Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt/narked that new BF doesnt want to stay over.

153 replies

watchoutforthatsnail · 25/07/2012 09:21

Ive been seeing him just over two months, its all going great, having lots of fun. However he just doesnt want to sleep over. He has a few times, but doesnt sleep - says he cant sleep with somone else in a bed and isnt used to it.
Which i supose is fair enough... but, i dont know, makes me feel crap.
We had plans for sat through to sunday. Sat 11pm he develeoped a headache so decided he wanted to go home at 12. he doesnt drive, so i had to take him home. Sunday we saw each other...
We had rough plans for monday night - through till tue, which he posponed till last night. He had been going to stay then, seeing as i have the next day off and could take him to work ( in the same town as me, he lives the next town along).
Anyway - he postponed, no worries. last night we saw each other, all great - until at 11:45 pm he decides hes not staying and wants to go home, again with me having to take him.
( dd is with her father at this point, this isnt happening when she is about)

I feel its a little bit crap

We are going away for the weekend together and he has said hes a bit worried about the sleeping thing.

Ive not been anything other than understanding, but im a little bit hurt, and then narked off with the late night driving about too.

AIBU and making something out of nothing?

OP posts:
mercury7 · 25/07/2012 10:38

i feel some posters are rather dogmatic about what should and shouldnt happen in a relationship!
But as a dyed in the wool solo sleeper i guess i would say that

i'm sure you'll be able to work it out with him watch :)

IvanaNap · 25/07/2012 10:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn as this poster has privacy concerns.

Dahlen · 25/07/2012 10:39

Before I read your thread I though I was going to post YABU and overly needy. Then I read your thread and changed my mind.

It's fine if he doesn't want to stay over I think. But it's not fine to do so relying on your good will to ferry him about. If he wants to return to his own bed late at night then he should be organising and paying for his own transport.

He sounds a little bit odd TBH. The not staying over thing on a typical night sounds completely normal to me, but applying it to weekends away so that you can't actually do them, is very strange.

Do you really want another child? A man who can't drive, still lives with his parents, and can never be less than walking distance from his own bed does not sound like a fully-fledged adult IMO.

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 25/07/2012 10:39

also - hes not once offered me any petrol money to cover the cost, its about £5 a round trip. now im not doing it all the time, but have done that trip 3 times since saturday.
Sometimes i wont do it at all, so its not all the time, but, i dont know. Would you not offer?

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 25/07/2012 10:42

Yeah, I'd offer ... but he probably gets ferried around by his mum and dad all the time.

Sorry, but he isn't sounding like a catch TBH.

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 25/07/2012 10:42

No - DD hasnt been introduced to him, so this is only happening when shes with her father. I wont introduce DD to anyone who isnt a long term prospect.

Im certainly not thinking about more children after just over 2 months, that would be bloody insane!

OP posts:
Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 25/07/2012 10:43

No, he gets the train or walks, and if there is no public transport then he doesnt go.

Maybe he doesnt realise what it costs? i dont know.

OP posts:
Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 25/07/2012 10:46

but see - hes just text me. Hes found a dog grooming place that has a walk in shower. my dog has very very bad hips, i cant shower him anymore, and he cant be lifted ... and all the grooming parlours lift them in. hes spent two days finding one that can do it for me. So, thats nice and thoughtful

And hes thanked me for last night, and said sorry about having to go home.

and then said how excited he is about the weekend.

So - thats all nice. he is nice, i dont know if hes just not realisng this stuff because hes not very experienced in relationships, and because ive not said in a blunt way.

OP posts:
IvanaNap · 25/07/2012 10:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn as this poster has privacy concerns.

BlueMoon74 · 25/07/2012 10:48

He's just not that into you. Sorry.

Maryz · 25/07/2012 10:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 25/07/2012 10:51

Most people can be nice some of the time. Few people are utter bastards 24/7 and if they were we'd all spot them straightaway. He may be perfectly decent and just not right for you, or he may be a bit immature/selfish and also, not right for you.

Say it to him bluntly and stop worrying about whether you're being fair to mind - you're two months into a relationship, you don't need to agonize over it.

MigratingCoconuts · 25/07/2012 10:54

be blunt!!!

blokes don't often do subtle Grin

BIWI · 25/07/2012 10:55

He's not 'realising' it because you haven't told him!

I can completely understand that he may not sleep well in a bed with someone else. TBH, having been married for almost 22 years, there are many times when I would prefer my own bed!

But you taking him all the time is really letting him take the piss. Make him responsible for his own transport. At the moment, you're just acting as his taxi service, and he's taking it for granted.

No need to split with him just yet, but you do need to knock this on the head.

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 25/07/2012 11:03

yes, ive just told him.
Ive text that i am tired today because of the late night driving and that it isnt good and maybe next time he could sleep in DD's room ( ill provide clean bed linen) or on the sofa.

ive text about other stuff too, so its not like its a moan, but its telling him its not happening again, but in a nice way.
I dont mind the odd trip doing it, but im not doing it all the time, its not fair on me.

And i supose his reaction and what happens will be telling and we go from there.

OP posts:
Bunnyjo · 25/07/2012 11:06

Maybe he does have a problem sleeping with someone else in the bed, but it is HIS problem and, as he lives with his mum and dad and works, I imagine he has the necessary funds to call a taxi and not expect you to do a 25 mile round trip. I am very Hmm about a 29yr old man that lives with his parents in a rural location and doesn't have the means to get himself home on a night.

Hopefully you have a lovely weekend away, but if/when this situation arises again, I would say something along the lines of "You're welcome to go home, but I'm not going to take you - I am tired/sleepy and it also costs me £5 each time. Here's a phone, you can call a cab your parents'

Slobby · 25/07/2012 11:07

"he doesnt drive"

Ditch, telling him "I don't want no scrub."

mummmsy · 25/07/2012 11:09

This happened to a friend of mine...turns out? He had a wife and three kids. They had been going out for 2 years and she had literally no idea.

Slobby · 25/07/2012 11:15

Just read he lives at home too. Did you learn nothing from the immortal words of T-Bone, Chili and Left Eye (RIP)?

If you don't have a car and you're walking
Oh yes son I'm talkin' to you
If you live at home wit' your momma
Oh yes son I'm talkin' to you

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 25/07/2012 11:16

he lives with just his mum. Ive been in their house, there were no wives or children hiding behind the curtains :)

I do know a fair few people that dont drive, they arent scrubs, but just dont drive for various reasons. But there is a difference between someone who doesnt drive and still gets about and someone who doesnt drive and expects others to run around after them.

OP posts:
mummmsy · 25/07/2012 11:17

oh I see - never mind then, I'm just being overly suspicious. Still problematic for you though!

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 25/07/2012 11:19

i did nearly not see again after i found out he still lived at home and didnt drive, because i thought they might cause big issues. They havent really, not so far, until this sleep thing.

PLUS, i think its very very common for people to be living at home till, i think 34 is the age in my area ( some study i read on it a while back) so, at 29 its not that unusal. . My brother is lovey and not a scrub, and is 25 and at home with no intention of moving out

OP posts:
SoleSource · 25/07/2012 11:19

I had a female friend whom would never sleep with her lover all night in bed. I asked her why not and she stated because she wasn't serious about him and when she eventually dumped him it would make it easier for them both to move in. IMO it is a fear of intimacy. I would end it. Protect yourself. Its hurting you already.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 25/07/2012 11:20

It depends what you want from this relationship.

If you are hoping he's going to be 'the one' then I think you might be dissapointed, no matter how attentive he is most of the time.

If you are happy just having some fun with him for now, which sounds like it could be a good plan, then I'd let the sleeping thing go and just tell him that you're not prepared to do the late night drives.

That's what taxis are for.

He might think twice if he's having to spend his own money instead of your petrol money.

I wouldn't be bothered about the petrol money though, as long as he isn't tight in other areas.

Slobby · 25/07/2012 11:20

Precisely. He's getting you to run around after him. Telling you he want's driving home at 11:45pm?? Crazy.

I've read the dating thread, and seen how y'all generally attack men for the most spurious of reasons, so I'm incredibly surprised you're putting up with something of this magnitude.