To contact the school regarding comments made about my son on Facebook?

[ColouringIn]

My son is 9 and autistic with ADHD, his difficulties with his sensory environment are largely managed with 1-1 support and Medikinet to help with the ADHD. Using Mediknet was a last resort for me but within three months of starting the drug a year ago he finally learned to read and I could not ignore how much he caught up.

His maninstream school are fabulous with him and he has gone from below average attainment to average within a year.

So.....this week he came off of Mediknet on advice of the GP, to cut a long story short his blood pressure is sky high and it's likely to be the Mediknet wwhich has caused this.

The following day he went into school as usual and it was a disaster - DS ended up under a desk with hands over his ears as he could not cope with the noise in the classroom, his lovely LSA took him out to a quiet room so he could adjust. DS also had a part in the school concert which he has been so looking forward to and the school allowed him to take part as planeed because he had calmed down so much. He got half his lines done and then in error the children missed a small section of the play - this is no big deal and they carried on as planned but for DS it was a disaster as he giot confised and bewildered, he was on stage when he should not have been and evidently realised this as he looked distressed. He then came off the stage and found his 1-1 who tried to calm him down because he was cying not loud as I was in the second row and could just see the tears. His 1-1 took DS out and another child took over his part.

I collected DS from school just after lunch as they could not cope any longer, when I turned up DS got very emotional and started to cry, he cuddled into me and just sobbed and kept saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" over and over because he felt like he had upset everyone.
I kept him off for the last two days of term wth permission of the headteacher and managed to get an emergency appointment with the paediatrician for Wednesday to try and sort things out. It has been a few days of hell trying to get help sorted etc

Then on Friday evening I got a phone call from another parent to tell me that DS had been referred tpo on a Facebook discussion by another parent as "the little shit who ruined the Yr 4 concert". I am devastated because this parent knows me and knows my DS, she is more than aware of his diagnosis. It will have been obvious to all the parents reading this who "the little shit" was.
Even worse this woman has a disabled child herself so should understand the issues but evidently not. Of course the twofaced bitch woman is really nice to my face.

My husband sent her a message (not rude) but just a polite message reiterating that DS is autistic and had become bewildered and confused when the play changed.

Her response was horrific

She was not sorry for referring to DS in this way
She calls her own kids "little shits" sometimes - Nice!
DS ruined the hard work of all the other children
The school were at fault for allowing DS to take part
She "knows" about special needs as she has a disabled child
DS "misbehaved and got away with it".

I have actually deactivated my Facebook account as I don't trust myself not to send my own reponse (which would not be polite).

I have written to the headteacher saying how angry and hurt I am by the comments made about DS on such a public forum and am passing on ALL her negative comments about the school.

I am trying not to let this eat me up but I am struggling I really am. My DS has such a difficult life at the best of times without people making comments like this on Facebook.

Can the school do anything?

Teapots why don't you just go the whole way and not put the dyslexic students writing on display as its imperfections may ruin the display?

Don't let the child in a wheelchair take part in sports day as its harder for them and might ruin it for all the perfect children.

Don't let the autistic children take part in any public performance as they find it hard do instead of teaching them lock them in a classroom.

Don't bother trying to get the child with ADHD to do any work as they find it hard to concentrate.

Don't bother teaching children anything that might be hard for them and may require some patience and understanding.

This really gets to me. Teapots sounds just like the head of my sons old school. Maybe he is.

I wasn't at all shocked when DS started coming on leaps and bounds when moved away from an actively uninclusive environment.

ColouringIn - I am so sorry. What a horrible, horrible woman posting about a child in a negative way on Facebook. You do not slag off other people's children on a public website.

I would definitely raise it with the Head of your son's school. Don't expect her to be able to do anything specific with the individual who made the comments, but I think the head should be aware, particularly as it concerns a school event.

If it helps, my DS (HFA) has got much better at coping with unexpected turns of events as he gets older. I had several similar incidents when he was younger with school plays - but it will hopefully get better.

Big hugs to you.

OP you need to tell the school about this. i am a teacher and i will be honest and say i've never dealt with a circumstance quite like this, but i would want to know and i know the school would take it very seriously. i'm not sure if the school can do anything about the content of the private messages (i'm assuming they were private and not on her wall), but the ones she put out to the public about a child are serious.

i'm going to stick up for teapot a bit as i can sort of see where she's coming from, although i have a different view of the situation. fom what i gather, the child was given a part which he was capable of doing at the time it was handed out, but due to a change in circumstances the week of the school play his ability to carry out the part was limited. i don't envy the position the teacher was in, she had a choice between letting him carry on and do the part where he knew what he was doing and which he wanted to do, giving him a different part that may have suited his needs at that moment of time but which would have lead to confusion for the child (which judging from what the OP has said he also would have struggled with), or not letting him take part. none of the choices are ideal but that's what the teacher was left with. i can't say whether the teacher made the right decision or not because i don't know the child. i think she did what she could in terms of making sure another child could step in and takeover and his LSA was on hand to assist him. from what i gather the two days off was more due to the general effects of being off the medication rather than the school play in particular?

There are too many on this thread who haven't read teapots posts properly and have just let the red mist descend. Very sad.

I once ruined a school performance by getting hysterical when some other kids skipped a section because I was an anxious perfectionist child. Should I have been excluded from such activities because I was sensitive, Teapots? At my comp, the less-mainstream children were segregated and made to do unchallenging, boring crap and kept out of performances and outings. "don't worry their poor little heads about it" was the attitude. That was back in the 80s and I knew it was wrong then.

OP, that woman is a fucking bitch who should be ashamed of herself. However, the only person who has come out of this badly will be her, because she has shown her true colours and my, they are foul indeed. Anyone who agrees with her is similarly immature and vile and not worth bothering about.

I've never thought school performances were actually about the performance per se; I thought that for the children, it was about the learning, fun and inclusivity of working together towards a project and for the parents, seeing the fruits of that labour. What sort of parent goes to one of these things and expects it to be like a trip to the Globe Theatre?! Meltdowns are par for the course and mistakes and upsets are just 'life's rich tapestry' additions to the memories, surely? Any decent parent would feel concern for your son, not an urge to slag him off on a social network.

OP, with what's been going on for your son, taking part at all shows great character on his part. Concentrate on your lovely boy, not that bitch.

oops posted too soon.
i think teapots has a point in terms of not all children are able to take part in school plays. i have taught a couple of children who would have found a school play very distressing and upsetting, and myself and the parents had to make the decision that it wouldn't be in the childs best interests for them to take part yet . i hope they will be able to take part in future school plays though. however, most children i have taught with similar needs to the OPs son have taken part in school plays and have done themselves and the school proud :) even if it doesn't always go to plan!
i think its worth bearing in mind that the teacher had taught the OPs son whilst he is on Mediknet, which he was not taking that week. the teacher and LSAs knowledge of what an error in the production would have on him would have been limited. it's easy to say that they should have an understanding based on knowledge about the condition, but the condition does not define the child. thinking of some children i have taught with autism or adhd (or both) i'm thinking that i would have made this decision for x and this decision for y. if the teacher made the wrong call, it's easy to see how.

What teapots is advocating is simply NOT having a one size fits all approach. She is saying that as a teacher, she uses her knowledge of the child and the school situation to tailor things so that the child has the best chance of learning and being challenged without damaging their self esteem and distressing them. Obviously some people on here would rather have a one size fits all education.. Although no doubt they'd complain if thats what they got!

exactly emmieging. You'd think that exercising judgement and assessing each situation on it's merits/pitfalls is a crime by some of the responses.

So sorry OP that this has happened to you.

My DS has ASD and can be difficult at school. I always worry about being judged by other parents.

In contrast to what happened to you: my friend's son was the only child to completely and totally muff his bit in the Infants leavers' assembly, which was otherwise really well choreographed and performed. The children had to stand up in turn and say their favorite memory of their time at the school. Though he'd been thoroughly coached he just stood there with his tongue out, looking blankly around the room for ages. Even when the TA whispered the words in his ear he couldn't repeat them. In the end the TA said his words for him: "I was proud when I was able to speak a sentence" (he has major speech and language issues). I found it really difficult to watch and knew his mum had her heart in her mouth. The response of the parents was to say 'ahhh' and applaud this little boy. None of the other children got applauded.

Utterly gobsmacked by that awful woman - what a cowbag.

Also pretty gobsmacked at the reception teapots is having. She has NOT suggested that SN children be locked in classrooms or otherwise prevented from taking part in things. Her main concern was for the distress ColouringIn's DS suffered.

Her suggestion that SN children can be included AND stretched in a way that doesn't distress them to the point they can't cope emotionally is hardly radical.

Gah, this is one of the things I hate about Mumsnet - when people totally exagerrate another poster's opinion just because they do not agree with it.

Teapots says that with a bit of thought perhaps the OP's DS's role could have been a bit more carefully tailored to what he can cope with - cue a load of posters descending like vultures to tell her that she obviously thinks that all autistic kids should just sit in the corner and not take part in anything and that she should not be a teacher.

I think the fact that there are parents of children with special needs on this thread who actually agree with teapots, shows that actually, a one size fits all approach in these situations is not appropriate. You have to look at the individual child.

It kind of sounds like dd 5. At the end of term each year grop did a dance. Dd 5 has ASD, her learning support assistant when I asked why dd was sitting on the side said the moves were too complicated for dd . No they were not. There was another autistic boy who took part with his learning support assistant, and she was doing the moves and the boy was copying, dd could have one that. She is autistic not stupid. She is off to an specialist autistic school in sept, hopefully there will be none of that

A school is for LEARNING. This child need to LEARN how to cope with things changing and not being perfect because life isn't. Also the other children in the class need to learn that people need different levels of support, I think that rather than ruining it for those children OP's son will have taught them an important lesson that it is important to be patient and caring to people with different needs.

I am dyslexic and along with the usual rubish spelling I have problems with organisation. We had a school christmas play where i had to be a clockwork doll in one scean (wearing a red velvet dress) and then change into white and be a snowflake in another scean, I compleatly forgot to change and paniked and went on stage when i heared the "snowflake" music. I was in my red velvet dress spinning around with 15 kids dressed in white it looked like a murder had happened in the lovely snowy scean. It's only a small thing and it would have been easier for the teacher to give me 1 part or put me in charge of seating people or something but i am so glad they let me have the same involvement as the other kids even if i did mess up.

I'm sure that the police can do something about the posts although Im not sure the school can. What else was said in this "discussion" OP? Is it posted on her page or was it a private message to the parent who told you about it?

bignut in this case the school did consider the child's individual needs. He'd worked hard for the play and he wanted to go on and do it. They were right to give him that opportunity. Coming off his medication was bad timing, but they were still right to let him try. I suspect the 2 days off were as least as much to him coming off his meds as it was a reaction to what happened. OP is very happy with the school afaik, and it seems that they both support and push. That's all most of us want. Unfortunately for kids with SN it can be like asking for the moon. Sometimes because schools don't care, sometimes because they don't really understand what inclusion is.

The OP brought tears to my eyes. Honestly, it doesn't sound like the play was ruined at all! I am appalled at the FB comments. Really unfair and hurtful.

Disagreeing with teapots isn't the same as advocating a "one size fits all" approach, actually. Quite the contrary.

He'd worked hard for the play and he wanted to go on and do it.
Exactly - the situation was nothing like protecting a kid who is terrified of public speaking, or finding another role for a child who really doesn't want to participate.
As well, the child's parent thought he could handle it.
I did read all of teapots' posts, and I'm not going to villify her, but I do disagree given the facts presented about this child and this case, and I think her original post was badly phrased. Her subsequent posts do clarify and amend her position, but since in this case the child wanted to participate, excluding him from the play would have been the wrong thing.

No advice but just wanted to say I really felt for you & your family reading that post... Your poor son, feeling so sorry afterwards; I bet if that woman had seen his own contrition she wouldn't have said those things.

I expect that she thinks she has a right to speak, as she also has a SEN child, but I agree with the poster who said others will know what a bitch she is now. Karma will surely bite her right in the behind, and raise your DS to great heights.

ColouringIn, I'm so sorry your son has been written about on FB by a classmate's mother. If something can be done by the school then I'm sure the Headteacher will do so as the result of your writing. As your son is likely to have the same teacher for another year it may be worth mentioning what's happened and to ask if a social story/what-should-I-do-if-my-bit-gets-missed-out cribsheet could be prepared with your DS for any future performances? Maybe it would have helped if the teacher had interrupted the performance with a 'technical hitch' announcement so that the missing section could be done? Perhaps the teacher and TA could work with your son (and the whole class) to develop a password e.g. 'technical hitch' to identify in a stressfree (ish!) way that something has been missed out and that the next step is to go back and fit it in?

I say this as a Y4 teacher who thinks nothing of interrupting assemblies/performances to say, "I'm sorry to interrupt, we are now going to rewind to XYZ...." Coaching children on what to do when unexpected things happen in a performance is a tricky one, not least because the happenings are unexpected! However, letting the children know that if their bit gets missed out/their bit goes disasterously wrong that the adults will rewind/give the cue can help alleviate a little bit of the stress. Rewinding would be frustrating at a professional show but, at a school performance, what's not to like.... some children get to do their bit twice (extra photo opportunities for proud parents), the story actually happens as it was intended and every single child gets to do their bit.