Leaving dc in a hotel room (yes, I know it's been done!)

[ravenAK]

Ok, I know this is a MN perennial!
Dh & I are planning to do a bit of a road trip with the dc ? the idea is that we throw everyone & a tent into the van, head for the opposite end of the country & catch up with sundry friends & relatives.
We?d planned to do one overnighter with my oldest friend, Jo. The idea is to head to a local theme park (not as horrific as it sounds for the poor woman ? Jo & I are roller coaster junkies), & then dh & the dc would spend the evening at a hotel whilst Jo & I went out on the town. At some point her new dp would be joining us, either for dinner or for drinks.
All sorted, until my mum rings earlier this evening & ends up chatting to dh, who explains all this & mentions that he?s feeling slightly Cinderella-ish about not getting to go out with Jo, her new chap & me (dh & Jo adore each other, & we haven?t seen her for months ? neither of us has met her new dp).
Mum is taken aback by this, because to her it?s completely obvious that we should book a hotel with a halfway decent restaurant, put the kids to bed & both have dinner with Jo & her dp.
Dh relays this to me when I get home, finding it quite funny (he also has parents whose idea of responsible 70s parenting re: nights out was for the parent who was driving to steer clear of the whisky chasers & occasionally pop out to the car park with crisps for the offspring they?d locked in the Cortina...)

I find myself thinking ? actually, she?s got a point. The dc are aged 4 to 8 & we could leave ds with dh?s phone to ring mine if they needed us.
I can think of 3 possible problems:
1.Dc have some sort of fight or do something daft resulting in one of them being injured.
2.Fire, & dh & I not being allowed back upstairs to get the dc out of the room.
3.Sinister strangers with hotel master keys.
None of them seem that likely tbh, but it?s fair to say that it?s a ?low risk, high consequence? situation...
We do have other options anyway (we could camp at Jo?s ? the only reason she isn?t putting us up anyway is that she?s sharing a house, but she?s offered her garden for camping; or I suppose we could hire someone to sit in a hotel room via Sitters).
So AIBU to even consider doing as my mum suggests?

In my own opinion, and I understand that we all have different parenting ideas and systems which work for our own individual circumstances, but I wouldn't leave them.

I've always sought a family member to look after my ds and dd when we've needed to go out or have some couple time. I've never used a babysitter because I didn't have that option and wouldn't feel comfortable. Nor did I have lots of available childcare from family. I just knew that as important as couple time was for my dp and I, I also wanted to know my children were as safe as I could enable them to be.

One of the things I've been clear on throughout my parenting was that my
Ds, 18, would not be a babysitter or carer for my dd, 13. For me they were siblings and I wanted to retain that dynamic and that equality. I didn't want to ask my ds to look after ( and therefore 'parent') his sister for some time but then revert back to being a sibling the rest. For me it felt like it would confuse their boundaries with ds telling dd to do and behave in certain ways because I'd previously allowed him to do so when babysitting. Also, lord forbid, if anything did happen to dd when in his care, even of through no fault of his own, I didn't want him to be burdened with guilt for the rest of his life.

This is just my parenting style, it suits me, us, my children but it might not suit other and I'm content with the decisions I made to suit my family.

It's your call whether you leave the children or not. The best thing you can do is to canvass the opinion of many, as you are doing, and work out what works for you.

I would suggest that if it was your opinion not to leave them in the first place then your gut instinct was probably the right thing for you.

Good luck

My children are 11 and seven and there is no way I would leave them alone in a hotel room so that I could have dinner with friends.

The whole advantage of one much older was a built in babysitter.

its not about them being a 'parent' tho its about both children taking a bit of responsiblity? even if one child is quite a bit younger they can still understand they they are being trusted to be responsible whilst a parent itsn there.

obviously its idfferent for a young baby/toddler, but was babysitting from 14yrs, so 'if' we had another baby (not likely) then i would i imagine leave ds1 to babysit his littlest sibling. i do leave him and ds2 and sometimes ds3 on their own to nip to the shop and would leave them aged 12, 10 and 7 in a hotel room, i would maybe use a baby moniter. i have left my youngest two in a hotel room, i was literally a minute away, no further than i am in my own house and with a baby moniter and i and my parents went back and checked on them periodically.

i left ds4 (just 4) at home with ds1 (12) today as i needed stuff from the shops, i took the others with me, but left ds4 as he is a bit spotty and i think it may be chickenpox, so didnt want to take him out! i have also left dd if she was asleep with ds1, again just to nip to the shop but i knew if she woke she would be fine with ds1. it all depends on the indivdual child and the circumstances, at home i have no issues, away i would need to konw the hotel, the size, the time it would take me to get back to them, if the baby moniter would work and if the rooms was childsafe etc. its a judgement call dependent on lots of factors.

adn by the age of 16 i would think i had failed as a parent if i couldnt leave a child in ahotel room, infact i would hugely unimpressed if i couldnt leave me elder two who are 12 and 10, they certanily know how to behave and i woudl explain what to do in case of fire/emergancy etc, by that age they should be able to be left for a few hours in a hotel room, they could watch a film and then go to sleep, they would be fine.

We met friends at a hotel for supper bc (before children) and they had a cot aged child (forget exact age it was a few years ago). they didnt want to bother reception with the listening in thing and wouldnt pay for a sitter. anyway, half way through pudding the fire alarm goes and the management blocked the stairs and stopped our friends from going up to get their baby as it was 4 flights up. friend went ape and whole scene could have been really nasty. it turned out only to be a kitchen fire but it shook me up to the point where i havent left my 3 like this yet. goes to show that anything can happen and it is such a tricky thing to determine for your own kids.

When my eldest was 15 yrs he had to be a babysitter- imagine the embarrassment of having one at that age!

Great idea, Olympicpicnmix! Bet you can't buy them now, but I'm sure I could rig up something similar with chickenwire & then the adults can dine in the room! Sorted!

bogeyface, honestly, tongue-in-cheek chuntering about the other gallivanting off is something we do quite amicably - he's a musician, he's quite often buggering off to play festivals & things, which I grumble about much, much more than he has about this. Equally, I've had several weekends away this year, & I'm off to an all-day gig with a mate this Saturday - it evens out.

We both like going out, we have 3 young dc so it doesn't happen as often as we'd like that we get an evening out together - whoever draws the short straw feels entitled to play the Cinderella card until the other gets bored listening to it & comes up with a solution (or hits them with a cushion...)

It's all good natured banter - if he was seriously complaining about it I'd be the first to tell him to get over himself!

I used the term 'parent/parenting' in the loosest sense and I'm referring to what role the eldest child takes on when being left 'in charge' of younger siblings.
The 'sitter', who ever that might be ( eldest child, employed babysitter, grandparents etc) effectively takes on your role of parent, making decisions that they feel are appropriate in the circumstances they find themselves in.
I would argue that even the most mature and worldly wise of 8 year olds would not be able to make the decisions that a reasonable parent would, then again my personal opinion is that some parents make appalling decisions which affect their children. However this is just my opinion and certainly does not reflect any of the posters on here, since I know none of you.

I agree that children should be given snippets of responsibility, that are age and circumstance appropriate, as this allows them to develop confidence and a sense of maturity. It also allows the parents to 'learn' what the child is capable of and guides the parents to know when is the right time to allow the children to do certain things.

Let's not forget though that whilst there may not be legislation around when you should leave your child unaccompanied or responsible for another child/siblings, there is guidance out there to aid parents in making their decisions.

All this said, we can't also forgot that dues to the chaotic nature of some families some very small children are left to 'watch/mind' their younger siblings. Whilst I shudder at the thought of young children watching younger children, it does happen.

Somewhere in between the polar opposite is a fine line. You need to find what works for you and your family, having taken the advice and guidance available to you and making a judgement based on your own family.

I would never consider leaving my children at 8&4 with anyone other than a responsible adult, either a family member, or a child minder ( who are vetted and qualified whereas babysitters are not regulated). My dp and I would work something out or we would forfeit that time together.
Our approach has been that we are parents first and everything else takes a back seat unless we found a suitable alternative. Yes, we sacrificed many couple outings together, but for the safety and well being of our children it was never an issue for us.
Our compromise was to have friends with out children come to us, sometimes staying over, sometimes not. For
Friends with children we'd alternate between them coming to us and us going to them or we'd choose to socialise in the early evening when our children would be able to join in.

You'll find something that works for you.

I've done similar a number of times, but specifically choose very small places to stay (B&B type places with fewer than 10 rooms) and make sure I have a room as close to the dining area as possible so that (a) I can get to DS in an emergency and (b) my video monitor works so I can keep an eye on him the whole time. I would never do it without a video monitor, and possibly not if DS was old enough to get out of bed by himself. If you're staying in a small place I don't really see much difference to being at home - it's all about risk assessment.

Could you book two adjacent rooms and either use a monitor or tell your 8 year old where to come for you? Than you guys could order room service and have a few drinks in the other room whilst still being pretty close to the children (so no worries about not getting to them if there is a fire etc)? Not as pleasant as a restaurant, but you would alll get to chat and catch up.

Apologies if this has already been suggested and rejected upthread - I haven't read all the posts.

No, I think that's the sort of thing we might do MummyPFT - or just camp in friend's garden!

It's never been an insuperable problem, there's always been ways round it eg: camping; just that my mother's comments to dh made me wonder at what point it becomes reasonable to leave dc to their own devices for a few hours in the evening.

The conclusions I've drawn (for us, other people will obviously feel very differently for their own familes) are:

1. Probably not until the youngest child is of an age we'd be happy leaving on her own. As dd2 is 4, that would be not for a while yet! Not fair on 8 year old ds to be 'responsible' for younger siblings, as per mum's suggestion of leaving him with one of our mobiles. Although I've happily left him reading on his own in a room he & I were sharing during an activity weekend, so that I could have a drink with friends - but our party had booked the entire venue & he was familiar with the layout.

2. Totally depends on venue - wouldn't hesitate to sit out in the garden of a rented cottage; not sure about a small b&b or similar, but would consider it; not at all in a massive multi storey hotel.

Thanks everyone for input, it's been really useful in clarifying my thoughts on this. .

As per the last post-very well said for your situation.

I wouldn't leave my sensible 12 year old in the evening in a hotel

Have you ever tried booking 2 adjacent rooms, Mummypigs? It never worked when we tried it.

really snog why wouldnt you leave a sensible 12 yr old, i also have a very sensible 12 yr old and would leave him, obviously go over safety aspects first and what to do in case of a fire, but i know he would be fine.

but then he got up this morning and went round local papershops to put down his name for paperrounds when he turns 13 and he goes off to town, to visit friends etc on bike or bus etc and he is very capable. i can imagine there are some 12 yr olds that couldnt be trusted, but if yours is sensible as you say i dont see why you wouldnt leave him.

infact my ds1 has just got back from a school trip, they stayed in a youth hostel type place, there were groups of 12 yr olds in each room, some had a room to themselves, most shared and if anything i think a GROUP of 12 yr olds on their own in a room is likely to be more trouble than a solitary 12 yr old on their own in a hotel room!

A sensible 12 yr old would be fine on their own-as long as they were happy to be left.

Exoticfruits, yes, we have two booked for a family wedding later this year in the hotel. They are interconnecting too. We did book as soon as we knew it was taking place though and I am nervous something will go wrong and they will move us and not be able to change so will be ringing regularly to re-confirm nearer the time. We will put DD to sleep in one room and DH/DB/DF/DM and I will take turns babysitting in the adjoining room (assuming, of course, DD (nearly 3 by then) doesn't just decide to stay up and party).

We also did something similar in a Premier Inn recently, although the rooms were directly across the corridor from each other rather than next door. But my experience has been that hotels will be as helpful as they possibly can be to you when you explain the situation.

To be honest though, I really wouldn't be happy going to the restaurant or anywhere further than a few metres away from DD, just because of the risks the OP and others highlight of fire etc.

On a campsite in France this year we were surprised that some people went to the bar/restaurant and left their young children asleep in their tents.

LaQueen - that made me cry! I'm so glad you & DH were there. Those poor little babies - doesn't bear thinking about. But thankfully that kind of thing is rare, I would think.

A terrible story, LeQueen.
I have always requested adjacent rooms in hotels and never got them. I can only think that it was because the double rooms were next to double rooms whereas it would make much more sense to have double and twin alternate.

I wouldn't leave my 12 year old dd alone for the evening in a hotel room due to the lack of security in hotel rooms and increased risk of fire.

I do leave her on her own at home but again not in the evenings.

don't leave them alone. they're children.