Dad's wife at wedding AIBU to ask for advice how to handle this

[ComeBackasaFlower]

N/C regular...

I'd prefer not to have my Dad's wife at my wedding.

My Dad remarried about 5 years ago after my parents divorced when I was an adult. I have a very good relationship with him, but his wife is pretty much a stranger to us. Their relationship strikes me more as that of convenient companionship as opposed to any great love match. When I have encountered of her, I've felt she is someone to whom I wouldn't ordinarily warm regardless of circumstances. We have never really had the opportunity or desire to build a relationship, which suits all parties fine for the most part, but when it comes to our (intimate, close friends & family) wedding, it poses a problem as I'm not sure I feel comfortable having a virtual stranger there. Particularly one whose presence is certain to make my Mum feel extremely uncomfortable and for whom my sister and Grandma have very little time (to put it mildly)

I'm also concerned that my Dad will be fulfilling a traditional role on the day, escorting me to the ceremony - giving me away, and helping host the reception, so his wife will be on her own for big swathes of time. The only people at the wedding she knows are my aforementioned sister and grandma, neither of whom will be falling over themselves to make her feel welcome. It's hardly likely to be an enjoyable occasion for her, but she's a bit emotionally neutral, so I think she would just get through it without feeling particularly bothered.

I know I need to have a frank conversation with my Dad since as it stands, I have no idea what his expectations are regarding her attendance. He could be completely in tune with my concerns and have assumed his wife would not attend anyway (although rather unlikely), or equally not have given any thought to any potential issue and be put out at the suggestion she doesn't come. It's very hard to gauge. I know I just have to tread very carefully to ensure this doesn't blow up into a massive, upsetting issue for everyone...

How am I going to handle this? AIBU to ask the advice of strangers on the internet?! Don't want to dripfeed but reluctant to drone on so feel free to ask me to expand on stuff.

In simple terms, we (Me, Mum, Sister Grandma) just feel awkward and uncomfortable at the idea of having someone at the wedding who we don't know and like very much and I accept that that might seem rude.

No OP it doesn't seem rude, it is rude. Honestly, just do what you want but, stop trying to justify it as the 'right' thing to do, it isn't, you know that, that's why you're getting your knickers in a twist trying to justify yourself and and hanging on to every word of anyone who might agree with you.

"While I acknowledge that there is some sort of emotional situation going" clearly the op does recognise there is an issue - she has posted more than enough about her dads behaviour for me to recognise a bastard when I read about one.

in order to have a relationship with my dad, we had to build a bond with her. But we have successfully built a good relationship with our dad without having to do this.

It's not like we've ever been given the impression she was keen that we all be a part of each other's lives and why should she? we're grown-up offspring, we live a long way away and it's never really been an issue (between myself and my Dad's wife) in fact, the very first Christmas, my dad said "DW said there is no need for you to buy her a gift, your gifts will be from me, she thought it would be easier that way" And we were like, ok cool. At that point we hadn't even met her. I didn't think that was rude of her, just a way of handling a grown-up situation.

Your father's wife is your stepmother, in the same way that your uncle's wife is your aunt. You can't just pretend she isn't. The word stepmother is just a description of the situation, it says nothing about how close you are.
I really don't see why this woman brings out nastiness and anxiety in your family.
She doesn't wipe her feet properly and is a bit rude and socially inept, that's all.

twofurryones is exactly right. You can't justify what you're planning. If you don't care about doingthe decent thing, because you just want to please yourself as it is Your Big Day - then really, just say so and go ahead and do it. People do. Don't try to justify it, in that case.

I never said it was the Right thing to do - where did I say that, two I acknowledge it's a difficult, messy, unpleasant situation

hanging on to every word of anyone who might agree with you. That's not really fair is it? I have acknowledged Jamie's input and she certainly doesn't agree with me, as well as several others.

I'm AIBU veteran enough to know that it doesn't pay to put your fingers in your ears. I actually want to hear this stuff and learn others opinions.

I'm not trying to justify it either brd. I just don't think it's as cut and dried as "well it's just rude if you don't invite her - end of"

Another one here who feels really sorry for the poor stepmother. There's alot of bitching going on in your family, and whilst I can understand that you need a good moan when you don't like someone, to actually consider excluding her from a major family event is despicable.

I also think you're in complete denial about your father's relationship, both with his wife and with your mother. Look at the facts, he MARRIED this woman, she is his WIFE. You admit that you never see them together and know nothing of their married life, yet you've decided that he doesn't really love her. You've tried to justify this by saying that your father is giving this impression, but I doubt very much that he has ever said anything that would confirm that he doesn't love his wife. I think it's your impression because it's what you want to believe.

You're also at great pains to defend your mother and explain that she has no residual feelings for your father, in fact that she has to try to avoid his calls, get rid of him etc. However you then say that she is so anxious at being in the same room as his new wife that it will make her ill!! A woman she has barely even spoken to??? If your mother is the one who wouldn't have your father back and has to avoid his calls, would she not be happier if his new wife was at your wedding to keep him out of her way?

"in fact, the very first Christmas, my dad said "DW said there is no need for you to buy her a gift, your gifts will be from me,"

You write that as if it´s unusual.

My husband & I have neer bought seperate presents for children-let alone adults!

Are there any other married couple where you are seriously considering inviting only one half?

I've got to go out. but A genuine thank you to EVERYONE who has replied. Each and every response has been helpful. All be it some rather frustrating/hard to hear. I'd be genuinely interested to hear anyone else's take on the matter. All godknowshowmanypages of the matter (I don't know, I have continuous thread set - cba with pages)

Me again-I just can't help getting drawn back in. How would you feel if Mum, Sis or Gran met new partner who you "didn't know very well"?
Would you invite them?

You don't want to invite her. Then don't. Let the chips fall where they may.

Simple as that.

Sorry but I have to agree with some of the posters who have suggested she is being snubbed so you can portray the perfect family set up with your mam and dad.
Try to think how you would feel if you were in this womans place in the future, it can happen. I know I would be utterly gutted.

How would you feel if Mum, Sis or Gran met new partner who you "didn't know very well"? Would you invite them?

Good point. I probably would. In fact my cousin is single and while she says she's not bothered about having a plus 1, I said if she's seeing someone by then he would be welcome. But then it's fairly likely that we would have met him a couple of times if he's in her life. If he's rude to my Mum or upsets my Grandma though, I'd rather he didn't attend.

Ok so the father has an emotional attachment to the mother that isnt appropriate.

I ask again WTF has that got to do with the OP? She isnt guardian of her parents morals, they have to answer to themselves and their spouses, not her.

Who cares if he is a bastard? What business is it of anyones except his wife? It certainly has no bearing on what the OP should or shouldnt do in this situation.

Yes, strictly speaking she should be invited as per ettiquette. But if the wife (NOT stepmother imo, that implies a relationship) doesnt want to be involved, the father doesnt care and it will make OP, sis mum and gma happy then I simply dont see the problem.

I will not be invited to any events held by my husbands family, ettitquette or no, and I dont care. THey dont like me, I dont like them and the only reason i would kick up a fuss is to make a point and I see no point in that.

Sorry but I have to agree with some of the posters who have suggested she is being snubbed so you can portray the perfect family set up with your mam and dad.

That simply isn't true. I'd rather she wasn't there because I don't know her very well, and what I do know of her, I'm not particularly keen on. And those members of my family who have encountered her, do not like her at all. I'm 34. I'm not living in a fantasy world where Mummy and Daddy get back together, please be assured.

My DH's father has been married three times. I have met his current wife once. My DH was in his thirties by the time his father married this woman, and living some distance away.

Third Wife was close to my own DH's first wife (deceased) and did not hide her belief that DH should not remarry, to anyone.

DH's mother was the first wife of FIL. She is deceased, but would of course have been asked to our wedding. FIL's Second Wife came to our wedding. Let's just say that she would have every reason, as would her children, to wish to avoid Third Wife.

Did we consider, ever, not inviting Third Wife to the wedding? Not for a second. It is his father's wife. (And just to be clear, there is no way anyone else in the family would have expected or asked us not to invite her!)

She 'had a prior engagement' and could not make it, as it happens. :)

I should add that I am not a stepmother, but my husband has a son. There is a MASSIVE difference between fathers wife and stepmother.

And before you ask, his son attacked him, threatened to kill me and my children and we have had the police involved. I am not an evil queen a la Snow White!

Because bogey, I think she is buying into the 'happy family' bit and encouraging it.
She is trying to find a way to not invite the wife so her mum and dad can pretend for the day. Which imo is awful for the wife.

Do you have any trustworthy single men (uncles, whatever) who could be sat near her so that when your Dad is busy at the centre of family bits, SHE has somebody to talk to and is not left feeling pretty seriously left out.

Be thankful.
My parents could not be trusted to be on the same continent so I had two half weddings. AND had to write to various members of my family reminding them that I would march them off the premises if they kicked off.

I find it quite unbelievable that all of your family are such good friends with all of his family actually.. or that all of your friends are good mates with both families.. very unbelievable.

Dprince the op has said that isnt the case and i am happy to take her word for it.

I have read every single post and actually cannot believe OP still considers herself to be even vaguely reasonable.

Why Squeaky? My dad plays in a team with my ex husband and ex FIL once a week, and my H sometimes goes along for something to do!

Blimey, even I wouldn't do this because I know that no matter what the justification, it's downright rude.