to not like it when people say 'typical boy'

[bejeezus]

AIBU to be becoming increasing irritable, when people say?.

?oh, typical boy!?
?he?s such a boy?
?boy behaviour?
?boys are so different to girls?

It is usually provoked by some unwelcome/less than good ?something?, that said boy is doing

Is it not a bit of a cop-out? Or are boys really different to girls? I appreciate that hormones must play a part?

But I don?t like it

I probably don?t like it because I have dds; one is cuddly and compliant, the other is a lithe mass of energy and activity. She never stops moving (at approx. 100mph) and she never stops chatting

And where does that leave her/us? And other high energy girls?.

It seems to give a spectrum a little like this;

Quiet Boy > Typical Boy > Typical Girl > Naughty/difficult/high maintenance Girl?

I know that all these ?typical boy behaviours? are not necessarily naughty/difficult/high maintenance?.but that is certainly when the phrase is uttered

I say it but only in relation to the interests/hobbies they have developed. I have 2ds and dd. The boys are 'typical' in that one is engine obsessed and one is sport obsessed. Dd loves dance, singing, drama, any kind of performing arts really. They were all showing these likes by 18 months so yes I think gender does make a difference to their interests.

It doesn't necessarily make a difference to certain personality traits. I know plenty of noisy girls and quiet boys. In your case op I would probably respond with 'Well dd is not a typical girl' said with a lot of pride and watch how people fall over their feet to agree how wonderful that is.

Our Yr R teacher (my DS1 is 5) worked with a theory that boys have a cycle of hormones. She said it was roughly two hourly at school they'd go through quieter and more physical behaviour.

So if they needed to do something 1-2-1 with a boy that needed concentration they'd wait until the time was right for the boy within that two hour window rather than expecting a boy at the top of a bouncy cycle to be able to come and sit quietly to concentrate on a task.

This is what I mean by understanding.

What a lovely post bluegrass. Serious question, are you a philosopher or psychologist by trade because you write with great insight.

Or perhaps you are just a deep thinker by nature [could be either male or female imo ]

But this thread has got me thinking...

I had a friend's little boy over for a playdate the other day. Both he and my DS1 are 3 years old. At one point when it was getting particularly boisterous between them [it was raining and I couldn't throw them out into the garden] I decided to put the tv on for them. Dora the Explorer came on. My DS said "I like Dora" and my friend's little boy said "I don't". I asked him why and he said "Because Dora is a girl"

I thought this was quite depressing that a child of this age had decided that the entertainment was not for him because it depicted a girl and a female experience [supposedly]. I imagine this is one result of rigid ideas of gender stereotyping, that certain interests and behaviours are boy or girl specific and thus not for everyone.

This is very limiting for both boys and girls.

Mmn, I have 2 of each and from my experience girls are just as physical as boys, or should be encouraged to be sporty and competitive.

However boys now grown up were far easier to deal with on an emotional level, my boys seemed to accept 'orders' while ky girls want to know who, why, where, when. Etc.

Also my boys couldn't give a stuff about gossip but the girls are mines of information about school.

Still all different and generally I agree not gender separating...

I have two DSs. I do notice them getting surges of testosterone where they just seem taken over by an assertive energy. I do know that 4 yr old boys in particular can have a big surge which can lead them to get into superheroes and pirates etc. I do think that on the whole boys do have a more rowdy form of energy but that's comparing an average boy and average girl, of course there are quieter boys and rowdy girls, of whom I know loads. I do have to say, choceyes, your theory falls short on my boys who adore to sit at the table and draw, colour and make things for a good hour or so (they are 2 and 4). I know that's pretty unusual (and I feel quite lucky!) but then they get giddy and we have to go out for a walk whatever the weather to run off some energy, or just just end up wrestling on the sofa!

I wouldn't personally find that depressing WillNeverGetALicence. My DS can say things like that sometimes, like "pink is for girls" etc, and he is 3.8yrs and they say things like that sometimes, because they overheard it at nurseyr or whatever. He still likes playing with dolls and prams, watches Everything's Rosie, reads books about princesses, wants to wear his sister hairclips (although DD hates hair clips!) etc. When he comes out with some gender sterotype nonsense, like oh that's for girls, I don't make a big issue of it and try and force it on him. It's not a big deal and not an indication of their dislikes and likes in the future.

I did at this woman the other day at the toddler group who said she would never buy a pram for her DS even though he wants one. I piped up saying that my DS loves his pram I bought for him! She ignored me for the rest of the session!

Oh god, that constant presssure to be "typical". It starts the day you're born, and continues throughout your life.

MrsJamin - I am jealous! My DS likes doing stuff with playdough and using scissors, but not keen at all on drawing or writing. He can't hold a pencil properly either and when I try and show him, he gets angry, so I've left it for now. My DD who is not even 2yrs yet, absolutely adores all this stuff and holds a pencil beautifully!

theonewiththehair

I shant be giving the message to my dd (or anyone else) that she is 'not typical'!

Awful!!
My boys are quite gentle but I hear it said a lot to excuse awful behaviour

Yy to the poster that said it needs addressing if we want nice men to become part of our society

I think it's disingenuous to suggest that boys/ girls, men/ women have no differences apart from the physical. I doubt most women fell for their husbands simply because of their genitals! There is a yin and yang aspect to male/female relationships which heterosexuals find pretty appealing (and I speak as someone whose DH is in many ways far from a stereotypical male).

I have a dd and two ds and I can tell you no-one conditioned my dd to love crafts, dolls and putting on girly plays with friends at every opportunity. I have never been known to do any of those things! And no-one conditioned ds2 to pick up a car as his first toy and to remain besotted with anything with wheels ever since. In fact, with an older brother with autism, dd has been his main playmate and influence and he could not be more different in his interests. He's jumping off the sofa as I speak, pretending to be Spiderman, and as he has only just started nursery and only has female friends, it would be very hard to argue that he has been conditioned that way.

It is interesting because every research done on mixed gender children, shows that both genders are as physical, but those around the child tend to encourage girls to nurturing/calm down and boys to be active.

This happens often without adults realising it. I have watched this in the Children's Centre and found it to be true. This is set by the age of 5, so no hormones at play.

There have been numerous studies involving the use of camera's.

What annoys me more is the norm being set as what is classed as male interests/behaviour and fairies, being gentle, described as pathetic, weak.

I've been pondering this too, I'm hopefully going to find out about 'stong girls/gentle boys' next week on a course/talk.

My DH is gentle, kind, nice and so considerate so it's my mission as a mother to make sure my boys turn out the same way.

What I found depressing choceyes was the contemptuous way "that's for girls" is often said. And this particular 3 year old boy said Dora was for girls in a derisive tone, not a longing "I wish I could like that/be like that but's it's only for girls"... iyswim.

It is a message he has absorbed from somewhere and as a feminist I found it a bit disturbing.

thanks for the book reference youlllaugh

yes op - this drives me mad too - I have known mums to literally stand watching my DD racing around - and say wistfully " oh girls are so good they just sit there and play with dolls"

My DD also plays with all toys across the spectrum and hardly plays with dolls at all!

But its boys who come off worse with this stupid sterotyping, girls say proouldy " i was a tomboy" ( who wasnt, and we werent boys we were GIRLS) but what boy proudly puts his hand up and says " I was a nancy boy, i loved dolls and sewing"????????????????

why dont " people" get it - there is no sterotypical boy or girl!! Girls race around too and wont sit down and like to play fight!!! Some boys are bookish and gentle!

ON paper my DH compared to his DS are the wrong gender, one is agressive banker - plays rugby, no interest in family or anything the other is sensitive, loves babies and children!

I do belive there are differences betweeen the sexes but running or being lively or liking a dinasour or a doll are not them.

elizaregina - your DH is an aggressive banker who plays rugby and has no interest in family or anything [else?]

Sorry to sidetrack thread but I was quite struck by this description.

Leave the bastard!

i do belive there are differences betweeen the sexes but running or being lively or liking a dinasour or a doll are not them.

Well put.

Birdsgottafly

This happens often without adults realising it

Absoluty - its EVERYWHERE.

I have constant arguments with a freind over how her boy is so much harder and monkey like than my girl.

She always always talks about boys in one way and girls in another. Thankfully i see her rarely as I would not want her constant comments brainwashing my DD.

we went to a musuem once, she was already there with her DS, he was " playing in the dolls house", my DD ran in, and didnt notice the dolls houses, she just ran round, and my friend says " I think this musuem is more for girls than boys. "

She/people can be that blind.

I almost wanted to grab her by the neck and show her her son " what is he doing, look !! LOOK!!!".

My DD is a great climber, man comes up to his son who is older than DD stuck on a rope thing " NOw son, dont start winging like a girl"

I wanted to grab him by the neck too - " LOOK !!! LOOOK, can you see a girl here???? what is SHE doing? She is NOT winging she is climbing, your BOY your son is winging...like the person he is!!!!"

Nusery first day " so what does she like playing with?"

" at the moment its train tracks - she loves assembling them and trains, adores the animals"

Huge shock " OH REALLY? does she have older brothers?"

NO!!! She just has a broke mother who buys or gets whatever toys she can from freecyle and chairty shops!Be they pink and girly or blue and boyey!

I do belive there are differences betweeen the sexes but running or being lively or liking a dinasour or a doll are not them

what do you think the differences are?

I have 2 boys. According to my family, both are "typical boys."

One is so quiet he's basically silent, and much concerned with books and computers. That's a typical boy.

The other is a whirl of busyness, never shuts up talking at volume, constantly running, climbing and destroying. He is also a typical boy.

DD is a typical girl, too. I am very clever, producing such archetypal specimens.

One thing parenting has taught me - people talk prejudice-confirming shit at every opportunity.

I have three boys, and people say this to me (and I catch myself saying it ) all the time.

I think the first thing to note is that very often people don't really mean it, in the sense that they are not really aware of what they are saying. They are making conversation and small talk and on that level it is inconsequantial. It is simply something to say, a conversational opener or stop-gap. This isn't always the case, but I think it very often is.

What is dangerous, though, is the way that these conversational fillers become internalised and we (and the children who over-hear them) start to believe they are true. As an example, when I am out on my own with my sons, SO many people will make comments like 'Oooh, you've got your hands full!' or 'You've got your work cut out there!'. They are just making conversation but they are doing it on the basis of appalling internalised generalisationa d assumptions, and it does affect how my children feel about themselves. When we were out one day, my eldest (then 8) said to me "Mummy, it must be very difficult for you when you have three children and they are all boys". It broke my heart :( People are making my sons feel as though they are a problem, and I hate that. They do drive me nuts a lot of the time, obviously, but they are far from being a problem - they are wonderful!

It is a very very difficult thing to stop doing, though. It is almost an automatic thing to say, in the same way that it is almost automatic to tell a little girl what a pretty dress she is wearing as a conversational opener. And I kick myself every time I do that too.

Pirate Ref Handsful - People will say it to you when you have a girl in the mix too - it's just a standard thing to say to anyone with three "young" children whether they're boys or girls. Not necessarily just about having three boys.

Yep. The amount of stupid, patronising comments I have had about my boys. I wouldn't dare say something similar to a mum of girls, but sometimes I am so tempted to say something about "bitchy hormonal girls" but then I'd probably get a lecture about stereotyping from the girl mums who do this about boys.

Megalosaurus yes, I'm sure you're right, but there is usually the prefix or suffix of 'Woah, three boys!'.

What also gets me, is the nudging and winking about 'could be worse' and imagine what the teenage years would be like if they were girls. I hate feeling manipulated into colluding in and perpetuating the idea that teenage girls are a 'nightmare'. Why are they? Parenting is complex for both girls and boys throughout their teens. I hate anything that would make a teenage girl feel that she is a 'nightmare'. As though life's not hard enough.