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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DH to put my toddler back in nappies

111 replies

superdry · 17/07/2012 20:17

I have recently gone back to work for a few months whilst DH look after the 2 kids. Before i went back to work about 3 months ago I started potty training 2yr DD, who is now just over 2 and a half. ie no more nappies. He is getting increasingly angry that she keeps wetting herself and she seems to be regressing and wetting herself more and more. He wants to put her back in nappies which i think is a bad a idea, but gets really angry when i say so, pointing out that i am not the one dealing with the wet knickers, and the puddles of piss, which is true, but I have done it for years in the past. I think it is all part of parenting and think he is being impatient and affecting her with his anger and frustration, any ideas??

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 17/07/2012 21:07

His anger is usually directed at me

You know this is all wrong.

What you don't know is what goes on when you are at work.

Children don't regress as your DD seems to be doing unless they are stressed and unhappy or ill.

You need to get your child to a place where she is safe, and then you need to look at the relationship you have with this man, and figure out if it is salvageable.

Original poster
superdry · 17/07/2012 21:07

mathanxiety, i truly believe he would never ever hurt his childen and alot of the time he thinks DD2 is adorable, but perhaps he is a little jekyl and hyde with his feelings

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 17/07/2012 21:09

Please don't put your head in the sand here. He is telling you loud and clear who he is and what he is capable of.

whosgotmyhairytoe · 17/07/2012 21:11

To be honest I think that if you are afraid to show him this thread and say hey husband, look how many people think that you're seriously out of order, then you have a problem.

HowamIgoingtogetoutofthis · 17/07/2012 21:13

I am in the process of leaving the bastard for similar behaviour OP. I feel like such a horrid person. But the children come first. So needs must.

fairyfriend · 17/07/2012 21:15

You are making excuses for him because it's easier than dealing with the issues. You are as bad as he is, for allowing him to treat them like this.
a lot of the time he thinks she is adorable ????
Parents love their kids all of the time. They may be frustrating at times, but they should always be loved.

Have you ever been called a retard OP? By someone in a position of power who is 3 times your size? Because I think I'd be wetting myself in that situation too.

Iggly · 17/07/2012 21:18

Just how bad do people have to be before they're called bad fathers?

He calls his own daughter a retard? His own child? Fuck me.

I have a 2.9 year old and could never do that. And if DH did?! Hmm

It doesn't matter if your dd worships the ground he walks on. People love their parents generally no matter how crap they are.

OP, why on earth are you going back to work and leaving your poor daughter in his hands?

Retard?! If anyone called me that, I'd be seriously pissed off. To call a baby that is disgusting.

Original poster
superdry · 17/07/2012 21:19

She does seem oblivious to the word retard at the mo, but I worry it goes in her saubconcious, but yes in general he is an abusive man, but to me, not to them, so I stay partly for that reason, they have a dad that they love and family that is together and happy a lot of the time

OP posts:
whosgotmyhairytoe · 17/07/2012 21:21

I just don't think people realise the damage these things can do.

I grew up with a name caller who had a temper, I then moved in with an even worse name caller with an even worse temper because I thought that it was normal and that's how people spoke to eachother, unfortunately this name caller was also a hitter.

Having been away from all that for over 4 years I cannot imagine people calling eachother retards especially young children and if somebody called me or my child that I would be horrified.

whosgotmyhairytoe · 17/07/2012 21:23

Sweetheart I don't mean to sounds harsh because I've been there done that but if only you could understand how you sound.

Tell you what you're going to have fun and games when your dd starts nursery and school and calls another child or a teacher a retard, because she will.

Iggly · 17/07/2012 21:23

Bollocks. He's being abusive to your daughter.

Would it be ok to call her a cunt? A bitch? A twat? As long as she didn't understand the word?

How would you feel if she repeated the word in front of friends or family (which she will if she's anything like my DS)? How do you explain that one?

And what makes you so sure he's not being abusive to your children? 2 year olds can push buttons.

I worry for your DD and your sanity quite frankly.

littlebluechair · 17/07/2012 21:25

You're wrong, kids don' need to know the meaning of the words, they can understand from the tone and the way it is said and expression. She knows he is displeased.

You sound like you are minimising. I;m sorry, but from what you've posted, your kids would be better off spending a lot less time with him (and so might you be too).

All kids love their parents, kids cannot distinguish between good and bad parenting, but bad parenting damages children. Everyone gets cross with their kids, not everyone calls them horrid names.

mathanxiety · 17/07/2012 21:30

Your DDs are taking it all in and it is affecting them in every way possible.

If he is abusive to you they know, they absorb it all, and they miss nothing.

Abusive to mum = abusive to the children because they see your example and become afraid. It changes who they are to live in a home where abuse is taking place.

And it is affecting your DD in her potty training. Truth will out, and your DD is telling you what is going on here with her own difficulties. Little children wet themselves when they are terrified.

The meaning of the words is immaterial. The feeling behind them is a universal language; even small babies can understand every single bit of it.

Original poster
superdry · 17/07/2012 21:34

I know you are all right, it is wrong what is going on, but I have asked for it to stop time and time again, I have asked him to go and see someone About his anger, he went to a hypnotherapist for 2 sessions, but did not work, have asked him to go and see a specialist in abuSive men, saw him once but said he need to dedicate 12 consecutive weeks to a course of therapy which he can't do at the mo coda of summer hold etc,

But yes you are all right, but when you are in the situation, it's pretty difficult to find the strength and gumption to get out, but I think the kids are fine

OP posts:
holyfishnets · 17/07/2012 21:34

I think she is not ready and you should leave her in nappies for a few more months, then try again. Why force her to nappy train when she isn't ready when in fact she will do it very quickly when completely ready? If she isn't ready at 2 and 9 months, try again at 3, then again at 3 and a bit. Don't make it such a big issue.

hazeyjane · 17/07/2012 21:35

Being abusive to you, is being abusive to them, honestly.

You don't want them to grow up seeing you being treated abusively. And if you think you can hide it from them - you can't.

hazeyjane · 17/07/2012 21:37

I know how hard it is, but if you have any family or friends or allies who can support you, then it will be worth it. You think your kids are fine, but they aren't and they won't be, not if you are being abused by your dh, their father.

Iggly · 17/07/2012 21:39

Your daughter is regressing. You said so yourself. So she is not fine.

My DS is in pants now. We have accidents if I forget to remind him but that's it. If he regressed, something must be up.

Listen to your DD. how's her behaviour otherwise?

Original poster
superdry · 17/07/2012 21:39

That's just the thing, it is hidden from them, he has called me every name under the sun, but never in front of them

OP posts:
Iggly · 17/07/2012 21:42

Does he shout? Throw things? They'll hear that.

Do you have arguments which remain unresolved? They'll pick up on the tension.

I'm going to step away now as this thread is upsetting me.

Idlegirl83 · 17/07/2012 21:43

"In general he is an abusive man, but to me, not to them, so I stay partly for that reason, they have a dad that they love and family that is together and happy a lot of the time"

Please do kid yourself that they only see the happy side - kids aren't stupid, they take in so much more than you realise.

My happiest Christmas as a child was the one after my abusive (to my mum) father had left a couple of days before. I was a small child and yet I knew they weren't happy and that my family life was tense and always on edge, waiting for an eruption from him.

Idlegirl83 · 17/07/2012 21:44
  • don't
hazeyjane · 17/07/2012 21:44

But how long can that go on, Super? It will be less easy to hide things from them as they grow older.

It's not just about what goes on behind closed doors, they are growing up in an atmosphere of anger and hurt - your hurt, that can't be good for them (or you! What about you in all this).

fairyfriend · 17/07/2012 21:47

But he calls her a retard. That is not hidden from her. Why are you kidding yourself?
You need to get your children out of there. They are not fine. They are not happy. They are living in an emotionally abusive situation and they will suffer for it. They will grow up with low self esteem, possible MH issues and believe that they deserve to be treated like shit as that is how their mother was treated by their dad. The fact that they love and adore him will only make it harder to deal with.
And then they'll marry abusive bastards and start the cycle all over again.
You can stop that happening, but you need to get your head out of the sand and do something.

Original poster
superdry · 17/07/2012 21:52

I have to go now as am no longer alone, but am much interested in what people have been saying, yes head is in the sand, this has got to stop,

OP posts: