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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think we shouldn't have to pay their train fare?

125 replies

PhlipPhlop · 17/07/2012 13:33

DH and I have an 11 month old daughter together. DH also has 2 older children by a previous wife, they are now 20 and 25.

His relationship with both daughters has been very strained throughout their lives (since way before I came along). When we first met we both made a real effort with them but it was very one-way and they made no effort back. A few years ago there was a massive fall-out and both daughters became estranged. The 20-year-old came back into our lives about 18 months ago. She is still a uni student and DH still sends her money every month. She rents a flat with her boyfriend (who works), they live at the other end of the country.

She has expressed a desire for her and her boyfriend to come and stay with us for a weekend to meet DD, and we fixed a date for it. They have a car and drive, but are unwilling to drive so far. She said they'd get a train and we said we'd pick them up from whatever station they ended up at.

It transpires that the train fare for both of them will be £350. DH texted her to say he would understand if she couldn't make it and we would arrange for her to meet DD another time. She thinks we should pay the £350. I don't agree.

Am I being a right cow? We can ill afford £350 at the moment. But my perception is slightly coloured by the fact that I was generally dreading the weekend if I am brutally honest.

OP posts:

GooseRocks · 17/07/2012 13:52

Well it's hardly unheard of for parents to pay for their student offsprings train fares. Generous to pay for boyfriend as well though.

But, but £350?? Book tickets yourself online. You'll get them much cheaper than that I'm sure....

Original poster

PhlipPhlop · 17/07/2012 13:53

I just checked on Trainline and it's actually £256 to get to an alternative station that is equidistant from our house to the 'obvious' one iyswim. It's still a lot and I still don't think we should pay it. We have a dependent daughter more in need of our money, and this one is an adult who is already getting sent an allowance from us every month. It has to end somewhere doesn't it.

I will have a look at flights but then they will want us to pay for their parking etc and it will probably all add up to the same!

OP posts:

Fillybuster · 17/07/2012 13:54

Open advance returns could easily cost that much. Single, specified tickets (at specific booked times) in each direction will be a fraction of that amount.

For example, I recently travelled to Manchester for work. Quoted return ticket price for the trip was £275. When I looked on thetrainline.com and went through to the detail screen I managed to book travel for £30 in one direction and £17 in the other.

That was for a fixed seat (so I wasn't uncomfortable or squeezed in by the loos or anything else) but I did have to travel at the times booked.

DontmindifIdo · 17/07/2012 13:55

It can cost that much for 2 people if they have to travel between 6-7pm - it's defiantely worth looking at young person's rail cards, and if there are airports relatively close by, it's amazing how cheap flights are between regional airports.

NotANaturalGeordie · 17/07/2012 13:55

If they want to visit you, why are you paying? My parents are 350 miles from me - if they come here they pay, if I go there I pay. Easy.

KellyElly · 17/07/2012 13:55

I don't see why you should pay for her boyfriend. If her dad wants to pay for her that's one thing but he should pay for himself.

CanISawItOff · 17/07/2012 13:56

edam because if a father has been absent for that length of time a large proportion of the time the ex can become quite spiteful, you see it on here all the time!!

I book travel all the time at work and can get someone from the South East to Liverpool for £30 each way using the trainline. It's a case of picking which train you travel on - avoid peak times. Buy your travel into London seperate - don't buy it all as one journey, you'll find it is usually cheaper to buy singles too.

What journey are you booking maybe I can help find something cheaper?

HeWhoWillNotObey · 17/07/2012 13:57

They have a car, tell them to use it!

GooseRocks · 17/07/2012 13:59

Ah well, that's where we'll disagree. At 11 months I hardly think your daughter is more on need of money. Provided you can still pay the household expenses without this money then I think you're making excuses tbh.

Out of interest, what does your husband think? He's her father so surely it's ultimately his decision?

Might also be wise to consider what your response would be if, in 20 years time, your DD wanted to come visit and asked you to pay? I suspect you would pay if you could. Same rules should apply to your DH's DD's.

TwllBach · 17/07/2012 14:00

I am a little bit older than your DHs eldest daughter and I am estranged from my father. While I understand that £350 is a ridiculous amount of money, maybe you should make an effort and see if you can find an alternative method that is cheaper? That way you can pay half. I understand that you don't have to, but I had to cut my dad out of my life because he is not worth the angst and wouldn't have gone to any effort at all to keep in contact with me. Even though I know that he is a waste of space, it hurts me daily to think that he can't be bothered to get in contact with his daughter.

I'm sure your DH is a lovely man, but at 20 and 18 I think that the daughters are still young enough to want to see their dad making a big effort. I know you said that they are estranged from you, but IMO a dad has to be the grown up, even if his daughters aren't teenagers/kids any more. If you tried hard to find an alternative route that is cheaper and then paid half, that might help with the relationship between him and his daughters? I knwo they shouldn't expect there to be finances involved, and certainly not for her boyfriend, but sometimes I think it can be helpful to give a little.

I'm not having a go, OP, and I am aware that your post struck a chord because my own father is a nob. I am just thinking about it as if I were the 20 year old. FWIW, I would never have expected my father to shell out that sort of money, if any at all, to go and see him.

Viviennemary · 17/07/2012 14:02

Absolutely not your responsibility to pay this money. And they could get it much cheaper if they paid in advance. Why can't she come on her own on the train? And then maybe you could offer something towards the fare.

TheEternalOptimist · 17/07/2012 14:04

I got to London and back for about £100 including parking for the weekend.

Are they working?

And I don't see why you should pay for both of them. I would offer £150 towards the cost of their trip and you will see if they then slum it on the bus.

vezzie · 17/07/2012 14:06

It's a right bugger to get cheap, convenient fares if you are travelling a long way and want to go somewhere for the weekend. Trains on sunday are slower so they might not want to spend literally all day on the train (would rather spend the time with you!) and are trying to travel friday night and early monday morning to be back for work. I can see this costing £350 easily.

Can you meet them half way? They might be able to drive that distance.

I think you need to have an honest conversation with them about why it costs that much. If they don't really want to come then I don't see why you should pay for everyone to have a miserable time, but if they do but it honestly costs a fortune, I think you need to cooperate on a reasonable plan to make it work. If you don't trust them (don't think they are honest sincere people to cooperate with) then I don't think they should spend £350 of their very hard earned cash (at their age) or put themselves out to see you.

cocolepew · 17/07/2012 14:09

Tell them to drive. Don't give them cash whatever you decide.

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey · 17/07/2012 14:13

My stepson lives some distance from us (although not as far as in this case) anyway he doesn't drive so we always pay his train fare, he's a full time student.

We got him one of these a 16-25 railcard - you can save alot of money with them.

You can order online and they don't take long to post out.

fruitysummer · 17/07/2012 14:18

Out of interest, what does your husband think? He's her father so surely it's ultimately his decision?

Why Goose?

Why does the OP have no say about an expense that effects her?

mrsscoob · 17/07/2012 14:23

I would pay personally, but not £350, that is a ridiculous amount. There are lots of ways to get the fares cheaper, they probably just punched the destination into national rail enquiries and that is what came up. Why don't you or your husband look into it for them and come up with something cheaper? There are ways around it including buying several single fares (check out Martin Lewis website, he explains it well)

firawla · 17/07/2012 14:25

yanbu. they are adults so pay for themselves. 20 is not a child, sounds like her and the bf both need to grow up

confusedpixie · 17/07/2012 14:26

They can likely get it even cheaper using the rail sites. I used to travel around the country on very small amounts of money by booking it in advance (usually between a month to the day before travel!) from the virgin trains website. The railcards are handy too, I still have one and I rarely use trains any more!

They're being incredibly cheeky asking for that amount!

GooseRocks · 17/07/2012 14:27

Fruity

At no point did I say that OP has no say. I do think however that if their Dad wants to pay and they can afford to as a family then it would be unreasonable to object. As I said I would be looking at cheaper altenatives though.

Birdsgottafly · 17/07/2012 14:30

"if a father has been absent for that length of time a large proportion of the time the ex can become quite spiteful"

If a parent has been absent for that length of time, then that parent neds to pull all of the stops out, to get back on track, when they have a chance.

"Why does the OP have no say about an expense that effects her?"

The OP doesn't quite get that they are his children and are owed as much as the DD that they have together now. If it means a cut down at Christmas etc, then that should happen, he owes his children this.

Will the Op want tobuy her family presents and meet any expenses of her family when attending parties, men should not abandon their responsibilities to suit new wives and children.

I am sure that their DD would like to think that her mother was all for a relationship with her half siblings.

The OP isn't, as she describes herself as dreading the visit.

Original poster

PhlipPhlop · 17/07/2012 14:33

FWIW we would've happily given them petrol money and would've wined and dined them and paid their expenses while they were here. We'd have contributed to the train fare too. But £350 is too much when I think they could get here a lot cheaper.

To those branding me: You can't judge me or my husband - you have no idea of the history here. Yes he's paid full maintenance and also fought for custody and access which was blocked because of the job he did when they were younger. The older one lived with us free of charge for a while (as an adult, with her boyfriend) and I welcomed her with open arms til she stole from us and then left in a fit of pique, then lied about why she left to our entire family. Sorry to burst your bubble that I've never been interested in them or tried with them! Obviously none of this is the fault of the younger one and I continue to try hard to foster a relationship with her, as I would with the older one if I got an apology. It is ME (not DH) who sends photos to her, buys her Xmas and birthday presents and cards, is linked on Facebook to her etc etc.

I'm the first to admit he's not been the perfect father but then if you have one of those you are very lucky. My father certainly isn't.

CanISaw has it about right too.

And yes the decision is absolutely mine too - we both work full time contributing equally to household finances and £350 is a LOT of money out of our joint finances which I have every right to determine what happens to. It is not as if she isn't already getting an 'allowance' from US.

OP posts:

mrsscoob · 17/07/2012 14:37

I think you are right that £350 is too much. I do think your husband though could make an effort to find a fare cheaper for her and pay it. There will definitely be cheaper fares out there.

Original poster

PhlipPhlop · 17/07/2012 14:40

"The OP doesn't quite get that they are his children and are owed as much as the DD that they have together now. If it means a cut down at Christmas etc, then that should happen, he owes his children this."

THEY ARE 20 and 25!! How are they 'owed' (as you put it) the same as a baby? My parents didn't pay for me when I became an adult. There is no logic here. They have had full maintenance and as many visits and lovely holidays with him as his ex would let them go on! We have B&B'ed in their hometown many times to visit them.

"The OP isn't, as she describes herself as dreading the visit."

I am allowed to dread a visit from someone who has previous form. It doesn't mean I wouldn't have been a good host.

"I am sure that their DD would like to think that her mother was all for a relationship with her half siblings."

As am I, which is why they are coming to stay in the first place (even if I am dreading it, hopefully it will all turn out lovely)

You're just annoying and want to paint me as something I am not. Obviously you have a massive chip on your shoulder which you think allows you to judge people who you have no idea about.

OP posts:

forehead · 17/07/2012 14:43

Sorry to be harsh OP. The girls will always be his children, but you may not always be his wife.
You have been honest and said that you are dreading the visit, which may be clouding your judgement. I don't know why your dh was estranged from his children, but i wouldn't be surprised if his dd is testing him, in order to see whether he coughs up or not, if he does not she may use this as a reason to cut off contact. In the long run, this could cause problems .
I personally think that £350 is extortionate, but if i were you i would let your dh decide , if you don't want to be seen as the bad guy.

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