Dad's wife at wedding AIBU to ask for advice how to handle this

[ComeBackasaFlower]

N/C regular...

I'd prefer not to have my Dad's wife at my wedding.

My Dad remarried about 5 years ago after my parents divorced when I was an adult. I have a very good relationship with him, but his wife is pretty much a stranger to us. Their relationship strikes me more as that of convenient companionship as opposed to any great love match. When I have encountered of her, I've felt she is someone to whom I wouldn't ordinarily warm regardless of circumstances. We have never really had the opportunity or desire to build a relationship, which suits all parties fine for the most part, but when it comes to our (intimate, close friends & family) wedding, it poses a problem as I'm not sure I feel comfortable having a virtual stranger there. Particularly one whose presence is certain to make my Mum feel extremely uncomfortable and for whom my sister and Grandma have very little time (to put it mildly)

I'm also concerned that my Dad will be fulfilling a traditional role on the day, escorting me to the ceremony - giving me away, and helping host the reception, so his wife will be on her own for big swathes of time. The only people at the wedding she knows are my aforementioned sister and grandma, neither of whom will be falling over themselves to make her feel welcome. It's hardly likely to be an enjoyable occasion for her, but she's a bit emotionally neutral, so I think she would just get through it without feeling particularly bothered.

I know I need to have a frank conversation with my Dad since as it stands, I have no idea what his expectations are regarding her attendance. He could be completely in tune with my concerns and have assumed his wife would not attend anyway (although rather unlikely), or equally not have given any thought to any potential issue and be put out at the suggestion she doesn't come. It's very hard to gauge. I know I just have to tread very carefully to ensure this doesn't blow up into a massive, upsetting issue for everyone...

How am I going to handle this? AIBU to ask the advice of strangers on the internet?! Don't want to dripfeed but reluctant to drone on so feel free to ask me to expand on stuff.

I think you still need to invite her- even if in your discussions with your dad, he comes to the conclusion that it would be better if he came alone.

Did you attend your father's marriage to your step mother, OP?

I've just spoken to my sister as I really couldn't remember the ins and outs of this. Apparently we were told a few days before the weekday wedding several hundred miles away from where we live that they were getting married, and we could go if we wanted. My sister perceives this as a bit of a snub, as they knew full well we wouldn't be able to get leave at such short notice. I said perhaps they were trying to make it easy for us to decline attending as they suspected we wouldn't want to.

My last post sounds snippy and I don't mean it to. I just meant that I think your Mum would probably be better able to handle her emotions if your Dad didn't keep chatting to her while at the same time being in a relationship with someone that she is so uncomfortable around.

No chance, Inertia why would I do that? Just because it's cruel not to? I am not a cruel person, I'm really not. If my Dad was ok with it, why would I risk upsetting people I care about so as not to be 'cruel' to a virtual stranger?

No that's OK Outraged - that's kind of how I read it. Your most recent post hits the nail on the head.

There will be little hassle and fallout from this in the short term, as long as your dad's OK with this, so I can see why it will be the best option for you. Trying not to say this in a passive-aggressive tone.

The wider question of why it might be OK with your dad, and precisely what he is up to are a bit more tricky.

Jamie (and others) I just wanted to say as well, even though we kind of disagree, thank you for sticking with this and reading and understanding. I'm all up for people having a different viewpoint to me, it's when people just jump in shouting AIBU without fully following the gist of the situation that is annoying and unhelpful.

cross post - I posted that before your recent post!

She is not a virtual stranger she is your Dad's wife, whether you like it or not. Do you honestly not see how not inviting her is a very horrible thing to do? Are you honestly so wrapped up in your own idea of a perfect day that you can't even extend the hand of friendship to your Dad's wife, because you find her a bit cold and your sister and Gran don't like her, and she was once a bit rude to your Mum, in what was probably quite a socially awkward situation for her as well as your Mum. Are you really so self absorbed that you can only imagine that people you know well will have feelings about your actions?

Honestly OP you may think you're a nice and lovely person but you are starting to come across like a total bitch. I could understand if she had actually done something of substance wrong but you are basically just making excuses to behave shoddily.

Has your response changed ?

Well I think that as the OP is paying, the woman hasnt had any involvement in the OPs life and she doesnt like her, she shouldnt be invited.

Unpopular opinion I know, but I bent over backwards to include people in my wedding who made a fuss and then didnt turn up anyway. i wish i had just stuck my original feelings of not inviting them. Wouldnt have changed the outcome and would have made life alot simpler.

The wider question of why it might be OK with your dad, and precisely what he is up to are a bit more tricky

Well quite. For an educated and intelligent man, he can be a bit of a simpleton. He likes having a wife. It's nice to have someone to do things with and keep him company. And my Mum won't fulfil that role so someone else has to. But then my Mum - she's nice - he enjoys her company, it's nice to have a chat and spend time with her, even though she does discourage it (honestly she does.) So he does. Without really thinking through the implications.

OP before you accuse me of not understanding fully, I would like to say I have read every post and every excuse and still think you're in the wrong. That was in response to the scenario where you find out she won't come and you still won't invite her because that would be the polite thing to do.

It's cruel because she is your dads wife - her place is with your dad not "hundreds of miles away".

I don't really believe you can't understand that - I think you know it already - it's even worse if your dad accepts it.

No it doesn't change Jamie - you've been fair and reasonable throughout :)

Bogey I love you a bit. Then I always have ;)

She is not a virtual stranger she is your Dad's wife

She can be both you know. I have a relative by marriage who is a complete stranger, I have never met him and I wouldnt know him if he smacked me in the mouth.

Just because someone is married to someone you are related to doesnt automatically mean that you owe them anything and in the case of the OP, I would say that there is no relationship here. Why is her not inviting someone who has never made any effort with the OP "cruel"? If her step daughters wedding was so important to her then surely she would have made sure she actually had a relationship with the step daughter?

Ok two, I accept that. (You mean find out my Dad's ok with it but still not invite her - not being snippy, just double checking we're on the same lines)

If she is having conversations with him behind his wides back - she isn't discouraging him - she is indulging him - it's not hard to discourage him - just don't ans phone - be out when he calls.

Let's be honest - his affair was a rejection of her and it's nice for her to feel like she has the upperhand now.

Someone came up with a good idea earlier about allowing step mother to bring a guest which would solve the problem of her not knowing anyone else and I don't think OP responded to it.

I'm 2 weeks away from my wedding and I can tell you that even amongst your close friends there will be changes to your numbers. We've had someone pull out (and their children) due to a marriage separation, ill health and a back operation all meaning changes to our table plan. There will be space for this woman and if your friends are so wonderful they will make conversation with her during the meal and make her feel welcome.

The reason you can't adequately explain why your mum will be so anxious is because she is either not over your dad despite what she may say or she knows full well that she is still having some sort of relationship with him behind this woman's back.

You have to look to the future, unless she is a saint, she is only going to feel more awkward and distant from you if you don't invite her and that will only give your family more ammunition to use against her. But maybe that is what you want?

For all you say that you are taking people's opinions on board, you don't really appear willing to look for any solution that doesn't involve excluding her.

:o comeback

her place is with your dad not "hundreds of miles away"

Her place with my Dad IS hundreds of miles away though, that's my point. Both literally and metaphorically. When he is here, she is not. It is like she doesn't exist.

Just because someone is married to someone you are related to doesnt automatically mean that you owe them anything and in the case of the OP, I would say that there is no relationship here.
Exactly. And how often on here do we sympathise with posters with difficult relationships with blood relatives and say "well just because you're blood related, doesn't mean you have to get along"

Agree with sighing again.

It's cruel because she is being excluded because her husband is still involved with his ex wife and they all want to pretend the new wife simply doesn't exist.

You really would be being very rude to invite anyone and not invite their partner. The fact that it is your father's long-term partner would actually make it even more appalling.

Certainly, sometimes people make the decision to do the rude or unkind thing, because it seems to be the lesser of two evils. Inviting a relative who abused a member of the family, or inviting 'the other woman' who was party to the break-up of one's family - these are cases where a person might reasonably decide that even though it cannot be justified in terms of etiquette, they still feel strongly enough to exclude the person.

I think you'd be making a mistake to do that, given what you have posted here. You just don't really like the woman. And while it is good to consider your mother's feelings, they really can't be managed by simply excluding this woman, who may be a bit unlikable and may bring up negative feelings for your mother - but really, from everything you say, her offenses are pretty minor.

I had worse at my own wedding...but once you choose to have other people involved in the wedding, you will have to accept some compromises, I think. Don't let this spoil your day or further complicate things with your dad.

I think it's not healthy for you to collude with your dad either.