to think that being a fussy eater in someone else's home is actually quite rude?

[wrathomum]

And never even to TRY new things? Or appreciate the efforts of the host (who has multiple food sensitivites) to cater for everyone and try to provide healthy fare? And to not even feel a little bit bad about being fussy?

I'm not a fussy eater generally but I am a coeliac and I am intolerant to a number of other foods (clinically diagnosed by the way before I'm accused of being fussy) so the list of foods I can't eat is quite long. It's a nightmare. I hate answering when people ask me if there's anything they need to avoid. Vast numbers of people don't know which foods contain gluten so I'm always wary of sauces and casseroles in case they've used flour as a thickener. I can tolerate small amounts of cheese and butter but not cream or milk. I can't eat much fruit.

Some of my friends are quite foodie and they've found the easiest thing to do is to put food in serving dishes and let me take what I can. They don't judge. There are a few friends that we don't have dinner with now because they insist on plating everything up and get funny if I ask if there's flour in it. They know I'm a coeliac but they think that it's OK to use flour for thickening. They think I'm rude. I think they are rude. I'd love to eat what everyone else eats but sadly some of their carefully prepared meals will make me very ill.

I agree to some extent that it won't kill the majority of people to eat potatoes with butter or prawns or whatever but food is supposed to be a pleasure as well as fuel and a little bit of courtesy from both sides never hurts. I've prepared some meals that people clearly didn't think much to in the past but I'd be mortified if they felt they had to force it down. I'd prefer it to end up in the bin.

outraged most of us with simmerler viewpoints to the op are not talking about people with genuine issues are also not talking about people who eat around things or don't take things that they don't like nobody as far as I can remember has actually stated that they expect people to finish every scrap on a plate, nobody has mentioned anything about people who have a few dislikes but don't turn it into a issue,
the rudeness most of us are talking about is the ones who make a drama the ones who expect disliking 80% of normal adult non aquired taste food, demand that it's catered for state they don't LIKE stuff that they have never tried turn a meal into a issue by sitting there with a face like thunder complain repeatedly that they don't like things.
That is extreamly rude and thinking it is is not an issue

No, penis, I don't mean that. I thought that such pedantry was actually missing the point I was trying to make while remaining delicate.

I would think that certain foods triggering a reaction like that certainly is a digestive issue, given that I was fine before a bout of severe food poisoning.

The mind is a powerful thing, and can cause physical effects. Doesn't mean its not in your mind.

One reason I dislike fussiness is that it makes it harder for people with allergies and medical issues to be taken seriously, they get lumped in the with the seemingly ever increasing picky eaters.

It really is astonishing that something I don't know I've eaten can trigger a reaction that is apparently all in my mind.

I agree with you on that PenisVanLesbian

I get the knowing smile when I explain that I have intolerances. Then I get told that an intolerance is OK as it's not like an allergy. I mean an intolerance won't kill me but an allergy might. So I get cream poured all over the delicious looking strawberries and have to leave them :(

Jin and should you attend a dinner at my house you would be provided with the same meal as everyone else but that meal would have been cooked using gluton free products I would list every single ingrediant and let you check it in advance and politly ask if you see anything on it that you can't eat to tell me so I can adapt it to your needs,I would have also probally spent ages looking for a menu that catered to your needs
if I can do it for my mum who on top of your issue is also vegaterian allergic to garlic can't eat dairy and root veg amonst many other things then I can do it for you

The thing is though, if you do have psychological issues over food, the fear that someone is going to try and talk you out of them is enough to make you a bit truculent sometimes... like going on the defensive before they start on you.

I can say this from my own personal experience - I grew out of it at 18 or so - and from my DD1 who has spent 15 years of her life with PIL saying things like "you wont know til you try it" or "go on you'll love it". They will not accept that it is psychological, a real fear (neophobia) and the more they go on the more stressed she is.

So although I get cross with her if she is rude, it is often after a LOT of pressure and I know where she's coming from.

oh yes and please leave noblegiraffe alone! she very often talks a lot of sense I think

Socknickingpixie you would immediately become my best friend :)

Actually your mum sounds quite similar to me except I seem to be OK with garlic and I'm not a vegetarian any more. How is she with fruit? Root veg are the bane of my life to be honest

I realise that rudeness comes from complaining or pulling faces or whatever, but I don't think everyone on this thread is talking only about that.

It is also being said that people should make the effort to make food that they don't want to eat, and I disagree with that. It's not rude not to eat whatever food you are faced with. It is rude to expect people to eat foood they don't want to just to make you as the cook feel better. Not only is it rude, but it is selfish and inconsiderate.

If people have these food issues of course they should seek treatment, but it's one of those things like alcoholism in that it never goes away completely. There will always be elements of it left over, even after successful treatment. And for treatment to be successful, a huge amount of effort and determination has to be put in. It is not easy by any stretch, and before it gets to the point that it is dealt with, the person has usually suffered quite a lot because of the issue.

I think a little understanding is not hard to give. And it is certainly far more rude to not bother to try to be considerate than it is to leave food you don't want to eat.

See I already find statements like "I can't eat cheese" annoying (appreciate you may not be a fussy type eater at peoples houses though!).

Because there are many many kinds of cheese and they all taste different. There are many kinds of vegetables and they all taste different.
People make food differently so it make well taste better than you remember it.
But it's not about taste is it, which makes it bloody annoying for the cook.

I can't believe anyone puts cream over strawberries at an adult get together. Surely you help yourself from whatever the host's provide?

That would be the normal approach wouldn't it? It's my preferred approach.

However these particular friends have got into the Masterchef style of presentation and we aren't allowed to do anything to the plate apart from coo at how beautiful it looks.

We just don't go any more. We still get asked but I always say we're busy and we'll drop round for coffee and a drink later in the evening.

Jin some fruits she can eat but there are many she can't if I'm aware I have a friend I'm inviting for a meal with allergies or digestive issues i practicly bust a gut to accomadate them I take a weird sense of pleasure from being able to do so I take pleasure that people who have these issues feeling able to eat at my house, I would however secretly feel a bit hurt if the person after approving the ingrediant list then just didn't fancy eating it because it's not what there used to.
Ofcourse I wouldn't say anything and if they picked up on it that would be my bad.

stop serving crap that people don't like - and if you've been a shit host that failed to check with their guests then serve something that is likely to be eaten by most people.

if I were serving and someone didn't like it I would attempt to rustle up something they did

I've got a friend just like you. I feel embarrassed sometimes by the effort she goes to but she says she loves a challenge and genuinely seems to mean it. Her flourless chocolate torte is to die for.

The trouble is that when you have a long list of problem foods it does sound like there's very little you will eat. In fact that's not true but you do have to think outside the box

@ maddening

To a certain extent, I think you are right.

If someone says something like, 'I don't like the smell of it' or 'What's that? No, I don't fancy it' I think to myself You haven't even tried it, how do you know? but on the other hand if they come and say "Oh I'm sorry is it OK if I leave the caulfiflour, I have tried it before and it really upsets my stomach. But sure I'd love some more carrots!" Then to me that would be fine.

I can't stand offal of any kind. Heart, liver, kidney and especially hagis or faggots. I will pure refuse to eat them. On the other hand, I don't particularly like spinach, rocket, kiwi, brussels or prawns but if it's offered me I will eat them to be polite. I have gone back from someones house feeling rather sick after having seafood though because it makes me violently ill. Perhaps I should be less polite. :)

jin if she says that she means it. Please don't feel embarrased chances are she delights in being able to provide a lovely meal for you and understands that you wouldn't be able to use many resterants and as such may feel excluded from many social events.
I expect she just really enjoys spending that time with you

How on earth does me not eating veg make it difficult for someone with an allergy?

As I've said before a fussy eater is not necessarily a person who is rude, there are plenty foodies who are completely obnoxious people.

A lot of you seem to think that just because you like something then everyone else should, or just because you've gone to the trouble of cooking something (without checking first if your guests like it) then they should just shut up and eat it and not make a fuss. My god how rude are you, you sound like a nightmare host.

Before I invite guests to dinner, I always ask if there is something in particular that they don't like, and whether they have any allergies/intolerances. Once they've stated the above, then yes, I would expect them to at least TRY what I've cooked.

I also try not to cook anything too "offensive" (too spicy, unusual meats/vegetables) when I'm cooking for people for the first time.

Despite the above, I've had adults in their 30s:
a) pick pieces of onion out of a stew and shove them to the side of their plate.
b) bypass everything on an Indian buffet (I thought I'd covered every option, spicy/mild, vegetarian/meat) and then sit at the table with a poppadom and a spoonful of yogurt and say "oh, you cook VERY different things to me. I like Mediterranean cuisine".
c) hoover up on canapes (leaving other guests with less than they should of had), despite knowing there were two courses to follow and then leave all but two bites of the main course because I'd apparently "cooked far too much".
d) walk into the kitchen and say "yuck....what's that" - it was a vegetarian pasta bake for a vegetarian (turns out she didn't like vegetables...no seriously).

I find all of the above extremely rude! I know it's no longer considered fashionable to support the "you eat what's given to you" line fed to me by my parents, but people can go too far in the other direction.

You're right gold, it's not just about taste, theres the smell and texture to consider. And why is it so difficult to believe that someone might it like all cheeses or all veg. Must because it's not something you experience doesnT mean that someone else can't.

On a slightly different note, I suffered from horrendous p,t ad a teenager (thankfully I don't now), a woman I used to work with was a completely nasty bitch about it, she just thought I was attention seeking and moody. A few years later, for no reason in particular she started to suffer and actually apologised as she had no idea what it was like and that I wasnt being a spoilt brat.

In short, if you've never experienced something then you don't really know what youre talking about and can't tell those who do experience it that they're wrong

Purple

A - I wouldn't class that as rude unless she made a fuss about the onion
B- d all very rude in my opinion, but that's the sign of a rude person, not a fussy eater.