to think that being a fussy eater in someone else's home is actually quite rude?

[wrathomum]

And never even to TRY new things? Or appreciate the efforts of the host (who has multiple food sensitivites) to cater for everyone and try to provide healthy fare? And to not even feel a little bit bad about being fussy?

I cannot and will not eat ANYTHING with coconut in. Which counts out a lot of curries. Even the smell of coconut makes me gag - I gag when a person who has washed their hair in coconut shampoo walks past. I have vomited when someone has eaten a Bounty bar in the same room as me in the past.

I can't help it, but there is no way on earth I would attempt to go round someone's for a meal if I was told that curry would be served. I would politely decline the invitation, and if I had already accepted, then I would explain myself to them, but get myself out of the invitation easily.

I know myself that it is easy to cook a curry without using any coconut products, but most people don't.

I wouldn't take the risk. I would vomit if I tried to eat ANYTHING containing coconut, no matter how much I wanted to eat it to be polite.

I'm generally the most unfussy person I know, and will try anything once. But if it has coconut in, then I can't. I have vomited after just one small nibble of a homemade biscuit that I hadn't been told contained dessicated coconut.

Doesn't help that I ALSO have a lot of allergies though...can't eat kidney beans, or drink Red Wine or tea (am allergic to tannins), and am also allergic to certain preservatives that are often found in jarred sauces, at home I always make my own, rather than take a risk of anaphylaxis, so I have to check VERY carefully what is being prepared before I eat anywhere.

It's not been an issue for a while though - it is seemingly impossibly for anyone else to cater for the multiple allergies in my family. Despite the fact that I have to on a daily basis.

I have the food allergies mentioned above, DD is allergic to kiwi, pineapple and papaya, DS1 is coeliac, DS2 is also allergic to kiwi, pineapple and papaya, and also to bananas, due to the natural latex in them, and DS3 is severely allergic to Dairy, Soy and Nuts.

I don't bother accepting invites to friends houses for dinner now, I would have to cook an entire meal to take with me, and I might as well do that at home. I am now the default host. And my friends are always impressed with how nice-tasting the food is considering the restrictions placed on my ingredients!

"Erm, because I can't? I am what most people would term a very fussy eater"

Noble, I may have missed it as the thread is fast moving, but do you have medical reasons or just irrational objections to eating certain food?

noblegiraffe Thu 19-Jul-12 20:51:33

"It's not most foods, by the way, and I actually do a good job of making most people think that I'm normal. You'd probably have no idea, so the thought of people possibly bitching about me behind my back because I've not eaten everything put in front of me when I have tried really hard to do something social is not a particularly nice thought."

Well is it or isnt it most foods, make your bloody mind up! :o

my SIL sent her main course back at our wedding and asked to be served something else as she didn't like meat (though she's not actually a vegetarian, otherwise we would have catered for that). It wasn't a great oozing steak or anything and she could have eaten the rest of the plate and just left it on the side. As this was just part of the meal, I doubt she would have gone hungry. I found this to be very childish and attention seeking, given the context.

If cooking for people at home I would always ask whether they have things that they don't eat and have no problem with someone leaving something, but I hate people that make a big fuss about it.

I was a terribly picky eater as child and really teased for it in my greedy family. Since then I still have things that I don't like to eat but have many times tucked into something I really don't like in order not to hurt my host's feelings.

Noble just read your last post and then ask yourself why people may think that

I know why dd is a very fussy eater. Others don't and may assume that she's attention seeking and tedious.

My mother has terrible food allergies. If she eats even a small amount of these foods she gets severe migraines, with vomiting.

The foods are-

Curry powder
Paprika
Most other spices
Tomatoes
Cheese
Cream
Carrots

She also has to be careful with chocolate and about a trillion other things.

If someone invites her for dinner, she is careful to explain all of this to them (after checking about the heating, gas heating gives her an asthma type reaction) and ask if people could just make something plain, eg roast chicken and mash, that type of thing.

She has somehow managed to avoid offence by doing this.

SAgger, if your DD was coming here on a playdate I would expect you to tell me of any issues she has (actually I would ask), and I would cater to them. I would only be judgemental if you didnt warn me, and that would be of you not her. I am sure most people are the same.

Its the lack of warning and then the "oh I cant eat this" that annoys people, how can you cater for a fussy person if you dont know their "fusses"?

Maybe I'm rude but always ask what's for tea if invited round. Dd1 and dd2 have autism and food is a major issue. If they are making something that girls won't eat, I will take something they will for all to share. All my friends know about the girls so understand.

The way to avoid all this aggro is to only have achingly middle class friends who have an almost competitive approach to travel and trying exotic foods etc. Most people I know of that ilk would actually rather poo on the plate than admit something as provincial as not liking broccoli.

What gets me - and I've said this before - is some of dd1s friends who don't like vegetables.

Oh right, says me to their mums, naively, which ones?

Any.
They are NT.

Food in the middle of the table is definitely the way forward if you aren't sure! I'd vastly prefer that as then it's rare anyone would even notice if you didn't take any of one thing.

Bit of consideration definitely works, I can honestly say I have never sat scowling pushing food around on a plate, and I would consider someone doing that really rude, but personally I find meals much more relaxed if it doesn't feel like you are about to really offend someone by leaving something.

There is a pretty thin line between dislikes and mental health issues regarding food I think, I know I have issues in other parts of my life which quite possibly make the food ones worse, but I might not necessarily want to share that with someone so they wouldn't know. Most people here say they wouldn't mind if the person was fussy due to ASD for example, but they might not want to share that information with the host.
I It is probably better to assume anyone who you consider fussy honestly isn't doing it on purpose to piss you off, because the vast majority of people with food issues will wish they didn't have them and will feel really bad if they think the host is annoyed at them.

Maybe family does play a major part though, there isn't a single member of my family that doesn't have at least one food that they categorically will not eat, where as in other families it seems rare for anyone to have that strong a feeling about food.

For what it's worth I really do see why someone with multiple food dislikes would really annoy a host, it's why someone who didn't like one or two things would annoy someone that I don't understand. Particularly if it is likely to be a side dish rather than the main thing.

Well she's 18 now bogey but thanks for the invite I used to just send her with her own packed tea and warned them specifically about the banana thing as it saved on the vomit.

couthy I would have no problem catering for that my only advance request would be is may I borrow your pans as mine may very well have been used to prepare things anyone of you are allergic to.

She would still be welcome, and she wouldnt get a chance at bananas, they last about half an hour after i get home from the shops :o

Alconleigh, both my parents left school at 14. My dad was born on a council estate and my mum was the daughter of a young and impoverished single parent in the 1930s. Both parents ate whatever was put in front of them throughout their lives. That's the result of growing up in poverty, knowing the meaning of gratitude, and having impeccable manners

YANBU. Obviously there has to be a bit of give and take, but I do find excessively fussy eaters a bit irritating. There are foods I really don't like much but I would still make the effort to eat a bit of if someone served them to me. And sometimes trying these foods in new recipes has made me quite like them after all.

Living in France now, the range of foods the average person eats is wider than in the UK, and fussy eating is tolerated much less. I like it, as a rule.

and growing up in wartime shagmund

I agree.

If "Its that or nothing" is a fact and not a threat then you eat "that". At times in my childhood it really was "that or nothing" because although there was other food in the house, it was accounted for, down to the last slice of bread, for another meal.

The MN favourite of "Offer him/her some toast or a yoghurt and some fruit" when a child refuses their meal, was NOT an option. We got offered to eat our dinner or go to bed hungry. I do think that this idea that we should always offer something to children if they dont eat their meal is one of the reasons why fussiness is on the increase.

and yes, before i get flamed, I know that there are some kids that will go a week without food, but they are very rare. Most will skip dinner and then go into their breakfast like a pig at a trough! Teaching that they can have something else whenever the feeling takes them is causing a problem not solving one imo.

I was just being a bit naughty there to attempt to lighten the mood. I feel sorry for people with genuine food issues. It's something I have never come across IRL really, but MN has made me a lot more aware of some of the sensory issues etc, so I hope I would be more tolerant now if I do encounter it. having said that I do also agree there are some tedious fuss pots out there, but I think that often comes down to people being scared at lack of control. again I feel sorry for them more than anything-holidays etc must be so much less easy going etc.

but do you have medical reasons or just irrational objections to eating certain food?

Some of it is psychological for sure, there's no way I could bring myself to eat a fish that still had its head on, for example, or a lobster. I wouldn't eat any seafood (how do you know you don't like it if you don't eat it? Well, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't like poo without having a taste) because the whole look, smell and texture of it makes me shudder. I can't eat fatty meat because the feeling of fat in my mouth makes me want to chuck and I'd probably have to spit it out. Would also avoid meat on the bone for texture reasons.

Some of it is medical. Some foods go straight through me. Like, within 10 minutes. I have found in the past that food I have been reluctant to eat has caused this problem making me wonder if it is a self-preservation thing, or if the psychological issues caused by eating something I don't want to triggers my body to eject it asap, however some foods that I like also do this so I've had to stop eating them. This can be a problem with sauces, some foods I will eat might turn up unexpectedly with a sauce that makes me ill.

Some is simply that I don't like the taste. Berries, for example. Strawberries, raspberries, blackberries anything that ends in berry I really don't like the taste of and will avoid if possible. Dried fruit also ruins many a cake. Wedding cake is vile.

People often say 'oh, you just need to try it like 20 times and you'll like it' which is rubbish. I hate the taste of wine and beer. Socially this is a big problem and I have many a time tried to drink it, to 'get a taste for it' and can't. I simply don't like it so won't drink it.

I think I might be a supertaster and have stronger reactions to food than other people which would certainly explain some of it.

I know somebody who will eat kid type food like nuggets pizza chicken a roast but no veg apart from potatos steak pastys anything from gregs they openly admit the have never tried pretty much anything else the dump shit loads of ketchup over every thing they won't eat fruit or yogerts unless they are choc ones and seriously won't eat anything else.
They don't disclose this in advance they do sit there bitching whilst the real grown ups are trying to enjoy a normal meal think they should be served up an entire chicken and half a bag of roast potatos will dive in to get these items if food is placed in the muddle of the table leaving nothing other than veg and stuffing for anybody else if anybody even looks at them in the wrong way a loud fuss is made but if you don't actually notice just how delicate they are then all hell breaks loose. They are a nt 26 yo adult.
Now that's what I mean by being rude hence why I refuse to pander to it and no longer invite him for any occasion as it's like watching a toddler who only wants to eat sweets or crap

ALcon, vegan middle classers are another thing altogether. I had no idea that dandelion leaves decorated with chive flowers was actually a salad and not weeds until fairly recently :o

I'm not sure growing up in poverty does always mean you are not fussy. My aunt grew up in a family which had very little food and she was admitted to hospital as a child and it stemmed from refusing to eat. She would literally make herself sick enough to be hospitalised rather than eat what was put in front of her when she didn't like the food. My Grandma is rather fond of telling us all this story now but I bet she was extremely worried at the time. I remember as a child my Grandma always told my mum off for trying to force me to eat things I didn't like as when my aunt did it the doctors just told her to give her something she would eat, whatever it was.

Maybe I just have a very strange family! I wonder if there is a fussy gene in there somewhere

Oh and my FIL only eats weetabix for breakfast, bread and butter and plain crisps for lunch and chips or a potato fritter or pancakes for dinner. That really is it. He has never been invited for a meal!