Dad's wife at wedding AIBU to ask for advice how to handle this

[ComeBackasaFlower]

N/C regular...

I'd prefer not to have my Dad's wife at my wedding.

My Dad remarried about 5 years ago after my parents divorced when I was an adult. I have a very good relationship with him, but his wife is pretty much a stranger to us. Their relationship strikes me more as that of convenient companionship as opposed to any great love match. When I have encountered of her, I've felt she is someone to whom I wouldn't ordinarily warm regardless of circumstances. We have never really had the opportunity or desire to build a relationship, which suits all parties fine for the most part, but when it comes to our (intimate, close friends & family) wedding, it poses a problem as I'm not sure I feel comfortable having a virtual stranger there. Particularly one whose presence is certain to make my Mum feel extremely uncomfortable and for whom my sister and Grandma have very little time (to put it mildly)

I'm also concerned that my Dad will be fulfilling a traditional role on the day, escorting me to the ceremony - giving me away, and helping host the reception, so his wife will be on her own for big swathes of time. The only people at the wedding she knows are my aforementioned sister and grandma, neither of whom will be falling over themselves to make her feel welcome. It's hardly likely to be an enjoyable occasion for her, but she's a bit emotionally neutral, so I think she would just get through it without feeling particularly bothered.

I know I need to have a frank conversation with my Dad since as it stands, I have no idea what his expectations are regarding her attendance. He could be completely in tune with my concerns and have assumed his wife would not attend anyway (although rather unlikely), or equally not have given any thought to any potential issue and be put out at the suggestion she doesn't come. It's very hard to gauge. I know I just have to tread very carefully to ensure this doesn't blow up into a massive, upsetting issue for everyone...

How am I going to handle this? AIBU to ask the advice of strangers on the internet?! Don't want to dripfeed but reluctant to drone on so feel free to ask me to expand on stuff.

It is very simple- your father has chosen her and obviously intends her to be with him for life. Get to know her - you don't appear to at the moment. Invite her - she is your step mother(legally if not emotionally) and I can't see why you would exclude your step mother unless you had a lot of history.
Put it this way - would you want anyone you know to invite you to a wedding without your DP merely on the grounds that they didn't really know him and didn't want to? I doubt it.

Yes it is that simple - just invite her.

Fwiw in case it helps - I was really really tight on number (65 and over half taken up by im. family). I absolutely agonised over my guest list - I truly did - for weeks. Everyone of the 65 (including me Dh and own DCs in that 65) was a close personal friend/actively involved family member).

And I still failed to notice until the evening do that 2 guests hadn't arrived!!!!! Because I was too busy having a wonderful time.

On the day - it really won't matter that much I promise.

Is it as simple as just inviting her? I think if you read this thread properly you will know the answer to your question is YES!!

I think only inviting a couple of witnesses to your wedding is likely to cause more upset than inviting your dad's wife to a big do where she will be pretty unobtrusive, and you can surely palm her off on a relay of friends and relations.

You sound like you want to make a point to your dad, consciously or not.

Your wedding isn't the time to do that. You'll be the one who regrets it. Invite her. Don't analyse it to death with your mother, sister and grandmother. You are picking at a scab.

Deliberately excluding your fathers wife from a very significant day is spiteful.

I totally get what you are trying to do though. You'll tell your father that you couldn't possibly have a big wedding due to complex family situation (don't get what is complex about it, it's very common to have divorced parents at a wedding, one or both with a new partner). Your father will then say of course little princess have the wedding you want and tell you to have the wedding you want and his wife not to come. She, who has done nothing wrong, will be almost definitely insulted and quite possibly upset, but you will get your own way. Well done. What I don't get is why you wasted everyone's time asking for people's advice and opinions when you quite clearly weren't going to listen.

If the thought of this woman is so terrible you need to not have the wedding you want, then do that. Telling your Dad that would just be vindictive. I am surprised you're in your 30s because that is the plan of a cross 13 year-old.

She's not exactly innocent, Kayano.

She's no fool, my dad made no secret of the fact that he was only really marrying her because she wouldn't continue the relationship otherwise. It was hardly romance of the century if she had to deliver him an ultimatum. She must understand that theirs is a relationship of companionable convenience. While I haven't spent much time in their company, this is the the impression I get and view of my Grandma and sister who have spent more time with them.

My sister was making quite an effort with her (she was keen for her DD to continue a relationship with her Grandfather) and in the end gave up because she got fed up with the constant snippy comments and judgements. She felt uncomfortable in her company.

As I said before, she made my Grandma feel unwelcome and burdensome when she went to stay. This was the first Christmas my Dad and her were together and my Grandma had no view on her whatsoever, like us was just glad my Dad had found someone, so she went down with an open mind and keen to get along. When she returned she vowed never to return and was upset about the way she had been treated.

I love and trust my Sister and Grandma and while I'm not saying it's fair to base ones opinion solely on another's experiences, when they are people you are that close to, you can't help but feel loyal. I was still keeping an open mind right up till dog poo gate (I invited them over for a Christmas drink) when she made such a fuss and I just thought it would be easier if we all just kept our distance from now on. Dad's wife seems happy with this arrangement.

If my Dad dies, I will attend his funeral and behave accordingly. As I said in regard to my Grandma's funeral, that day will be about them, not me, my mum or my sister.

You shouldn't feel you are caught up in a tangle of relationships.

Your relatives' beefs with your step mother/father's wife are their problems, not yours.

You cannot be responsible for managing their expectations over every slight that has happened to them. It's far too mic for anyone to take on even without a wedding to plan.

I think that if your mother et al are putting any pressure on you over this invitation - and you clearly feel responsible for their happiness over this when you shouldn't - then they ate being bang out of order.

Just invite her, for goodness' sake.

I've been in a similar position with remarried parents at weddings and know others who have. They've all invited the new spouse but have expected them to stay in the background - which they have all done. In two cases there was considerable bad feeling yet everyone managed to behave like grown ups. Sounds like this woman is effectively copping it for other people's bad behaviour.

I think that you are seeing her the way that you want to see her! Are you sure that you want your father to be happy with any woman?

And I think we have all had to have people we don't particularly like/know/want at family occasions.

The fallout of not doing this is sometimes worse than doing it.

Do you love your dad?

It's not as if you'll have to see his wife again anytime soon after the wedding. And if you do and she's so rude as you describe, then why on earth don't you all say something to her? Like "How bloody dare you be so rude?".

I bet she doesn't come anyway.

Don't analyse it to death with your mother, sister and grandmother. I'm not. I'm doing my best to avoid talking to them about it which is why I'm banging on to you lot still.

Course I love him, Winky. I wouldn't have spent time and effort rebuilding a relationship with him after his horrendous behaviour during the time of the affair and divorce if I didn't.

Are you sure that you want your father to be happy with any woman? Yes, as I've said times, we were hugely relieved when he told us he was with someone. He was so morose and needy after splitting up with my Mum we were just so happy things seemed to be looking up for him. We did make quite an effort in the beginning.

Does what I've said on this thread really warrant being told by someone they hope my wedding is miserable?

In that case just invite her!

I was 'dad's wife' at the weddings of all my three step children and I was treated with courtesy and respect at all of them. I was seated at top table with dh,his ex and her dh. I was even asked to read a poem at dss1's wedding. I know my dad doesn't like me much but on her wedding day she was great. They were all late teens when I married their dad and I had two DC of a similar age.
Your dad will be devastated if you leave her out. My dh would never attend a function from which I was excluded.

Pretty much ruined what you initially wanted out of spite so I'm going for 'yes'

I don't think ultimatums "marry me or leave" are unreasonable. I would never have had children with a man who wasn't committed enough to me to marry me and am amazed so many women do. If she is religious surely it's not surprising that she had no desire to "live in sin" and told your dad to either make her an honourable woman or sling his hook.
You make it sound as though she was manipulating him, but I think for a woman of her age, particularly a religious one her behaviour is fairly normal. Your father decided she was important enough to him for him to marry her, it doesn't have to have been romance of the century. It has lasted 5 years though so it wasn't a huge mistake.
I think it's sad that you, your sister and your gandmother hate this woman more than you love your father, which is effectively what this boils down to.
She really shouldn't be that important to you.

I don't mean my dad I mean my dsd flipping tablet auto correct!

just invite her, 80 people is not 'intimate', sit her with some family from your dad's side or some of your dh's friends.

we had dh's df who never ever speaks to his dm (divorced more than 30 years ago) at our 'intimate' ceremony of just two witnesses, my dps and db and dh's ds, dm and step-dad, now THAT was awkward but my dh maintained he wanted to be the bigger man and couldn't deny his df being there if he wanted to (which he did).

I would honestly appreciate it if you would specifically point out where I am being spiteful.

OP, your whole attitude towards your step mother is hateful, it's really mean.

*When you have guests, that makes you a Host, a Host's job is to make guests feel as comfortable as possible======================= That's right, and the comfort of my immediate family is more important to me than that of a lady I barely know who my Dad felt obliged to marry so he wouldn't be lonely in his old age.

I have no desire to get to know her, as I'm sure she doesn't me. As I've said times, we don't have a relationship and that suits us fine*

A host should treat all guests with courtesy, not just a select few.

by not inviting your father's wife, you are putting him in a very difficult position, making him very uncomfortable, not just on the day, but long into the future, =======================================I've said I'm not sure if this would even be the case. He might in fact realise the awkwardness of the situation and appreciate it would probably be easier for all parties were she not present. I don't know this though. Say it were just parents and a couple of friends, a wedding party of 8, then would you all understand more why is is difficult to have her there? Well to me that room of 80 is as intimate and close as the 8.

I find that hard to believe that you can't recognise that it is going to be hurtful and upsetting.

You seem to of missed the empathy and good manners lessons in life, don't worry it's not to late to catch up,

Lesson one, treat people how you would like to be treated.

Imagine a few years down the line you marry a man who has children, they exclude you from any gathering, and tell you that their father has only married you so he won't be lonely in old age, just so rude.

my ex's wife comes to all the celebrations of our son's life, she married to son's father, I can't imagine being so childish as to exclude her, just so unnecessary unkind.

OP to be brutally honest you need to grow the fuck up, I can't honestly believe you would cancel your entire wedding over this.

Jeez - I had a terrible relationship with my stepmother. It never once crossed my mind not to invite her to our wedding, not once. I don't mean the decision was made in any sort of a masochistic, fearful, way, but because it would have been spectacularly rude and spiteful not to and would be like throwing a hand grenade into the middle of my family.

Btw, in your new, tiny wedding with just you, dp and some witnesses - who are the witnesses?

She's your father's wife. If she was an OW, or actively nasty, then you could be justified in saying you didn't want her there. As it is... she's his wife. It will be a huge punch in the face not to ask her. You can always ask him if he wants her at a small event where she will be cheek by jowl with lots of other relatives, but if he says yes, you ask IMO. It should be his decision, if you want him to play a large role.

The alternative is to run away and marry somewhere tropical, just the two of you. Which in your position is what I would do.

Yup-I wouldn´t have stayed with my husband if he hadn´t wanted to marry me.

And if your Dad would rather marry a woman he doesn´t want to than be alone-then more fool him!