to think we shouldn't have to pay their train fare?

[PhlipPhlop]

DH and I have an 11 month old daughter together. DH also has 2 older children by a previous wife, they are now 20 and 25.

His relationship with both daughters has been very strained throughout their lives (since way before I came along). When we first met we both made a real effort with them but it was very one-way and they made no effort back. A few years ago there was a massive fall-out and both daughters became estranged. The 20-year-old came back into our lives about 18 months ago. She is still a uni student and DH still sends her money every month. She rents a flat with her boyfriend (who works), they live at the other end of the country.

She has expressed a desire for her and her boyfriend to come and stay with us for a weekend to meet DD, and we fixed a date for it. They have a car and drive, but are unwilling to drive so far. She said they'd get a train and we said we'd pick them up from whatever station they ended up at.

It transpires that the train fare for both of them will be £350. DH texted her to say he would understand if she couldn't make it and we would arrange for her to meet DD another time. She thinks we should pay the £350. I don't agree.

Am I being a right cow? We can ill afford £350 at the moment. But my perception is slightly coloured by the fact that I was generally dreading the weekend if I am brutally honest.

I'm sure you could get it less than £256 too btw..

What are the actual stations?

Monkeynuts OP has flounced off in a huff left the thread because some people thought she was BU.

The Op is definitely highly strung,as proved by her last post.

Your step daughter has never yet met her 11 month old half sister, which is a bloody disgrace IMO.

You and your DH should be encouraging and facilitating. Pay for her fare and she either comes on her own or the boyfriend comes and pays his own way.

Has the op told us where they are travelling to/from? I see she has been asked several times before going off in a strop and reporting her own thread

I certainly don't think you should foot the whole travel bill for DD + boyfriend, when you are already putting them up, however, if you are still lurking OP, have you looked at breaking the journey into chunks - ridiculous you may think but often (A to B) plus (B to C) works out cheaper than a straight through (A to C) using the exact same trains/times!

I wouldn't pay. I think Ypou're being beyond generous already giving an allowance. Bloody hell. Spoilt. I can't imagine having the cheek to ask for my train fare at that age, never mind for my working bf too! Really taking the piss.

And as for testing the father, well actually sod it, out would say to me they just looked upon me as a cash cow and I would be even less willing to even compromise.

OP YANBU.

BTW, until what age do these infantile spoilt adults get pocket money?

I think if I did not want to pay for both of them (I probably would suck it up given the situation), I would say "We would love to see both of you but don't have 350 to spare right now. If we pay for yours (DD) do you think the two of you could split the other ticket?" If she says no, then ask if we could rebook at a time when the bus would be possible.

What about them driving half way and you driving the other half? That way they wouldn't have to drive so far. You go down on the bus to meet them and stay near them for the weekend?

I would do whatever it took to try and make this work. They are trying to make an effort and it should be encouraged, not only for the sake of the daughter and her father, but your child too.

Just lovely Ernest.

Young college students usually get their living expenses paid for by their parents. If they didn't people would rarely go to college in their teens and twenties.

Doesn't sound like they are making that much effort. How far is it in terms of hours drive? Sounds like they want it only on their terms. Maybe they need to consider compromising. ANd anyway, aren't the unit all shut for the summer, so presumably, she's free to do whatever for quite a few weeks, unless she's going to (gasp) get a job herself.

I guess my view is clouded by the fact my mum never paid my living expenses or travel costs when I was at university. I got by myself by student loans and getting jobs.

It just annoys me as it sounds so grasping. Not only is the father paying an allowance, but she's asking for (again, rankles) not only her train fare, but her BF too! I find it astonishing.

Plenty of people have to support themselves. I did. Nice if the parents can support them. In this case, they already are..... Presumably the mum is also paying, so they are getting possibly 2 allowances.

Interested to see if this is deleted at OP's request.

Never used to happen in the GoofOldDays.

They are taking the piss expecting that to be paid and as for the fare are they travelling on the orient express?

She is an adult with a car travelling with another adult with a job. Can see no reason why she should expect her father and his wife to pay for her travel other than he gives too freely and she is expecting it not to mention she is spoilt.

You know what, I think £350 is an awful lot of money and I do think it's cheecky of dsd to expect you and dh to pay her boyfriend's fare. Why can't he pay for his own travel, he's a working adult and he is only her boyfriend.

On the other hand, in the interests of working towards positive family relationships with dsd, I would compromise and pay for her ticket. If they want to club together to pay for his that's up to them, but I don't think that her boyfriend is your problem. Ideally, I'd do a bit of research to find something a bit cheaper if possible.

if my daughter visits me i always transfer the cost of the journey into her acc,
she has limited income so it means i get to see her more but then i also shop about to find her the cheapest way.

her dad bitches all the time that he dosnt get to see her very often her fare to his is £25 shes on a low paid training thingy i forget what they are called so for her £25 is lots hes a merchent wanker so to him its not he refuses to help her out using the reason that "your 18 now my other children need funds more" i personally think this is a bit wrong but thats just me

They are taking the piss expecting that to be paid and as for the fare are they travelling on the orient express?

She is an adult with a car travelling with another adult with a job. Can see no reason why she should expect her father and his wife to pay for her travel other than he gives too freely and she is expecting it not to mention she is spoilt.

Sorry random 2nd post

I've had friends who have been very nervous about driving outside of their local area and wouldn't want to drive far.

OP, if you post the two places someone will probably be nice and look it up for you.

it easily costs me £160 to get from edinburgh to london return.. so £350 for two people is not uncommon.

however, i can also find returns a long way in advance for around £60 so if i were you i'd tell them you can't afford it and offer to rearrange to further in advance.. i bought a cheap ticket for september recently (i think they go on sale 12 weeks in advance).

Why did the husband move o far away from his children in the first place?

I'm another that thinks OP IBU. And self centred.

I don't really see why the OP should stump up because people are scared to drive outside their local area (which seems silly to me, unless it's a genuine phobia.)

£350 is an outrageous amount of money for travel when there are far far cheaper options. You can always get a Ryanair/Easyjet flight, it's never going to be more than £100 return if you book a few weeks in advance.

I agree that the dad paying would be nice (although he does already give them money) but not for the boyfriend as well! That's so silly.

oh, and i wouldn't drive to the "other end of the country" for a weekend (or take the bus) - it can be 8 hours or more easily each way!

Can she not travel alone ? As a student surely her timing restrictions are likely to be less as she won't be at lectures etc now and so would work out cheaper. Alternatively you arrange to meet half way.

Why did the husband move o far away from his children in the first place?

They aren't children.

Has the OP said he moved away from them?

Maybe as the daughter is at uni its her uni town she lives in and is travelling from?