Dad's wife at wedding AIBU to ask for advice how to handle this

[ComeBackasaFlower]

N/C regular...

I'd prefer not to have my Dad's wife at my wedding.

My Dad remarried about 5 years ago after my parents divorced when I was an adult. I have a very good relationship with him, but his wife is pretty much a stranger to us. Their relationship strikes me more as that of convenient companionship as opposed to any great love match. When I have encountered of her, I've felt she is someone to whom I wouldn't ordinarily warm regardless of circumstances. We have never really had the opportunity or desire to build a relationship, which suits all parties fine for the most part, but when it comes to our (intimate, close friends & family) wedding, it poses a problem as I'm not sure I feel comfortable having a virtual stranger there. Particularly one whose presence is certain to make my Mum feel extremely uncomfortable and for whom my sister and Grandma have very little time (to put it mildly)

I'm also concerned that my Dad will be fulfilling a traditional role on the day, escorting me to the ceremony - giving me away, and helping host the reception, so his wife will be on her own for big swathes of time. The only people at the wedding she knows are my aforementioned sister and grandma, neither of whom will be falling over themselves to make her feel welcome. It's hardly likely to be an enjoyable occasion for her, but she's a bit emotionally neutral, so I think she would just get through it without feeling particularly bothered.

I know I need to have a frank conversation with my Dad since as it stands, I have no idea what his expectations are regarding her attendance. He could be completely in tune with my concerns and have assumed his wife would not attend anyway (although rather unlikely), or equally not have given any thought to any potential issue and be put out at the suggestion she doesn't come. It's very hard to gauge. I know I just have to tread very carefully to ensure this doesn't blow up into a massive, upsetting issue for everyone...

How am I going to handle this? AIBU to ask the advice of strangers on the internet?! Don't want to dripfeed but reluctant to drone on so feel free to ask me to expand on stuff.

Your dads disloyalty to his wife astounds me tbh, although I wonder if he just goes along with the rest of you, to a) keep the peace and b) because he still feels guilty about the original affair.

If his wife really means so little to him, I don't think he would have married her and I think it would be appalling to expect him to make this choice - upset his daughter on her wedding day, or upset his wife.

Honestly you all sounds about 5, you, your mum, your sister and even your gran - although the elderly are often picky about peole they don't know.

I think a lot of posters are being harsh here. I am firmly in the camp when it comes to weddings of 'it is your day - ONE day in your whole life when you can have a day completely for you and your other half'. Therefore you should be ableto have it how you like - kids or no kids, on the moon.another country etc...gift lists, money - whatever YOU want.

Why people can not puttheir feelings aside for one day for other people is beyond me. If they dont like it they dont have to come.

From the sounds of it she would not care if she came or not - and the fact you are worrying about this shows that you are highly considerate of others feelings. Talk to your dad - lay your feelings out and give him the choice.

Based on what you have said - I think your dad would go along with this - doesn't make it right though.

"I say this because he gives us the impression she is just a convenient companion rather than his soulmate-life-partner-most-important-person-in-his-world"

Poor bloody woman. :(

Or maybe your dad is trying not to upset you, your mother, his mother and all the rest of you that seem to be very judgemental and critical, and he prefers to be less demonstrative of his love for her in front of you all, and plays down any romance, because he knows that is likely to cause some sort of offence or gain disapproval from everyong.

Ok then so nothing has changed. If you don't want a relationship with her, then don't invite her.

I wonder about your dad, I do, if he really would be happy about this. It sounds weak to me. Poor her, if he doesn't care that much. Not your problem though.

So I guess what your saying is if these concerns are that important to me, I have to accept that this could well spell the end of my relationship with my Dad. That's it isn't it

I think you're being a teensy weensy bit dramatic now.

At the end of the day, you have to remember that as much as it's your special day, it still just a wedding. No matter how much you mean to your family, it really is still just a wedding.

The most important part of all this is your marriage...not who should sit next to who and who said what about so and so.

It's one day...it amounts to a few hours out of everyone's lives to just get along or at least pretend to.

Just invite her, ask someone to sit and talk to her during the meal and then your Dad can spend the rest of the night with her.

Does she have any children of her own or maybe a sister who you could invite She is estranged from her sister and does not have children. She is not a very family/children-oriented person (absolutely not suggesting that one equals the other, that's just what my Dad has told us)

Stop drip feeding and stop looking for confirmation that not inviting her won't be extremely rude, you're not going to find it here.
I get AIBU, I get frustration at dripfeeding. I'm trying my best not to, just issues are being raised which are prompting me to remember/include additional relevant info. I'm also not looking for people you tell me what I want to hear. I use AIBU to ascertain views opposing my own, so I am better equipped to move forward to resolving a situation with minimal upset for all concerned. I'm listening and responding fairly and honestly if you read my posts.

Ha, Bongaloo that's a good point :)

I'm really trying to find the words to explain my Mum's and sister's feeling as they are crucial to this, and a lot of you think my Mum IBU, when really she is the most selfless, reasonable person. I will think on...

Surely there´s no need to ask whether or not to invite her-but more who does he think she should sit with?

She is his wife, she needs to be invited, end of. If you don't invite her then you risk your dad either not coming to or wedding, never speaking to you again or coming to you wedding in a mood. Not worth it.

Right - if you don't invite her, you are making a huge statement and you shouldn't be surprised if your Dad decides he can't go. For the sake of your long term relationship with your father, you really should make an effort to invite her, you should make an effort to at least be polite, if nothing else. if you don't invite your step mother to your wedding without good reason, you will be being incredibly rude. Even if your father sucks it up and comes along, you/your dad might have to fend off 'where is [step mother]?' questions and then you'll look a bit of an arse without explaining the whole thing, then feel you have to justify yourself and it'll be an 'issue' on the day.

you are inviting 90 but expect 80 ish, so I assume you have spare capacity at the venue and could afford 81... My suggestion is you invite her and ask her if she would like to bring a 'date' as your father will be on hosting duties and on the top table. This solves the 'where to put her' issue if she has someone with her.

If she doesn't want to being a 'date', pick a couple who you are close too, sit her next to them and say that she doesn't know anyone so ask them to engage her in conversation at the meal. That's all you need really, the rest of the time she can be with your Dad while he's 'hosting'.

For your mum, could you give her the option of bringing a 'plus one'? It might make it easier for her to see her exH with someone else if she's not 'on her own'.

I'm not in the 'it's your big day camp so do exactly as you please' camp because decisions that are made often effect other people. As in this situation.
Honestly op, in families there are often one or2 people who make snarky comments and rub others up the wrong way. It's part of being a family and you have chosen to make this a family occasion.
And your dad's wife 'is' family. Yes, she may be annoying and rude at times but none of what you describe warrants not inviting her or upsetting your dad. Leaving her out might have long term effects on your relationship with her and, more importantly, with your father. I would think long and hard before I risked that.

"I say this because he gives us the impression she is just a convenient companion rather than his soulmate-life-partner-most-important-person-in-his-world"

And would you rather he gave you a vivid description of the hot sex they have?

Or would you rather he disrespect you and your Mother by telling you that actually, he loves this woman more than he's ever loved anyone else?

You really can't judge your Dad's marriage on what he's willing to tell you about it...not if you have any respect for each other.

steben

I think people should put their feelings aside for the sake of one day. Those people should be the OPs sister, mum and grandmother.

If your mum has Only met her once - and they didn't end up fighting I ponder your mothers feelings for your dad - there is no reason forbyoir mum to have such an issue with her - if she is as socially inept as you make out - I don't understand the big issue with her coming.

You sound like a family deliberately setting out to dislike this woman - as if she is a substitute for venting your feelings about the original OW.

I think your dad cares for her a lot more than he is letting on - because having had an affair - he doesn't want to "lose" you all again.

Cruel - all of you - it reminds me of teenage girls.

Good idea about the "plus one" for the mother. My MIL brought her best friend. They had a laugh

I wouldn't invite anyone to a wedding without a partner - it's rude. Regardless of whether she knows anyone and where she will be sitting, there will be people there she can speak to. It's not your job to socialise her if she refuses - anyway, she can decline the invite can't she?

The thing is your mum and sister are making this into a much bigger deal than it needs to be and I do understand that pressure, but then your sister clearly invited her to your nephew's christening as that was the right thing to do, so she doesn't have a leg to stand on in regards to criticising you for inviting her to the wedding. As for your mum she just has to accept that this is how things are, as others have said she is clearly in the more positive position to the new wife so she just needs to stop being a drama queen. As does your gran.

At the end of the day, it is a party with 80 people, neither your mum, your sister or your gran need to do more than say hello, they don't even need to do that. I find it hard to believe they would genuinely feel uncomfortable all day if your Dad's wife was there surely they'd all be too busy celebrating with you and enjoying your special day.

Good post sighing.

It would be poor manners not to invite her, as she is your father's wife.
It's not up to you to worry about whether she'll have anyone to socialise with.
She may decline anyway, if she has similar concerns to you.

I can understand that your mother may be uncomfortable with her presence, but really, that is not your concern either - why risk a rift with your father because of it? Your parents are both adults, and they need to communicate with each other to resolve any problems, rather than expecting you to do it as your role of bride.

I think you're allowing yourself to absorb potential issues that are not of your making, nor within your gift to resolve.

Your family should be supporting you and assuring you that there will not be a problem - getting married is stressful enough without having to be a referee.

I think you have to invite her, for all the reasons given already.

I also think that your mother has no business to play the martyr - you said something earlier about how anxious she will be, that she will make herself ill; then you said that she is always so selfless... IMO, selflessness does not include making your about-to-be-wed daughter choose between her Dad's family and her Mum's family at her wedding.

To be perfectly honest, I think she should get invited because she is your dad's wife, even though she can be rude. To me, anything else is just making a big drama over nothing, and if your family can not manage to enjoy the day with her present, they're drama queens.
Obviously, you disagree. Well, don't invite her then. Maybe your dad won't be bothered. Talk to him and see what he thinks you should do?
On the nature of their relationship, it's not a crime to marry even if you are not deeply in love. Simple companionship is underrated in my opinion.

Your mother doesn't sound reasonable if she'd have anxiety attacks at the thought of her exhusband bringing his wife of 5 years to her daughter's wedding. I'm amazed she'd expect anything else, and surely a reasonable person would have gone and got some psychological help if they are still that traumatised by their marriage break up well over 5 years down the line. You make her sound neurotic and martyry.

Since you didn't want to invite her, the best angle was really to explain how much the day means to your mum and that as your Mum will be uncomfortable with your Dad's wife there, would your MIL be okay with not attending. You could have written a letter to HER explaining the situation, apologising, hoping she doesn't mind and being otherwise as nice as possible about it.

I say you 'could have' because you've already done this...

"I tried to explain to him, without trying to be nasty, the reasons why we don't like her"

That was a really bad move. However un-nasty you think you were being, there is no way to politely explain that you don't like someone's partner and I guarantee you hurt your Dad's feelings immensely, especially as you had your sister there which you felt was necessary back-up but he probably experienced as ganging up.

I originally had sympathy with your situation, I didn't invite my Dad's partner to my wedding and they were very understanding about it, but I think you've backed yourself into a corner now.

You seem like a thoughtful person from your posts so I would do the following: Be totally gracious, invite her and be especially lovely about it to boot. It's your wedding, so if you really don't want her there then don't invite her, BUT do it knowing that the way you've handled this so far will cause an even bigger rift with your Dad. Someone has to make the effort with these things and everyone all ways thinks they're the side that's done the lion's share. Make the effort and show her how it's done. You will benefit in the long run. Grace is a virtue for a reason.

Good luck with it and congratulations for your big day.

2rebecca - interesting you should say that, because that's exactly how my MIL was - after 12 years apart. She managed to cope on the day, though.

I'm a Christian, can be socially awkward and shy and I am good at putting my foot in my mouth So I really feel for her actually but perhaps I am projecting my own experiences here. In fact the more awkward I feel and the more I think I am disliked, the more stupid things I say too And I am not an unkind person at all. I would find it hard being in a family situation like this if I was your step mum.

I also wonder if a lot of the perception of her due to her faith: "being a born again Christian" as you put it, has also skewed things your family have seen her do and say. It honestly feels like your whole family look down your noses at her due to her faith and for her wanting to marry him. Perhaps I am seeing things that aren't there though? It's never possible to convey fully on a thread everything that is said and done.

I think she knows she isn't liked or welcome in the family, she cannot be immune to it, no matter how polite people are to her face.

I think if she is invited she will come, to do the right thing but won't enjoy the day. But I would have invited her, been kind to her and tried to be accommodating on seating to be sensitive to everyone involved.

Speak to your Dad as others have said. You've had some very good and candid advice here. It is going to be a hard decision to make and to speak to your dad, so I wish you luck and I hope you come back and tell us what you decided