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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DH to put my toddler back in nappies

111 replies

superdry · 17/07/2012 20:17

I have recently gone back to work for a few months whilst DH look after the 2 kids. Before i went back to work about 3 months ago I started potty training 2yr DD, who is now just over 2 and a half. ie no more nappies. He is getting increasingly angry that she keeps wetting herself and she seems to be regressing and wetting herself more and more. He wants to put her back in nappies which i think is a bad a idea, but gets really angry when i say so, pointing out that i am not the one dealing with the wet knickers, and the puddles of piss, which is true, but I have done it for years in the past. I think it is all part of parenting and think he is being impatient and affecting her with his anger and frustration, any ideas??

OP posts:
cantspel · 17/07/2012 21:54

I wouldn't be with a man that calls anyone a retard let alone their own child.

You need to get out of this relationship and if you cant do it for yourself then do it for your children.

ErikNorseman · 17/07/2012 21:57

This is bloody horrendous
Your children are being damaged by this man. And you are minimising it for an easy life. Awful.

mathanxiety · 17/07/2012 22:53

Suoperdry, when you get a chance, come back.

Putting an end to it is hard and it will involve action on your part, not trying over and over to get him to change, but you have quite a bit going for you that many in your shoes do not.
You have a job for starters.

There are a few things you can do, and it is important to do them, moving forward step by step.

You need to look at a CM for the DDs right away.
You need to urge and encourage the H to get back to work. Grit your teeth and say whatever it takes, ego boosting wise, to get him to start looking.
You need to talk with Women's Aid and seek individual counselling via WA or someone else they recommend, maybe do the Freedom Programme -- with someone else taking care of the DDs and not the H.
You can read a book by Lundy Bancroft, 'Why Does he do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men'
You need to talk with a solicitor. Many do a free half hour.

Once the H is back at work he will be considered self supporting. You don't want to end up paying him spousal support and most of all you want to avoid having him claim he is the primary caregiver to the children just as a way to get at you.

mathanxiety · 17/07/2012 22:53

'Superdry', sorry...

sashh · 18/07/2012 06:13

Could you compromise and use 'pull ups'? That way it doesn't matter if she has an accident but can still use the potty.

2rebecca · 18/07/2012 08:18

He sounds like an abusive idiot, but it sounds as though your child isn't ready for toilet training. Generally if they are ready within a fortnight they are dry during the day. If it takes months and then there are frequent accidents then her bladder isn't ready, put her back in nappies and take the pressure off for a few months.
2 1/2 is the average age but I don't see any advantage in making her repeatedly fail at something she obviously isn't ready for.

LadyInDisguise · 18/07/2012 08:27

I stay partly for that reason, they have a dad that they love and family that is together and happy a lot of the time

The thing is, children pick up, not just on words but also on 'vibes'. They will know your DH has been calling you names, being abusive even if they don't see/hear it directly. They will know you are sad, hurt etc... when he is treating you like this.
it's not like they are completely shield from all that.
Actually it might even be worse because they will know but won't know what is going on which can be even more scary.

Also remember that, in a few years time, you might still think they haven't hear anything but they will be at the top of the stairs listening to him putting you down/insulting you etc...

Your family can not be happy if he is acting like this with you.

LadyInDisguise · 18/07/2012 08:29

Note: Children will ALWAYS love their parents.

Even children suffering the worst abuse from their parent will love that parent.
It is in part a survival instinct (as a young child, you need the parent to protect/feed you) and 'bad attention' is still better than no attention at all.

It doesn't mean that it's not hurtful and that they should be subjected to it.

pigletmania · 18/07/2012 09:49

I think that you should just put her in nappies and just do it when is is more ready. It does not sound as though she is, she is only 2. I tried 3 times when dd was 2, but gave up and put her in nappies, tried again when she was 3 and it was so much easier, as her understanding was a lot better and she had more control over her bladder. The name calling is dreadful though, and you should not allow him to do that, don;t just accept it as the way he is

Original poster
superdry · 22/07/2012 08:35

hi mathanxiety

not sure if you will read this now as have been offline for a few days, but you suggested reading Lundy Bancroft, 'Why Does he do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men', which i already had, the trouble with books like that they describe a problem, they don't give solutions, like explaining why a cranky car is not working properly and not giving you ways to mend it, i know DH is an angry man, he fits all the descriptions in the book....but apart from splitting up this family, there is nothing i can do to change it, only he can do that, an i live in hope that one day he will - like his father did before him......

OP posts:
LadyInDisguise · 22/07/2012 08:43

What if he doesn't change though? What if he finally does that but it will have had devastating consequences for you and the dcs?
Do you now what made his dad change? What was the trigger for him?

I agree that only he can change. But he won't if he doesn't think there is nothing to loose by staying put.
And you also have to take into account the effects on the dcs. re they worth it? Are the benefits of staying really outweigh the effects it has on them?

If you already had the read the Bancroft book, things must already be bad :(

TandB · 22/07/2012 09:04

I was all ready to agree with 5gomad and others about waiting a while and having another go - we did this and just waited until he said he wanted to use the toilet and he was completely dry within a week - day and night. LeQueen suggested this approach and I was dubious but it worked!

However, your subsequent posts make it clear that the nappy issue is pretty much irrelevant. This man is not a good father. Good fathers don't call their children names and don't regularly get angry with their wife and children.

TrudiRed · 22/07/2012 09:32

I haven't read all the posts but from reading the first page I would say that maybe you dh has a point. IME when a child is ready it doesn't take 3 months to get them more or less completely dry in the daytime. Have you considered that maybe your dh is right? Maybe your toddler is getting stressed because they simply can't do what you are asking them to do yet - hence they are seemingly regressing? Your child is very young - this is not a race (contrary to what some parents think!) Most people will have a few false starts with potty training. Its not the end of the world. Its certainly not something to cause your family to fall apart!

lovebunny · 22/07/2012 09:40

he called her a retard? why are you still with him?

he isn't an appropriate person to look after your children, whether he's their father or not.

hazeyjane · 22/07/2012 12:40

Trudi, I'd read the rest of the thread, the family falling apart will not be about the potty training.

Super, I think if you are waiting for your dh to admit he needs to change and take the necessary steps, you have to face up to the fact that it won't just be you who suffers, your children will too.

Original poster
superdry · 22/07/2012 12:43

well, i told him i thought his behaviour was abusive towards the children, and his shouting had to stop and he got really really angry, nearly cried, won't talk to me and now and he has stormed out, so i have to spend the day on my own with the kids....so happy families!

OP posts:
jellybeans · 22/07/2012 12:44

I would put her back in nappies if there are several daily accidents. This happened for over a year with DS3. But when he was truly ready he had no accidents at all.

hazeyjane · 22/07/2012 12:47

super, do you think ge really will change?

People tell themselves this for years and years, and in all that time their lives and the lives of their children are eroded.

Please don't do this tp yourself or your children. You can take steps to get out of this, you have come on here and talked about it, and that is a start.

Do you have family, friends, anyone who can help you and your children?

Original poster
superdry · 22/07/2012 16:05

no, i don't know if he will ever change,
he is talking about leaving now, - 'if he's as abusive as i say he is, he might as well leave' etc - is his argument

as for family and friends - i don't really let on the full extent of it, cos i don't want them feeling sorry for me etc....besides, i don't physically have anywhere else to go

i know everyone seems to advocate, leave leave leave - but its a very harsh and hard decision to make, when life is in general ok, with just a few crappy bits to put up with

OP posts:
HeadfirstForRomance · 22/07/2012 17:26

On the nappy front, if she has never been completely dry then she isn't ready to be out of nappies. when they are ready potty training can be fully completed in a week.

However I don't think this is your real problem as others have said :(

mathanxiety · 22/07/2012 21:14

Superdry there is another Lundy Bancroft book called 'Should I Stay or Should I Go? A Guide to Knowing if your Relationship Could or Should -- be Saved'

You have a very angry man on your hands.

I know making a huge change is hard to contemplate, but he is not going to change, and actually, with his talk of leaving now he is testing you to see how much BS you will accept from him because you have challenged him. He has raised his ante and he is trying to call your bluff. What he wants you to do is back down and understand what your place is.

For him, to back down and accept that you have authority in your home alongside him is the same thing as being completely defeated. The way he sees it, he either has you under control or you are controlling him. There is no middle way, no mutuality. There is one winner and one loser and he will fight using any means necessary to be the winner.

mathanxiety · 22/07/2012 21:16

'i don't really let on the full extent of it, cos i don't want them feeling sorry for me etc....besides, i don't physically have anywhere else to go....'

'when life is in general ok, with just a few crappy bits to put up with...'

Please get that other Bancroft book.

Sad

You are between a rock and a hard place, but you need to make some hard decisions, for both your own sake and the sake of your children.

mathanxiety · 22/07/2012 21:16

You should hint at the full extent of what you are dealing with to family and friends. You will be flabbergasted at how much they know.

Floggingmolly · 22/07/2012 21:42

It depends on whether she was completely trained and has now regressed, or has been having accidents for the last three months. If it's the later, then she's not actually ready for potty training and you're just banging your head against a brick wall. Put her back in nappies and wait till she's ready.

MagicHouse · 22/07/2012 21:43

You should hint at the full extent of what you are dealing with to family and friends. You will be flabbergasted at how much they know.
Completely agree. Your post made me sad, because I could have written so many of the things you wrote (e.g. life is ok most of the time/ he is a good father apart from the anger). I DID leave. I look back now and I was in such denial. Leaving was traumatic/ difficult/ unbelievably stressful. Coping with it and moving was the hardest thing I have ever done. But it was the BEST thing I did. It also sent out a huge signal to my kids (I believe anyway) that behaviour like that is NOT acceptable. This was so important to me. My life is incomparably better. I feel alive again. I laugh a lot again. I think that is so much better for my children.
I know how difficult that decision is though. But at the very least look hard at your situation, stand your ground and insist something must change for the sake of your DD.