Dad's wife at wedding AIBU to ask for advice how to handle this

[ComeBackasaFlower]

N/C regular...

I'd prefer not to have my Dad's wife at my wedding.

My Dad remarried about 5 years ago after my parents divorced when I was an adult. I have a very good relationship with him, but his wife is pretty much a stranger to us. Their relationship strikes me more as that of convenient companionship as opposed to any great love match. When I have encountered of her, I've felt she is someone to whom I wouldn't ordinarily warm regardless of circumstances. We have never really had the opportunity or desire to build a relationship, which suits all parties fine for the most part, but when it comes to our (intimate, close friends & family) wedding, it poses a problem as I'm not sure I feel comfortable having a virtual stranger there. Particularly one whose presence is certain to make my Mum feel extremely uncomfortable and for whom my sister and Grandma have very little time (to put it mildly)

I'm also concerned that my Dad will be fulfilling a traditional role on the day, escorting me to the ceremony - giving me away, and helping host the reception, so his wife will be on her own for big swathes of time. The only people at the wedding she knows are my aforementioned sister and grandma, neither of whom will be falling over themselves to make her feel welcome. It's hardly likely to be an enjoyable occasion for her, but she's a bit emotionally neutral, so I think she would just get through it without feeling particularly bothered.

I know I need to have a frank conversation with my Dad since as it stands, I have no idea what his expectations are regarding her attendance. He could be completely in tune with my concerns and have assumed his wife would not attend anyway (although rather unlikely), or equally not have given any thought to any potential issue and be put out at the suggestion she doesn't come. It's very hard to gauge. I know I just have to tread very carefully to ensure this doesn't blow up into a massive, upsetting issue for everyone...

How am I going to handle this? AIBU to ask the advice of strangers on the internet?! Don't want to dripfeed but reluctant to drone on so feel free to ask me to expand on stuff.

I am the only person here who doesn't adore all their extended family?

It seems to me the op is actually thinking of her mother more than herself or anyone else. However, her dad's wife needs to be invited in my opinion so as not to create any further upsetting rifts and awkwardness.
If I were your mum op, I'd actually want his new wife there seeing me happy and proud. I wouldn't want her to think I was in any way bothered by her presence.

Twofurryones - good post.

liketochat1

"If I were your mum op, I'd actually want his new wife there seeing me happy and proud. I wouldn't want her to think I was in any way bothered by her presence."

That's a good point. op could you suggest this to your Mum as a way of dealing with it?

Your dad is sounding increasingly horrible here. He married a woman with strong religious convictions just so she would have sex with him but enjoys socialising without her and meets up with his exwife and phones her regularly. He openly tells people he only married his wife for the sex.
Why on earth does your mother want to have anything to do with him? He sounds creepy and I would have thought she was well rid of him.

It's not a stuffy formal sit-down meal. The idea is that it is a relaxed, informal gathering. I don't want it to be a free-for-all though. As booster seats, high chairs and other child-related paraphernalia will all be needed, it's easier to have a table plan. I prefer to have a table plan too. It may be hard to believe, but every single person there is a very close family friend or relation whom we see frequently and have a great relationship with. I never said they were perfect additions to our lives, but we've been together ages and there's been countless social occasions over the years where everyone has bonded. Its close knit, I don't think that's a bad thing.

I do get the emotional relationship thing, I'm not denying it but please be assured my Mum does NOT encourage this. She certainly does not pander to him. She only knows he is visiting this week as my Grandma mentioned to her that he'd mentioned he'd drop in on her after visiting his Mum. She often doesn't take his calls and the other day he range me to see if Mum was alright as she was trying to get rid of him off the phone and he'd not finished what he was saying.

That IS a very good point, like to chat

I'm adding that to the blurry mess I'm compiling of How To Deal With This.

I think you should invite her (but you can hope she declines).

You could wait till your Dad visits, tell him about your wedding plans - and ask how your SM would find it, given that she doesn't really know any of you. From what you say, he tends to speak honestly (=sometimes insensitively), so you'll get a lot from his reaction.

I think you and your DF should go and stay with your Dad and SM. You mention him coming to visit, but only your granmother going to see them. (If their home is very small, stay locally in a B&B.) That will give you a chance to get to know her better. You may find you quite like her. Things may blow up, giving you a genuine reason not to invite her.

Do look at non-traditional seating plans. A round table rather than a long top table would probably suit your Grandma better, especially if she needs help eating. (You only say top table, I just assumed a long one.)

Why not put your Dad and SM at a table , Mum with her family somewhere else, DF's parents somewhere else again. Ask Grandma if she'd rather sit with Mum or Dad (and SM). Split up groups of friends. They'll have been speaking to each other for the rest of the day, and it's nice to chat to some new people too.

You could sit with siblings / best friends / bridesmaid / BM and ushers... You'll spend most of the meal wandering around seeing people anyway.

I have read the OP but not the thread (11 pages ffs).

As soon as the thought crossed your mind of not inviting her you should have killed it. Of course you invite her.

But you knew all that.

RumpleStiltzkin It was me that said I'd spoken to my Dad, with my sister there, to explain why we don't like his wife.

I realise there's no "un-nasty" way to do this, but the way we did it was to take certain examples of her behaviour and then explain them to him from our point of view. He took these on board and at the time seemed fine, bus as I said, he's now gone overly dramatic that there's a "family rift" even though nothing has changed in anyone's interactions with each other in our family.

I felt it was especially important to tell him before my wedding, but also because of other events that have happened recently.

I have to say, I'm very surprised that there aren't more posters seeing things from the OP's point of view. My DM hates my Dad's wife, and it has nothing to do with any affairs. Not every family gets along, and I mean this in all sincerity - there is no-one that my Dad's wife can sit with at my wedding apart from him. I don't agree that just because my Dad chose to marry a random woman, that all of a sudden I have to welcome her into my family. It works both ways, and it seems like the OP's Dad's wife has done the same - if there's no effort on her side, there's no effort on mine, and you end up with the situation we have now.

OP, I really think you should talk to your Dad about your concerns. What does your future DH think?

I have read only a few pages on this thread but has anyone thought about the step mother's family? I don't mean in relation to the wedding but suppose she has an elderly mother/father who has to be looked after or in a care home so she hasn't had much time to 'socialise' with the OP's family, extended or not. We have no information about the stepmother because the OP probably doesn't know anything about her.

Did you attend your father's marriage to your step mother, OP? You father has been married for 5, presumably happy, years. Did your mother remarry?

I still think you should invite her

I am thinking of the OP. I can see the dilemma. But I think the fact she doesn't really warm to her is not sufficient excuse the exclude her. And I think it's not right, and I think it's not very healthy in the circumstances.

Lastly, I think if it were all right, The OP would have done it without any qualms.

What would it be like if you started a conversation with your Dad about how you were worried that his wife would feel awkward on the day? Start with the assumption that of course she is invited, but that you are worried that she will be uncomfortable.

You don't paint a glowing picture of your Dad tbh, does his wife know that he regularly chats to your Mum? I chat to my dc's Dad a lot but it's generally about our children because they are still children, I can't imagine that we would have such regular contact when they are fully cooked adults. If the wife doesn't know, then your Dad might already be worrying about the situation, and about whether your Mum would accidentally say anything that will let it be known to the wife how much contact they have.

I think that if you put your manipulative head on, you can engineer this so that you invite her but don't actually have to have her there. Everyone's a winner. But then you would have to be a conniving bitch like me to be able to pull it off successfully

What would it be like if you started a conversation with your Dad about how you were worried that his wife would feel awkward on the day?

That was what I'd initially planned to do, but he's quite emotionally unaware, and he'd just say 'oh she'll be alright. Don't worry about her. She can look after your Grandma'

I'm going to ask him if he'd considered how each individual person is going to feel at the wedding. Him, His wife, my Mum, grandma me, etc and just have a conversation about how he pictures the day and take it from there.

I've seen the fallout from new wives not being invited to weddings and it isn't pretty. In those circumstances, the new wife wasn't invited due to her history of drunkenness and fighting at other weddings, and her hostility and outright aggression towards the groom- which makes the lack of invite understandable. The weddings were wonderful, but the father has completely cut off his children over this.

In your case, your SM is snarky and rude, and difficult to seat. It sounds unlikely, however, that she'll cause any kind of public order offence at the wedding. The repercussions from not inviting her would be much worse than trying to find somewhere for her to sit. She doesn't have to be on the top table - I like Bran's idea of seating her with a "minder"- somebody she'll never have to see again, but who is a skilled conversationalist.

She might even decline the invite- in which case, everyone's winner.

I think that if you explain to your mum that you are inviting your SM to protect your relationship with your dad, she'll understand. It sounds as though you have enough family to ensure that your mum is looked after. Does your mum have a companion or family friend that could be invited, to redress the balance?

Didnt you say your Grandma was going to sit with your Mum? Sorry if I'm forgetting things.

Maybe if you point out to him that it will be difficult to seat her and that you are really really worried about everyone feeling happy and comfortable, he will come to the conclusion that it's best if she doesn't attend all by himself.

My father has been with my step-mother for 30 years now (God I am old) and until recently I had always found her cold, rude and completely disinterested in his children. She is extremely blunt and rude and has said far worse things to me and my siblings (nasty comments about the IVF I was having, the fact that I had a boyfriend 6 months after my first marriage broke up, my sister's engagement ring, my miscarriage, the list could go on and on).

However, the thing is she is my Dad's wife and I wouldn't have even considered not inviting her to my wedding (both actually, but thinking of my second one). She came, sat with my father and it was fine (sample comment from the day on my bias cut, 1930's style long wedding dress "Oh, have you come in your nightie?"), I didnt even think about it.

Actually, she has really come into her own as a grandparent and we are much closer these days, but thats a separate issue.

It seems to me that you had already made up your mind before your post and I do get your reasons, even if I dont agree with them, but I do feel terribly sorry for your step mother.

Of course the dad will find a way not to have his wife there - that way he can continue his emotional affair with ops mother unhindered - he can act like a total shit while looking like the good guy.

What I don't get is why the op thinks this is good for her mother.

My Grandma would probably sit next to my Dad, my Mum or me as we're the only ones she feels comfortable with assisting her to eat.

Maybe if you point out to him that it will be difficult to seat her and that you are really really worried about everyone feeling happy and comfortable, he will come to the conclusion that it's best if she doesn't attend all by himself.

What a nice, simple post. Yes I know I know, cherrypicking what I want to hear. But this actually does make sense amid all the aibu furore.

It doesn't sound like it is good for her Mother, but that's not really within OPs control as they are all adults that can do what they want.

It sounds to me like the family would be much happier if everyone just respected everyone else's boundaries.

All those who said I'd already made my mind up, well I kind of had. I never said "AIBU not to invite my Dad's wife to our wedding", The aibu was actually "to ask for help how to handle this" Some people's responses are you handle it by INVITING her which is fair enough.

DontmindifIdo that is clearly outrageous behaviour and not at all acceptable in any form.

The point I am trying to make is that you see a lot of posts with people up in arms about choices people have made about their weddings (dc's invited or not) and I have seen and experienced the fall out it can cause and it just irritates me that people get angry about where they seated/where it is held/who is isn't invited/dress code etc...But I truly believe that as far as possible (and everyone I know has and does make allowances for other people) people should try and fit in with others wedding plans as it is their day -often paid for by themselves.

In this case I don't envythe OP as I probably would not want her their either, and it is a tricky discussion to have. I do agree with other posters though that on the day it probably wont matter.