To contact the school regarding comments made about my son on Facebook?

[ColouringIn]

My son is 9 and autistic with ADHD, his difficulties with his sensory environment are largely managed with 1-1 support and Medikinet to help with the ADHD. Using Mediknet was a last resort for me but within three months of starting the drug a year ago he finally learned to read and I could not ignore how much he caught up.

His maninstream school are fabulous with him and he has gone from below average attainment to average within a year.

So.....this week he came off of Mediknet on advice of the GP, to cut a long story short his blood pressure is sky high and it's likely to be the Mediknet wwhich has caused this.

The following day he went into school as usual and it was a disaster - DS ended up under a desk with hands over his ears as he could not cope with the noise in the classroom, his lovely LSA took him out to a quiet room so he could adjust. DS also had a part in the school concert which he has been so looking forward to and the school allowed him to take part as planeed because he had calmed down so much. He got half his lines done and then in error the children missed a small section of the play - this is no big deal and they carried on as planned but for DS it was a disaster as he giot confised and bewildered, he was on stage when he should not have been and evidently realised this as he looked distressed. He then came off the stage and found his 1-1 who tried to calm him down because he was cying not loud as I was in the second row and could just see the tears. His 1-1 took DS out and another child took over his part.

I collected DS from school just after lunch as they could not cope any longer, when I turned up DS got very emotional and started to cry, he cuddled into me and just sobbed and kept saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" over and over because he felt like he had upset everyone.
I kept him off for the last two days of term wth permission of the headteacher and managed to get an emergency appointment with the paediatrician for Wednesday to try and sort things out. It has been a few days of hell trying to get help sorted etc

Then on Friday evening I got a phone call from another parent to tell me that DS had been referred tpo on a Facebook discussion by another parent as "the little shit who ruined the Yr 4 concert". I am devastated because this parent knows me and knows my DS, she is more than aware of his diagnosis. It will have been obvious to all the parents reading this who "the little shit" was.
Even worse this woman has a disabled child herself so should understand the issues but evidently not. Of course the twofaced bitch woman is really nice to my face.

My husband sent her a message (not rude) but just a polite message reiterating that DS is autistic and had become bewildered and confused when the play changed.

Her response was horrific

She was not sorry for referring to DS in this way
She calls her own kids "little shits" sometimes - Nice!
DS ruined the hard work of all the other children
The school were at fault for allowing DS to take part
She "knows" about special needs as she has a disabled child
DS "misbehaved and got away with it".

I have actually deactivated my Facebook account as I don't trust myself not to send my own reponse (which would not be polite).

I have written to the headteacher saying how angry and hurt I am by the comments made about DS on such a public forum and am passing on ALL her negative comments about the school.

I am trying not to let this eat me up but I am struggling I really am. My DS has such a difficult life at the best of times without people making comments like this on Facebook.

Can the school do anything?

See that's the thing Teapots. I dont agree and I can't just shrug off your attitude and opinions the way one should shrug off comments on an Internet chat board, because this is my DS life, and as a teacher what you do and the way you think about inclusion has a profound affect on children's lives.

We're not debating trivial things here. What I want is a teacher who will say to my DS 'alright WilsonJr, if you want to try public speaking/acting/football/whatever we'll give it a try'. But instead what you seem to be advocating is 'that's lovely WilsonJr, but it's too hard for you so why don't we give you a nice job in the art cupboard instead?'

However, I feel I'm derailing now so will stop. The lovely op needs support today, not me.

"I realise some of that was due to the medication changes but there is a difference between basket weaving and high stress situations :)"

That is quite one of the most unpleasant comments I've ever read on MN. "Basket-weaving", to the uninitiated, is a derogatory way of referring to pointless, time-filling activities that used to make up Occupational Therapy. The smug, passive-aggressive smily at the end is just.... ick.

Bluntly (if you truly are a teacher) you need some training. Perhaps you should contact www.csie.org.uk/ - I'm sure they'd be happy to correct your worryingly displayed misapprehensions.

tepot in reply to this
Jane - if the child in question has a severe physical need. It would cause him actual physical harm if he had to participate in sports.

so you are a dr now

do you think kids in special schools dont do sports
you have not heard of the para Olympics then
all sport could cause harm to the person taking part

as i said it it you job as teacher to find a sport that he can do

I don't think for 1 second the school would of had him in the play if they knew he was going to have a meltdown.

colouring in
have you though about out of school drama classes

all my child's drama teacher said when he threw a strop was " he is having stage fright"
nothing bad as all good actors have it

As someone with a disability who has been bullied on Facebook, I would advise you to do what I did and a, report the post to Facebook and b, contact the police and lay it on thick about how this is a hate crime and say you wish to make a formal complaint (the police told me I'd need to do this for them to take offender to police station and be cautioned/charged).

IMO, you should at least as the police to visit her and warn her.

I think teapots is getting a ridiculously hard time here. I quite get her point and even if you don't agree with her she is obviously a thoughtful and kind teacher.
One of my dds would HATE to be in a speaking part in a play and I don't feel the need to have her 'comfort zones' pushed thank you very much.. kids have a right NOT to perform sn or not.

The school sounded like they felt your dc could cope and he had a wobble. Happens to lots of kids in plays.

I actually hate this Cow bag bitch on your behalf op, she's sick, and it's even more horrifying that she has a deaf child.

You have acted with great dignity, by all means inform the school and I would also be telling all the other parents what she said.

But then I am a bitch and you sound very measured and lovely.

Ggggggrrr. So cross.

What would you expect the school to do though?

To whoever said I am the FB mum, I would just like to state firmly before I leave this thread that I have not ONCE remotely condoned what the FB mum said. At all.

Wilson I am sorry you feel that way. I certainly haven't had any parents complain about the treatment their DCs have received when being taught by me. I hope that speaks for itself.

If you have a child with severe special needs, then the school should have a risk assessment in place to protect both them and other people.

Colouringin, in your thread in another section of this website, you said your DS had strangled a TA because he was off his meds. I know you were very upset about the TA going through that, but as a school, they should have a plan of action of how to deal with him both on and off the meds in order to protect him and others. I know you're in a tricky situation because of the side effects, and I really do hope the paediatrician can help you find a solution.

I agree with Teapot- he was off his meds, and the play had been organised whilst he was medicated and so far calmer. The school should have reassessed whether or not he would find the ordeal too traumatic in his unmedicated state.

Lots of people here are saying they were shy and being put in the spotlight helped, but I'm guessing you're not SEN. You can't compare your own experiences to that of a child who is recently off their medication, and somewhat unpredictable.

OP, I'm really sorry you've been going through all of this. I hope the school are as supportive as they seem from your other thread. The close-minded idiot on Facebook isn't worth your time- try to ignore her. She's the one with the problem.

PerfectStorm
Teapots was responding to an earlier post when she mentioned basket weaving.

I think that this comment by MushroomSoup is excellent. Perhaps the school should have done something like this - not excluding but putting them in a part of the play that will take place no matter what.

MushroomSoup Mon 23-Jul-12 19:22:50

I'm a primary Head. Everybody - and I mean everybody - has a part in our plays at whatever level they can cope with. We have many ASD kids who have very differing abilities and worries - we had the boy who struggles if things don't to plan as our 'introducer' and 'finisher' - these things always go ahead, regardless of what happens inbetween! One DC with a bad stutter played the main part one year. The play took longer but he got a standing ovation!
As to the FB comment there is very little school could do. But actions speak louder than words and I'm sure they will continue to include all of the children.

OP - well done for rising above the Facebooker's vile comments. You should feel rightly proud of yourself and I am awed by your self control. My DH would have had to chop my hands off not to write something - but I know I would only have regretted afterwards stooping to her level. I think you have done the right thing telling the HT - if I were them I would a) want to know and b) Want to communicate to all the parents and pupils of the school that disability discrimination and abuse if not acceptable. In any situation , by anyone.

Teapots. I disagree with you. I also think you should maybe take on board some of what has been commented about your approach to inclusion, to stretching children with SN, to showing the pupils at your school that it is not OK to discriminate. Your nativity plays may run smoother than the rest of the countries....at what cost?

OP Stay strong. Stay dignified. Well done. hoping to learn how to keep my gob shut/fingers still if such a situation ever arises for me

Thanks, Eternal, I missed that, and will apologise to Teapots on that basis. In isolation the comment looked horrible, but obviously as a rebuttal of a swipe it would.

And your plays sound lovely.

I haven't reas all the posts

OP. you sound like an amazing person. I would let the school know, just for their information. I would also report it to Facebook. Then i would forget about it. I hope you had screen shots. I can't imagine anyone could agree with her. Most people are happy for schools to be inclusive, it helps everyone's education.

I wish you and your family, and especially your DS the very best.

OP - haven't read all of the thread; but i hope your son's BP improves & med issues get sorted out for him asap. & that you can both enjoy the summery weather once school has finished :)

It's possible that the nasty FB woman, & others like her will pass on their nasty, prejudiced attitudes to their own children.
By making the school aware of what is being said by other parents - this will remind the teachers to look out for any bullying or negative attitudes against your son & others, due to their disabilities.
The school should then strategies in place to deal with any bullying or attitude problems asap; may be worth checking that this is the case.

The one good thing is that you have seen FB woman in her true colours; if you hadn't seen that status then you wouldn't have known how two-faced she is. And that's always worth knowing!
If she calls her own children 'little shits' to their faces, even as a joke, then OMG what a bitch!! & to say she knows your son has SN but she doesn't care - well, at least she's honest so you know what a cow she is!
I hope other people realise that too; she will end up a lonely & bitter woman.
I would just pity her for being such a bitch that even her own children probably don't like her much.

I want to thank everyone here for their thoughts and opinions as it has really helped me to look at this from different angles. Just writing the OP down last night helped me express some of the feelings I had and one or two of you have been kind enough ti PM me too with supportive messages, thank you so much for that.

DS has been away with his Dad for a few days and is back today. I have had a lovely three days of full sleep and relaxing. Now to prepare for the paediatrician tomorrow....

What an awful, awful thing to write about your DS - I'm appalled that anyone could be so insensitive.

As for teapot - I completely see where you're coming from, and the treatment you have got here is abhorrent. With hindsight it does appear that the with the distress it caused, it might have been better to have found another role, and I applaud teachers who exercise judgment and common sense depending on each individual situation. However, it was a judgement call made by the school at the time, and they were doing it for the right reasons. Considering that he would have been excited to be in the play I think it would have been difficult to let him down at short notice.

The key point is just how uncaring people can be - I'm shocked about that.

Wow . This is certainly a thread where the intelligent, considered responses are a stark contrast to the ignorant ones.

FWIW I think the issue there is no clear right or wrong here, and I guess it highlights the kind of grey area judgements schools have to make a hundred times a day. It also fills me with admiration for the teachers who can NEVER get it right with everyone.

Op- you have dealt with this in a calm dignified way, and you are a great role model to your son. Teapots also shows an insightful approach to dealing with children in her school. Whether one personally falls on the side of 'let every child join in whatever' or 'include every child but adapt the situation to meet their needs' is not really the point- there is no right or wrong. But those who have squawked 'you should be struck off the teachers register' are as bad as the FB woman. They show an ignorant knee jerk response.

Op- I hope your ds is ok now. I also think its worth informing the school to keep them in the loop, but this is outside their remit- Facebook are the ones you need to inform really, though I don't think any specific offence has been committed as the woman didn't name anyone

Brilliant idea girlylala.
You have handled this amazingly. She has shown herself up to be an ignorant and rude woman with no empathy or compassion. Well done you. Complete respect and admiration. I have a little boy with mild cerebral palsy and when asked by a mother if I had him in the right school I remained calm and dignified and now take great delight in ignoring her as she desperately tries to speak to me again. My beautiful bright boy is thriving, hers on the other hand is known as being rather brash and a bit of a bully. Karma.

^But those who have squawked 'you should be struck off the teachers register' are as bad as the FB woman. ^

This is how rumours start!

Teapots mentioned being 'struck off the register' as an ironic comment about herself

Yes- but other people were seriously suggesting it!!

OP

so on top of an experience that was upsetting for you and your DS, some bitch makes comments like that?

jesus wept

you have made your feelings clear, and have been dignified. I dont think you can change the way she thinks.

I know its so hurtful, but some people are cxxts and you can waste your breath on them. I am sure you want her to show remorse, but sadly she wont

you know who she is, you know she is a cxxt and you have made your feelings clear. ugh

move onwards, and put this down to experience

Can I say, I am so grateful that MN has massivle educated me about SN. One of the boys in DS class has been diagnosed autistic, and I am so glad that I have been educated on MN how to handle this in an appropriate fashion

I think she is out of order criticising your son personally, but it does sound like a lack of judgement on the school's part to let him take part in the play.

Ridiculous. Surely the point of school plays is to involve the children, teach them some new creative skills, and share their work with their parents. The idea of excluding anyone is pretty disgusting and hurtful.

OP, I am sorry you and your son have had such a nasty experience. I think you have handled it properly, and now should just ignore that bitchy woman. Most people will see her comment for what is - stupid and mean-spirited.

If I read a comment like that about any nine-year-old (autistic or not), I'd be a little disgusted, I think. Especially if I had been there and seen what happened and how upset the child was.

colouringin
Yes, you should report this to the school.

If it were another child who wrote this, we would be printing out screen shots, having them write statements, etc etc. It is called cyberbullying and the school will have a policy on it.

I realise the matter is complicated as it was a parent who wrote this hatefulremark. However, the school need to now be aware that parents can also post harmful comments on social media, and need to make the parents aware that this is not acceptable.

Stay calm. As a teacher with additional responsibilities, I would want to know this and I would approach it first by sending out a letter to all parents, with the backing of the governors, urging them to be careful what they write on social networking sites, especially if it involves other children at the school.

We send out these letters to parents for esafety reasons regardig their own children, the staff have signed appropriate internet usage statements so that they don't write about students in this way. So the parents need to be brought into this loop as well.

Don't think that just because it is an adult nothing can be done. The school will not target her directly, but it is a start. However, keep your head high and don't enter into any tit-for-tat childishness; it will undermine your own position.

We are adults who are modelling behaviour to our children. You are doing well.

Stay calm, ask for action - even blanket action or raising awareness (hate that overused phrase, but you know what I mean!).

Good luck x

Got about half way through and was angry at teapots that I couldn't continue.

A school is for LEARNING. This child need to LEARN how to cope with things changing and not being perfect because life isn't.

Because a child has dyslexia should we not bother teaching them to write because it's hard?

Can't believe you're a teacher. My son goes to a school and they let him try everything. If he gets distressed then he can leave but he has to TRY and he will learn slowly.