Dad's wife at wedding AIBU to ask for advice how to handle this

[ComeBackasaFlower]

N/C regular...

I'd prefer not to have my Dad's wife at my wedding.

My Dad remarried about 5 years ago after my parents divorced when I was an adult. I have a very good relationship with him, but his wife is pretty much a stranger to us. Their relationship strikes me more as that of convenient companionship as opposed to any great love match. When I have encountered of her, I've felt she is someone to whom I wouldn't ordinarily warm regardless of circumstances. We have never really had the opportunity or desire to build a relationship, which suits all parties fine for the most part, but when it comes to our (intimate, close friends & family) wedding, it poses a problem as I'm not sure I feel comfortable having a virtual stranger there. Particularly one whose presence is certain to make my Mum feel extremely uncomfortable and for whom my sister and Grandma have very little time (to put it mildly)

I'm also concerned that my Dad will be fulfilling a traditional role on the day, escorting me to the ceremony - giving me away, and helping host the reception, so his wife will be on her own for big swathes of time. The only people at the wedding she knows are my aforementioned sister and grandma, neither of whom will be falling over themselves to make her feel welcome. It's hardly likely to be an enjoyable occasion for her, but she's a bit emotionally neutral, so I think she would just get through it without feeling particularly bothered.

I know I need to have a frank conversation with my Dad since as it stands, I have no idea what his expectations are regarding her attendance. He could be completely in tune with my concerns and have assumed his wife would not attend anyway (although rather unlikely), or equally not have given any thought to any potential issue and be put out at the suggestion she doesn't come. It's very hard to gauge. I know I just have to tread very carefully to ensure this doesn't blow up into a massive, upsetting issue for everyone...

How am I going to handle this? AIBU to ask the advice of strangers on the internet?! Don't want to dripfeed but reluctant to drone on so feel free to ask me to expand on stuff.

If your mother is genuinely selfless and reasonable then i should think the idea of her daughter not inviting dads new wife would be mortifying to her too. I'd hate to think I'd brought my daughter up so badly she'd be that rude.

I speak as someone who had similar issues at my wedding and did not invite a number of relatives I 'should' have invited as I was worried about how they might behave and how others would feel/react to them. I felt as you did that it would make me and my other guests more comfortable on the day which it did. But - it was not worth the fact that I have never really got over my feeling that it was the wrong thing to do and what kind of person that decision makes me. That feeling taints my memories of the day. I would also say the relatives I did not invite were probably more disappointed/slightly offended than massively offended and it was far less rude than what you are proposing.

In answer to your question, there is no way you can handle this well because it is a bad and unreasonable decision.

fucked up indeed Jamie. The more I read of this the more I feel sorry for your stepmother. You all sound about 12. The right thing to do is invite her and be gracious if she accepts. Anything else is rudeness of the highest order, it really is.

Your situation could have been mine. My father, now widowed, was married to a woman I felt completely neutral about. Had nothing in common, polite conversation, couldn't see what the attraction was between them. She was never a 'step-mother' in my eyes, just my father's wife, if that makes any sense.

However, of course she was invited to the wedding although she didn't come as my df and she split up for 2 years just beforehand! However, there were no plans to seat her on the top table, but I planned to place her with members of my father's family.

I would suggest you place your father's wife with significant members of your finance's family with a request to one of them to keep an eye out for her, make her feel welcome. That way your father can concentrate on fob duties and you can relax knowing it's a job delegated.

Btw YANBU not to talk to your family about this, my Mum and her family's behaviour regarding my own dad coming to my wedding was emotionally draining and went on for a year. Everyone kept saying well I'm sure they'll behave on the day, tbh I'd rather they'd have had a massive fight on the day, on the altar in the middle of our vows than have had to put up with the amount of shit that went on before hand

Sorry I know this isn't about me.

Sighing I can see he reasoning behind your post and it is precisely posts like this why I wanted to share this here.

You are painting me somewhat as a spoiled little princess though which I think is rather unfair.

From the sounds of it, a chat with your Dad to explain the lack of invitation is to try to respect the feelings of your Mum and his Mum, will solve that possible upset. He knows his wife best so can answer any queries she may have about not going in a way he sees fit (perhaps not very diplomatically - but hey, she married him) It doesn't sound like she or you will lose sleep over it affecting your relationship long term.

It is as good a solution as any.

Sighing good post.

It is very clear you absolutely want to slam the door in this woman's face. To be truthful I think you are focussing your anger and frustration at your DF's previous bad behaviour on to her because it is much easier to be angry with a stranger than with your own father.

same here Iburnt

A wedding is a very public family showing and to not invite her would be a tremendous snub. You would be instigating that rift. There is no expectation or reason to have her involved in the wedding party, but you do need to treat her with courtesy and warmth as you would all your other guests.

It's an affair without the sex - and the whole family is a Party to it.

No wonder the woman keeps making social blunders - no doubt she is aware of her part in these shennanigans - poor poor woman.

Your family set up is toxic - your dad is no better than he was before.

The only victim in this is your SM.

comeback I don't think you are being a princess - I think you are so in the middle of this situation, you can't see the wood for the trees, this is bad for your mum - her anxiety is no doubt in some way related to this and it prevents her fully moving on, it's bad for the rest of you - your mum and dad are still a "couple", it's bad for his poor wife - the only person not really suffering in this is your dad who gets to lead 2 separate lives with the full blessing of his family.

Tbh reading this thread it seems like the OPe mum is not over the OPs dad.
There is nothing wrong in him saying 'you would've loved it' there were together a long time, I am sure he know what she would have enjoyed.
The more I read the more I think no one wants her there because its harder to pretend your all one big family.
You want him to have a laugh with his ex wife and ex bil. Your parents are having an emotional affair and I think everyone would like to pretend everything is like it was before the divorce. Having your dad wife there will spoil that.

Sighing. I agree.

This is why weddings are hard. Not table decorations and money. They force emotional and family issues to a head. Sorry OP. This is probably making you feel worse in the short term,

And it isn't right that your wedding brings to the fore the issues between your father, his wife and your mother. That's for him to sort out (or slope off an and have an affair and 'solve' it that way) You should still invite her as your father's wife. .

I am afraid I am with those who feel you have to invite her. However, there might be a way of doing it without offending your Dad and get her to not come on the day after all. Perhaps explain to him that she can't be on top table but will have to sit elsewhere and do they have some mutual friends who could be invited to keep her company. Emphasise that you want her to be happy and enjoy herself and then cross your fingers that, as you say, they don't have anyone to bring and he will get the subtext and leave her at home. However, in her position, I would be insanely jealous of him sitting with an ex at a wedding / party and me not being there to oversee things. It sounds as if she is a bit short on social graces and has been snide and unkind, perhaps from sheer discomfort. My Dad had a second marriage and, although it sent my very sensitive and alcoholic mother into a drunken rage, we still had to invite her to various weddings. She was not responsible for the end of the marriage but was controversial when my mother was alone.

Perhaps you should speak to her directly. Saying that you dn't want her to feel left out, would she like to bring a friend to keep her company. That way you don't have to worry about her and, it is just possible, she might then not come.

You do sound a little bits spoilt to be honest, something about how everyone at the wedding means something special to us, being used as justification for not inviting your Dad's wife. Slightly nauseating and with your numbers a little hard to believe that every single guest is a flawless perfect additio to your life. is there no one else coming that has ever irritated you even a little bit, perhaps even made a bits of a mess of one of your carpets or ever said anything inappropriate at any point within your earshot?

It also sounds slightly like you all want to play happy families with mum and dad back together for the day without that pesky reminder that things have moved on in the room.

If you respect your father?s new marriage and if you ever wish your own marriage to be publicly recognized and respected by others whom you meet in life you should invite your father?s wife. That is what respecting your father's marriage and his wife?s role in his life actually means. You know that. You would prefer that there is no fly in the ointment on the day of your wedding and that?s understandable. Maybe the wife will recognize your discomfort and oblige you ? but if you fail to invite her you should be ashamed of yourself. But as I say, I think you know that.

Out of interest OP, do you see where certain posters are coming from when they say your Dad is having an emotional affair with your Mum? Does that wound like it might have some truth in it to you?

I agree you have to invite her. Otherwise, you are the one making it clear that she's not important, and be dishonourable as a result. Frankly, it's your dad who should be doing that.

X post with furry. :)

Gosh that poor, poor, woman.

Married so her husband won´t be alone.

And your mother pandering to him.

I´d be ashamed of them.

Sorry, Flower, but the thread does read like "Can I get away with excluding my stepmother?" and all the additional details just reinforce that.

I think it's ok not to want to invite her, by the way. I also think almost everyone ends up inviting someone they dislike to their wedding, or the dcs' christening, or whatever.

I also think both your parents sound annoying, and it's pretty obvious why they split up! Also obvious why father would prefer someone emotionless after a martyr. Finally, I genuinely don't understand how mother can be such a friend to father and so anxious in the presence of stepmother unless she has some jealous idea that they should never have split up...

We have a family member who is very like this woman. But we all suck it up for her husband's sake, and over time she has shown her better side (helping care for housebound relative, etc). Maybe your pain-in-the-arse relative will have a hidden redeeming feature after all. She might be shit hot at wedding presents!

In conclusion, YABU to exclude her, even though YANBU to want to.

I think you're going totally overboard and getting obsessed with not wanting to invite your Dad's wife. Of course she should be invited. She's your Dad's wife. Imagine if the table was turned and your Dad didn't invite your future husband to a big family event.

You give the invite to both your Dad and his wife. You can tell your Dad that if she doesn't want to attend you understand thus giving her an escape clause if need be, which in turn may get you what you want!

I think you need to grow up and stop getting so engrossed in this. Your Dad chose to marry the woman so show some respect. No wonder she might be a bit cold towards the family with such hostility been given towards her. You seem to have a high regard for your Dad so I think you should respect his life choice of marrying the lady.

sorry re: my last post. I don't mean your father should be excluding your stepmother. But if he really is happy for her to be excluded, he has to take the responsibility and the consequences of that.

I think you feel conflicted enough to post on here, because being put in the position of doing other peoples' dirty work is very uncomfortable.