Dad's wife at wedding AIBU to ask for advice how to handle this

[ComeBackasaFlower]

N/C regular...

I'd prefer not to have my Dad's wife at my wedding.

My Dad remarried about 5 years ago after my parents divorced when I was an adult. I have a very good relationship with him, but his wife is pretty much a stranger to us. Their relationship strikes me more as that of convenient companionship as opposed to any great love match. When I have encountered of her, I've felt she is someone to whom I wouldn't ordinarily warm regardless of circumstances. We have never really had the opportunity or desire to build a relationship, which suits all parties fine for the most part, but when it comes to our (intimate, close friends & family) wedding, it poses a problem as I'm not sure I feel comfortable having a virtual stranger there. Particularly one whose presence is certain to make my Mum feel extremely uncomfortable and for whom my sister and Grandma have very little time (to put it mildly)

I'm also concerned that my Dad will be fulfilling a traditional role on the day, escorting me to the ceremony - giving me away, and helping host the reception, so his wife will be on her own for big swathes of time. The only people at the wedding she knows are my aforementioned sister and grandma, neither of whom will be falling over themselves to make her feel welcome. It's hardly likely to be an enjoyable occasion for her, but she's a bit emotionally neutral, so I think she would just get through it without feeling particularly bothered.

I know I need to have a frank conversation with my Dad since as it stands, I have no idea what his expectations are regarding her attendance. He could be completely in tune with my concerns and have assumed his wife would not attend anyway (although rather unlikely), or equally not have given any thought to any potential issue and be put out at the suggestion she doesn't come. It's very hard to gauge. I know I just have to tread very carefully to ensure this doesn't blow up into a massive, upsetting issue for everyone...

How am I going to handle this? AIBU to ask the advice of strangers on the internet?! Don't want to dripfeed but reluctant to drone on so feel free to ask me to expand on stuff.

OP you are making mountain out of a molehill, I've said it before and I'll say it again, once the day comes no one will give a shit if she is there, if your Mum, your sister or your Gran were to kick up a fuss then shame on them for being rude, immature and selfish, (and you for behaving this way in the first place). Are you honestly going to change your entire wedding and threaten your dad into attending without his wife all because you don't really know her and think she's a bit rude? If that is the case then you must have missed some massive bit of detail out because it makes absolutely no sense on the basis of what you've posted on this thread.

I suggest you sleep on it for a few days before speaking to your Dad, speak to your DH to be about it and get his thoughts, and what about your brother you haven't mentioned his thoughts could he provide a less self interested biased point of view than the women in your family?

I would be surprised if your mother and other older relatives would countenance this Probably not, as my Mum would rather her not be there and my only other older relatives are my Dad's Mum and my Uncle and Aunt on my Mum's side. DP's side neither know nor really care about the situation.

that there is no big insult/barrier (affair for instance) that people would understand There is in as much as people who know the history well think it's weird he remarried anyway when he didn't seem that into his now wife and everyone felt he was not over (and possibly still in love with) my Mum. Most people (my Aunt and Uncle, my BiL, etc) regard the relationship as odd.

it's doing a nasty thing where doing a nice thing would be easy (in fact, expected) It's not going to be easy when I know it will make the day difficult for my Mum, Sister and Grandma.

Are you saying that you aren't going to have any kind of ceremony whatsoeer? Or that you aren't going to invite your dad? Because no matter what size celebration you have, 20 people or 200 - the bottom line doesn't change - if it includes your dad, you can't justify not including his wife. So the only way you get to have your way is by not inviting your father.

Yes that's what I'm saying. Just DP and me and some witnesses.

Or by just coming out and saying "I know it's terrible, but I just don't want her there", and giving up the moral ground. But I never claimed to have the moral ground here. I don't care how I look to people, I just want there to be the least upset on the day and during the build-up.

Is this woman really so important to you that you will change your wedding ceremony just to avoid her being there? If it means that my Mum and indeed myself doesn't have the inevitable anxiety that inviting her would create, then yes, I would.

When you have guests, that makes you a Host, a Host's job is to make guests feel as comfortable as possible That's right, and the comfort of my immediate family is more important to me than that of a lady I barely know who my Dad felt obliged to marry so he wouldn't be lonely in his old age.

I have no desire to get to know her, as I'm sure she doesn't me. As I've said times, we don't have a relationship and that suits us fine.

by not inviting your father's wife, you are putting him in a very difficult position, making him very uncomfortable, not just on the day, but long into the future, I've said I'm not sure if this would even be the case. He might in fact realise the awkwardness of the situation and appreciate it would probably be easier for all parties were she not present. I don't know this though. Say it were just parents and a couple of friends, a wedding party of 8, then would you all understand more why is is difficult to have her there? Well to me that room of 80 is as intimate and close as the 8.

OP this seems to have gone from 'a preference not to have her there' to guilt tripping your dad by telling him that you can't have the wedding you want because of his wife. A woman you've barely spoken to, and who hasn't done anything wrong! She has done wrong, she's alienated people I care about. She has made no effort to form a relationship with me, which is fine, I do not wish to have a relationship with her.

The reason I've decided it's probably easier all round to completely rethink the wedding is because I honestly wasn't expecting for it be deemed so universally despicable to consider finding a way of not including someone at my wedding whose presence would make the day less enjoyable for myself and others.

I'm pretty soft and laid back on the whole. If it were just me I'd probably have caved by now thinking, oh well, I have no time for the woman, but maybe we'll work it out so that it isn't an issue. But knowing how my Mum, sister and Grandma feel makes it not so simple.

This is proper mental behavior.

So, who would the witnesses be in the scaled down wedding??!!

Just invite your dad and his wife, FFS (or call it plus one if you like). She's his wife!
Would you ask any guest not to take his wife or her husband?

It's her problem if she wants to go or not, or if she'll feel lonely or not.

Cagney and just about everyone else on this thread is right. Completely mental. Disgraceful. Spiteful and petty.

Is this really the way you want to begin your marriage?

I reckon if she's there, nobody will notice. She will simply blend into the crowd and you will all just get on with celebrating your day.

I think you should ask your mother, your grandmother and sister to make this easy on you and ask them to behave like dignified grown ups at your wedding. They can ignore her, give her a simple greeting or whatever they want. But at least you will know you've done the right thing.

Not inviting her is indefensible, I'm afraid. Nothing you have said justifies such a nasty snub. It makes you look like a very petty, unkind person. But that is your choice, of course.

I think it might help to think which of the two options you would regret the least. I think you already know which you are leaning towards.

to play devils advocate, she may not even be bothered by a lack of invitation, may even be relieved to be free from the obligation to go.

I have read every post and the only thing I'm certain about here is that you are all seriously weird. Your dad, your mum, your stepmother, you.

Seriously you are all behaving ridiculously but since it has been going on for over ten years I suspect there isn't much we can say that will make you realise how completely odd you all are.

Do you know and like every single plus one? Yes, I really do. I'm struggling to see how this is so hard to believe.
*"We had a huge party for DPs 30th."

Did you invite your Dad and his wife to that? none of the parents came. It was friends, siblings and cousins. We celebrated DPs birthday separately with his parents and again with my Mum. My Dad isn't that involved in our day-to-day lives as he lives so far away.

How does your husband-to-be feel about it all? He is pretty indifferent. His family are a bit like the Waltons, he has no real understanding of the dynamics of a less conventional set-up. If pushed on the issue, he just loves my Mum to bits and is keen to avoid any situation that might upset her. He's a bit Switzerland about most things.

Is that how it will go?
No. More like I'll tell him it was kind of him to want to contribute to our wedding but under the circumstances, we've had a rethink and have decided not to have such an elaborate occasion as the thought of combining his wife with the rest of my family is causing me more anguish than I thought it would. He knows that my Mum and sister are funny about being around my Dad's wife (My sister has point blank refused to visit him). I will just say that I don't feel comfortable about it and leave it at that.

What will happen when your Dad's mum dies, ...Will you and your siblings not attend if the wife is there?
I don't see how not wanting my Dad's wife at my wedding implies that we wouldn't attend my Grandmas funeral. Of course we would. It's about my Grandma.

Will you expect to be made welcome in your stepmother's house? Will you be happy for her, as next of kin, to make the sole decisions regarding your father's care, money etc. Yes, I have accepted that this will be the case.

She probably chatted to your SIL at the Christening because she was the only one not being actively hostile to her. That's not true. We were really trying to make an effort with her then. She chatted to my SiL because it was her son's christening.

What if your/your siblings children want to forge a relationship with their grandfather and step grandmother? My niece has a relationship with her Grandfather. As I said, he travels up to visit alone.

Sit her next to a few people that she will get on with nicely. I've racked my brains but I'm struggling. Perhaps DP's Godparents.

if your Mum, your sister or your Gran were to kick up a fuss then shame on them for being rude, immature and selfish, they would never kick up a fuss. They would just feel very uncomfortable on the day and extremely anxious during the lead-up.

I suggest you sleep on it for a few days before speaking to your Dad I plan to

What about your brother he has pretty much disowned our Dad. We don't really have much to do with him. Go on - "Oh your family sounds nice, OP your DP should run a mile while he can".

She is your fathers WIFE , invite her ffs. You are overthinking this.

"Anyway, I've decided what I am going to do. I will tell my dad I cannot accept his kind offer of a contribution because we won't be having the big celebration we planned. And if he asks why, Ill tell him because it was too complicated with the situation between his wife and my family."

So you are passing the blame of your pettiness to your dad? And making him believe you are doing something small because you don't want his wife there?

FGS! What planet you are on? Actually, I'm wondering how on Earth you can be convinced that YABU and petty when there are more than 390 posts in the thread telling you so without you willing to listen.

If I were your dad I would be embarrassed of you. Sorry, and very offended that you have acted with such contempt to the person who is making him happy, and being there for him.

I didn't particularly like my father's wife. (slightly different situation as he was widowed). She was nothing like my mum, and not really 'our sort' (how snobby does that sound?) and I loathed her family. I cried when he told me they were going to be married (and I was in my 30s!)
However, she made my father very happy, and bottom line, that's what mattered.

OP, you have no idea about the state of their marriage - you don't see them together enough to judge, and I actually feel really sorry for her. If you've all been half as hostile to her face as you have been on here, she doesn't stand a chance.

I think you're throwing all your toys out of the pram now.

Your wedding is now tainted tbh

How bloody petty and downright cruel.

If your dad dies will you all sit at the front at his funeral with his wife or banish the oddball to the sidelines?

I'm giving up on this thread because you all sound utterly, utterly spiteful. I personally think, having read every single post, that your parents are still in love with each other (BOTH of them), and that is the root cause of all of this - they have sucked your whole family in with them.
There is absolutely no other explanation (that's you have given) for your mother to be so anxious about meeting her it makes her feel ill.

If you all think your dad married her while he was still in love with your mum, and he only married her f

Pedigree I am listening. People are asking questions and I'm responding as truthfully as I can.

The bottom line is that most people on this thread can't conceive of how I could consider finding a way of not having my Dad's wife at my wedding. I now realise that this desire is considered my many to be rude, offensive "seriously weird" whatever.

So you are now extending your pettiness to your DPs family and friends now. They can't celebrate your day because you don't want them to see how spiteful you are being. It is up in the air whether your father will be invited to the smaller do. If he is you still have your problem.

Are you on mumsnet because you are a mum? God forbid any of my children behaved so appallingly. Better cross your fingers that any future bride they have has better manners than you.

I've read every post on this thread. Shameful behaviour on your part through and through.

Think on this. Whilst you have been picking out the very rare post which seems to suggest you may have a point, you are overlooking or ignoring the vast, vast majority who feel you are being very unreasonable. On the balance of probability, your father will think the same. You think your father will respect your wishes anyway. He may well do so but that won't stop him thinking it.

I agree with those who say your attitude seems quite mental...

I think you, your gran and your mum need to grow up a bit. Life is not all about everything being perfect and so what if you feel a bit uncomfortable around this woman? She did not break up your parents marriage, she hasnt done anything bad to you but you are prepared to
Change your wedding and put a guilt trip on your dad
Because you don't like her? Poor woman- she probably sees a right bunch o cold and unfriendly lot
When she sees you all

If you all think your dad married her while he was still in love with your mum, and he only married her for companionship and not love - then you should be censuring you dad and not this woman - shanghai spoils the family fantasy that him and your mum are still together.

I feel absolutely sorry for the wife and I hope she never ever finds out how despicably low your families opinion (including your dad) is.

If you are serious in the things you have posted about your dad - then he sounds absolutely vile - and the rest

I think the bottom line OP is that it is very petty and pathetic to change your entire wedding plans over a woman who has done absolutely nothing wrong.

I hope this plays on your mind and your wedding is miserable tbh

So mean

And the rest of you aren't much better condoning and encouraging his behaviour towards her (sorry it keeps cutting of half my posts).

Please sighing I would honestly appreciate it if you would specifically point out where I am being spiteful.

I have no wish to go around being vicious toward people, I'm caught up in a tangle of relationships and trying so see a way through it that will cause the least upset. Is it as simple as just inviting her?

You should change your username to 'HalfAPostsighingagain'

Yes it is of course a lot more simple to invite one innocent person who has don't nothing wrong than excluding people you want there in order to be petty and diss this woman.

Answer my question about if your dad dies op