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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think we shouldn't have to pay their train fare?

125 replies

PhlipPhlop · 17/07/2012 13:33

DH and I have an 11 month old daughter together. DH also has 2 older children by a previous wife, they are now 20 and 25.

His relationship with both daughters has been very strained throughout their lives (since way before I came along). When we first met we both made a real effort with them but it was very one-way and they made no effort back. A few years ago there was a massive fall-out and both daughters became estranged. The 20-year-old came back into our lives about 18 months ago. She is still a uni student and DH still sends her money every month. She rents a flat with her boyfriend (who works), they live at the other end of the country.

She has expressed a desire for her and her boyfriend to come and stay with us for a weekend to meet DD, and we fixed a date for it. They have a car and drive, but are unwilling to drive so far. She said they'd get a train and we said we'd pick them up from whatever station they ended up at.

It transpires that the train fare for both of them will be £350. DH texted her to say he would understand if she couldn't make it and we would arrange for her to meet DD another time. She thinks we should pay the £350. I don't agree.

Am I being a right cow? We can ill afford £350 at the moment. But my perception is slightly coloured by the fact that I was generally dreading the weekend if I am brutally honest.

OP posts:
caramelwaffle · 17/07/2012 13:35

Where are they travelling from? Switzerland?!

Point them in the direction of the Young Persons Railcard.

LindyHemming · 17/07/2012 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bagelmonkey · 17/07/2012 13:36

Maybe they should look at off-peak fares. £350 is a crazy price to pay!

Coconutty · 17/07/2012 13:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fruitysummer · 17/07/2012 13:37

No you are not being a cow.

She's a bloody cheek.

Original poster
PhlipPhlop · 17/07/2012 13:38

I must admit I do wonder if they're just making it up so they don't have to come (or can have £350 cash and then cancel on us!). How do I check prices?

£350 is mental isn't it?

OP posts:
Shutupanddrive · 17/07/2012 13:38

YANBU, why the hell should he pay especially for the boyfriend

Original poster
PhlipPhlop · 17/07/2012 13:40

They said they can't do National Express as it takes too long, and they need to take certain trains. This is all because of his job and uni I suppose.

We had a similar thing with the elder one a few years back and spent a load of money to get her here (much more than £350!) and it ended in disaster. I think I'm clouded by that as well.

OP posts:
CanISawItOff · 17/07/2012 13:40

YANBU it sounds like they're rinsing him for whatever they can take, presumably with the mothers blessing.

Your DH should stand up for himself and say that whilst he'd love for them to meet their sister he has found a ticket for x price and is happy to buy it for them but isn't paying 1st class travel for them! Which it sounds like they're asking for at that cost.

Sounds like you're better off without them in your life.

wfhmumoftwo · 17/07/2012 13:41

I don't think yabu. I could understand perhaps a little if it was just his DD travelling, but you definitely should not have to pay for her boyfriend!
If you can ill afford it then don't pay it.
I have a great relationship with my dad, but at that age i simply would not have expected this. He may have offered to contribute but there would be no expectation at all.
What is the reason for the estrangement? Has their mother been clouding their judgment towards their father?

poppy1973 · 17/07/2012 13:41

I would go onto trainline and look at ticket prices for the two of them. If they are really reasonable then book the tickets for them and send them recorded delivery down to them.

If they aren't interested then you will have a idea about whether or not they just wanted the £350 to pocket themselves !!

caramelwaffle · 17/07/2012 13:41

Railway enquiries

They'll get a third off prices with a Young Persons Railcard

Even cheaper

They can get a discount card for the coaches also.

CanISawItOff · 17/07/2012 13:41

As an alternative do they live somewhere you could take a holiday near by and spend a couple of days out of the holiday with them then the rest of the time is yours? You could easily holiday for that kind of money in a b&b or similar

edam · 17/07/2012 13:42

Call National Rail Enquries or go on their website for costs. £175 each is extortionate but rail fares can be hugely expensive if you want standard open and book late. BUT they don't have to do that - coach or specific train with young person's railcard and shopping around (try thetrainline.com) all help.

Don't blame you for turning pale at £350 - that's a LOT of money to expect!

sugarice · 17/07/2012 13:42

Bloody hell £350 Shock. If you can't afford it that's the end of that but I wouldn't pay that even if I had the means to.

merrilymay · 17/07/2012 13:42

Offer to pay half? Though i don't see why you should pay for the boyfriend.

Or could they fly? Or you go visit them?

Speaking as someone with a pretty distant relationship with my own dad, I do think it is worth putting the effort in now, before it's too late.

TheEternalOptimist · 17/07/2012 13:43

Even living at the other end of the country - I flew to London from Scotland recently for £30.

yellowraincoat · 17/07/2012 13:43

Ridiculous.

Can't they fly? It's normally cheaper.

FluffyJawsOfDoom · 17/07/2012 13:43

National express! Or book way in advance for cheap fairs and use a Young Person's railcard - they can manage it cheaper than that.

edam · 17/07/2012 13:44

CanISaw, that's a huge assumption and quite nasty. The OP didn't say anything about her dh's first wife - why on earth do you jump to the conclusion that she's a witch and this is all a plot? Perhaps you should take a moment to think before you condemn other people that you know nothing about.

GnocchiNineDoors · 17/07/2012 13:45

Good old Megabus.

Please, please even if DH decides to pay, send the tickets not the cash.

Or, meet then half way and have a weekend away.

FairhairedandFrustrated · 17/07/2012 13:45

Complete madness!! No train journey (from north to south of Ireland) has ever cost me anything like that!!!

meboo · 17/07/2012 13:45

Just to add a perspective on the prices, my husband travels from east anglia to london and then up to newcastle, his fare each week is iro £350 return, standard class.

nymeria · 17/07/2012 13:48

I doubt it's true that they can't use National Express, it may not be convienent for them, but then it's probably not convenient for you to hand over £350. I would also be surpised if they couldn't get cheaper train fares if they booked in advance, got railcards and travelled off-peak, sounds more like they haven't bothered to find a cheaper option as they expected you/DH to pay for it anyway.

No way should you feel obliged to pay, if they're adults and working.

Birdsgottafly · 17/07/2012 13:50

This is the line that sums it up for me, tbh.

When we first met we both made a real effort with them

Who is we? Their father?, he should have been in their lives and he and you should be the one's bending over backwards for his children.

Look at cheaper fares, but personally, i would pay £350 to try to have my children back in my life.

Has he always contributed well to their upbringing and bought them occassion presents?

Do they feel as though he owes them? This sort of thing is usually about unhealed hurts, in adult children, not about the here and now.

He should be putting his children up.

You are treating them like casual aquaintances.

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