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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want DH to put my toddler back in nappies

111 replies

superdry · 17/07/2012 20:17

I have recently gone back to work for a few months whilst DH look after the 2 kids. Before i went back to work about 3 months ago I started potty training 2yr DD, who is now just over 2 and a half. ie no more nappies. He is getting increasingly angry that she keeps wetting herself and she seems to be regressing and wetting herself more and more. He wants to put her back in nappies which i think is a bad a idea, but gets really angry when i say so, pointing out that i am not the one dealing with the wet knickers, and the puddles of piss, which is true, but I have done it for years in the past. I think it is all part of parenting and think he is being impatient and affecting her with his anger and frustration, any ideas??

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 22/07/2012 21:54

You don't get the crappy bits all the time because it takes energy to work up the sort of head of steam and the malice that results in being shouted at and abused.

mathanxiety · 22/07/2012 21:57

And abusers are fundamentally lazy. That is why they pick on whoever is handy, be it wife, children, pets.

As long as there is someone unable or unwilling to remove herself the abuser will go on abusing. Your DDs are completely trapped when he is in charge of them.

That is also why they do not change. Takes commitment and real work.

Journey · 22/07/2012 22:14

If you've been trying for a few weeks and she is constantly wetting herself then she isn't ready for it. Potty training can be done in a few days if you get the timing right for your child. Too many accidents means the child isn't ready.

PooPooInMyToes · 22/07/2012 22:21

I think unless he gets help immediately and takes it very seriously you should split with him, as the abusive language is already transferring from you to the children.

The man clearly has issues and you can't solve that but he can.

If he was willing to get help NOW then you could see how it went.

I have some experience of anger management and it worked amazingly. I was desperate to change and i have. I know on here posters often say that angry men don't change but if i can then they can, they just have to be willing.

PooPooInMyToes · 22/07/2012 22:32

Also, i was very aware that my behaviour was awful and the damage it would do. If he is not, or thinks he is entitled to behave like that then you are fighting a losing battle.

Bossybritches22 · 22/07/2012 23:00

I agree if she was ready to be dry it would happen in a week. Forget it & put nappies on but encourage her to use the potty everytime before putting a new one on.

She may be picking up on his hateful attitude, the failure to potty train can be a sign of insecurity.

You have asked him to get help & he hasn't, it may take you throwing him out to bring it home to him it needs sorting.

You should stay where you are in the house, let him leave.

PooPooInMyToes · 22/07/2012 23:25

no, i don't know if he will ever change, he is talking about leaving now, - 'if he's as abusive as i say he is, he might as well leave' etc - is his argument

He's probably trying to get you to say "oh no don't leave, you're not abusive" etc. Don't play that game.

I would imagine you have become desensitized to his shouting and name calling but believe me, it is not acceptable to talk to another person like that and you don't have to put up with it.

So i would reply "yes you are abusive and i won't tolerate it for either me or my children"

I would make it clear that he must get help immediately.

As i said before though, if he thinks he is doing nothing wrong you will not be able to teach him that he is.

candr · 23/07/2012 21:45

I hope things have calmed down for you a bit and you have had the chance to have a proper discussion with your DH about things. Sometimes if you can get him to listen and you listen to him and you are both honest the real reason for behaviour comes out and can sometimes be solved. It is really hard to do but if you have lots of good times that are worth saving then you need to work on the bad stuff. I agreee it is not as simple as walking out and giving up. People can change. Set out some expectations for eachother and help each other follow them. A long as your DC are happy and healthy and like being around their dad then it may be worth trying to fix things. He must know that names can be more damaging when they have a serious meaning behind them. Good luck with what ever decision you make.

springydaffs · 23/07/2012 22:09

hmm candr - people like this don't change. they've already had the talks and the heart to hearts and the promises and the blah blah. nothing has changed. because nothing is going to change.

if he's ticking all the boxes in the bancroft book then, boy, you're in trouble OP. burying head/sand - yes. You've got to get out.

here's a very likely future scenario: your girls will marry men who treat them the way your husband is treating you (it is actually likely they will choose somebody with the same traits as your husband, but worse). Your sons will be like their father. and you're holding on to/being a martyr in this marriage because? this is not a worst-case scenario - this really is how it goes

mathanxiety · 24/07/2012 02:06

'A long as your DC are happy and healthy and like being around their dad then it may be worth trying to fix things.'

That is patently not the case.
He is angry and abusive towards the OP.
The children are stressed out and miserable and showing it.

mathanxiety · 24/07/2012 02:53

Another scenario -- he flips one day and injures the DD after an accident. Wouldn't be the first time a caregiver lashed out at a toddler.

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