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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and new baby.

132 replies

Rachog · 22/07/2012 15:39

I had a baby on Monday, we came home from hospital on Tuesday.

MIL and I don't get on and havent spoken since we had a row over dsd 9 weeks ago. However I told dp that she was of course welcome to come and visit
ds. She came round on Tuesday when we got home an stayed just over an hour, she didn't speak to me once in all that time but to be fair I didn't speak to her either.

Now however dp wants to take baby round to hers on his own for a visit in the week. I really don't want to be seperated from ds just yet and we are trying to get breast feeding established. I have said she can come here anytime, no restrictions but I just don't want him to take baby.

She only lives a 5 nun drive away so if ds wanted feeding they could be back quickly.

So am I being unreasonable? I think maybe I am a little but I can't help how I feel.

OP posts:
HermioneE · 22/07/2012 17:33

Think it is kind of relevant... it means she has previous for thinking that she gets to tell you and DP how to parent your children! And now she won't accept you in her house because you rightly made your own decision?! She is totally out of order, both times.

YANBU. Congratulations. Stick to your guns, baby stays with you.

Oh and I love bossy's post too Grin

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 22/07/2012 17:43

Passive aggressive behaviour from MIL imo. Needs kicking into touch now, as others have said.

SirBoob has it on the nose here. She doesn't give a damn about you or your feelings and it will get worse if it isn't nipped in the bud now. DP needs to be on your side here. YANBU

Original poster
Rachog · 22/07/2012 17:45

I suppose it is relevant, she didn't get her way that time and she won't be this time either.

She doesn't see my children anymore, she rarley saw them anyway. She was.always decent to them when she did see them, but caused problems over her views that it was unfair to treat dsd the same as them in our home.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 22/07/2012 17:52

Then I think your DP needs to get his priorities sorted now.
Or this is going to go on and on.

She needs to be told her fortune, by him. And if she's not prepared to accept your parenting decisions she will not be seeing any of you.

I assume dsd is her grandchild. How did she get on with her mother?

jellybeans · 22/07/2012 17:55

I,Ve been in this situation 15 years ago. It sucks. DO NOT let MIL see the baby without you. If she is made to be civil to you so she can see the baby things will be a lot easier. MIL and I get on now (she does my head in still but don't dread them coming anymore and she put me through hell!)

If you let baby go without you she (MIL) will be playing happy families while you get shut out and how will you explain that to the child when they are older? Your DH needs to grow a backbone. Is he an only child? He needs to learn if he doesn't stick up for you he will lose you. Because right now he would rather upset you, a new mother of his newborn, than his mother. That is so wrong.

glenthebattleostrich · 22/07/2012 17:56

Sorry, your DP thinks it is reasonable to take a nursing baby away from it's mummy. I thought it was your MIL pushing for it.

He needs to realise that this is NOT acceptable and to sort his priorities out. If he pushes it I'd be leaving an overnight bag for him so he can go away to think about who's needs are more important - his mothers or his childs.

Still jealous of the newborn snuggles

Original poster
Rachog · 22/07/2012 17:57

Dsd is her first grandchild who spends several nights a week at her house and has done from a few months old. She has actually been there for about a month as her mother was having family problems and now she is on holiday. Dsd's mum and Mil get on pretty well because dsd mum let's Mil have a lot of control. I am the opposite, as a grown up I take responsibility for my own.children.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rachog · 22/07/2012 17:59

Glenthebattleostrich I am loving the new born snuggled, I can't stop sniffing his new baby smell and touching his tiny fingers.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rachog · 22/07/2012 18:02

Jellybeans I am glad things improved for.you and you Mil. Maybe there is hope for us yet.

I think I will stick to my guns, insist she comes to us and when she arrives kill her with kindness. It would take an almighty rude woman to continue freezing me out if I address her directly. An offer of a cuppa to break the ice maybe.

OP posts:
Kayano · 22/07/2012 18:02

Or you could go to get out of the house. You don't need to say anything?

I would do that just for selfish reasons of getting out and about . Having a baby can feel quite isolating.

Now a new baby could be a new start maybe?

diddl · 22/07/2012 18:04

So baby isn´t a week old yet, you´re bfeeding and she´s capable of coming to you?

So she can do that-while your husband is there if you don´t want to be alone with her.

Congratulations!

Kayano · 22/07/2012 18:04

Oh sorry saw your later post. If you are by invited then yanbu

Stupid dh

QuintessentialShadows · 22/07/2012 18:05

The more I read, the more sorry I feel for you, to be with such a spineless man.

Original poster
Rachog · 22/07/2012 18:07

Kayano, I don't think I would feel comfortable going to her house, we are finding breastfeeding a bit tricky and I would just feel better at home where I can go upstairs if necessary and take off my top while we get latched. I would feel like a drama queen demanding we go home to feed at the first sign of baby being hungry.

Other than that though I have been told very clearly I am not welcome in het.house so it would be awkward to say the least.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rachog · 22/07/2012 18:10

Quintessentialshadows, I am certainly feeling disappointed in him. I feel he.is letting me and ds down by not pulling his mum up.

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 22/07/2012 18:11

don't let your new gorgeous baby out of your sight. If MIL wants to have a relationship with her DGC she needs to realise that requires a relationship with her DIL. If not, then tough. DCs don't need GPs really, then need people who love them who are a positive influence on their lives, people who treat their mother like shit is never a good person to be in their life, blood relation or not.

Kayano · 22/07/2012 18:12

That must be so upsetting. I had exactly the same issue with breast feeding btw, really struggled to latch and feed

You are doing so well, I only lasted 3 days!

DH should be supporting you, it's awful!

Original poster
Rachog · 22/07/2012 18:19

Kayano, thanks, some feeds are easier than others, I am.just hoping we get the.hang of it. Fomula milk is fine though and.although I would be a bit disappointed it wouldnt be the end of the world if we can't nail it. Sorry to hear you struggled too!

Dontmindifido, I wouldn't mind if I never see her again, I am happy for dp to take ds there in future without me, but I don't want to let him out of my sight just yet. I don't even want to put him down in his basket. Spoiled baby alert!

OP posts:
ChickensHaveNoLips · 22/07/2012 18:21

YANBU. I was willing to think of a compromise for you until I read the bit where you aren't welcome in your MIL's house but your DP still thinks it's reasonable to take your brand new baby around there. Then I thought: Fuck 'em.

diddl · 22/07/2012 18:23

So, you can´t go there & baby can´t leave you as he is being breastfed & it sounds as though (sorry)-your husband couldn´t be trusted to bring him straight home.

(And MIL has probably got a supply of formula & bottles)

SirBoobAlot · 22/07/2012 18:29

Rachog, get along to a breastfeeding group asap, or post on the board here. It may be a tiny little thing that can be fixed very quickly, and make life easier for you :)

Original poster
Rachog · 22/07/2012 18:37

Thanks sirboobalot, I have posted on the boards here and everyone has been so supportive. Ds has tongue tie which we are going to have looked at on Tuesday. I think things will improve when my milk settles down though as my hard boobs are so sore at the moment.

OP posts:
BerthaTheBogBurglar · 22/07/2012 18:38

This woman thinks some of your children are secondclass, thinks you are just the broodmare who she can be rude to and ignore, refuses you entry to her home, and still thinks she gets a relationship with some of your children! Why does your dp think all this is ok? A normal man would be spitting with fury at this kind of treatment of the woman he loves.

Dp should be phoning and saying "if you don't want to speak to US then you don't get to see OUR child. And ALL of OUR children will be treated equally by everyone they see. Do let us know when you're ready to apologise to US and welcome US ALL to your home".

And why do you want her to have any influence over your children? What possible benefit will a relationship with her, be to your children? Surely you protect your children from people who act like that?

Original poster
Rachog · 22/07/2012 18:47

Bertha, I don't know why I am willing to let her see ds, I guess I just think well she is his grandmother so she has a right to see him. I know dp wouldn't stand for it if I tried to prevent her seeing him and if we split up he would live with her and she would have as much influence over him as she did when he had dsd which would not be good.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 22/07/2012 18:48

Two words, OP.

Cabbage leaves.

So good for hard, sore boobs.