DH signed text to work colleague "XILF x" AIBU to be very angry?

[sockonwilly]

DH worked away for 7-8 weeks a couple of months ago and has been away lots of weekends recently.

Found a text to someone he's been working with signed "the XILF x".

The "X" is something else which I have changed but imagine it being a job title so for example if he was a manager it was MILF or if he was a doctor it would be DILF.

We all know what that means right?

Clearly been at least some sort of innappropriate conversations going on here hasnt there

I am 32 wks preg.

There is an awful awful lot wrong with our relationship in other ways but I didnt think faithfulness was one of them tbh....

Do you have any support from your family? I cannot believe he's doing this on top of everything else. He's letting you carry the family while he flirts with another woman? Vile.
Are you liable for his debts? I think you need some proper support, please see your GP. I had a bad time of things some time back and was actually reassured if that's the right term to be told my depression was a natural reaction to a horrible situation.

I agree with pp's that you need rl support. You need to speak to your doctor and midwife but you also need to speak to family and friends for day to day support.

Poor OP. It sounds horrible.

There could be various reasons for the smirk, and maybe his 'innocent' explanation of the text is true. But given that he has lied to you in the past about the massive money issues, he hardly deserves, or should be expecting, the benefit of the doubt.

not liable for any debts thank god. not knowing about them at least had the upside of not being linked to them.

Where has he been these last weeks if its not work? Surely a job that requires that long away should be decent paid.
I am so sorry OP but he is treating you horrendously. Please see your go. I don't often say this but, for your own mental health, maybe you should consider kicking him out.
My dh would be horrified I was upset. However he wouldn't do it in the first place. He would Actively distance himself and ensure a professional relationship was the only one they had, if he heard that conversation. He wouldn't want me even contemplating something was going on.

It is work he has bene away for. it is in media so lots of people work for free for various reasons.

sock - I notice that you haven't really responded to any of the questions about how much support you have and who it is that you can turn to, save for saying that you fear its becoming 'official'. In a way, I'm sure it has become more concrete for you on these pages, and my concern for you is that by denying how much support you really need right now, you are going to get yourself into an increasingly hard-to-get-out-of situation.

Please. Confide in someone in RL. Someone with whom you feel safe and who is there for you no matter what decisions or actions come from this. This alone might relieve some of the burden you feel.

Well i have family nearby. mum and dad live 10 mins away. they do know all the issues. my mum does help a lot with childcare (when dh has been away).

they are supportive, but really, how much can they do?

They can listen. They probably know in parts, but I would let them know just how serious it has become. Have a proper sit-down, tell them exactly what's going on between you and your DH, and inside you - and then ask them for help.

OP, are you implicated in his debts or are they his alone?

Financially, how would you be able to cope if you did split up?

I would be ok (well if it wasnt for mat leave), he wouldnt.

not implicated in his debts at all.

Yes please go to your GP or midwife. It will be confidential and will hopefully get you some help. I had PND and struggled on till DS was over 6 months, if I had asked for help earlier, it would have been much better more quickly. Pre natal depression is being more widely recognised now, I hope one or other of your HCP takes this seriously, insist on proper help and advice, you deserve it.

Also do seek out someone in RL. You need some active support.

I hope things improve, I would consider if your relationship with DH is a positive in your life or not. We are here if you need us, please ask for this to be moved to relationships board as you will get lots of help from wiser women than me.

He's taking the piss.

Getting himself into £££ of debt, dossing around not looking for any kind of regular paid work, texting other women, SMIRKING when you told him you felt depressed...

At best, he's a shit who is behaving badly. At worst he's been fucking about and is taking huge advantage of you whilst you work your fingers to the bone. He should be reassuring you and meaning it, not smirking and behaving like a teenage boy. Urgh.

I agree with conflugen

I know as a mum, I would want to help my pregnant DD as much as possible. I'm sure your mum and dad would want to know how bad things are so they can be there for you.

You cannnot carry all this on your shoulders sock. It won't do you any good in the long run. Just telling someone how serious it has become will help. It really will.

He sounds awful!

It's really hard as i expect he is entitled to more if you split. Is there anyway you could do 4 days work over 3 days instead so that you can have time with the kids? Insist he finds the shortfall as you are not going to.

CBT for PNT is really helpful by the way.

they do some of the practical things you may need a bit of support with, run the hoover round, take the dcs out for a walk, fill the dishwasher, put a load of washing on for you, all the things that get on top of us when we have bigger issues to face. Even if you do not want to be too honest with your parents just now, they can help you out.

I think you also need to friend to talk this over with.

Hi Sock i'm so sorry that you have all this to deal with when you are pregnant.

I really, really don't wish to add to your worries, so please forgive me if this is inappropriate, but I was worried for you when you wrote "Most scary thing was i read something about someone killing themself and i felt this funny wave of peace roll over me"

A few years ago i was in a bad way and this started happening to me. When i look back on it now i can see that I was really very, very depressed. I did not feel able to ask for help and although outwardly i carried on this did mean that those feelings did slowly get worse. Please, please speak to your GP about this now.

(One thing that really helped me through the blackest bit was reading on some website (can't now remember which one) the line "It is a lie that if you kill yourself it ends the pain. The pain you carried is then shared out amongst all your loved ones.

I know people may think that is a horrible thing to say as it is in a way making you responsible for other peoples happiness and is a kind of blackmail, but it helped me because I'm the sort of person who plods on in all weather because they simply have to because I have other people depending on me, so it spoke to me because even if i couldn't stop doing it for me, i could for my loved ones, and sometimes, that is all the motivation I had).

Sending you a virtual hug sock like others have said please get some RL support. Sounds like you would be much better off without this man, yes it will be painful and hard to begin with. But in the long run better for you and your DCs. Don't let him drag you down anymore. Good luck

Sock please go to your gp and explain you are feeling depressed as soon as you can. This is so important. It doesn't matter if you are in a public facing role. This is confidential between you and the gp. They will help you. Hope you are feeling much better soon.

Sock, my sister had ante-natal Depression. She was also worried about admitting it (hers was down to the fact that the baby was completely unplanned and a shock after needing fertility treatment for her other two DCs and also my Sis and BIL had their own business that was going under so finances were a massive issue) but the GP and MW were excellent. She started Counselling sessions and she started Anti-Ds as soon as LO was born.

In addition, they organised a 'Home-help' who was someone who popped in twice a week, for an hour at a time, just to sit with my sister, make her a cuppa and just give her someone to talk to.

She had amazing support throughout the pregnancy and afterwards and nothing official came of it, so please don't worry about that. Make that call, you will feel so much better once you have.

sock - please speak to him. write down why you are upset and what you can do together to sort out your problems.
The bankruptcy, your work, your finances are all huge contributing factors to you feeling overwhelmed during your pregnancy.
I'm not at all surprised you feel depressed.
This text message could truly be nothing though. Is this the only thing he has done to make you doubt his fidelity?
Your dp could actually be a great support and help to you if he knew what he was doing wrong and how he could reassure you.
Writing on here won't help you if you are feeling depressed and in a worst case scenario spiral. It will only fuel your negative feelings. Go for a walk, think of why you first got together with dp, what you do like about him and then when you're in a positive frame of mind you'll be able to talk to dp more rationally.
Talking to your dp is the only thing that will help.

Oh you poor thing :(
The stress is not good for you or the baby. I had an extremely stressful pregnancy due to marital issues. In the end I got my family to collect me & all the stuff for the baby just before I was due. It was the rocket up the arse he needed. I didn't just do it for that but because I was at the end of my tether. Remove financial support & go to your mum's for a while?
Really really wish you all the best. My mw was aware of the difficulties as it started from the pregnancy & I got extra support before the baby.

The first thing I would do now is pick up the phone and ring your mum, ask her to come over to talk to you. Reading about suicide and feeling peaceful is not normal. I have first hand experience of this so I do know what I'm talking about.

Add to the fact that you have financial worries, relationship problems, a young child, a responsible job and you are pregnant - your posts are a massive red flag and hence why you have a lot of concerned posters.

My experience taught me that when you feel this way you need someone else to take responsibility for you, I know you are an adult but you are still your parents child and they WILL and CAN help and protect you. They will also be in a clear minded position to seek medical help for you, at the moment it sounds like you don't have the capacity to do this for yourself.

I honestly wouldn't speak to your DH about this yet as he doesn't sound equipped to support you at all right now. Please get off the internet and seek RL help.

There are two issues here - your 'D'H's flirting/general fuckwittery, and the general stresses you are under.

The priority is to get yourself some RL help with the latter, because you need to put yourself in a position where you can take back some control, evaluate your options and make some decisions, including but not excusively about your H's behaviour with his phone. You won't be able to do any of that while you're in this stressed, can't-see-the-wood-for-the-trees state.

Please make an appointment with your GP Sock, and talk to your parents if they're sympathetic and supportive. TBH your H is the least of your worries right now, as in he should be bottom of your list of priorities because that's all he's proved himself worthy of being. You, your DS and your bump are the most important things - take the time you need to get your head straight, and then you can decide whether your H still has a future with you.