Dad's wife at wedding AIBU to ask for advice how to handle this

[ComeBackasaFlower]

N/C regular...

I'd prefer not to have my Dad's wife at my wedding.

My Dad remarried about 5 years ago after my parents divorced when I was an adult. I have a very good relationship with him, but his wife is pretty much a stranger to us. Their relationship strikes me more as that of convenient companionship as opposed to any great love match. When I have encountered of her, I've felt she is someone to whom I wouldn't ordinarily warm regardless of circumstances. We have never really had the opportunity or desire to build a relationship, which suits all parties fine for the most part, but when it comes to our (intimate, close friends & family) wedding, it poses a problem as I'm not sure I feel comfortable having a virtual stranger there. Particularly one whose presence is certain to make my Mum feel extremely uncomfortable and for whom my sister and Grandma have very little time (to put it mildly)

I'm also concerned that my Dad will be fulfilling a traditional role on the day, escorting me to the ceremony - giving me away, and helping host the reception, so his wife will be on her own for big swathes of time. The only people at the wedding she knows are my aforementioned sister and grandma, neither of whom will be falling over themselves to make her feel welcome. It's hardly likely to be an enjoyable occasion for her, but she's a bit emotionally neutral, so I think she would just get through it without feeling particularly bothered.

I know I need to have a frank conversation with my Dad since as it stands, I have no idea what his expectations are regarding her attendance. He could be completely in tune with my concerns and have assumed his wife would not attend anyway (although rather unlikely), or equally not have given any thought to any potential issue and be put out at the suggestion she doesn't come. It's very hard to gauge. I know I just have to tread very carefully to ensure this doesn't blow up into a massive, upsetting issue for everyone...

How am I going to handle this? AIBU to ask the advice of strangers on the internet?! Don't want to dripfeed but reluctant to drone on so feel free to ask me to expand on stuff.

OP - I more or less made DH marry me - we worship the ground each other walks on - he cried like a baby all the through our wedding - from before I even arrived.

He absolutely adores me and I him.

Your dad is absolutely wrong to be discussing his wife with you like this and also he is desperate to make amends for his affair and have you back in his life - don't believe everything he is saying.

Actually I may be barking up the wrong tree here but if you are who I think you are, are you really in a position to take the moral high ground regarding wanting to steer a relationship towards marriage?

OP why don't you go the whole hog and just ask your dad outright " her or me ?"

That's what you want to do , you want him to choose you ( and your family) over his wife .

How mixed up is that ? . It's not a choice ...it shouldn't be a choice . Instead of a wedding , I think you need some counselling instead to make you realise just because your dad is married it doesn't mean he does not love you . His wife isn't " stealing" love from you . And just because he's a friend to your mother doesn't mean he wants back with her .

Your reasons for disliking your stepmother are pathetic and childlike. Poor woman was probably a bag of nerves on meeting your family , and some people are not naturally blessed with good social skills ...but hey she trod in dog mess ...so you've got a free card to hate her and feel justified. I think you'd probably have found some other reason to dislike her if that hadn't happened.

Your opinion that your dad and stepmother are married only for convenience or companionship is utterly utterly foul . Who are you to disregard their marriage like this ? , laughable really when you tells us you spend very little time with them both . So how could you possibly know ? .

You want your dad to partipate in your wedding , and celebrate and respect your marriage , but you won't respect his .

Go ahead , be ignorant ,rude and disrespectful to his wife ...the only one you will hurt by doing this is your Dad , and ultimately it will taint your relationship with him.

Then it will hurt you when he becomes a little more distant .

You are doing a brilliant job at answering all the questions put to you ComeBack, except for the question about why exactly your Mum and Gran will find it so hard to be in the same room as this woman for one day.

I get that she's rude and you don't want her there, but i still think you have no good reason not to invite her.

Honestly, the only way forward is to invite her but get your Dad to decide he doesn't want to bring her.

No, droves This isn't some freudian Daddy's love situation. This is primarily bourn out of concern for My Mum's wellbeing and happiness. I'm not asking him to choose, I'd have done that my now. It took a long time to forgive him and trust him again, even like him again.

I do treat people how I would like to be treated. If I treated an 85 y/o visually impaired woman as though she was a burden and made her feel unwelcome in my home, then I probably wouldn't be surprised if her granddaughter had little time for me.

She was not a bag of nerves on meeting my family, As I've said over and over we were welcoming and keen for it to work. She was very confident and while she may have been a bit nervous on the inside, it didn't stop her from making judgemental comments or snippy remarks. I think you'd probably have found some other reason to dislike her if that hadn't happened. That's not true, I was dismissive of my sister and Grandma's concerns initially and keen to get along (hence inviting them over), but they way she overreacted (then went and bitched to my Grandma about the incident) made us think perhaps they might not be so wrong about her.

It will be a huge punch in the face not to ask her. You can always ask him if he wants her at a small event where she will be cheek by jowl with lots of other relatives, but if he says yes, you ask IMO. It should be his decision, if you want him to play a large role. I was never going to just not ask her. I had pretty much planned to do what you suggest.

But you're not answering WHY your mum is going to be so distressed and anxious about this woman being there. It doesn't make any sense at all, it really doesn't.
Your stemum wasn't the OW
You say you were all glad he met someone
She's been a bit socially inept a few times, but why for the love of all that is holy would this mean your mum would be so distressed by her presence that you feel you can't invite her?

I'm sorry - you don't know how she treated your gran. You have already said she only wants help from you your mum and dad at the wedding.

The elderly can feel like a burden - that doesn't mean they are being treated like one and I get the impression no one would be good enough except your mother

except for the question about why exactly your Mum and Gran will find it so hard to be in the same room as this woman for one day. You're right. I've just been trying to explain this to DP too. It's impossible to explain why my Mum feels that way, she just does. It's a deep-seated emotional response. Perhaps she does need to get help for it, but in the main it's not an issue. She doesn't have to deal with Dad's wife ever. She's a happy content person and has a really full, rich life. I've given everyone the impression my Dad is constantly pestering my Mum, he calls once a fortnight or so, and when he's up visiting us all he drops in on her too. He's given her the opportunity in the past to take him back but she's not interested. It's not a power trip thing, she is just happier on her own. Generally, she just goes about her business without giving them much thought, but for some reason, the thought of being in their presence together provokes enormous amounts of anxiety in her. I'm sorry I can't explain it better.

As for my Grandma, she just doesn't like the woman after how she treated her and would prefer to have nothing to do with her.

I'm sorry - you don't know how she treated your gran. I do, because my Grandma told me and I believe her. My Grandma is a generous person and genuinely wanted my Dad to be happy with his new wife.

Easy: invite her.

Anything else is emotionally-stunted, immature, teenage behaviour.

Oh Op, I really feel for you as it sounds like such a hard one. I do think those who say to invite her are correct but totally get why you don't want to as I'd put my mum & sisters feelings before anyone else in your circumstances.

I don't think you should change your wedding plans but rather have an honest conversation with your dad explaining how you've been agonising over the situation but honestly can't see a way to accommodate his wife. If you do this however, you do need to be prepared for it to be the end of your relationship with him as he may have much stronger feelings for her than you all realise (perhaps he's trying to spare your mum any further hurt or whatever, however misguided that may be).

Good luck

But that is both your mother's and grandmother's problem. Not yours and especially not on your wedding day. No way. You're just not responsible in this way.

They still don't have to have anything to do with her even if she is at your wedding.

You are torn between your mum and your dad still. Its simply not fair on you. I suspect there might be more behind all this actually.

I don't think your gran is being malicious - but elderly people like everything just so - I doubt your sm did anything wrong - just not right. Doesnt mean your gran is lying.

Dhs mum can't cope with my middle child - it's obvious - it's just because he is too much for her.

Or do you think your dad stood by while she mistreated your gran? In which case he is as much to blame.

Your mum is a fool to keep taking his calls. Once a fortnight? Exes raising toddlers together often don't talk that often.

Their relationship is pretty messed up but rather than blame either of them for it you are hell-bent on taking it all out on some awkward stranger because she doesn't agree with infant baptism.

But by all means cancel what should be a lovely perfectly normal wedding over this. It will give you all a new bit of drama to martyr yourselves over.

Really your mum and grandma have modelled some kind of weird long-suffering martyr complex for you and you are determined now to continue it.

Rather than just get on with things and concentrate on everything that's going well and would be enjoyable about your wedding, rather than actually discuss what upsets you, you are just going to cancel your dream wedding and suffer and expect your DH and his family to miss out as well. This is not how normal people deal with problems!!

I suspect there might be more behind all this actually. I'm honestly really trying to be transparent, perhaps there is an I'm not realising it's relevant.

I guess I still feel guilty about what happened when he confessed to the affair. My Mum was shellshocked, it came quite out of the blue and the way he was so dismissive of it and expected them to just cary on as normal had her really dazed. He'd recently been made redundant from a job he'd loved and was going through a bit of a crisis when he had the affair - that's not to excuse it though. I was utterly outraged and couldn't even look at my Dad. I was still living at home at the time and felt very protective towards my Mum. My sister was suffering with depression at the time and told me on occasion when I called her for support that she couldn't handle it. She doesn't remember that now and feels really rotten about it. My brother was up to his elbows in new babies and wasn't really round much. Looking back it was quite a weight to carry on my own, but at the time I felt quite strong and capable. I pretty much told my Dad to get out, as my Mum wasn't up to it. I probably carry some guilt about that to this day as it wasn't really my place to do that.

We have a shitload of issues with my brother. He's put my parents through hell and my Mum is very fragile from it. She's an incredible, strong woman but he has really damaged her in many ways I'd rather not go into on here. It's all resolved now in as much as there is no longer any pain being actively inflicted, but she is still in pieces over it, although she doesn't let on. This heightens why my sister and I feel so protective toward her.

I'm not looking for sympathy or trying to justify my universally-deemed unreasonable actions, just providing some context which might help you all understand why we are so "seriously weird"

I think your reasons for not wanting her there are perfectedly valid,it is your day and why would you want to invite someone you don't like. Problem is you can't really expect your Dad to play a big role in your wedding and not invite his wife, you just can't.

You never know though she might be dreading coming and only coming because she feels duty bound. If it were me I would probably have a little chat with dad and say you understand she may feel awkward as she won't know anyone etc and let him know you won't be offended if she doesn't want to come. You know, sound like you are doing them a favour! If after that though she does still want to attend I would let her but I wouldnt worry about her not knowing anyone that's not your problem.

So what are you going to tell your mother about why you have drastically cut back the wedding plans? How do you think she will feel about you having a quick thing with a couple of witnesses when she knows your wide circle of 80 close friends so well? How will she feel about it all having been cancelled to save her feelings? Not migraine or anxiety-inducing at all?

To those who are suggesting I just have an honest conversation with him, well, that's what I'd planned really, and the intention of this thread was to seek some guidance on how best to play it. I hadn't completely made my mind up, I'm always open to different viewpoints.

Perhaps you are too involved in this to see what other people are seeing. Reading your posts, I feel like I understand exactly what you are saying, and it is not at all unreasonable for you to be happier without your Dads wife at your wedding.

From the outside, nothing you have said sounds like a strong enough reason for not inviting her. Not inviting her would be so rude that for it to come across as acceptable, there has to be a really good reason, and even when you put all the little things together, there just isn't one.

I still think you need to work on your Dad so that he doesn't want to bring her.

SecondRow she'd probably be disappointed but she would understand. She was one of the numerous people who was quite surprised (and pleased of course) that we were planning to have such an full-on wedding given the circumstances. We recently went on holiday abroad and when we got back she said she's half expected us to just sack it all off and get married there, even though at that stage, no fuss had really been made about this situation. She said she really wouldn't have minded and I believe her. She is truly selfless, not a martyr.

Actually though, as I was reading down I was going to give you a suggestion for your original wedding, but I guess it's too late now. Why not demote your father and his wife from the top table and any special roles, and have your mother give you away?

Let us know what you decide

Outraged I'm reluctant to reply to you at the risk of sounding like I only want to court suggestions from people who support my view, but I completely agree with your post.

And yet none of that has absolutely anything to do with your dads wife.

Out of interest, what is your mum going to say when you tell her that step mum hasn't been invited to the 80 guest wedding or that the big wedding was cancelled due to the need to protect her fragility. I ask because my mum would be mortified.