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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH signed text to work colleague "XILF x" AIBU to be very angry?

130 replies

sockonwilly · 16/07/2012 09:24

DH worked away for 7-8 weeks a couple of months ago and has been away lots of weekends recently.

Found a text to someone he's been working with signed "the XILF x".

The "X" is something else which I have changed but imagine it being a job title so for example if he was a manager it was MILF or if he was a doctor it would be DILF.

We all know what that means right?

Clearly been at least some sort of innappropriate conversations going on here hasnt there Sad

I am 32 wks preg.

There is an awful awful lot wrong with our relationship in other ways but I didnt think faithfulness was one of them tbh....

OP posts:
Original poster
sockonwilly · 16/07/2012 10:19

s'ok elephants, these threads move fast!

Well, yes, quite Sad

OP posts:
ElephantsCanRemember · 16/07/2012 10:19

I am so sorry, I completely misread it. I assumed she had given herself the nn when talking to him.
Either way, he is a twat for using it, and a bigger twat for smirking at youand leaving you all night to ponder things.

DamselInDisgrace · 16/07/2012 10:21

I'd be very surprised if any of my DH's colleagues even considered giving him a nickname like that. It's really quite inappropriate and very obviously so.

YouOldSlag · 16/07/2012 10:21

Sock, if it was me, I'd still be giving DH the silent treatment and your DH should be doing everything to make it up to you.

At the very least he has been having inappropriate and disloyal conversations with a colleague. He is a married father of one with another on the way, not a teenage boy on a sleepover.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 16/07/2012 10:22

If she gave him that nickname that does sound bad (and lobsters might be right, above). But I'm confused ... first he said it was a joke from someone else's conversation with her? Now it's a nickname she gave him?

It doesn't sound great, but his reactions to it all would bother me more. You should be talking to him not us and he should be wanting to clear the air with you.

TheOneWithTheHair · 16/07/2012 10:24

I just can't get over the fact that he let you sleep alone and didn't try his hardest to explain at the time. This is the bit that shocks me. I would ask him why and was it to buy time to come up with a story.

Was the content of the text innocent?

ElephantsCanRemember · 16/07/2012 10:26

LRD Assume the conversation he apparently overheard was about him? Though why he thinks it is appropriate to play up to it I have no idea.
Also, just rereading, it doesn't say it was a joke, but an overheard conversation, yet he thought he would embarass her by using the nn too.

squeakytoy · 16/07/2012 10:26

so he has overheard her telling someone that she would like to fuck him.. nice!

Original poster
sockonwilly · 16/07/2012 10:27

It was pretty innocent yes. Except the begnning which read "Sarah, love, would you... etc etc"

Name not sarah obv but you get the idea. Not particularly bad on it's on but using "love" is not someting ive seen him do really in a text before. that bit jumped out at me even before i got to the end.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 16/07/2012 10:28

Sorry, I don't like him and I don't trust him an inch.

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 16/07/2012 10:30

so he over heard this girl saying what? that she fancied him or would like to fuck him? and he is now teasing her about it? if that is true then he is flirting and I would say with intent to take it further.

It seems wiered to me that he would give himself that name, I think if he is her work collegue and there is no relationship between them then he is sexually harrising her. If a boss or coleague sent me a text like that i would find it sleezy and inappriopriate.

ElephantsCanRemember · 16/07/2012 10:30

It reads to me that he overheard sarah having a conversation about him using the term XILF . If it was about him, and she has a crush on him then why is he encouraging it? If he wasn't the subject of the conversation why is he trying to make himself a part of it?

TheOneWithTheHair · 16/07/2012 10:31

Is he at home now sock? I really think you need to talk to him some more although it makes me Angry that you will have to go to him when he should be doing everything to reassure you.

Original poster
sockonwilly · 16/07/2012 10:31

"so he over heard this girl saying what? that she fancied him or would like to fuck him? and he is now teasing her about it?"

Yes that is his exaplanation in a nutshell.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 16/07/2012 10:31

Even if it is all innocent why is he encouraging her by using the nickname?

ElephantsCanRemember · 16/07/2012 10:32

Urgh. If that is his explanation then yuck yuck yuck.

Original poster
sockonwilly · 16/07/2012 10:32

Problem is he is dealing with DS downstairs and I am working (!) upstairs. Just tricky to have this sort of convo.

OP posts:
Original poster
sockonwilly · 16/07/2012 10:33

I think we are all on the same page here arent we.

I think the question really is, what do I do??!!!

OP posts:
Greatauntirene · 16/07/2012 10:35

Can you tell him you need a serious talk. Maybe get a baby sitter and make a proper amount of time together.

Ask him if he wants another wife and babies to provide for as that looks like what he is after. I mean she might appear a whizzy independent professional but in the end she will be a mother with wee one and baby on the way the same as the OP. Does he really want to go through it all twice?

They might be outrageously flirting or having nights together uninterrupted by waking babies and early rising toddlers but it won't always be that way.

And op can threaten to throw him out.

Just feel that if he can happily hand over the phone and smirk when she sees the txt (he could have deleted them) he maybe wants her to know, perhaps he's wanting a way out of the new relationship.

Also can he change his job, does he have to have weekends away. If he does the mistrust might just continue regardless of what he says.

bleedingheart · 16/07/2012 10:36

Totally inappropriate and arrogant. What a knob to take a private conversation and use it like that? If that's all it is, he's a creep, of it's gone further, well, do you want to stick this out? His reaction is unacceptable.
What are the other issues if you don't mind me asking? Is this a deal breaker for you?

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 16/07/2012 10:37

Dont accept his explination as reasoanble, he has acted inappropriately and disrespectfull to you and your dcs, and possinbly this other woman too. I dont think I believe that explination as feesable. he sounds like he think he is gods girft. It really does wiff of sexual harrasment to me and if she has not called him on it then that does not mean she is reciprocating it, she may just not know how to deal with it.

If on the other hand she is giving as much banter back and that is all it is to both of them, ity is still a line crossed that a married man should not be crossing.

he needs to accept the seriousness of the situation. Im not sure i would be accepting of his attitude if Im honest.

Greatauntirene · 16/07/2012 10:37

Oh, missed all the recent explanation.

ChaoticismyLife · 16/07/2012 10:41

Smirking is horrible. It's patronising, condescending, belittling and totally disrespectful.

Can I suggest you tell him that you are currently considering your options wrt the relationship. It might be enough to give him the kick up the arse he obviously needs and give you time to decide what you do want.

Original poster
sockonwilly · 16/07/2012 10:42

Other issues are vast.

Essentially he is bankrupt for a HHUUUUUGGEE sum of money I knew nothing about. There may be more serious consequences arising out of this - it is exceptionally stressful.

I am a high paid professional. I pay for everything. He is doing freelance work for expenses only in the hope something will come of it in the future and i can take my foot off the gas so to speak. All the other time he is our primary child carer. We dont use any childcare for DS.

I have no mat pay package. I am so so so so stressed financially. I am considering cutting my mat leave down to a few wks as have no idea how I will keep an entire family on MA. I have told him he needs to try and get a proper job, anything, shelf-stacking, anything. He has made no efforts atall and is convicned this "work" he is doing at the mo is the answer to evetything.

I am so depressed. I told him the other day I feel I am at risk of post natal depression. Oh yes, that was another smirk Sad Sad

I am so good at hiding this to the outside world. Very very good. I think sometimes he thinks I am being overly dramatic.

I'm not. I cried for hours last night, thinking i just want to disappear. Most scary thing was i read something about someone killing themself and i felt this funny wave of peace roll over me. That petrified me. i cant get any perspective anymore.

OP posts:
Conflugenglugen · 16/07/2012 10:48

btw, OP, just to add something here that might well reinforce the conclusion you've come to (and I'm sorry it has come to this for you): smirking is not necessarily a deliberate response, but is often an uncontrollable reaction that is, in essence, an admission of guilt. This is backed up by the fact that he didn't talk with you immediately - he was in his own state of shock and needed to regroup. I think he is lying through his teeth.