Dad's wife at wedding AIBU to ask for advice how to handle this

[ComeBackasaFlower]

N/C regular...

I'd prefer not to have my Dad's wife at my wedding.

My Dad remarried about 5 years ago after my parents divorced when I was an adult. I have a very good relationship with him, but his wife is pretty much a stranger to us. Their relationship strikes me more as that of convenient companionship as opposed to any great love match. When I have encountered of her, I've felt she is someone to whom I wouldn't ordinarily warm regardless of circumstances. We have never really had the opportunity or desire to build a relationship, which suits all parties fine for the most part, but when it comes to our (intimate, close friends & family) wedding, it poses a problem as I'm not sure I feel comfortable having a virtual stranger there. Particularly one whose presence is certain to make my Mum feel extremely uncomfortable and for whom my sister and Grandma have very little time (to put it mildly)

I'm also concerned that my Dad will be fulfilling a traditional role on the day, escorting me to the ceremony - giving me away, and helping host the reception, so his wife will be on her own for big swathes of time. The only people at the wedding she knows are my aforementioned sister and grandma, neither of whom will be falling over themselves to make her feel welcome. It's hardly likely to be an enjoyable occasion for her, but she's a bit emotionally neutral, so I think she would just get through it without feeling particularly bothered.

I know I need to have a frank conversation with my Dad since as it stands, I have no idea what his expectations are regarding her attendance. He could be completely in tune with my concerns and have assumed his wife would not attend anyway (although rather unlikely), or equally not have given any thought to any potential issue and be put out at the suggestion she doesn't come. It's very hard to gauge. I know I just have to tread very carefully to ensure this doesn't blow up into a massive, upsetting issue for everyone...

How am I going to handle this? AIBU to ask the advice of strangers on the internet?! Don't want to dripfeed but reluctant to drone on so feel free to ask me to expand on stuff.

Thanks for your response why dont you try to get to know her on a one to one basis and then from there make a decision on whether you want her to be there or not. If you do find her downright unpleasant then the decision not to invite her would be easier, or she may just surprise you and you may actually like the person married to your dad.

Bogey, I mean "all".. every single person.

I have been to close family weddings and even then the grooms family have not known all of the brides family.. some of them yes, most of them perhaps, but not every single one.

Bogey I disagree. The OP has no real reason to now want her there. Everything is very vague.
I genuinely think the family and OP don't want her there as she is a reminder of the less than perfect family.

Don't believe it, Squeaky but it's true. We had a huge party for DPs 30th. All but a handful of the wedding guest list came away for an entire weekend. There have been countless other celebrations. Most of our wedding guests are 30 something friends. Family comprise brothers, sisters and their kids and one set of aunt, uncle and cousins on my side. And my grandma. That is all.

Anyway, I've decided what I am going to do. I will tell my dad I cannot accept his kind offer of a contribution because we won't be having the big celebration we planned. And if he asks why, Ill tell him because it was too complicated with the situation between his wife and my family.

It's not an idle threat. I'll tell him that because that's what I'm doing. So thank you all for helping me to decide.

I would be surprised if your mother and other older relatives would countenance this. My mother was shocked that I would even invite my best friend to dinner with me without inviting her husband as well (perfectly normal in my eyes), let alone a family member's spouse, and at a wedding.

You must have been to wedddings - even if you WANT to talk to everyone there, there is barely time or opportunity.

So:

• it's very rude especially given that there is no big insult/barrier (affair for instance) that people would understand
• it's a blatant two finger salute to your stepmother in front of everyone you know and are close to
• weddings are a time to be generous and kind, in the spirit of the loving event it's supposed to be
• you'll barely have to see the woman, and nor will your family members
• it's doing a nasty thing where doing a nice thing would be easy (in fact, expected)

A friend had his dad, an alcoholic, near to the top table at his wedding. The father was heard to occasionally shout nasty things throughout the speeches. The fact that the son was willing to put up with this embarrassment and inconvenience and welcome his dad at his wedding really showed up my friend as the lovely man he is, and won him a lot of respect.

But how on earth does that solve anything? Are you saying that you aren't going to have any kind of ceremony whatsoeer? Or that you aren't going to invite your dad? Because no matter what size celebration you have, 20 people or 200 - the bottom line doesn't change - if it includes your dad, you can't justify not including his wife. So the only way you get to have your way is by not inviting your father.

Or by just coming out and saying "I know it's terrible, but I just don't want her there", and giving up the moral ground.

It may not be an idle threat (no - what after all would the threat part be? Not letting him give you money?).

But it sounds like you would rather have a small celebration that excludes people (including, presumably, some you actually like) rather than have to include a woman who you claim not to have any particular relationship with. It doesn't make any sense.

Honestly you are making this out to be such a big thing when it really isn't

At every wedding there are people who don't get on. Most of them manage to smile and put up with those they dislike because THAT IS WHAT NORMAL PEOPLE DO.

What´s the threat?

To be honest, if my father was treating another woman this way- I would not be at all impressed with his behaviour. And would tell him so.
And one minute you are complaining that she is talking to your SiL 'like they are old friends' then saying she doesn't make an attempt to get on with anyone ?

I REALLY hope your husband to be takes notice of this behaviour- and how the family treats 'outsiders'....

I don't understand what is complicated in this situation between your father's wife and the rest of your family. OK they don't like her. They don't have to like her. Some couples have the groom's parents hating the bride's parents, they still all get on for 1 day at a wedding. Why can't your family be civil and pleasant to this woman for 1 day?
It makes no sense at all.
Is this woman really so important to you that you will change your wedding ceremony just to avoid her being there?
I really don't get why she stirs up such strong emotions in your family.

OP this seems to have gone from 'a preference not to have her there' to guilt tripping your dad by telling him that you can't have the wedding you want because of his wife. A woman you've barely spoken to, and who hasn't done anything wrong!

You're starting to sound completely irrational. Seems to me you started off trying to blame your sister and granny, but it's you who feels so strongly about this that you've decided to not invite a load of other planned guests. Especially ridiculous when you've emphasised all along how close you are to everyone who would have been invited, with the obvious exception of your poor and much maligned stepmother.

And again why would your mother be so upset at her presence?? You say she tries to get rid of your father, avoids his calls etc.. yet she would have a much better day if he was there on his own available to spend the day with her alone

Like others have said, it's one day, you're not all moving into a commune together!
I had people I hadn't met before at my wedding due to 'plus ones,' far fewer than 80 guests too. Did it matter? No, because the people I really wanted there were there.
It doesn't need to be a problem. She might feign illness on the day anyway if she picks up on the malice she seems to inspire.
Weddings are often quite dull and an endurance for guests, let's be honest, they are not that exciting for those outside of the inner circle. Some guests will be happy to entertain your stepmother to feel useful.

If you are effectively planning to cancel your planned wedding rather than invite your dads wife there is either more to this than meets the eye or you are a huge drama queen.

OP you must really hate your father to put him such an awkward position,

I can understand having to deal with a difficult step parent, it's really hard, but to exclude your father wife for such an occasion is going to cause upset in their household for a very long time,

"Hello darling, guess what?, my daughter doesn't want you to come to her wedding, you are not welcome at the major family event,

Yes it was the dog poo incident,you shouldn't of said anything, that and mother doesn't like you, and when you brought up the differences in christian christening, they all hated you, sorry but I'll have to go on my own, I suppose I have to, having screwed up the marriage between the girl's mother and me, I can't make a stand, they might start blanking me also."

When you have guests, that makes you a Host, a Host's job is to make guests feel as comfortable as possible,

by not inviting your father's wife, you are putting him in a very difficult position, making him very uncomfortable, not just on the day, but long into the future, if your father thinks you are intelligent, then he will know that you will be aware of the consequences of this action, and did it anyway,

Invite your step mother, make her feel comfortable, if none of your 80 guests are capable of making polite conversation, invite a few that are,

You have quite a few months before your wedding, why not arrange a weekend away with your step mother, doing something that interests her, you might get to know her, away from family pressure, your father obviously saw something in her.

Blimey op.

You are being completely contrary.

All wedding have some strange dynamic. Do you know and like every single plus one? And all 80-100 guests get on like a house on fire? Pretty unusual if that's the case. But your guests are adults and while your family seem to be behaving rather childishly surely they can put differences aside on one wedding day?

If you take a step back and look at it, surely you can see that it is impossibly rude to specifically bar one plus one, particularly as this is the woman married to your father.

And that won't solve the family dynamic or the situation - unless you uninvited your dad to the new smaller wedding.

"We had a huge party for DPs 30th."

Did you invite your Dad and his wife to that?

"I will tell my dad I cannot accept his kind offer of a contribution because we won't be having the big celebration we planned. And if he asks why, Ill tell him because it was too complicated with the situation between his wife and my family"

and that ^ is utterly twattish behaviour.. the situation is being created and engineered by you, and the female members of your family, not your stepmother or your dad.

How does your husband-to-be feel about it all?

So what you are doing now is trying to manipulate your dad. Conversation like this
Dad - 'here have x amount towards your wedding'
OP-'thanks but no thanks. Even though we over 100 people that we are close and desperately wanted to share out day, we are having a small intimate wedding instead.
Dad- 'really, why.
OP - 'because I didn't want to invite your wife and instead of sucking it up I decided to cancel the wedding. She hasn't done anything particularly wrong. But she is just not my kind of person. So rather than spend the day with these 100 people who are so important to me and just be civil to your wife I am changing it all.'
Is that how it will go?

Either there is much more to this than meets the eye or you are one SERIOUS drama llama. Nothing you have posted so far changes the fact that it would be unspeakably rude not to invite our father's wife.

I'm not suggesting it would be cruel not to invite her. Perhaps you missed my first post explaining that the wedding is unlikely to be the end of it. Do you really think it's worth potentially falling out with your dad over? Is his wife really going to be that much bother? I'm a great believer in only inviting the people you want there, but can you really not find a way to do this without having to put your dad in a really difficult position?

From your description, is doesn't sound as though your SM will be the type to wreck your wedding through drunkenness or violence. She probably chatted to your SIL at the Christening because she was the only one not being actively hostile to her. If she was likely to start a fight over the buffet , get bladdered, or terrify small children then yes, don't invite her. But it sounds like she's committed the sin of living a long way away and not knowing you very well, as well as making some ill-judged comments.

And I'm sorry, but telling your dad that you're scrapping the big celebration because of his wife smacks of petulance. Nothing like cutting your nose off to spite your face, is there?

What will happen when your Dad's mum dies, and he wants his current wife and not his ex wife for support at the funeral?

Will you and your siblings not attend if the wife is there?

What if your father has an accident and is unable to visit you and his wife becomes his carer?

Will you expect to be made welcome in your stepmother's house? Will you be happy for her, as next of kin, to make the sole decisions regarding your father's care, money etc.

What if your/your siblings children want to forge a relationship with their grandfather and step grandmother?

These are the kind of questions I would be asking myself before I excluded my father's wife from my wedding.

your father's wife.

I think you (and everyone else) need to don a more grown up attitude and accept her presence at the wedding as part of your father life. Yes you should invite her, she is your fathers wife and hasn't done anything really bad or nasty to deserve being excluded. Anything else would be immature and childish.

The plan should be to sit them at opposite ends of the room to create distance from your own mother. Sit her next to a few people that she will get on with nicely.

If that is the conversation and I was your dad I would say 'fair enough, have your small wedding.' and I would seriously consider not going.
You say you have decided but you are hoping your dad will say 'don't be silly have your wedding your way and dw won't come'
To me this sounds like the film 'parent trap' any excuse to get the respective new partner out of the way so you can play happy families.