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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DH to put my toddler back in nappies

111 replies

superdry · 17/07/2012 20:17

I have recently gone back to work for a few months whilst DH look after the 2 kids. Before i went back to work about 3 months ago I started potty training 2yr DD, who is now just over 2 and a half. ie no more nappies. He is getting increasingly angry that she keeps wetting herself and she seems to be regressing and wetting herself more and more. He wants to put her back in nappies which i think is a bad a idea, but gets really angry when i say so, pointing out that i am not the one dealing with the wet knickers, and the puddles of piss, which is true, but I have done it for years in the past. I think it is all part of parenting and think he is being impatient and affecting her with his anger and frustration, any ideas??

OP posts:
BuntinoonsAndJubileespoons · 17/07/2012 20:40

He called her what?!?! Shock. If my husband called my child that, he would no longer be my husband. Angry

Original poster
superdry · 17/07/2012 20:42

I think you are right, he is looking after her and should do what he feels best, I just have to learn to relinquish control, but its kinda hard when i was doing it for 4 years - but nappies it is then!

as for the name calling I have asked him not to call her a retard, but he says she doesn't know what it means, but i think she gets the intonation, ....but I have absolutely no control over what he does any way

OP posts:
Quip · 17/07/2012 20:42

setting aside the name calling I think YABU.

If there was a post: my DH thinks my DD should be potty trained, she's evidently not ready and pissing all over the floor all day; he's out at work not dealing with it and I have to deal with her and another one: everyone would think it unreasonable.

If your DH is doing the bulk of the childcare perhaps he has a better idea than you of when your DD is ready to potty train.

smoggii · 17/07/2012 20:47

If my DH called my DD a retard he would be out on his arse so fast he wouldn't know what hit him. YABU for allowing your DH to speak that way about your child.

thisisyesterday · 17/07/2012 20:49

if he is calling her a retard to her face I would have a MASSIVE problem with that

well, I'd have a pretty big bloody problem with him referring to her as that, but actually saying it TO her is a gajillion times worse.

that would actually be a deal-breaker for me. It stops or he goes

Softlysoftly · 17/07/2012 20:50

Sorry he didn't just say retard to you he says it to her???!!!!!

That's abusive he needs his arse absolutely kicking, and it will affect her ability to feel she can do it. For the child's sake put her back in nappies so she doesn't end up with issues or will he abuse her for other things too??

On the question dd has been in and out of nappies twice as she wasn't ready as was stressed at the accidents. Last week she took her nappy off and went to the loo, no accidents since. So I'd be inclined to agree she's not ready.

Idlegirl83 · 17/07/2012 20:51

"but I have absolutely no control over what he does any way"
...but you do have control over what you do and what you will allow your daughter to have to live with. Please don't think that she does not understand that it is a horrible name to be calling her. Animals don't speak English but they can detect from the tone of the voice when a human is angry/disappointed/ashamed of them.
What a horrible man your husband is.

Original poster
superdry · 17/07/2012 20:51

DH was happy for me to start potty training, obviously now i am the one to blame cos not working!

he is a great father apart from the anger and the name calling,

and Smoggii, the name calling really upsets me, but am not sure how you get someone to stop name calling apart from actually leaving them

OP posts:
whosgotmyhairytoe · 17/07/2012 20:52

Sweetheart my dads used to call us retards, little bastards and little shits all the time and my mum allowed this and stayed with him. Made me hate my dad and hate my mum even more for putting up with it.

Seriously damaged my self esteem, there is absolutely no way you can justify him calling a child a retard. I've lost the plot with my son believe me but I do not call him names.

thisisyesterday · 17/07/2012 20:53

"he is a great father apart from the anger and the name calling"

did you really just say that?
My mum grew up with a father who had a real temper and called them names. She is 60 now and you can still tell.

I am not generally one of the "leave the bastard" brigade, but this would seriously be a dealbreaker for me.
You can't let her be treated like that

whosgotmyhairytoe · 17/07/2012 20:54

I actually think I'd put up with cheating more than I would someone calling my child a retard.

smoggii · 17/07/2012 20:56

I absolutely would not accept my DH calling my DD a retard and if he refused to stop after i called him on it, I would leave.

I appreciate though that everyone is different and not everyone feels as i do, but I am of the view that words like 'Retard' are words of abuse and that is not acceptable to me.

Original poster
superdry · 17/07/2012 20:56

re the name calling, i think he believes he's being funny, but i am really uncomfortable with it, and yes i have thought about leaving him, but alot of the time he is really nice and the eldest DD absolutely worships the ground he walks on

OP posts:
Sirzy · 17/07/2012 20:57

This is about much more than potty training, I think you really need to think long and hard about if this is what is right for you and your children in the long term.

fairyfriend · 17/07/2012 20:58

He is NOT a good father if he gets angry with a 2 year old and calls her a retard for wetting herself.
He is a cunt.
And it worries me that you think he is a good father. What on earth would constitute a bad one, in your eyes?

I honestly think the ins and outs of potty training are completely irrelevant here compared to this.

thisisyesterday · 17/07/2012 20:58

oh well that's ok then Hmm

whosgotmyhairytoe · 17/07/2012 20:58

Maybe you should show him this thread.

Original poster
superdry · 17/07/2012 21:00

the 'good father' term comes from the fact that he is not generally angry with them, any more than most parents might get angry at their kids, his anger is usually directed at me

OP posts:
LadyInDisguise · 17/07/2012 21:01

he is a great father apart from the anger and the name calling,

Err... NO he is NOT a great father. Name calling is very damaging to children, even when they are 2yo because, unlike what your DH thinks, the DO understand what it means. Perhaps not down to the fine definition of the word but they will know it is a put down.

but I have absolutely no control over what he does any way
Yes you do. You can talk to him, explain (even though that should not need explaining tbh...). You can take him to see a counsellor together (a child counsellor for example or a a more general counsellor that will help you two deal with this issue). You can have some friends/family involved that will tell him how bad it is. Or, if anything else fails, you can leave him.
But saying nothing on the ground that 'you can't control him/make him change' is the worst option. By not doing anything, you are in effect saying you are agreeing with him that it's OK. You are also telling your dcs that it's OK for their dad to put them down.

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan · 17/07/2012 21:02

there is no big deal in being in pull ups. (i would not go back to nappies) if it means a less stressful life for dd and dh then why not. you ewill be less stressed too.

it soiunds like she was not fully ready to be trained anyway if she was having several accidents. keep on with the going on the potty thing and relax about it. the more relaxed everything is the more likely she is going to be able to do it when she is ready. 2.5 is still little for these things. gps/consultants have all said that 3.5 is still with in the normal range.

however calling her a retard is totally unreasonable. that is more a pproblem thatn whther she needs to be in nappies, puullups or pants.

he could take her to the clinic and get advice to put his mind at rest.

oh and as far as I am aware being potty trained early/late does not necessarily correspond to a childs level of intelligence.

Original poster
superdry · 17/07/2012 21:02

whosgotmyhairytoe, you have got to be kidding, he would probably spontaneously combust!

OP posts:
smoggii · 17/07/2012 21:02

Well then you need to have a very serious conversation with him...it's not funny.

Sorry Superdry, because I think this thread might get nasty, it may all be out of context and he may be wonderful in other ways, only you know how big a deal this is in your relationship but to me it would be a massive deal.

The word retard is so negative, so horrible and incredibly offensive...to most people, you might want to let him know that.

LadyInDisguise · 17/07/2012 21:03

the 'good father' term comes from the fact that he is not generally angry with them, any more than most parents might get angry at their kids, his anger is usually directed at me

A good father doesn't get 'angry' with his dcs but also doesn't get angry with his wife either.
The fact that you have been thinking about leaving him is telling me that he is far from being a good husband.

mathanxiety · 17/07/2012 21:03

'he is a great father apart from the anger and the name calling'

No he is not, unless wearing trousers and being called daddy makes someone a great father.

I am very worried about this man's level of anger and I fear your DD is in danger in his care
I am not saying this lightly.
This is not a normal reaction to the ups and downs of dealing with a potty training toddler.

The blaming, the name calling -- this is not normal. The use of language like 'retard' for his own child indicates disengagement, coldness and a huge level of hostility. Not normal and in fact dangerous. He has crossed a lot of lines to have arrived at the point he is at now and he has left 'acceptable behaviour' far behind.

He needs to get a job and you need to send the DD to a CM if you need to work.
If you are able to afford it, get the DD to a CM even before he goes back to work.

smoggii · 17/07/2012 21:05

just saw that you said his anger is usually directed at me

I think you know that this means it's only a matter of time before it gets directed at them. In fact i'm guessing that it is when you're not there by he way your child is suddenly needing nappies again.

He sounds like an absolute dick