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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH signed text to work colleague "XILF x" AIBU to be very angry?

130 replies

sockonwilly · 16/07/2012 09:24

DH worked away for 7-8 weeks a couple of months ago and has been away lots of weekends recently.

Found a text to someone he's been working with signed "the XILF x".

The "X" is something else which I have changed but imagine it being a job title so for example if he was a manager it was MILF or if he was a doctor it would be DILF.

We all know what that means right?

Clearly been at least some sort of innappropriate conversations going on here hasnt there Sad

I am 32 wks preg.

There is an awful awful lot wrong with our relationship in other ways but I didnt think faithfulness was one of them tbh....

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 16/07/2012 09:57

LobstersLass has a very logical point and I do agree with her. It does sound like a nickname that the recipient of the text has given to him.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 16/07/2012 09:57

I'm not sure that's necessarily right, lobsters - is it not quite a common term (and I agree, I don't like it)? I think without seeing what she's said, it is wrong to assume it's her who instigated things.

The one thing the OP knows for certain is how her DH is behaving. Saying it was probably another woman who started it is taking the blame off him, IMO.

kim147 · 16/07/2012 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

helenthemadex · 16/07/2012 09:58

his behaviour is at best very inappropriate, he needs to explain to you and grovel a lot for his unacceptable behaviour

maybe sit him down and say to him reasonably can you please explain the flirty texts on your phone, or shall I just make an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow and smirk Angry

HecateHarshPants · 16/07/2012 09:58

Clearly doesn't give a shit, does he?

Smirking. Bloody horrible.

Clytaemnestra · 16/07/2012 10:01

Honestly, it could be a stupid in joke. He should have explained it, but that doesn't sound like the reaction of someone just caught out doing something awful, unless he's a totally vicious tosser and I would have thought you would have noticed that prior to this?

Has he said anything to you since?

twofingerstoGideon · 16/07/2012 10:01

DH worked away for 7-8 weeks a couple of months ago and has been away lots of weekends recently.

OP, do you think he has been meeting someone on these weekends away and that this is connected with the texting?

I'm sorry you are going through this Sad

Original poster
sockonwilly · 16/07/2012 10:03

Ok he has just come into the room and said that he thought i was joking about being annoyed hence the "smirk", he didnt realise I'd then go off and sleep elsewhere (he didnt come and get me?!), he said the nickname originates out of a convo he had accidently overheard between this girl and someone else and he had embarrassed her by calling her up on it, he wa just playing up to that.

Well he's had a good 10 hours to come up with that.

Not sure what to think.

I'm so angry. I called him all the names under the sun and said how awful his reaction was. How, even given the "explanation" above it is still hugely innappropriate etc.

He's now wandered off downstairs to give DS his snack.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 16/07/2012 10:04

"There is an awful awful lot wrong with our relationship in other ways"

sadly that can and often does lead to affairs :(

TheOneWithTheHair · 16/07/2012 10:04

Clytaemnestra if it was a stupid joke why didn't he explain? He smirked and let op sleep in another room. Don't you think if it was that simple he'd have explained and reassured the op?

YouOldSlag · 16/07/2012 10:04

Ask him about it - but be ready to explain why you were looking at his text messages.

The OP explained why she was looking. However, this point ^^makes me angry.

If my DH had a similar text and then had a go at me about looking at his text messages I'd be fuming times two! It's hardly the point here.

What makes me really sad is that I see a lot of "is this infidelity?" threads and so often the poor wife is pregnant. It makes me so sad and angry on their behalf.

squeakytoy · 16/07/2012 10:06

Sorry OP, just seen your latest update, and like you say it has taken him 10 hours to come up with that. Any decent bloke would have followed you into the spare room and explained IMMEDIATELY, because they would not want their wife worried and upset over something that could easily be explained.

Even if his excuse IS true, he a grade A prick for leaving you upset and angry over it for so long.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 16/07/2012 10:08

Sorry, sock, but he doesn't sound especially fussed he's upset you! Maybe I am reading this wrong but I'd think surely he should have clocked it when you went to sleep elsewhere not ten hours later, and surely if you are still upset he should be talking to you not going off.

Can you tell him why you felt so upset, instead of calling him names, so he has something to reply to?

I sort of half get his explanation and half don't - it could have happened, couldn't it, but still it's a bit of an off joke, isn't it?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 16/07/2012 10:08

Or, cos I take ages to post, what squeaky said first!

50shadesofstress · 16/07/2012 10:10

I wouldn't automatically assume that it meant something had actually happened but the fact he smirked about it to me means he doesn't really care.

When my cousin confronted her XP about texts which showed he was having an affair he just sat there and smirked at her. He had previously told her it was over and he didn't love her anymore and that he didn't find her attractive etc and she let him stay there until things were to be sorted. As soon as he reacted like that when she confronted him she threw him straight out! If he had cared at all he wouldn't have been very upset etc!

kim147 · 16/07/2012 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElephantsCanRemember · 16/07/2012 10:10

So this XILF is a nickname he has for her? Yuck. Not nice at all, and his smirking at you then leaving you to sleep in the spare room all night says an awful lot about him.

AThingInYourLife · 16/07/2012 10:11

He's a lying cunt.

He had all night, and that's the best he could come up with?

He sounds cruel.

YouOldSlag · 16/07/2012 10:13

Read your update OP and still don't think much of his behaviour. He hasn't exactly gone out of his way to reassure his very pregnant wife has he?

50shadesofstress · 16/07/2012 10:13

Just seen your update, this would still give me huge concerns. DH and I had a misunderstanding over something similar and he refused to let me leave the room until we had it sorted, he was visibly upset and wanted to sort things out as he didn't want to jeopordise anything between us.

I still often think about the issue we had (no cheating, slightly overfriendly work colleague) and it does wind me up but I have to remind myself how upset he was that it could have hurt/upset me and I feel reassured. If he had place any blame on me or 'smirked' I don't think I would feel reassured at all.

ElephantsCanRemember · 16/07/2012 10:15

He sounds disrespectful. He has a 32week pregnant wife, he let you sleep in the spare room without any explanation whilst you worry what the text means. On top of that he has a horrible nickname for a colleague implying that he wants to fuck her. Seriously, who gives a nickname like that to their colleagues?

Original poster
sockonwilly · 16/07/2012 10:16

THe nickname is a nickname that SHE has given HIM.

Apparently.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 16/07/2012 10:16

You need to explain to him that if what he has told you the truth, he has just sexually harrassed her on a txt and it could be a sacking offence.

Is he going tonow appologise to her on a txt?

Original poster
sockonwilly · 16/07/2012 10:17

Oh and probably didnt pick it up from my earlier post but his phone is on a contract in my name (that's why i was checking date/time of certain texts I'd been charged for). That's right. I paid for that text. Nice huh.

OP posts:
ElephantsCanRemember · 16/07/2012 10:17

sock Apologies, I missed that. Why the hell would she give him that nickname? And why the hell would he think it is appropriate to use it?