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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DH to put my toddler back in nappies

111 replies

superdry · 17/07/2012 20:17

I have recently gone back to work for a few months whilst DH look after the 2 kids. Before i went back to work about 3 months ago I started potty training 2yr DD, who is now just over 2 and a half. ie no more nappies. He is getting increasingly angry that she keeps wetting herself and she seems to be regressing and wetting herself more and more. He wants to put her back in nappies which i think is a bad a idea, but gets really angry when i say so, pointing out that i am not the one dealing with the wet knickers, and the puddles of piss, which is true, but I have done it for years in the past. I think it is all part of parenting and think he is being impatient and affecting her with his anger and frustration, any ideas??

OP posts:
poppycat04 · 17/07/2012 20:18

I think you're right. She's most probably picking up on his mood. Part of the deal, he needs to get on with it..

poppycat04 · 17/07/2012 20:19

Plus going back to nappies will just confuse her.

stillorsparkling · 17/07/2012 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mrsjay · 17/07/2012 20:20

his annoyance might be making her wet herself maybe an idea is to get him to back off and support you tell him you will wash the pants if he is going to be arsey about it your dd was doing well putting her back in nappies will be a step back, was she having accidents before you went back to work ? or was she dry mostly all of the time, her dad sounds impatient and grumpy he needs to chill out

ThisIsMummyPig · 17/07/2012 20:21

You are right - I had a similar thing with my mother and DD1, but at least that was only one day a week.

He is telling your daughter that he doesn't trust her to do a grown up thing. I can't see how that can help any of you in the long run.

smoggii · 17/07/2012 20:24

He needs to start listening to your DD. If she was out of nappies for 3 months then she can do it so if it's gone wrong now then i'm sorry but i don't think she is the problem.

It might be that the change (you going back to work) was unsettling for her so a few accidents would be likely. If he didn't handle those very well then it's not surprising that she is regressing as she may have lost her confidence.

Was DH included in the original training, if not it may be that she didn't feel confident letting him know she was ready for the toilet and you might need to revert to an earlier stage in the process (pull ups for outings maybe?) but putting her back in nappies seems like going too far back and she will hate it. Wanting to do that seems like a lazy reaction to some setbacks.

cansu · 17/07/2012 20:27

I think you wold find that if you were the one at home he would not have this view. Do has all sorts of great ideas until he is at home and then these ideas remarkably change. If she had started to make progress he needs to continue, but will need to be less stressy if she is not to pick up on his feelings about it. If she was not making much progress then maybe you need to assess together whether she is ready or not.

candr · 17/07/2012 20:27

You both need to be on the same page. The fact you have said 'your toddler' says that it is you against him. You need to make him aware of the fact that you know how annoying it can be potty training but he must realise that his impatience is regressing her achievements. Can he be more organised ie. pile of clean underwear and 'mop up towles' handy plus a bag of spare clothes on buggy or in car for when he is out and about. Let him know you are trying to make it easier but he needs to put in the hard work too and stop being selfish about it.

yeahbaby · 17/07/2012 20:28

he gets as much say as you.
if he feels that she wasnt ready then why doesnt he get to have his opinion heard?

fivegomadindorset · 17/07/2012 20:31

I am going to go against the grain, she is still young, children regress, she has had a change of main carer, bung her back in nappies for a month, encourage her to use the potty, but don't get stressed about it and try again soon. Just let everything settle down. The fact that you are all stressed about it is not helping.

Mrsjay · 17/07/2012 20:32

Because yeahbbay she was progressing fine with toilet training he is annoyed at her wetting this isnt an equality parenting problem this is a little girl regressing and a positive way to go forward is to keep trying and trying to resolve it without parents falling out the op is trying to listen to her husband but wants their daughter to continue with her toilet training and not put her back in nappies

Original poster
superdry · 17/07/2012 20:32

she has never been completely dry but i thought we were getting somewhere and yes DH was a part of it, although it was my instigation. So now he is blaming me for starting potty training too soon and calling her a retard! So I feel awfully protective of her, however I only have 4 more weeks to go, but it does mean I will have to stop potty training all over again...

PS. stillorsparkling', i said 'my toddler' cos I am writing this, not me and DH! but yes you may have highlighted a deep crack in our relationship!

OP posts:
Mrsjay · 17/07/2012 20:33

He called her a retard Shock

Sirzy · 17/07/2012 20:33

I think I agree with five. How well was she doing with the training before you went back to work?

Hassled · 17/07/2012 20:34

What fivegomad said. Your DH and you need to find a way to work together - but she is still young, things are obviously unsettled for her - maybe giving her a month in nappies and trying again when she feels more ready is the way to go.

Sirzy · 17/07/2012 20:35

If after 3 months or more of training she still wasn't completly dry most days then surely she isn't really ready? DS is only a week into training but has had no accidents for the past 2 days (crosses fingers this lasts!)

yeahbaby · 17/07/2012 20:35

or Mrsjay, continuing with this when the child may not be ready might make the wetting stage go on for longer and cause her upset. it is already making her parents argue which isnt good.

thisisyesterday · 17/07/2012 20:35

i think he is right,

if she is still, after 3 months, having frequent accidents then it's likely that she simply is not ready.

if he is the one mainly looking after her then I think it's really up to him how he looks after her isn't it?
I would be none to pleased if DP started telling me what I could and couldn't do with the kids while I took care of them Confused

let him use the nappies, wait a month or 2 and then maybe try again

littlemisssarcastic · 17/07/2012 20:36

When you say 'she has never been completely dry' how many times is she wetting in a day?

As for calling your DD a ret**d Shock Shock Shock I have no words at this moment!! Shock

Mrsjay · 17/07/2012 20:36

what about pull ups for when she goes out and pants for in the house I dont think she is that young to potty train tbh but she might regress try and find a compromise and HE Needs to work on his patience and the name calling of his child ,

yeahbaby · 17/07/2012 20:37

altho i may disagree with you over the potty training, i think he is a total wanker for name calling.

thisisyesterday · 17/07/2012 20:38

let's not try and assume we know what he is like with the child during the day.

people are saying his attitude might be making her wet herself. I think that's highly unlikely.
he may be completely calm with her during the day, and just angry when he has spoken to the OP about it.

you can't really second-guess that from what OP has said.

my kids were all potty-trained within a week or 2. If I was still clearing up puddles of wee after 3 months I would definitely have thought that they were not ready and would have tried again another time

Dramajustfollowsme · 17/07/2012 20:39

He is calling her a retard. That is awful. She is probably picking up on his bad feeling and getting stressed about it. I think you need to persevere as she may well take a bit of time getting used to daddy being around instead of you. He doesn't sound like he is helping at all.
If you put her back in nappies and he is calling her names I can't imagine that it will do her self-esteem any good.
Was he happy to start potty training in the first place or did he not think she was ready right from the start?

whosgotmyhairytoe · 17/07/2012 20:39

For calling her a retard then to be completely blunt I would not be with this man anymore.

On the toilet training if she has never been completely dry then it sounds as though you did start her too soon. I don't particuarly believe in toilet 'training', I believe in showing a toddler how to use the toilet and encouraging it but only going from my own experience it can be very upsettinf for a child to have wet pants every day and if they are ready it wouldn't take that long. When ds was ready he was dry in a week with no accidents as he had enough control over his bladder. There's no big rush and starting a child too early can actually prolong it all.

fivegomadindorset · 17/07/2012 20:40

Absolutely a wanker with the name calling.

DS was like this, he thought he was ready, we thought he was ready, he had accidents daily for a month, we stuck him back in pull ups for about 6 weeks I think and then had another go and he never looked back.