MIL and new baby.

[Rachog]

I had a baby on Monday, we came home from hospital on Tuesday.

MIL and I don't get on and havent spoken since we had a row over dsd 9 weeks ago. However I told dp that she was of course welcome to come and visit
ds. She came round on Tuesday when we got home an stayed just over an hour, she didn't speak to me once in all that time but to be fair I didn't speak to her either.

Now however dp wants to take baby round to hers on his own for a visit in the week. I really don't want to be seperated from ds just yet and we are trying to get breast feeding established. I have said she can come here anytime, no restrictions but I just don't want him to take baby.

She only lives a 5 nun drive away so if ds wanted feeding they could be back quickly.

So am I being unreasonable? I think maybe I am a little but I can't help how I feel.

YANBU.

I wouldn't have let DD out of the same building as me, even with her Dad, in the first few weeks. It just didn't feel right and trying to get BF established was hard work.

5 mins doesn't seem long, but 5 minutes of screaming with hunger will seem like forever to your baby and if you are having problems latching he might be so hungry and upset by the time he is home that latching is even more difficult.

On top of that you have a MIL who disagrees with how you and your DH parent DSD and has a large part in DSD's life. It wouldn't be unreasonable to think she expected that to happen with your DS, particularly as DS is only a week old and DH is already trying to take him round there without you. I personally wouldn't trust MIL not to try and undermine you with the old 'better be on the bottle' or even give your DS formula whilst there so that he can stay longer.

I think you either have to go with DS to MIL's, or refuse to allow him to go and given the circumstances, I can see why it would be the latter.

You poor thing YANBU, I think its terribly short sighted and spoilt when MILS behave in this manner when a new life has come safely into this world, they take an awful lot for granted. Alot can go so very wrong, and does belive me.

You should be treasured at this very moment and treated with reverence, not least because you have a healthy baby and you are ok but also because a tiny life is relying on you, you could also get baby blues as you well know and worse.

As far as I am concerned no matter what gripe she has with you - as a human she should have the sensibilty to suspend it and throw her efforts if not in supporting you - just to be civil to you until you have all settled down.

I personally find it fundamentally morally corrupt to treat the mother of her grandchild like a breeding sou, whose use is now over....and now can be taken from sou to head PIG.

Dont let it happen.

As far as DP concerned, is MIL kicking up bigger fuss than you> often men like to just have peace and are spinless! Maybe you need to make an impression on him, this is not negotialble and you dont want to hear any more about it - you need to concentrate on new born.

How are you this morning Rachog ?

How could MIL dare to ban you from the house?? You haven't banned her from visiting - she can visit you and be grateful.
Hope your DP apologised for making his mothers behaviour your problem.

Hope this works out, but be resolute that YANBU to refuse to be separated from your baby just because MIL doesn't like you!

"I have been told very clearly I am not welcome in het.house so it would be awkward to say the least."
And that is what your DP needs to be dealing with. Pointing out to his mother that he will not stand for this (although apparently he does ...). He needs to nip this in the bud, unless he wants a very complicated life.

This is not looking good for the future.
For the couple to cut themselves off from an in-law is one thing. If she is a nuisance and disruptive it's the best thing to do.
But if there is a permanent break between the in-law and just one if the partners, the other is always going to be torn down the middle with split loyalties. If DP can't make up his mind which is most important to him it is going to be a continuing strain on the partnership and I don't think it will work out happily in the long run.
This is why I said before that bothparents need to visit the MIL to show they are united. If you can't agree on that then you need to re-think your relationship.

one of

Did you see the post above yours Sally? The OP has been told she's not welcome in her MIL's house.

Sallyingforth are you also missing the part where OP cannot visit because she is not welcome in MIL's house?
Mini how dare you tell her to "get a grip" she's just had a baby ffs and her MIL sounds like a right troublemaker TBH
OP tell your DH to cut the apron strings and tell your MIL to f off she will not be seeing the baby until she gets her act together Er...that's it

x-post (I type sooo slowly)

Yes of course I saw that bit. That's why it's important for them to go together to break this standoff. DP has to take OP with him to show they are united.

I wouldn't go where I was told I wasn't welcome. I would expect my DH to say that if his wife wasn't welcome he wouldn't be going either.

Exactly. If OP says she must go then DP will have to make up his mind. It can't be allowed to fester.

Morning everyone, thanks for the support. Am feeling much better this morning. Ds is not going without me, Mil is welcome here and for the time being that will have to he good enough. Nobody else has requested special solitary visiting.

I am glad most of you seem to agree.

Sallyingforth - I am not going to go somewhere I am not welcome but I will make an effort to make conversation with her if she comes to visit and see where we go from there. One of us have to be grown up after all.

Dp should stand up to his mother but he is not going to. Very disappointing and something we will have to talk about I think.

Good morning Rachog. At least he is not going without you, that's the immediate problem resolved.
I do hope that you can get DP to understand that the underlaying issue cannot run on unresolved indefinitely.

Sallyingforth You seem very keen that that the OP and her DP should sort it out but as far as I can see it's the MIL who's being a twat and who should be sorting it out.

Rachdog,

I was told I wasnt welcome in Mils house on an occasion just after birth of 1st DD and her 1st GC.

I have not step foot in that house 4.5 years later and wont now or in the future.

She made it v clear she does not like me at all - and even though FIL has invited me over I refuse to go - as she has not made any effort with me in all those years.

Its been a long road, but ultimatly my DH is with me, and is improving - albeit slowly with dealing with them....

I just dont see were MILs/PILS think its ok to treat the DM of the DC sooo badly!

Sallyingforth You seem very keen that that the OP and her DP should sort it out but as far as I can see it's the MIL who's being a twat and who should be sorting it out.""

Totaly agree adn one woman has just had a baby for goodness sake and ALL that entails!

She has ENOUGH pressure on her. they all need to back off and let her concentrate on her new born.

Yes Eliza it's very clear indeed that the MIL is being a twat. I don't think anyone would disagree.
But that leaves the OP and her DP with a problem that's not going away. Just turning their backs on it is no solution and only the DP (with appropriate pressure) can resolve it.

Elizaregina, what is it with these women! I can't see myself going round there, I don't need to have a relationship with her so that my ds can. So long as we can he civil on the occasions that we absolutely have to see each other. I know ignoring each other last time didn't help but I was just shocked that she would he so rude in my home 24 hours after I gave birth to her grandchild!

Sallyingforth I am not quite sure what you would suggest, you can't force someone to he reasonable and I am perfectly happy to not spend time with her in future, I think I am being more than fair allowing her to come round and see ds after her behaviour last time.

Sallyingforth is now going to suggest that you go to counselling with your MIL (and probably pay for it) to sort out the MIL's problems. Hahahaha
Sallyingforth are you the MIL?

Rachog I'm sorry if I'm not being clear, but in my first post I was saying that you're in it for the long term not just this one incident.
If your DP can't resolve his unrealistic position of being split between his mother and you, that is going to be a running sore on your relationship. He has to see this.

This situation is definitely not one to be ignored, as it can easily escalate. MIL can be right dragons. I'm in a situation with two DCs, and my inlaws refuses to see me but wants to see my DCs. We're fallen out big time after a catastrophic incident with my DCs (involving the police).

My DH is right in the middle and he is 'learning' to support me. He refuses to take sides, he is torn in the middle. However, he wants us to reconcile where we can tolerate each other's company for the sake of the DCs. What will the DC's think in the future? And what will they learn by it? Will the DC's, when they grow up - end up taking sides?

What you feel now is not going to change 6 months or 6 years down the line. IMO, it's only going to get worse unless you can be really good at disassociating yourself from his family, including wider family - and is that what you really want?

What I'm saying is, tread with care as inlaws can make your life hell and can do all in their power to have everyone against you - including DCs.

I'm being asked to take the moral high ground for my DH as my inlaws have really low emotional intelligence. Might there be ways you can do that too?

Rachdog,

I dont know but I do know that with my DC unless my DC's partner/gf etc is a crack addict type, I will do my damdest to be civil to them, as long as my DC are HAPPY, no matter how much I may dissaprove I will just try and get along and be civil and nice to them.
And if a woman has my GC I will treat that woman - with total respect for bringing a life into this world.
I will also understand that if I cannot be civil and nice to the bearer of my GC then I cant just expect to have those GC when I want etc......by passing the GC mother!

Its just a nasty horrid feeling - to be treated like the breeder! Cast aside once the goods are here.

There are lots of very very lonely people out there who cannot meet anyone at all let alone one who truelly makes them happy and that they love, there are couples who have been trying for decades for children they cannot have even with IVF, couples who loose children.

If one person is cleary unhappy in a relatshionship thats a different story but where a couple is a happy unit - producing children they love in a wonderful environment that is to me - something to be respected and cherished and supported.

elizaregina - Just requoting a great quote you put there 'And if a woman has my GC I will treat that woman - with total respect for bringing a life into this world.'

Great Qupte - but there are far more people - and IMO women, than men, who too readily cannot be civil to their DIL's. Why is that the case? Do you think men are more forgiving than women?

Returning to OP, you're not alone in the situation that you are in. Hope it works out for you. hugs

I totally get the OP because I have been there. My MIL offered to pay halves to abort her first GC. When I had baby she just came round and snatched DD and totally ignored me, it was so hurtful. All because I 'took DH away'. She did a lot worse than that too inc try to ruin our wedding day and invited people to my stillborn DD3s funeral when I couldn't face people. I did nothing to her, she was a 'bitch' to all his exes (one of them told me as we worked together). I generally get on with people she doesn't.

Anyway what helped with us is keeping her at a distance when he behaviour was unacceptable. DH also had to step in on occasion and ask why she was ignoring me. We had some very awkward 'family talks' where they basically verbally abused us. MIL said she 'wanted to be close to GC' but that wasn't happening if she couldn't be civil to me. She often said to DH, can you come on your own with GC and not with me. She wanted to pretend I didn't exist. Counselling actually suggested never to let DH and DC go without me as she would never accept us as a family otherwise.

We had boundary issues too. MIL wanted daily visits and never called to say when she was coming. This was awkward if people were round as she refused to speak to my friends and family. We insisted she rang when she wanted to come to make sure it suited. Counselling also suggested to reinforce our home as separate and not an extension of her home merely as her son lived in it.

Anyway these all helped and eventually, a few years later, we all began to 'get on'. It's probably never going to be as good as with my parents or DH Dad and wife (they are divorced and MIL stopped him seeing DH from a young baby as she was bitter after his affair and wanted to punish him). However I don't dread them coming and it is reasonable pleasant for a few hours. I am so glad I stuck to my guns. DH did need persuading to stand up to them at first but once he did he felt better for it.

Don't give in OP. MIL either accepts you and your DC or she gets minimum visiting, she makes effort she gets to see you (all) more. And when you feel less threatened maybe things will be different and you will let MIL spend time alone with DC etc. Good luck.