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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that being a fussy eater in someone else's home is actually quite rude?

487 replies

wrathomum · 19/07/2012 19:11

And never even to TRY new things? Or appreciate the efforts of the host (who has multiple food sensitivites) to cater for everyone and try to provide healthy fare? And to not even feel a little bit bad about being fussy?

OP posts:
whois · 19/07/2012 21:25

Oh wow, I've just read some more responses in the thread. So many people with ISHOOOS! Nightmare, to be honest I would rather someone turned down an invitation to my dinner party if they have panic attacks about food. My dinner parties are meant to be fun, not an ordeal. Luckily all my friends seem to be on the normal side of fucking crazy.

yellowraincoat · 19/07/2012 21:26

noblegiraffe, I reckon that if you were to say to your friends that you had severe issues with food and that you'd prefer just to cook for yourself, no one would have a problem with that. I certainly wouldn't.

bogeyface · 19/07/2012 21:27

No I havent missed those posts, but you seem to be deliberately misreading them to make them all about you!

If you have told your host that you have food issues (maybe lie and say its an allergy if it makes it easier) then you should have no worries about anyone judging you because there is nothing to judge.

You seem detemined to be as offended as possible when no one is setting out to offend you. As I have said, people with far worse problems than yours manage to have bloody good social lives, I know as I have paid the bar bill for more than one of the get togethers! That you are constantly saying that you cant do anything without it being an issue says to me that you are MAKING it the issue out of choice.

You have other options, you know you have other options, dont bitch and name call when people dont understand why you wont take them.

Dozer · 19/07/2012 21:28

Bloody hell, all these food issues make me afraid to serve anyone anything.

Maybe will just serve pom bears!

G1nger · 19/07/2012 21:28

noblegiraffe where do you think your problem comes from?

Moln · 19/07/2012 21:29

what is this different style of parenting I wonder.

I'm trying to figure out where I stand on this YANBU or YABU.

I mean I have a SIL who doesn't like fish or any sort of seafood. Fine with that. If there was fish served up she just wouldn't have it (or something else would have been made for her because of awareness)

I also got a sister who won't eat cetain types of meat (ones that are called as the animal) except in certain presentations. However she'll put a massive puss on if it's served up not to her liking - which might happen at Christmas for example 15 of the 16 present like turkey she doesn't = martyr to the cause (dh doesn't like turkey either, finds it too dry, he just eats very little with lots of gravy or has ham). This reaction putting a puss on / slapped arse face is what I'd class as fussy eating.

I've two DCs one who will eat anything put in front of him and another who won't. He's not fussy though, he'll eat it if he's hungry and he doesn't whine if he doesn't want it.

Of course pickiness/fussiness is a first world problem. Do you really think those in Somalia thought "oh i don't like that plumpy-nut. i just can't eat it." then sulked or called people cunts because nothing else was offered?

bogeyface · 19/07/2012 21:29

Dozer if we cant have roast baby then we are not having fried bear!

noblegiraffe · 19/07/2012 21:30

But yellow if someone said that they were having a dinner party and were serving roast chicken (which I like) then why should I turn down the invite just in case they serve something alongside it that I don't like? I assume that my friends aren't like the sort of people on here who think that I should eat the whole lot and instead actually would prefer my company than be so mortally offended at me leaving some stuff that they would rather I stayed at home.

onlymyopinion · 19/07/2012 21:31

wow, what a thread! I don't consider myself fussy but I had an eating disorder years ago, would consider that in the past now and lots of people I eat with don't know about it, I just haven't shared it with them, yet sometimes there are things I just can't eat, and wouldn't be able to try, I have visited countries where food is scarce and yep I ate, but often in private and in my own way, I don't think any of my friends have ever had an issue if I have quietly not eaten what was on offer, and I haven't felt the need to explain all the history of my weird relationship with food. it's lovely to share a meal with friends but the actual eating of what's on the plate isn't the main bit for me, I'm baffled that it's seems to be such a big deal to some people

yellowraincoat · 19/07/2012 21:32

noble, who on earth here has said you need to eat everything? I've stated several times that I really don't care as long as the person eats something and doesn't sit there in a grump because things aren't 100% perfect.

ifeelloved · 19/07/2012 21:34

Just because you're pissed that you can't eat food that you enjoy, dont assume that everyone likes it too, and if they don't they're ungrateful, fussy and rude.

Do you think people with food issues enjoy it? Do you think it's fun going to someone's house, worrying about offending them if you don't like what's served.

Now if someone were to come to your house and say eurghhh this is disgusting, that would be rude.

bogeyface · 19/07/2012 21:34

why should I turn down the invite just in case they serve something alongside it that I don't like

Because you have described your food issues as being so serious that it would be a distinct possibility that everything else on the plate is something you cant eat. Why put your host in that position? Why put yourself in that position? Why not just bloody tell them what you can eat? Give them a fighting chance or stay at home.

musicmadness · 19/07/2012 21:35

Yellow, there is a difference between dislike and can't stand I think. I don't like the taste of onion but will eat that for example, but a mashed texture for me is just not doable. Other people will have different things they feel like that about, and others are lucky enough to not have anything that they really can't stand to eat.

It doesn't matter among my friends, we all have something we can't stand and none of us would judge the other person on it. Some of the posts on here are saying they find it rude if you just quietly don't eat something (Not making a huge fuss which I agree is rude). I'd find them far ruder for judging someone else.

I can also honestly say I don't know anyone with a severe dislike of something that wouldn't mention it to someone new. But that can be tricky as well, if I said to someone I'm vegetarian and don't eat anything with a mashed texture, some would immediately be judging me as really fussy, rude and a PITA, and some would be glad I said something and cater accordingly. It can be very hard to tell how someone will react.

Fairly hypothetical as we in my circle of friends we don't tend to eat at each others houses until we know each other well enough to already know about food preferences.

LottoQueen · 19/07/2012 21:35

I love food and mostly Hoover everything in sight, but if I am providing food for other people, there is no way that I would dump a plate of food shite to them and say Enjoy!!

That would be Bastard rudeness.

However, I would ask if there was something a dinner/BBQ/grub up guest did not like. After that, if they spent time picking the arse out of a well prepared meal that had ingredients that had not been included in a list of likes/dislikes/can't eat/won't eat, it would seriously would piss the fucking arse off me.

celery:food of the devil and what the fuck is the point of it?

CrunchyFrog · 19/07/2012 21:36

musicmadness I don't force him physically, it's just a thing he has to do.

Like when we go shopping, on some occasions I won't decide in advance exactly how many shops we are going to etc. This causes him anxiety, but he needs to be able to cope with not knowing in a safe situation, to learn to cope in other situations.

I did the same with meat, which he refused (including quorn and mushrooms) from the age of weaning until 5 years. Just offered, did not offer alternatives and insisted that he tried it sometimes. Sure enough, after just 5 years of trying, he started to eat chicken, then sausages, and now eats all meat except steak type stuff.

It's not cruel - I saw my mother hold my siblings' nose and pour food in, that to me was forcing. This is a combination of cajoling, reward and has now become routine.

noblegiraffe · 19/07/2012 21:37

Because you have described your food issues as being so serious that it would be a distinct possibility that everything else on the plate is something you cant eat.

No I haven't.

G1nger · 19/07/2012 21:39

lottoqueen celery is a must in much Italian cooking. But just don't try to serve it to me on its own...

bogeyface · 19/07/2012 21:40

Err....yes you did.

If I had to list all the things I don't eat we'd be there all day and then some

LottoQueen · 19/07/2012 21:44

G1nger

Nah.. its cackola.

bogeyface · 19/07/2012 21:45

Celery soup is lush, tastes totally different to raw celery. Its like raw carrot and cooked carrot tastes different.

noblegiraffe · 19/07/2012 21:46

yellow noble, who on earth here has said you need to eat everything?

How about
If it's just "oh I don't like that" then you are rude. You can down something in 5 minutes. I have eaten plenty of things I dislike that people have taken the time and effort and money to prepare for me and I am still alive. (that one was you)

then really, just eat it. It's not that big a deal. (you again)

because that person spent time preparing it and it is rude not to eat it? (you again)

And sometimes when you're an adult, you just have to suck stuff up and accept that doing something you're not keen on won't kill you. (you again)

So now you're saying that you don't have to eat stuff that you don't like, despite all that you've said above?

LottoQueen · 19/07/2012 21:48

Sorry G1nger, what I meant to say was trying to be polite but why bother about the shite? Italian Cuisine or not. Celery. Is. Fucking. Bastarding. Cackola.

Kellamity · 19/07/2012 21:49

I would eat pretty much anything you made me but if you gave me a cup of tea to drink I could't even hold it as the smell of it makes me feel sick.

So I guess if some people feel the same way about some foods it would be tricky. I guess if you were invited round for dinner you would warn the host wouldn't you?

I'm happy with a glass of water Smile

LottoQueen · 19/07/2012 21:49

Oops forgot this one v naughty

yellowraincoat · 19/07/2012 21:49

noble, it really depends on the type of meal doesn't it? A roast, for example, is many different things. Not liking one part of it is hardly going to offend.

If I make a lasagne and then someone decides they don't like lasagne, there's not going to be a great deal else they can eat.

I'd say that was a fairly obvious distinction but I'm sorry if I didn't make it 100% clear what I meant.