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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL and new baby.

132 replies

Rachog · 22/07/2012 15:39

I had a baby on Monday, we came home from hospital on Tuesday.

MIL and I don't get on and havent spoken since we had a row over dsd 9 weeks ago. However I told dp that she was of course welcome to come and visit
ds. She came round on Tuesday when we got home an stayed just over an hour, she didn't speak to me once in all that time but to be fair I didn't speak to her either.

Now however dp wants to take baby round to hers on his own for a visit in the week. I really don't want to be seperated from ds just yet and we are trying to get breast feeding established. I have said she can come here anytime, no restrictions but I just don't want him to take baby.

She only lives a 5 nun drive away so if ds wanted feeding they could be back quickly.

So am I being unreasonable? I think maybe I am a little but I can't help how I feel.

OP posts:

PurpleCrazyHorse · 22/07/2012 18:49

Rachog - try a hot bath/shower/compress and express a little so you're not so hard. I had similar issues and just making my breasts a little softer helped DD to latch. There's lots of info on expressing by hand on the internet.

Sorry to hear about your MIL, sadly I think you'll need to stick to your guns about the visiting. Maybe a frank discussion with your DP about the realities of BFing might also be in order.

ElizabethPonsonby · 22/07/2012 18:57

Rachog congrats on your ds, I am currently snuggling and bfeeding my newborn ds, born same day as yours!

I can only echo what everyone has already said, and no way would my Ds be going anywhere without me for a long time!

diddl · 22/07/2012 18:58

If your breasts are hard-can that make latching on more difficult?

I think it´s lovely of you to consider this woman.

Sure she can have a relationship with her GC-the one that you want her to have?

When would your husband be wanting to take the baby without you?

In the week after work/weekend?

Original poster

Rachog · 22/07/2012 18:59

Thanks for the tips, I had to express some last night ad poor ds just couldn't get his mouth around them, I don't want to express too much though and encourage even more supply.

Do I apply the cabbage leaves or eat them?

OP posts:

ElizabethPonsonby · 22/07/2012 19:03

Put the leaves over your sore boobs and bra over that!

Original poster

Rachog · 22/07/2012 19:03

Congratulations to you too Elizabeth, we are so lucky!

Diddl, I think the hardness does indeed make latching harder. Dp wants to take him in the week after work I think. We haven't really discussed long term arrangements for her seeing him, I just assumed that it would happen naturally without having a specific arrangment.

OP posts:

diddl · 22/07/2012 19:06

So I´m thinking after work, he might not stay long is all.

Well, it doesn´t need thinking about just yet (imo) as baby still tiny & you are establishing bfeeding.

Cabbage leaves-are, the relief!

diddl · 22/07/2012 19:06

are??

ahhh!

sugarandspite · 22/07/2012 19:40

Rachog - if you haven't tried it yet, I found the rugby ball hold was the only way DD could latch when my boobs were hard. Once we figured this out it made life a million times easier!

50shadesofslapntickle · 22/07/2012 19:56

Dont you worry that eventually she will try and turn your own son against you? I would not trust her seeing your child without you there!

annielouisa · 22/07/2012 20:43

What is this preferential treatment that MIL is demanding for DSD? Has DSD been going back to MIL with tales that perhaps inflame a difficult situation?

Original poster

Rachog · 22/07/2012 21:15

Sorry was doing bed time.

Annielouisea - dsd is only 4, Mil thinks that if all of the children are misbehaving then its not fair to tell dsd off as she doesn't live with us. She thinks we should pick dsd up first on the way home from work regardless of which journey is more effcient. They are two of the specific exampes she has given. I am.not sure what else she had in mind as when she said, its not fair to treat them.the same, dsd should be made to feel special, I told her that all the kids are special, they will be treated equally and Mil will just have to get used to it.

50shades, it is a possibility that she could try but I am a good mum and I am confident in my relationships with the other children, I don't think she could turn him against me. I wouldn't put it past her to try though.

Thanks sugarandspite, I haven't tried that one yet, I have been latching stood up in the cross cradle hold. Will give it a go.

OP posts:

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 22/07/2012 21:31

Do you think MIL is worried that DSD will find the adjustment to Daddy having another child hard or she'll feel pushed out?

AlbertoFrog · 22/07/2012 21:52

Keep your cabbage leaves in the fridge btw ... bliss. If your boobs are still hard then try a hot bath. On a few occasions I actually fed DS in the bath (once it had cooled obviously) as I was more relaxed.

My DS had a tongue-tie too. BFing was far easier once it was snipped.

OP you sound lovely. I do hope all this stress doesn't mar the wonderful first few weeks of new babyness. Good luck.

SirBoobAlot · 22/07/2012 22:04

Tuesday is 48hours - you can do that. Am glad its being seen so quickly. Try to express a little, as will help him latch on - it can be difficult for them if you're too full. Do as much topless time as possible as less clothes = less pressure on sore boobs.

And make sure to squirt milk at MIL next time she visits.

Socknickingpixie · 22/07/2012 23:36

correct me if im wrong but did you say he has told you he is taking ds irrispective of how you feel?

holyfishnets · 22/07/2012 23:47

you are right to keep baby with you. it's most important you establish BFing and also rest, recover, bond.

minimisschief · 23/07/2012 01:19

i would understand if it was 30 mins up to hours away but it is 5 minutes away. I'll probably be alone here by telling you to get a grip.

this issue is probably only here because you and your mil have had a stupid falling out and your partner is trying to keep everyone happy. his mum obviously felt umcomfortable around yours when she visited and your partner probably thinks this way there wont be any arguments or uncomfortable atmospheres springing up.

you could always pop round there with him and sort this silly no talking thing out. you do have to live with this woman in your life and she is your partners mother.

Original poster

Rachog · 23/07/2012 01:25

Alberto, it is reassuring that you found an improvement after the tounge tie was seen to. I really hope that it helps here too!

Haha sirboobalot, imagine that. I am using Tuesday as a goal, get through till then and see how it goes.

Socknickingpixie he did say that. I told him he's not. He tends to think if he just demands then he will get his own way (like a spoiled child) he wouldn't actually go against my wishes.

OP posts:

MamaMumra · 23/07/2012 01:48

Congratulations Rachog. I'm feeling really sorry for DSD actually - a month is a long time to be without her mum, or was her mum at MILs too? Sorry of off topic but

As for taking your baby s

MamaMumra · 23/07/2012 01:56

Congratulations Rachog ! How lovely

I'm feeling really sorry for DSD actually - a month is a long time to be without her mum, or was her mum at MILs too? Would collecting her first be better for her / mean she saw her dad for longer? Sorry of off topic but .

As for taking your baby sO early - I agree it's way too early and you are right to say no. I do think that I would, for the sake of family cohesion, try to salvage some kind of relationship with MIL - if your DP wants his kids to have a relationship with his mother, things could get really messy unless you all sort things out. Your DP is being an arse for not speaking to you and making you stress about what should be a moot point - your baby should stay put!

Can I put my support behInd cabbage leaves too (from what I remember!) -

MamaMumra · 23/07/2012 01:58

Weird disjointed message
How lovely for you to have a lovely new baby I meant

MamaMumra · 23/07/2012 01:59

Bedtime ....

LilBlondePessimist · 23/07/2012 02:23

Mini - have you got children? Did you bf? Do you remember the first few weeks. You're right - you are completely alone in your quite frankly thoughtless advice. Did you miss the part three times where the op states she has been told she is not welcome in her mils house? As another poster pointed out, a five min drive is not five min away with a hungry newborn. And, fwiw, I didn't have the slightest problem with my pils, but never in a blue moon would I even have considered dh taking any of my three ds's there in the first few weeks without me - which is only natural. But he wouldn't have tried either.

Original poster

Rachog · 23/07/2012 05:16

Thanks lilmisspessimist saved me repeating myself again there.

Mamamura dsd mum wasn't there but she called in to see her everyday and we had her to ours a couple of times during the week depending on what time dp got home from work and Fri - sun at the weekends. This week while dp has been off work we have had dsd all week. Her mum is on holiday so she hasn't seen her. Dsd has always spent a lot of time at Mil as dp used to live there.

Picking dsd up first wouldn't have made any difference really as we were going straight home, just collecting the children from the 3 various places along the way so we just go the quickest route.

OP posts:

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