Dad's wife at wedding AIBU to ask for advice how to handle this

[ComeBackasaFlower]

N/C regular...

I'd prefer not to have my Dad's wife at my wedding.

My Dad remarried about 5 years ago after my parents divorced when I was an adult. I have a very good relationship with him, but his wife is pretty much a stranger to us. Their relationship strikes me more as that of convenient companionship as opposed to any great love match. When I have encountered of her, I've felt she is someone to whom I wouldn't ordinarily warm regardless of circumstances. We have never really had the opportunity or desire to build a relationship, which suits all parties fine for the most part, but when it comes to our (intimate, close friends & family) wedding, it poses a problem as I'm not sure I feel comfortable having a virtual stranger there. Particularly one whose presence is certain to make my Mum feel extremely uncomfortable and for whom my sister and Grandma have very little time (to put it mildly)

I'm also concerned that my Dad will be fulfilling a traditional role on the day, escorting me to the ceremony - giving me away, and helping host the reception, so his wife will be on her own for big swathes of time. The only people at the wedding she knows are my aforementioned sister and grandma, neither of whom will be falling over themselves to make her feel welcome. It's hardly likely to be an enjoyable occasion for her, but she's a bit emotionally neutral, so I think she would just get through it without feeling particularly bothered.

I know I need to have a frank conversation with my Dad since as it stands, I have no idea what his expectations are regarding her attendance. He could be completely in tune with my concerns and have assumed his wife would not attend anyway (although rather unlikely), or equally not have given any thought to any potential issue and be put out at the suggestion she doesn't come. It's very hard to gauge. I know I just have to tread very carefully to ensure this doesn't blow up into a massive, upsetting issue for everyone...

How am I going to handle this? AIBU to ask the advice of strangers on the internet?! Don't want to dripfeed but reluctant to drone on so feel free to ask me to expand on stuff.

She does exist - are you not a little concerned for your mum in this - he is leaving his wife at home to keep you all happy - this little triangle is very unhealthy.

But Sighing it sounds like she has never bothered to get involved with his family herself, its hardly fair to blame the OP for choices her dad and his wife made. If she has never forged any sort of relationship with the OP then she can hardly expect the full on "step mother" treatment at the wedding.

I dont think that she is a step mother, she is the OPs fathers wife, thats different.

You really would be being very rude to invite anyone and not invite their partner
Then why have there been threads on here where an OP has been told its fine to invite someone but not their partner if a)they have never met the partner and b) they cant afford to invite both?

I have read several threads where that has either been OK'd by mners or suggesting by some as a way of cutting costs!

Would you in this situation - she probably stayed away out of respect - or more likely - the dad has simply excluded her and not included her in visits - he is making calls to his ex wife while his new wife is out. Approve of this do you?

Sounds like the ops relationship with her dads was tenuous for a long time. She may well have responsibilities where they live.

That doesn't mean they should snub her while they all indulge in their new wife doesn't exist fantasy.

It doesn't even matter if she has been "involved with the family" or not (and seriously - this is a real 'damned if you do, damned if you don't position!) - she is the partner of a family member . You can't exclude your BIL, your SIL...even if you invite your married boss, the polite thing is to invite the spouse!

And what difference does it make if she is "stepmother" or "dad's wife"? This isn't even a matter of what table she sits at...the OP is talking about flat out not inviting her father's spouse. It's really bad.

So you actually want advice on how to exclude your step-mother without appearing mean spirited, cruel and downright rude in the eyes of everyone else you have invited? There is no way you can do this and come out looking like a nice person.
I think you should do the right thing and invite her and stop enabling your father's twattish behavior towards the woman he chose to marry.

Then why have there been threads on here where an OP has been told its fine to invite someone but not their partner if a)they have never met the partner and b) they cant afford to invite both?
I can't say why, but I would tell them that was rude! So would just about any etiquette book...

Haven't read the whole thread but from what I have YANBU. If it was me I would want my mum to feel completely comfortable and enjoy the day and I wouldn't want to put it onto any of my thee family members or friends to spend their day trying to entertain her. If you feel you have a good open relationship with your dad then try and talk to him about it and get his views, he might have a better day without her if he gets on well with everyone else there

Congratulations BTW

you don't really appear willing to look for any solution that doesn't involve excluding her. That's not true. I said I was planning to take on board ILikeToChat's idea about putting it to my Mum that its an opportunity to show how happy and proud she is. I wouldn't still be posting if I wasn't digesting and considering every suggestion. I'd have sent an invitation "To Dad" by now.

I'm not enamoured with the idea of inviting her to have a plus 1 as I've said times, there's no plus ones at my wedding as there's no call for it, We'd rather not have any strangers there. I don't think my Dad's wife would be particularly uncomfortable without a plus 1.

At my Nephew's christening she was perfectly relaxed and confident, chatting away to my SiL like they were old friends. My SiL was a bit just because she'd barely met her, not because she had any feelings positive or negative toward her. (As I said, it was right at the start when we were all trying to be welcoming)

I cant pass comment on what the father is doing as we dont know why he calls the mum, whether his wife knows and what is in it for the mum.

I am saying that it is nothing to do with the OP as to why her father behaves the way he does and makes the choices he makes. She has to decide whether to invite a woman to her wedding who she doesnt have any kind of relationship with, doesnt like, wont know anyone and will make the day awkward for several people. I am coming down on the side of Dont Invite.

As I said, having had a similar situation before my own wedding, I wish I had just drawn a line under it instead of trying to keep people happy who would have been a pita no matter what I did.

Your mother is obviously very close to her EX MIL, so I guess that probably doesnt make his wife feel too comfortable either..

I am not saying that she shouldnt be friends with her, but I do imagine that it leaves no place for your dads new wife to fit in at all.

For all you say that you are taking people's opinions on board, you don't really appear willing to look for any solution that doesn't involve excluding her.

That's it in a nutshell.

If the OP will just admit she's being a total Bridezilla about the whole thing I'll be able to leave the thread alone. I've read the whole thing and haven't come across one good reason not to invite the women other than the Bride doesn't want to. Which only isn't reason enough, because she doesn't want to admit to herself that she'd be doing a not nice thing, and that would be a bit of a dent to her self image as she likes to think of herself as a good person.

I have never advised someone its ok not invite a partner.
I think the OP and family don't want her there so they can pretend to be a family. The dad probably won't mind as he can carry on his EA with the mother without his wife there.
I think she will be hurt not to be invited but after reading this I think she would be better sending him on his own and changing the locks while he is gone.

Surely if you invited her and did your level best to make her feel happy and included that could only be a good thing?

You may not see much of her now but things could change-you could move/they could move/you could have DC's/your Dad could have health problems.

This wedding could be the start of better relationships all round.

The dad probably won't mind as he can carry on his EA with the mother without his wife there.

Talk about assumptions! When did the OP say it was an EA? Perhaps, just perhaps, he gets on with her and likes talking to her? I have long chats sometimes with my ex, no EA there I assure you!

I am gobsmacked at the accusations being thrown at the father here! You dont know why he is doing what he is doing, so dont make assumptions!

bogey the op said somewhere in this mammoth thread that the dad is ringing her mum when his wife is out. so we do know that.

So she is relaxed and confident with people she has only just met, would be fine without a plus one, your mum (according to you) has moved on from your dad, er...what's the problem then? The people who aren't keen on her can sit elsewhere and just have to remain civil when they encounter her. How do you really consider this a dilemma?

You know he rings when his wife is out, you dont know that she doesnt know he is doing it. Assumptions again.

He is a man therefore he is a cunt.

See my post we
Cross posted bogey the op has also made it clear in numerous posts that the dad is belittling his relationship with his wife tO the op and her maternal family.

Yes she is NOT my step mother. She is my Dad's Wife I have met her all but 4 times. She has made no effort to have a relationship with us, as we have not with her and that SUITS US ALL FINE (as I said in my OP) In fact , I wouldn't recognise her if I passed her in the street.

So you actually want advice on how to exclude your step-mother without appearing mean spirited, cruel and downright rude in the eyes of everyone else you have invited?
No this is not the question at all. I am not concerned that this will seem rude to the other guests. Most of them don't know her from Adam and don't care. The rest of them don't like her very much and would prefer her not to be there.

I also think too much has been made of some seedly little semi-affair my Dad is having with my Mum. While I acknowledge that there is some sort of emotional situation going on, the long and short of that is, like I said he is simple, he likes chatting to her and likes her company, and she tries to discourage it. That's all really.

In simple terms, we (Me, Mum, Sister Grandma) just feel awkward and uncomfortable at the idea of having someone at the wedding who we don't know and like very much and I accept that that might seem rude.

It's nothing to do with him being a man - and everything to do with the things the OP has posted about via behaviour towards his wife

And I will say again, what has that got to do with the OP? She isnt his marriage counsellor, she is planning her wedding and doesnt want someone she hardly knows to be there.

Whether the father has behaved honourably or not has nothing to do with it and is not the OPs responsibility to put right.

And nowhere can I see that the OP has catagorically stated that her mum and dad are having an affair, emotional or otherwise, or that his wife doesnt know about the contact. You are making assumptions to fit your judgment of the father without actually knowing the facts.

My dad and step mum had an affair, then got married about five years ago. We had a bad relationship with him for a couple of years then decided that in order to have a relationship with my dad, we had to build a bond with her. There was absolutely no question about not inviting her to our wedding six years ago - I hardly saw her, and they had a great time. It really didn't impact on my day, or my mum's.
Dad and my step mum died suddenly earlier this year within six weeks of each other. Imagine if we had just cut them out of our lives, how much I would have regretted that.
OP, sounds to me as if you have already made up your mind. I urge you to invite her. I don't see why your mum would be upset. Life is too short and you will end up regretting it.

I did admit that there could be an emotional relationship going on from his PoV but that if there is, my Mum actively discourages it. I did say that he calls my mum when his wife is out, what that proves/disproves is not strictly related to my OP.

Just to clarify, they were together for about five years before deciding to get married about a year after my wedding.