To wish the word "narc" and its general usage could be wiped off the face of Mumsnet.

[GothAnneGeddes]

Narc as in short for Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

There is a lot of debate about personality disorders within mental health and how they should be categorised anyway.

Often this term is used on Mumsnet when the person has never been diagnosed with any form of mental health issue, it's just a lazy shorthand for behaviours that the poster doesn't like. Then you have people who've never even met the person being discussed diagnosing them with it on here.

AIBU to think that armchair diagnosis is a bad idea and it needs to stop?

BPD isn't bipolar. It's borderline personality disorder

Sorry! Actually I remember you mentioning it before I shouldve remembered.

It's ok. I spose bipolar is the more commonly known one, but it's not generally shortened to BPD.

(Also, not that it matters but you need an in-date assessment, not one from childhood. I am now going completely off-track.)

There is an issue with lack of help for adults though in general which is a big factor in this whole issue. Unless you are in education (as a student) no one really gives a shit.

I agree with that amber. I think adults with mental illness or any kind of non-physical difficulties face a really hard time still. This is why I'm split on whether or not I agree with the OP - because it's good that we're increasingly aware of mental illness and aware it's (relatively) common ... it's just there are still a lot of misconceptions that hurt people.

To some (victims of DV for example) it's comforting to know there could be a tangible reason why their abuser is doing what they are doing.

When I started complaining about my now Ex, the N word was floated, I looked into it, he doesn't tick any of the boxes. My Mum/Sis too are vile to me when it suits them, but they too while a closer run thing, are also NOT Narcs.

These people are all just deeply flawed and unpleasant. It would have helped me to see they THEY were wrong, and not me, having endured a lifetime of being told so. I had to figure out they were wrong in other ways. Got there in the end

I understand the frustration of mis-labelling. I've had depression and someone saying they are a bit depressed does get RIGHT on my tits, but twas ever thus.... we know they don't know what they are talking about, and pray that they never do.

I use the word every day as in my husbands family and mine are full of blooming narcs and no they havent been diagnosed but ive read enough on the subject to know which ones are.

Although i do agree not everyone who is accused of being one is, some are just showing behaviours of one.

When i went into Child Protection, from Mental Health, i was surprised how many people did have previously undiagnosed PD's. They only came to the attention of servces because there was issues with their parenting.

I don't think that they are rare.

For some it didn't happen until the third or more child.

However, there is interesting debate around whether as a society we become more rights based, we are looking for MH's as reasons for people not following a defined Norm. So not that more people have MH's conditions, but whether is is an abnormal trait and not just in Human makeup.

Some argue that it is the constructed perception/standard of what a 'good' relationship/parent/citizen, should be that is causing increasing diagnosis and that somepeople cannot live up to that.

Child abuse/neglect, for example, was a way of life in previous generations.

X posted.

Adult services are diabolical.

LRD. Yes more awareness is a good thing. I think there's always some that will get it wrong and offend someone but overall if it encorages dialogue about the issues it must be a positive in the long run?

amber - sure. I guess I'm just wanting to mention the possible downsides because sometimes people don't realize.

birds that is really interesting. I will remember the bit about traits/norms.

I think we are learning more and more about how much variation there is between people and this is a good thing.

I remember reading that lots of parents of children diagnosed with autistic spectrum disorders then go on to be diagnosed themselves because they look back and identify with their childs difficulties and go through lots of thought on it throughout the assessment process.

Well over the last few years since my son was diagnosed I have had several lightbulb moments as has my own father. But I'd dearly love to know where all these other parents get diagnosed! Cos I don't have the first clue.

Sorry OP this has really gone off track! Or not as the case may be.

Just to re-iterate, personality disorders are not mental illnesses. Neither are ASDs, dyslexia/dyscalula, ADD et al.

Schizophrenia is an illness. Anorexia is an illness. Depression, anxiety, bi-polar and mania can be pathological (illnesses). Illnesses threaten the health of the sufferer and can be cured, or remit. The 'disorders' above are permanent conditions which generally do not threaten the life of the sufferer.

Approximately 10% of adults have one of the aggressive Cluster B sociopathological disorders to a clinical level. This can only be approximate because the vast majority never present for treatment.

Given that the Relationships board has a well-deserved hard hitting reputation, I do not find it surprising that about half of the OPs seem to be living with pathologically disordered partners. I have no problem with pointing those posters to information that may help them understand their personal hell fits a recognised pattern and is not their fault.

Every time I join a thread like this, I ask the complainants if they want to propose any (more useful than "arse") alternative terms to describe certain defined types of inflexible personality. No-one has yet. Any offers?

garlic, you can't possibly tell from a posting on the internet from ONE person's perspective that the person in question fits that pattern of behaviour. I'm stunned that anyone thinks they can.

Well said garlicbutter, bet no one can think any up.

Amber, getting an adult AS diagnosis is really hard and costs a small fortune. Moreover, its only outcome tends to be a disability label which isn't a lot of help to an adult whose life is already functioning. As you know, I'm a big fan of self-knowledge so I do believe it is useful to identify traits in oneself and find out how to manage them if needed.

I thought you were diagnosed, though?

I know that garlic, but there are many things that are not physical conditions, which tend to be self-diagnosed or attributed to people. I don't know a good umbrella term for them all.

I don't understand why you think other people should come up with a term when what they seem to be objecting to is the use of the term in the first place? I think you're talking cross-purposes, is what I mean.

(Not ignoring you now, btw, just off out.)

yellowraincoat, read up about narcs, most of them avoid counselling like the plague. So how can we ever find out how many there?

Also loads of posters are giving descriptions of their partner or mum/dad and it sounds like they are describing a narcissist but probably dont have the awareness yet of what they are dealing with.

I differ, yrc. As I keep saying, I'm not interested in a clinical diagnosis; there's no point to it. I am interested in people whose thinking is dysfunctionally rigid.

My PD book characterises BPD as the extreme end of a 'mercurial' personality type. How do you feel about that? I've got to say it doesn't fit all that well with your posting persona but - as with all human personalities - you learn more from what others say about it than the person themselves. Would other people describe you as mercurial, as far as you know?

just to re-iterate, personality disorders are not mental illnesses. Neither are ASDs, dyslexia/dyscalula, ADD et al

Yes. Lots of people find mental health issues scary and taboo. I have noticed this since my sons diagnosis even more. Peoples attitudes are often awful.

They seem to think because its not something that they can see ie a limp or a person needing to use a wheelchair. They think its a mental health issue.

I have explained many times autism is a neuro developmental disorder.

They always want to know if it will be cured or if he will grow out of it! Hmm yeah when he grows a brand new brain!

Well prompted, LRD, I'm late too!

Hmm yeah when he grows a brand new brain!

Made me LOL. Good note to go out on :)

Amber. I thought you were diagnosed, though?

No Garlic I think you may be confusing me with Amberlight who I think has been diagnosed.

She posts lots on SN boards and I got my name before I knew of her existance!

If I was diagnosed for me the main benefit would be an understanding of why so many things have been so difficult throughout my life despite being intelligent.

Also I know it would help my son cope/deal with his own diagnosis.

Honestly, I think none of you have a clue. You can't say BPD is this ONE thing. It's about being mercurial. That's nonsense. Just so one-sided and ridiculous.

I know plenty about NPD, thanks. I know they don't go for counselling. God knows, I KNOW.

Hiding this thread, it's honestly just offensive.