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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and new baby.

132 replies

Rachog · 22/07/2012 15:39

I had a baby on Monday, we came home from hospital on Tuesday.

MIL and I don't get on and havent spoken since we had a row over dsd 9 weeks ago. However I told dp that she was of course welcome to come and visit
ds. She came round on Tuesday when we got home an stayed just over an hour, she didn't speak to me once in all that time but to be fair I didn't speak to her either.

Now however dp wants to take baby round to hers on his own for a visit in the week. I really don't want to be seperated from ds just yet and we are trying to get breast feeding established. I have said she can come here anytime, no restrictions but I just don't want him to take baby.

She only lives a 5 nun drive away so if ds wanted feeding they could be back quickly.

So am I being unreasonable? I think maybe I am a little but I can't help how I feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rachog · 22/07/2012 16:20

Happycamel what a nightmare for your friend I would be in pieces if that happened to me and dp would find his bags waiting by the door!

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 22/07/2012 16:22

What redwhiteandblueeyedsusan said.

Lambzig · 22/07/2012 16:27

YANBU at all.

When DD was two weeks old I had to buy DH a birthday present. All three of us went to the shopping centre and then I left DH (who I trust completely with DD BTW) for twenty minutes to go buy a present. I can remember the real discomfort about being away from her and ridiculous sheer terror as I literally ran back to them that they wouldn't be in the coffee shop still. Ridiculous now, but horrible at the time.

Am really concerned that your MIL wont put her differences aside to do what is best for your new baby (when you have done so) and your DH is supporting that!

Lambzig · 22/07/2012 16:30

PS, although it would be nice if you could sort things out with her, if you really think that is impossible, there is an element of setting boundaries now.

If your MIL can demand a visit from her grandchild that doesnt involve you the mother in the first few weeks, and get away with it now, how long before she is ignorning your wishes about care, or demanding overnight visits before you are comfortable with that.

Foslady · 22/07/2012 16:32

YANBU. No way. I had similar. DD was born 3 weeks early and I was BF (hard to produce milk too), 2 weeks later (ex)P went back to work and got phone call from MIL telling me I was cruel because I wouldn't let her have DD for an afternoon to take round to all her friends houses! I rang DP up in tears - she'd already rung him at work and he then tried to pursuade me to do it. In the end I spoke to a lovely lady at the la Leche League who calmed me down and told me I was being the sensible one and the others were being totally out of order. After that I believe PIL's had a 'frank' discussion (thankyou FIL!!!) and the next time we went round there was a 'Good Grandparenting' book on the coffee table.......

Stick to your guns, OP!

Sossiges · 22/07/2012 16:33

YADNBU Don't let them do it. Thin end of the wedge.

Iggly · 22/07/2012 16:35

YANBU

She's so little. What will happen is the visit will overrun, MIL will insist that baby can't be hungry yet etc etc then a screaming hungry baby will be brought home hours later.

GhostShip · 22/07/2012 16:37

YANBU.

if its only five minutes away then she can come to you. Why should the baby be trundled away from its mother.

Nanny0gg · 22/07/2012 16:37

Congratulations!
The baby stays with you. If she wants to see him, she comes to you. And that is whether or not you're breastfeeding. He's far too small for you to want him away from you.
The only thing I will say though is, it will matter to you just as much in a few weeks time as it does now. I do think there has to be some form of reconciliation if at all possible, or things are going to continue to be awkward/difficult in the future too.

Roastbeefandyorkshires · 22/07/2012 16:41

Yadnbu

ImperialBlether · 22/07/2012 16:43

Congratulations - I'm very jealous!

There is no way on this earth I would let that happen. And, FWIW your husband needs to take your side - the distress caused to you and the baby by your separation is far greater than the distress caused to his mother.

His mother has had her children. Frankly, if she wasn't civil and giving congratulations on the day I'd come out of hospital with a new baby, she wouldn't be coming into the house again. If that meant losing the husband, then so be it.

helenthemadex · 22/07/2012 16:43

YANBU ds belongs with you, especially as you are bf, its sad that the birth of your ds has not encouraged her to be polite for the sake of your ds

TheCrackFox · 22/07/2012 16:44

YANBU

You "D"P really needs to sort his priorities out as he should be putting you and your new baby first.

Sallyingforth · 22/07/2012 16:49

I'll probably get flamed for this but can't you make the effort to go with your baby to visit your MIL?
She's spent an hour with you, you could spent an hour at hers. You'll be with DS and have control of him and it might just help to break down the impass. She'ss going to be around for many years and this is not a good situation to perpetuate.

GhostShip · 22/07/2012 16:52

Sallyingforth I think the point is her DP has said he's taking the baby alone, no mention of her going with them.

And even then, why should the OP go. I'm all for building bridges but I think in this case she shouldn't have to leave her home just yet.

ImperialBlether · 22/07/2012 17:00

The baby isn't even a week old! No baby should be going visiting at that age and no reasonable person would expect it.

squeakytoy · 22/07/2012 17:01

For the sake of family harmony, and because this is not just your MIL, but your childs grandmother who will be a part of her life for a long time, would it not be possible for you both to talk though this and rebuild a relationship?

Bossybritches22 · 22/07/2012 17:01

FFS the baby is barely a week old & is expected to schlepp around to someone else's house where she isn't welcome to have the baby passed around god knows who (cause I'd bet my last penny there will be an audience)

NO NO & thrice NO Grin YANBU & congratulations !!

As an aside don't MW's/ HV's etc tell new mums any more not to pass around the baby in the first weeks until they've built up a bit of immunity due to infection risks?
I was told this with both of mine (years ago granted) & poppycock or not it was a damn good excuse to stop this pass the parcel thing that some families seem to think is their right!

ImperialBlether · 22/07/2012 17:02

OP, what was the argument with your MIL about? Is it likely to be resolved?

GhostShip · 22/07/2012 17:05

I love bossy's post

exoticfruits · 22/07/2012 17:07

I wouldn't let him do it but I would go together and talk to MIL - don't let her freeze you out. Get DH to tell her that you all come as a family package and she can't pick and choose.

honeytea · 22/07/2012 17:10

yanbu, and congratulations Thanks

Annunziata · 22/07/2012 17:16

YANBU. Congratulations!

Original poster
Rachog · 22/07/2012 17:21

I wasn't invited on the visit, I am not welcome at Mils house.

Squeaky, I agree it would make sense to build bridges, sil and I managed to make the effort (she hadn't spoken to me in all that time either) but Mil is not interested in reconcilliation.

We fell out because she thinks that dsd should be given preferential treatment over my own dc from a previous marriage. Dp and I feel they should all be treated the same as our daughters are the same age. I didn't handle it very well and told her to get used to the situation and she told me not to speak to her again.

That's not really relevant to this situation though.

OP posts:
SirBoobAlot · 22/07/2012 17:29

Think its very relevant actually. She doesn't give a damn about you or your feelings. How does she treat your DC?

You need to get DP on side here, because she's being a witch, and it will only get worse.