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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think we shouldn't have to pay their train fare?

125 replies

PhlipPhlop · 17/07/2012 13:33

DH and I have an 11 month old daughter together. DH also has 2 older children by a previous wife, they are now 20 and 25.

His relationship with both daughters has been very strained throughout their lives (since way before I came along). When we first met we both made a real effort with them but it was very one-way and they made no effort back. A few years ago there was a massive fall-out and both daughters became estranged. The 20-year-old came back into our lives about 18 months ago. She is still a uni student and DH still sends her money every month. She rents a flat with her boyfriend (who works), they live at the other end of the country.

She has expressed a desire for her and her boyfriend to come and stay with us for a weekend to meet DD, and we fixed a date for it. They have a car and drive, but are unwilling to drive so far. She said they'd get a train and we said we'd pick them up from whatever station they ended up at.

It transpires that the train fare for both of them will be £350. DH texted her to say he would understand if she couldn't make it and we would arrange for her to meet DD another time. She thinks we should pay the £350. I don't agree.

Am I being a right cow? We can ill afford £350 at the moment. But my perception is slightly coloured by the fact that I was generally dreading the weekend if I am brutally honest.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/07/2012 17:58

Hmm. I can see both sides, but overall I think that the DD is either being unreasonable here, or, as has already been suggested, she is "testing" her father - if he doesn't pay then he doesn't love me and everything my mother told me about him was true, etc etc.

But -

She and her boyfriend have a car, but don't want to drive "that far" (would be nice to know just how far that is).
They won't take the coach as "it takes too long"
No mention has been made of air travel, so presumably none available (I mention this because I could often get to Glasgow cheaper by budget airline than by rail).
Theyhave stated a need to take particular trains - I'm guessing NOT the off-peak ones - and the OP is assuming this is to fit in with her Uni and his job commitments. Actually, it must just be his job, won't Uni have broken up by now, and it's months before it restarts? Has he no holiday entitlement, couldn't he take a day off so that this rare visit could be a little longer than a scant weekend as well as getting a cheaper train? I've often found it a lot easier to get one day off than a longer period. Or even a half-day would allow more range of departure times.

So, they (DD and BF) are discarding several options, and picking what appears to be the most expensive option available.

It does sound like she's testing him, doesn't it?

I'd be inclined to browse thetrainline.com and find a cheaper journey. Pay attention to if there are any train changes required, and check the price of the overall journey against the sum of each individual 'stage' between changes. I was quite shocked to find I could trim a substantial amount off the cost by doing this recently. Phone the DD and discuss whether there is any flexibility in the times they "need" to travel, e.g. would BF taking a half-day be possible. And rather than give them the cash, book the tickets yourself - buy them Young Persons Railcards too if it reduces the cost - and email them the tickets to print off themselves. Look for them to compromise with you rather than meet their rather petulant demand. She is an adult now, that's what adults do.

FanjolinaJolie · 17/07/2012 20:55

Excellent suggestion to 'split' the train tickets that could save a lot of £

lurkerspeaks · 17/07/2012 21:13

I think YABU. She is his daughter. This is your daughters half sister.

DOI: My family paid for me to go and visit them into starving young professional life. Yes maybe it infantalised me but I have a bloody good relationship with them as I saw them regularly when otherwise I might not have!

ssd · 17/07/2012 21:22

of course you shouldn't pay the train fare for a couple of working 20 year olds

good grief, what next

YANBU at all, ignore anyone who tells you otherwise

you know better than anyone she's your dh's daughter, but she and her bf are also adults who should be paying her way

edam · 17/07/2012 23:22

CanIsawitoff - you are clearly bringing your prejudices to this thread. The OP does not even mention her step-daughter's mother - yet you leap in insisting that this is somehow about a vindictive ex. I really think it would be worth your while stopping and thinking about why you leap to those assumptions about other people without any evidence at all.

samandi · 18/07/2012 09:03

Train tickets could quite easily cost £350. It's extremely rude to invite herself and then expect you to pay for it all, though it might be a nice gesture to offer to pay some of it I guess.

FlangelinaBallerina · 18/07/2012 09:38

If the journey's a very long one, DSD isn't being particularly unreasonable by not wanting to drive or get the coach. So if she's got to go from Brighton to Stirling she has a point, London to Leeds not so much. A lot depends on specifics. I've never heard of parents paying children's fare home for them, but that's not to say it's wrong. DSD is probably fairly skint at this point in the academic year, too.

Assuming the journey is long enough to justify them wanting to get the train, I think the best thing would be to say you can't run to £350 as you've just had a few big bills/shock to income due to childcare as ML finishes/paying down debts/interest rate rise/insert own excuse. You could pay for her train ticket (could you?) or give X amount towards whatever way they decide to travel, and is there any way she can investigate a young person's railcard or coming at a cheaper time? Bear in mind though you can't use railcards in rush hour. If driving or coach is feasible, just offer to pay for them to do that.

ssd · 18/07/2012 10:49

what unreasonable about 2 twenty yr olds getting a coach somewhere??what are you saying, a bit too uncomfortable for them? jesus wept...this thread is amazing....she isn't dragging kids is she, she's going with her bf, what happened to young and carefree and bus-ing it around, do they all need chauffeur driven limos these days??

LIZS · 18/07/2012 11:18

Agree with ssd, it isn't like you're expecting them to hitchhike ! If they came by car would they be asking for petrol money ? imho it sounds like they don't really want to come but don't want to be seen as to blame.

FlangelinaBallerina · 18/07/2012 11:24

Not so much a bit uncomfortable as a bit long. DSD and partner apparently only have a short period in which they can visit due to work commitments. if this is immovable, it's quite possible that a long coach journey and return would eat the bulk of that up to the extent that it's not a good use of scarce funds and free time. It's equally plausible that she's taking the absolute piss, of course.

letseatgrandma · 18/07/2012 12:32

OP-please come back!

You are not being unreasonable. £350 is ridiculous-we could rent a cottage for our whole family for a week for that! Can you answer a few questions though...
How far is it they would be travelling? 2 hour car journey? 8 hour car journey?
Has the boyfriend got a job? That's utterly disgusting that he expects you to pay for him if he's got one. It's just taking the piss if he's a student.

I'd say you can't afford £350 on top of her monthly maintenance, but will buy her ticket on credit card and send it to her recorded delivery. See what she replies.

vj32 · 18/07/2012 12:54

I think people are being a bit mean saying the boyfriend should pay for himself. He is apparently giving up his weekend and traveling hundreds of miles to go and stay with complete strangers to offer his girlfriend moral support. If he is the same age as her he is unlikely to be earning that much anyway, and is probably already subsidising her rent and living costs.

If you want to see DSD, order tickets and send them, as other people have suggested. A YP Railcard can be used at any time (even rush hour) over the summer hols so they should get a big discount that way. They can pay for rail cards, you can pay for their tickets.

It sounds like your DH has been paying for his kids but has no emotional relationship with them. If he wants that or you want them to have a relationship with your daughter, it is easier the sooner you do it.

MMUstudent · 18/07/2012 12:58

Train fares are very expensive if you don't book ahead. Sounds to me like no-ones heart is really in this journey. Why not agree a date in the future when the fares are cheaper as you cna book ahead 4 months and save the money. This is only going to lead to more resentment if you pay their fares it seems to me.

yellowraincoat · 18/07/2012 13:02

Really vj32? I would never expect my parents to pay for my boyfriend to go anywhere. I wouldn't expect them to pay for me either, but I certainly wouldn't expect my boyfriend to be paid for.

I can't imagine any of my friends ever expecting that. It's ridiculously spoilt.

nailak · 18/07/2012 13:10

yabu

my dad happily paid for tickets for me my husband and daughter to visit him, even though we were and are not in regular contact. And that was on the other side of the world. He also "wined and dined" us, drove us everywhere etc,

I guess it depends how badly your DH wants a relationship with them.

yellowraincoat · 18/07/2012 13:16

It also depends massively on how much money you have (for some people £350 is just impossible) and honestly, what you want your kids to be like. I would never ever have wanted my parents to spoil me like that, to me it just reeks of trying to buy your kids round.

nailak · 18/07/2012 13:20

or maybe it is just facilitating seeing your own children?

Laquitar · 18/07/2012 13:38

I think it is ridiculous to check flights and trains for a 20yr and 25yr old.

You can say: 'we can give you £200 (or what amount you can afford) towards your journey. Then its up to her. She can fill the car with that and drive or she can come on her own or they can take a coach.

Are they coming together because it is a 'serious' relationship and wants him to meet you and the baby or because you live in london? (sorry, i'm cynical)

letseatgrandma · 18/07/2012 13:43

That's a good plan and should prevent any future pisstaking.

ErnesttheBavarian · 18/07/2012 15:06

is getting 200 quid as an adult not ttp?

KellyElly · 18/07/2012 15:11

Does everyone realise the OP has left the thread and reported it??

gettingeasier · 18/07/2012 15:25

How idiotic. Why did she post in AIBU

Viviennemary · 18/07/2012 17:25

I posted at the beginning and was sympathetic to the OP as were about 90% of people at least.

Hopandaskip · 18/07/2012 17:28

how do you know it has been reported?

KellyElly · 18/07/2012 20:07

Hopandskip Because the OP said she was reporting it. Read back.

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