to not want to send my daughter to nursery?

[ditsydoll]

My daughter is 3 and has a place in our local nursery school starting in September. I have never really wanted to send her to nursery but put her name down as I felt like I was doing the right thing at the time. I am a SAHM and have no real reason to send her to nursey. One part of me wants her to go to prepare her for school and the other part of me thinks that our children spend enough of their lives in the school system, and why not let her enjoy being little before she really has to start full time school the following September. Anyone not sent their children to nursery? What are your views? Thanks.

There's much evidence tht starting school at six or seven is better overall - but we aren't geared up for that.

dd1 was 5 yrs 4 months and just r ready dd2 was 4.6 not so much

we do expect a lot from little children on starting school imho

I didn't mean literal herding Lemarch, more the processes a child needs to learn to know when they can be an individual and when they have to be part of a group.

There are times for both at school, but easing into those social interactions can be difficult for some children so it's easier to learn it when they're three in an environment with less expectation.

Babyboomers, that might be alright if you have lots of family, groups and other children around, but some don't have that option, and a nursery can be a good place to start.

( at your herd of four though)

There is huge part of me that agrees lemarche. I worry we are making the more able march to the beat of the vulnerable.

Nursery suited me as we are only children both and therefore no cousins, ever, our friends had no small children, etc.

I don't believe the returns are the same for all children, but sadly, I think now that you are disadvantaged by not going if that makes sense.

My 2 ds' only ever did 3 mornings at the most each at pre school, it is one of th reasons I chose a pre school as opposed to a state run nursery. Ds1 then wen to a school at only one other chid from his pre school was going to ( a girl who he didn't play with or even really speak to) but he got on great and made friends quickly. Ds2 starts in Sept at 4.2 years and I have opted for him to do half days until half term as I am not sure he is ready.

The worst thing about it for me rhonda, is that you can only make an educated guess at what it's going to do to your child, whether short term problems will work themselves out over time and become positives.

Same as all of parenting I suppose.

It's all a guessing game...

I see so many children even younger than three she the Childcare is a lifeline.

But the again, Scandinavia tells us five is too young for school never mind three.

How do you balance those competing needs without creating stigma or other inequalities??????????

And yes each child is an individual and I'd have kept dd2 in nursery longer if I could have.

This really puzzles me about Britain -- why a parent at home all day would put a child in nursery.

I had DS at home entirely apart from playgroups and activities until he turned 4 - and then he started at pre-school 1 day a week. Now we're halfway through our academic year, he's going to go a second day a week as well (leaving the other 3 days for playgroup/activities). I have no need to send him to preschool - but he does.
He needs it to learn to be in a school-like environment, with other children and people other than family to look after him. He has absolutely flourished, and because it's a preschool, he's learning stuff as well. I'm hoping that when he starts school next February (at 5) he'll be able to cope well with the transition.
It's also good because he'll be meeting many of the children whom he will end up at school with; so when he does start, it'll be seeing old friends again. :)

I think there is too much pressure to get children into "the system" too early in the UK now - I couldn't have put DS into school this past Feb if I'd wanted to, the rules here (NSW, Australia) are that the child has to be either already 5 or turning 5 before the 31st July (so no younger than 4.6 when they start). And they're quite happy for you to wait another year if you prefer - but DS will be ready when he's 5, it would be purely selfish on my part to keep him home another year.

If your instinct is not to send her yet, then don't. There's not pressure. May be she can start a little later in the school year? I agree, it all starts so early. As a country we're pretty obsessed with early "education". If she's seeing other kids with you, and seems contented at home, I'm sure she's fine.

Don't send her if you don't want to. :)

DS went when he was 3, but it was only Tuesday and Thursday, from 9-11. Last year when he was 4 he went every day for half the day.

He just turned 5 last week and I could send him to kindergarten in September, but I'm not going to. Practically no one in our school system sends their kids if they have summer birthdays, so he would be far and away the youngest in his class. He will go to preschool Monday-Thursday, from 8-11, and then go to full time school next year at 6.

I don't personally feel that all very young children are ready to sit still all day, and I've seen kids slapped with labels that weren't, IMO, necessary.

ditsydoll I could have written your op word for word 2 years ago!. I did send DD on to nursery but wasn't entirely sure I was doing the right thing-she absolutely loved it! I feel it was a great preparation for school and she got to do things we wouldn't have been doing at home eg visits from the police and firemen with their cars/engine, animals coming in from local wildlife rescue centre and making all manner of craft stuff with stuff we don't have at home!. We were lucky in that it was a lovely wee nursery attached to our school and the emphasis is very much on learn through play. I would give it a go and if it doesn't work out you can always take her out?.

I just feel she doesn't need to be sent off to nursery at 3 in a class of 25 or so with a couple of teachers, probably getting less out of being there than she would being at home or at groups with me for a little while longer.

That's very negative OP.

I felt the same as you three years ago when my DS1 was due to start pre-school aged 3. I am a SAHM and did wonder about sending him.

However, a lot of posters think this is "handing him over" to state education, when in my son's case, it was 9am til 11.30 am in term time. We still had days out and went to the park and met friends etc.

However, he completely loved his pre school, which luckily was based in the school he now attends. He is still friends with kids he met there, and I am friends with their mothers too.

It was not demanding and the wonderful teacher was very well supported with about 6 amazing TAs. They did painting, colours, circle time, learnt songs, had a snack and came home again. At Christmas, they did a nativity play that I still treasure the memories of.

I can do so many things with him, but I am not kids his own age, and I cannot teach him how to behave in class of 25 other kids. Nursery/pre school did this and the pleasure it gave him outweighed any initial doubts I had. It also taught him to emulate his peers, which can only be a good thing.

I am not telling you what to do OP, but give some thought to the positive side. I'm glad I did, the rewards were manifold.

my 2 loved going to nursery and like pp it was only from 9-11.30 each day in school term time so plenty of time to do other activities. They chose what they wanted to do and there were different areas, including outside, for them to play. They had playhouses, climbing frames, painting, water play, they planted things, made volcanoes, learned about dinosaurs, did jigsaws, had a snack, circle and song time and then it was home time. It is not like school at all and I would have loved to go there myself!

p.s. shock horror, I am a sahm mum and still sent them! I had time for a quick gym class a shower, maybe a quick trip to the supermarket in peace and then it was time to collect them again.

I felt the same as you OP but still sent my DS to nursery, he has enjoyed it but still feel unsure about wether sending such a young child into a relatively formal learning environment was the best for him. I have mixed feelings about him heading to reception in September, he's only just turned 4.

People around me seem to relish the fact that nursery and reception has really 'brought their child on' and if that's what you want in life then that's fine. Me however can't help but feel our education system here in UK isn't perfect so perhaps phonics at the age of 3 is too much.

That said my son rarely did a full week, I took him out ( telling the staff in advance of course) to visit family, friends or even go swimming, if the staff are honest they accept that a day with Grandma is better for a child than a day at nursery. You are in control, there is no formal obligation to send your DD in every day.

The hardest thing is to accept that the 'socialisation' side of things that everyone raves about relates in large to your child learning to deal with conflict, snatching, sharing, teasing, being told your not my friend etc. I know now that I won't be able to protect my children from this and that it's important life skills. It still sucks though, some children especially those who already had experience of formal group care seem to dominate these interactions and despite having two very experinced and kind staff on hand they cannot monitor every spat between 26 children.

Sorry for waffle could go on..

I think it's perfectly fine to keep a child at home until school starts but just be aware of where their peers may be at. As I wrote earlier my son has had very limited exposure to a structured environment because he's had a nanny and more recently me on maternity leave. Whereas when we met the rest of his new reception I would guess every child had been at nursery or preschool already. I'm sure he'll be fine but it will be a big change from constant one on one attention.

My son will also be the youngest in his class so that affects my thinking too.

My DS went to playgroup 3 afternoons a week at 2.5. He loved it. He then went to nursery for a year, and them into school. I still got lots of time with him. He was only there for a couple of hours and it was brilliant for him. His speech, ability to play alone and with other evolved. Dd is 3 and due to start nursery five afternoons a week. She has been asking to go since she was 2! Our nursery is lovely, I personally know the staff, which makes a difference.

DS is the youngest in his class and one of the top.

But you do what is right for you and your dd, why not keep her home another year?

OP can you not find a local preschool at a church or whatever that will let you be more flexible? Then you could do two or three mornings a week and still have the rest of the time at home? We did that with dd and she really enjoyed it as they did lots of things that we only did rarely at home and had different toys etc.

They almost never did academic things it was all play and art etc.

I agree with Zhen.

If you feel she shouldn't go, don't send her.
Instincts are for a reason.

My son was the youngest in his class too, by nearly ten months in some cases. he his now the top of his class and has been a high flyer since reception.

I am not stealth boasting here, just saying that in our case, he wasn't too young and raved about what he did at pre school, his friends etc. Anything that made him that happy could not have been bad in my book.

I also had no hesitation about taking him our for holidays, family visitors etc as it was only pre school.

It was only mornings in term time and he really benefited from it. I have no hesitation in sending my second son there either.

Congrats YouOld but I can't see how you can credit nursery for that - surely it depends more on the child, your parenting, their environment and a small amoung of chance/luck?

I didn't send DS to school until I HAD to. He was 5, almost 6. (we are not in UK).

He is now 15 and has been the dux (top of the class) every year and is on a scholarship. Not stealth, but obvious boast .

Like the OP, when he was young I felt I shouldn't send him to nursery/daycare even though every single one of his friends was going. I'm so glad I went with my instinct.

I get what you're saying but IME most children absolutely love going to pre-school/nursery. Why not give it a go? There's no law that says she has to stay there if it's not working out. She will most likely love it though. My kids certainly did. By 3 they really seemed to need a bit more than I could give them tbh. If you don't want to do 5 days a week try looking for a pre-school rather than a school nursery. They tend to be more flexible and she could maybe just do a couple of mornings a week.

My ds2 didn't start pre school til April - he was 3.6.
He started when I felt it was right for him, not some arbitrary date beeped n when he was born.
If you want to keep her at home a bit linger then do...you can see how you ans she feel after each half term and review your decision?

It does seem that you are doing plenty of things with her so I don't think that she would be really missing out. There are plenty of little groups you can go along to together that do outings/craft days etc (you probably already do some!)

I agree with others who have said that we start school very early in the UK and I think it is unnecessary. Not because I don't think they shouldn't do anything academic (DS1 learned to read and write at a very early age and DS2 is heading in that direction too) but because I think children benefit from being taught 1 to 1 at that age by someone who knows them inside out and I think if a parent is able to be at home and provide that then they should take that opportunity.