To contact the school regarding comments made about my son on Facebook?

[ColouringIn]

My son is 9 and autistic with ADHD, his difficulties with his sensory environment are largely managed with 1-1 support and Medikinet to help with the ADHD. Using Mediknet was a last resort for me but within three months of starting the drug a year ago he finally learned to read and I could not ignore how much he caught up.

His maninstream school are fabulous with him and he has gone from below average attainment to average within a year.

So.....this week he came off of Mediknet on advice of the GP, to cut a long story short his blood pressure is sky high and it's likely to be the Mediknet wwhich has caused this.

The following day he went into school as usual and it was a disaster - DS ended up under a desk with hands over his ears as he could not cope with the noise in the classroom, his lovely LSA took him out to a quiet room so he could adjust. DS also had a part in the school concert which he has been so looking forward to and the school allowed him to take part as planeed because he had calmed down so much. He got half his lines done and then in error the children missed a small section of the play - this is no big deal and they carried on as planned but for DS it was a disaster as he giot confised and bewildered, he was on stage when he should not have been and evidently realised this as he looked distressed. He then came off the stage and found his 1-1 who tried to calm him down because he was cying not loud as I was in the second row and could just see the tears. His 1-1 took DS out and another child took over his part.

I collected DS from school just after lunch as they could not cope any longer, when I turned up DS got very emotional and started to cry, he cuddled into me and just sobbed and kept saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" over and over because he felt like he had upset everyone.
I kept him off for the last two days of term wth permission of the headteacher and managed to get an emergency appointment with the paediatrician for Wednesday to try and sort things out. It has been a few days of hell trying to get help sorted etc

Then on Friday evening I got a phone call from another parent to tell me that DS had been referred tpo on a Facebook discussion by another parent as "the little shit who ruined the Yr 4 concert". I am devastated because this parent knows me and knows my DS, she is more than aware of his diagnosis. It will have been obvious to all the parents reading this who "the little shit" was.
Even worse this woman has a disabled child herself so should understand the issues but evidently not. Of course the twofaced bitch woman is really nice to my face.

My husband sent her a message (not rude) but just a polite message reiterating that DS is autistic and had become bewildered and confused when the play changed.

Her response was horrific

She was not sorry for referring to DS in this way
She calls her own kids "little shits" sometimes - Nice!
DS ruined the hard work of all the other children
The school were at fault for allowing DS to take part
She "knows" about special needs as she has a disabled child
DS "misbehaved and got away with it".

I have actually deactivated my Facebook account as I don't trust myself not to send my own reponse (which would not be polite).

I have written to the headteacher saying how angry and hurt I am by the comments made about DS on such a public forum and am passing on ALL her negative comments about the school.

I am trying not to let this eat me up but I am struggling I really am. My DS has such a difficult life at the best of times without people making comments like this on Facebook.

Can the school do anything?

What a horrible parent, do you know if her child's SN is anything like your ds? DD1 never ever does school plays because it's awful for her and she freaks out. Your school sound like they are wonderful and sorry teapot but do think your comments are unkind, it's about working with what the children can do but also stretching them otherwise they will stand still.

I wouldn't be able not to post something horrible on her wall

I also agree that it was right that your son took part (sorry I know this wasn't your original question OP). Yes things go wrong, but on that basis you'd have to exclude children on the Autistic Spectrum from all sorts of things - trips/ residentials/ visitors etc . As long as the child is prepared then inclusion is right. In this instance it sounds like a really unexpected and unforeseeable error that your DS was on stage when he shouldn't have been. Missing chunks of a play is not a common occurence (says someone who's been teaching 20 years and can't remember it ever happening!)

As for the comments - unbelievable. Yes she has shown herself up. Her comments are revolting. Pity her poor children. I think you were right to tell the school. The school can approach her and ask her to take the comments down. (I don't think they can force that though.) At the very least she will be aware her comments have been seen by the school (though she's probably the sort of woman who won't care).

Rise above it. I always think that WITHOUT FAIL, people who make snide and unkind comments are not happy people - why else would you spend your time bitching? Just let her get on with her own, negative, unhappy life, and you carry on loving and caring for your boy, he's lucky to have you as his mum.

Thanks CI - I hope he's OK now. It must have been horrible for you, I hope my comments didn't sound as if I was cross with you personally in any way, I was a bit annoyed with the snarky comments aimed at me. I just felt so so sorry for both you and your son!

It happens. Tell the silly woman on FB that school plays are famous for such incidents in any case (in our last nativity an angel vomited into the manger and my own DD screeched to the point where I could see the people around me wincing and covering their ears during the vows at a wedding. Took her out after that! That woman is horrible and thoughtless and, well, mean. No other word for it.

In a more general point I feel strongly that children learn in extra curricular events by playing to their strengths, whatever they are and sometimes practicalities come into play - e.g. the wheelchair race; fine if your school can physically accommodate such a thing, if not, you find something else the child can do. I teach the most beautiful litte boy who can't participate in sports due to illness - he designs Sports Day leaflets instead and he gets a special prize for it every year and the biggest cheer is always awarded to him. Inclusion shouldn't be about pretending that everyone can do everything, because they can't. Inclusion is accepting children as they are and working with them with that and loving and respecting them for who they are, not who we think they should be.

ThreadWatcher I think we're talking at cross purposes as my point is agreeing with yours. I don't think a child should be treated the same as all other children, I think sometimes allowances need to be made and someone needs to say "actually, it's best he or she doesn't do this because ... Whynot try this?"

Longjane, I won't be taking your advice today, thanks all the same

Yes it's the issue about the school which worries me. I am sure the head has better things to do than this.

This woman's DC is in the infant school and is profoundly deaf. Not the same as autism but like my DS he will still be included in things.

No I am going to rise above this.

What a cow! Imagine referring to a child like that, especially on Facebook. If I were the head teacher, I would certainly want to know about her inappropriate comments and would be having a word with her about it.

I'm sorry this happened op, but of it's any consolation she has shown herself for the spiteful cow she is and other parents are bound to think badly of her for it.

As an autistic adult with an autistic daughter I can honestly say that the school failed here, not the little boy. He has every right to take part in school events and the school should provide him with the right support to do so. The fact that he got upset, distressed and confused is a failing in his support. He should have been prepared with an 'crisis plan' of what to do if things went wrong. I can tell you now, the extreme distress autistic people suffer when things go wrong is primarily down to not knowing what to do because their brains can't process the change.

Inclusion is accepting children as they are and working with them with that and loving and respecting them for who they are, not who we think they should be.

But I also think all education is about risk taking and being prepared to encourage children (and ourselves) to go out of their comfort zone. We can never be sure of what a child is capable of unless they are given the opportunity to try. For me this includes all children, though obviously a child with SN will need more preparation, and of course there will always be times when judgement comes into play about how to adapt certain activities if necessary.

I was also a terribly shy child, quietly spoken, blushed at the drop of a hat, who WAS given a lead singing role in the school play by a teacher, who wasn't haven't shyness as a reason for not trying. He could easily have said - "well she's so shy she may collapse in a heap/ embarrass herself and ruin the play!" And it might well have happened! It was a risk. In the end it was one of the most memorable, confidence boosting things I have ever done, and I lived off the praise I got for years after!!!

What a horrible thing to even say, never mind share on FB where everyone could read it. Your response was excellent, ColouringIn.

I don't know why Teapots is being met with such hostility. She merely queried if the OP's son should have been included, since it inevitably caused him stress and upset (due to having to come off the medication, which was unfortunate timing).

She was not saying that children with SN should not be included in school plays, but that it should be carefully assessed if it is in the best interest of the child for him to take part in a visible role.

PS - teapots - I was responding to one of your posts in my previous comment - I suspect we are probably saying the same thing when you pick it apart!

Yes but you presume that they knew this would happen, but they didn't! and maybe on a better day his reaction wouldn't have been so bad. It's like struggling that we just shouldn't try, if I did that we would never leave my house and my girls would do very little.
Autism isn't as black and white as a child with say no legs, but then again there are runners in the Olympics with no real legs, so never say never.

No, you're absolutely right MagicHouse and it can be quite a hard thing to do, to balance the risk taking with the distress/upset potential.

I just felt my heart move a bit when I heard how upset he had been - poor lad. :(

Thank you, Eternal

teapots, i have 2 autistic kids with statements and i agree with you completely

I do think the school were in a difficult spot here. DS knows to go to his LSA if upset and this is exactly what he did. She took him off to the quiet space and they talked it all through.

Clearly if he has to remain off medication then there will need to be a change in his management.

The school can't build in the fact that the medication changed. From what I've read the school DID have a plan. An LSA standing by and an understudy to take over if op's ds found it too much. It wasn't the play itself that meant two days off but the change of medication. (If I've read correctly).

My last comment wasn't to you op, but to previous posters! It sounds like I was addressing you

Thanks coconutty - I was tempted to say "not for want of trying!"

OP, if it helps ... you and your little boy sound LOVELY and the dignified and calm manner in which you've conducted yourself have set a lovely example for the other childrenas well as your own, I'm sorry if that sounds condescending at all though paranoid ;)

Yes, ColouringIn. It sounds like it was a just a very unfortunate chain of events - the medication, the other child going wrong, your DS getting upset.

It sounds like the school have dealt well with it, and I am sure that the HT will be horrified about the FB comments.

Have you got someone else who can look at the FB thread and see if anyone else has commented?

I think she is out of order criticising your son personally, but it does sound like a lack of judgement on the school's part to let him take part in the play.

as well as spoiling it for the other children

From a deputy head? This is why inclusion is often bullshit.

However, OP in your case it sounds as if the school is pretty on the ball.

Other parents will have been very uncomfortable by her post, and well, at least you know she's someone to be avoided I suppose.

was your son named, or the school?

I am no huge fan of inclusion btw, but one of the reasons it so often fails is because any adjustment is seen as not being fair on the other children.

A play going wrong doesn't ruin it for the other children - I have seen numerous school plays go wrong, and have witnessed several NT kids break down in tears on stage. It happens, and not just to kids with SN.

Teapots, you are getting a hard time, but can't you see that to parents of kids with SEN 'finding them something easier to do' is just a short step away from having the special needs kids doing some light basket weaving in the corner while the normals get on with the important stuff, like learning. Apols for provocative language - but this is the reality of some of our DCs lives.

Our kids deserve to be out of their comfort zones, deserve the chance to do something difficult, and yes, they deserve the chance to fail, learn and move on, just like any other child.

a lot of the time it ISNT fair on the other children, but there is no other choice. Special schools are a nightmare or impossible to get into apart from for the most severe needs, education authorites re commited to always giving as little help and funding as they can get away with. Its ridiculously difficult to get help for SN children unless you are well educated and bloody stubborn.
Noone wins, not the poor child with SN who is not "severe" enough (all of the time) to be eligible for a specialist school, yet finds mainstream incredibly difficult, or the other children in the class who can often be disrupted by children with behavioural issues and social difficulties.
When the government told us all children had the right to attend mainstream education, it sounds lovely, but not when it means that theyre shutting down nearly all the specialist schools which are much more suitable