Dad's wife at wedding AIBU to ask for advice how to handle this

[ComeBackasaFlower]

N/C regular...

I'd prefer not to have my Dad's wife at my wedding.

My Dad remarried about 5 years ago after my parents divorced when I was an adult. I have a very good relationship with him, but his wife is pretty much a stranger to us. Their relationship strikes me more as that of convenient companionship as opposed to any great love match. When I have encountered of her, I've felt she is someone to whom I wouldn't ordinarily warm regardless of circumstances. We have never really had the opportunity or desire to build a relationship, which suits all parties fine for the most part, but when it comes to our (intimate, close friends & family) wedding, it poses a problem as I'm not sure I feel comfortable having a virtual stranger there. Particularly one whose presence is certain to make my Mum feel extremely uncomfortable and for whom my sister and Grandma have very little time (to put it mildly)

I'm also concerned that my Dad will be fulfilling a traditional role on the day, escorting me to the ceremony - giving me away, and helping host the reception, so his wife will be on her own for big swathes of time. The only people at the wedding she knows are my aforementioned sister and grandma, neither of whom will be falling over themselves to make her feel welcome. It's hardly likely to be an enjoyable occasion for her, but she's a bit emotionally neutral, so I think she would just get through it without feeling particularly bothered.

I know I need to have a frank conversation with my Dad since as it stands, I have no idea what his expectations are regarding her attendance. He could be completely in tune with my concerns and have assumed his wife would not attend anyway (although rather unlikely), or equally not have given any thought to any potential issue and be put out at the suggestion she doesn't come. It's very hard to gauge. I know I just have to tread very carefully to ensure this doesn't blow up into a massive, upsetting issue for everyone...

How am I going to handle this? AIBU to ask the advice of strangers on the internet?! Don't want to dripfeed but reluctant to drone on so feel free to ask me to expand on stuff.

Cotes Do you really make that comment after reading all of my posts?

RumpleStiltzkin Thanks for understanding. I know it's irksome when AIBU posters cherrypick the posts that support their argument, it annoys me but it does feel that you have read and understood what I've put and aren't just saying "YANBU you're squeaky clean here"

I would feel more sorry for my Dad's wife did she seem keen to want to "be a part of the family she has married into." Over the years it seems to suit her as well as us that we are not part of each others lives, it's only an issue now there is a wedding that according to this thread it would be unspeakably rude not to invite her to.

A polite letter will make the ops mum look ridiculous.

To be honest, I think your mind was made up before you posted on here and nothing that the majority of posters can say will change your mind. As you've clearly said, your Mum's happiness is more important to you than your Dad's. Thats that then really isnt it?

I do feel desperately sorry for your Dad and his wife though. Did you say earlier that he will be giving you away or did I misread that? That seems a bit disingenuous to me given all you have said on here. Perhaps you should ask someone else.

Everyone I know who's got married has said that the whole day went by in a blur, far too fast to enjoy the good bits, let alone to notice how animated the conversation was around so-and-so's new wife.

Not inviting your dad's wife is pointed, and will blow this up into a Huge Issue; chewing the decision over between your mum, your grandmother, your dad and your sister for the next few months is almost certainly going to inflame it even further, regardless of what you decide. Just calmly invite her - it'll give you the moral high ground, and in the end, you probably won't even notice she was there. And if the rest of the family care about giving you a lovely day, they'll have a glass or two of wine and get on with it.

Ok I understand, Lemony. Sorry for that.

I do feel desperately sorry for your Dad and his wife though Have you read all my posts, Folly?

Is your dad helping to pay?? I just realised you said he will be "hosting" the reception.

I've read everything - I feel sorry for your dads wife - I don't feel sorry for your dad at all.

chewing the decision over between your mum, your grandmother, your dad and your sister for the next few months is almost certainly going to inflame it even further

I agree, hence coming on here and not engaging with these people over this.

I need to just sit down with my Dad and gauge his feelings on it, which was really the thrust of my original OP. All I really wanted was some advice on how to handle that conversation.

No he has mentioned that he'd like to make a contribution, but I have not accepted or pursued this. I recognise it wouldn't be fair given these circs.

Yes I have read all your posts. Did you say he was giving you away?

I've read the whole thread and i still think ou're being petty and that everyone should grow the fuck up, be polite and invite the woman and get over themselves.

Blimey. The more I am hearing about your father, the more I can understand your previous difficulties with him. His wife has come to represent all that is not right with him. Not fair on her. Your mum's issues are with your dad. This is all a bit fucked-up, to be honest.

It seems you are taking on board all the emotional fallout from this.

Sounds like he might well find it easier all round if his wife was not there.

Would you like to come, lagartikja? :)

Folly it hasn't been discussed but I guess it is assumed by all parties. I would want him to. As I have said, we have a very good relationship now.

Well like it or not it is rude not to invite her, she's married to your Dad, and as such should be on the list. But you do run the risk of not having your Dad there and only you can decide if that is worth it.

If you decide not to invite her then your reasons are your reasons, but the 'right' thing to do is invite her and hope she doesn't come

Sounds like he might well find it easier all round if his wife was not there.

The truth is, I believe he would have a much better time, larking about with his ex-BiL, having a relaxed chat with my Mum etc etc

If his wife doesn't come, he can pretend she doesn't exist.

No one is helping you handle that conversation burcause you simply shouldn't be having it - it's just wrong - plain and simple and your dad joining you and going along with this wouldn't make it less wrong - it would make it worse.

The way you post - he is having an emotional affair with your mother - and she is a party to that - she doesn't have to take his calls you know. Sounds to me like her anxiety has it's roots in your dads emotional unfaithfullness to his wife with your mum.

And you want to have a happy little wedding and collude in pretending his wife doesn't exist.
The way your family is treating this woman - and your dad is at the forefront of this - is shocking. She is not the OW - she is his blameless (being cuckolded) wife.

Which, you must admit is fucked up. Poor wife. Are you, in your heart of hearts, hoping your mum and dad can reconcile? Forgive me. It's popped into my head.

Sighing. Yes. That's summed up what I was thinking.

Jamie that's kind of how it is when he comes to visit. He comes alone, stays with my Grandma, drops in on my Mum for a coffee and a chat and it is like she doesn't exist.

I don't want her to cease to exist, she has a role in his life which I recognise and respect. But that role is hundreds of miles away from us, in their home, outside of my family.

I actually feel really sorry for your step-mum.

Like it or not, she is family now she's married to your dad, and it would come across as incredibly petty and cruel to not invite her.

She is your step-mum, that counts as family, and if the rest of the family (eg sister and gran) can't keep their feelings in check and be civil for one bloody day, it says a lot about more about their immaturity and rudeness.

Sorry OP, but YABIncrediblyU.

And if your Dad uses your wedding to ignore HIS WIFE, lark about with his ex's family and reminisce about the good old days when we were married, he's a prick.

I really think you should invite her. It seems you have a choice between making a mean decision or making a magnanimous one. She may well come up with an excuse to not attend if she realises she would feel uncomfortable.

Your mum and sisters feelings are not a good reason to leave her out, they are an excellent reason to not seat her next to them, and to spend extra time with them on the day having fun with them. But I have read all your posts and I'm afraid that I have not read one good reason why you can't just send the invite, hope that she says no, and if she says yes seat her with her some friendly chatty people away from your mum and sister.

If she had beaten someone up or shouted abuse at you I would say differently, but she's just a bit socially inept and not brilliant at integrating into a strong family unit, that's not really such a terrible thing. I suspect if someone wanted to exclude your husband from a family event on such grounds that you might have an issues with that.

Your mum and your sister will have a lovely day, spend loads of time with you and enjoy being part of your celebrations regardless of who else is in the room.

Sighingagain

"A polite letter will make the ops mum look ridiculous."

Possibly, but is that really the most important thing here? The MIL gets respected and the Mum has an anxiety free day without her.