would just go off and do jobs without me even asking for his help, would buy little odds & ends for my house cos he noticed things needed replacing or were missing. He was also really good with DS1 (who was just a baby then), used to take me shopping (I was the one who didnt drive) BUT we never felt like a real couple. There were other issues as well as the not sleeping over thing, admittedly, but I never felt I could see much of a long term future with him at least partly because of that.

I think this is the kind of thing that if you let it will just fester and become a bigger issue than it needs to be - if that makes sense?. I can see that because of having to give him a lift home it's a lot more irritating than the situation I was in. Agree that you should see how the camping weekend pans out & go from there, it may be you end up having a bit of a chat about it naturally over that weekend anyway.

KellyElly · 25/07/2012 10:25

I think sleeping together is part of the intamacy after sex - especially in a new relationship. I know he's probably not meaning it to be like that but I would feel a bit used. Tell him it's important to you and come to a compromise liek he stays over ever other time or something like that. He won't get used to sleeping in a bed with someone until he trys. Also what if your relationship goes further and you end up getting married - seperate rooms for life?!

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 25/07/2012 10:26

I think he knows i mind. maybe he doesnt know by how much.

OP posts:
MigratingCoconuts · 25/07/2012 10:29

Sounds like a starnge little person who isn't used to long term relationships to me!!

if he is worth it then work through the issue, if not...ditch him!

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 25/07/2012 10:31

oh heck - im certianly not thinking about marriage after 2 months. jeeze!

Thanks sponge - thats helpful. I do think its the driving that is making it somewhat more annoying that it is...If he just took himself off i probably wouldnt be so narked i dont think.

We did chat about it last night, few times, but i didnt get anywhere other that he just cant sleep in a bed with somone else, hes not used to it, its not me, its him.and well, thats about it.

Intimacy is fine, sex doesnt just happen at night, in bed :) hes very cuddly/ affectionate etc.... all the other times

OP posts: