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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think we shouldn't have to pay their train fare?

125 replies

PhlipPhlop · 17/07/2012 13:33

DH and I have an 11 month old daughter together. DH also has 2 older children by a previous wife, they are now 20 and 25.

His relationship with both daughters has been very strained throughout their lives (since way before I came along). When we first met we both made a real effort with them but it was very one-way and they made no effort back. A few years ago there was a massive fall-out and both daughters became estranged. The 20-year-old came back into our lives about 18 months ago. She is still a uni student and DH still sends her money every month. She rents a flat with her boyfriend (who works), they live at the other end of the country.

She has expressed a desire for her and her boyfriend to come and stay with us for a weekend to meet DD, and we fixed a date for it. They have a car and drive, but are unwilling to drive so far. She said they'd get a train and we said we'd pick them up from whatever station they ended up at.

It transpires that the train fare for both of them will be £350. DH texted her to say he would understand if she couldn't make it and we would arrange for her to meet DD another time. She thinks we should pay the £350. I don't agree.

Am I being a right cow? We can ill afford £350 at the moment. But my perception is slightly coloured by the fact that I was generally dreading the weekend if I am brutally honest.

OP posts:
Original poster
PhlipPhlop · 17/07/2012 14:53

He has already decided. I put that in my OP (perhaps that was not clear, apologies). It is HER who thinks we should pay, not him.

OP posts:
Original poster
PhlipPhlop · 17/07/2012 14:55

Am reporting this now. Sorry to those who may want me to see their slating (INCORRECT) opinions of me because I won't.

OP posts:
mrsscoob · 17/07/2012 14:55

So what are you going to do then have you decided? Are you going to say yes, no or try and find another alternative?

HandMadeTail · 17/07/2012 14:56

I think you should pay. By all means see if there is a cheaper alternative, and pay for that.

Your step daughter wants her father to meet her new partner.

She will be meeting (for the first time?) her baby sister.

Put on a happy face, and try your hardest to make the occasion a success.

yellowraincoat · 17/07/2012 14:56

Gosh, OP, there's really no need to have a strop.

You've had plenty of sensible advice here.

Original poster
PhlipPhlop · 17/07/2012 15:02

FCS when did I say we wouldn't pay ANYTHING AT ALL and when did I say I wouldn't put on a happy face?

Anyway reported so hopefully deleted soon. Also hidden.

OP posts:
Ormiriathomimus · 17/07/2012 15:02

Wow! That is expensive. is that really the only ticket they can get? Perhaps you could contribute something towards it rather than paying the lot.

Itsgottabebags · 17/07/2012 15:12

National express often have bargain fares if they book via the net and by bargain I mean really really cheap. Also try megabus.

KellyElly · 17/07/2012 15:15

Reported? Why? Don't post in AIBU is you just want everyone to agree surely. I've posted on this forum before and sometimes people agree, sometimes they don't and sometimes they are kind of rude. I can't see anyone who has been particularly rude to you on here, just disagreed.

blondiedollface · 17/07/2012 15:17

Book tickets for them and send them to her? If you don't mind paying a much cheaper price...

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 17/07/2012 15:20

YANBU

She is an adult with a boyfriend who works, I don't see why you or your DH should have to pay for their travel. I think it's really nice that your DH sends her money while she's a student, I hope she appreciates that

lottiegb · 17/07/2012 15:23

I think it's lovely that she wants to come and to form some relationship with her half sister. While you're not obliged, it would be a nice gesture to pay her fare. £350 is a lot for a weekend though. Is there any way you could re-schedule and book ahead for a much cheaper fare?

I didn't expect my dad to pay for me to visit in adulthood (flying to another country) but was pleasantly surprised that he did. It contributed to making it easy for us to maintain a good relationship and just avoided money being an issue or potential barrier. He wouldn't have paid for my boyfriend but was happy to host him. I once split my paid fare with my bf so we each paid half and he could afford the trip.

Especially if previous visits have been tricky I can understand her wanting the moral support of the bf, as you and your DH have each other. Also, her wanting to introduce him / acquaint him with you is a good sign.

AThingInYourLife · 17/07/2012 15:30

I would pay her fare, but not that of her working, adult boyfriend.

I can't get my head around what kind of bloke he must be to be willing to accept that his girlfriend's father should meet the cost of his travel.

TheEternalOptimist · 17/07/2012 15:35

Don't flounce off this thread. You have had just as many supportive posts as you have ones accusing you of being the stepmother from hell.

There are always going to be posters who disagree with you, particularly on Aibu. No reason to ask to have the thread deleted.

MrsHuxtable · 17/07/2012 15:36

Tbh, I think it's normal that parents pay their student childrens bus/train fare to come home and visit. The parents profit as well from seeing their kids and I have never heard anyone complain about it.

I do think, however, that the boyfriend should pay his own fare, having a full-time job and all that!

mrsscoob · 17/07/2012 15:47

This reply has been deleted

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SmaugTheDragon · 17/07/2012 15:49

YANBU! Cheeky buggers, why on earth should you pay for them? She is an adult, rents her own flat and has a boyfriend who works! If they can't afford the train fare, they can't visit. In your shoes, I would refuse to pay.

TheEternalOptimist · 17/07/2012 15:53

Well, quite Smaug. (you are not Soupy, are you?)

When I was 19 I moved abroad. It would never have occurred to me to ask my parents to pay our airfares home to visit. And that was a hell of a lot more than £350.

picnicbasketcase · 17/07/2012 15:55

FWIW, I don't blame you OP, it is a lot of money that they are choosing to spend on a train journey that they have chosen not to do in a car. They are both ADULTS, haven't been cut out of their father's life, have been well provided for and are still getting money despite OP and her husband being under no obligation to do so anymore. I absolutely would not pay for it.

I love AIBU but people really do use it for a fight sometimes even when there's no reason.

kilmuir · 17/07/2012 15:56

Offer topay half of hers. He can pay his own.

OlymPicture · 17/07/2012 16:01

I can't believe the flaming you have got on here OP.

YANBU to not want to fork out that amount of money on two grown adults.

Totally different if it were the two DDs wanting to visit whilst they were still at school.

Offer to pay her fare but not his

Yeahthatsnotgonnahappen · 17/07/2012 16:04

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GooseRocks · 17/07/2012 16:05

They are adults. However the DD is a student. Personally I think that makes a massive difference. Boyfriend is taking the piss though.

I do think there is a bit of testing of Dad and Stepmother going on here. From OP's posts she's rising to the bait fairly spectacularly.

MonkeysNuts · 17/07/2012 16:08

£350 is total bollocks. Where are they travelling from and too?

MonkeysNuts · 17/07/2012 16:08

to.