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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have bollocked my mother for cutting off DS curls when she babysat today

131 replies

pinkpeppa · 14/07/2012 23:03

so I had a rare day out shopping with my sister today

mother, father and brother offered to babysit my DS 5 and DD 3. dont often see them so thought it would be a nice time for everyone.

came back to find she has taken him to the barber and all his curls have gone.

I still feel sick and upset. I shouted at her earlier this evening about it, and still really gutted she did this.

We have a strange relationship as it is, quite a lot of abuse at home towards my older sister during our adolescence, so I did doubt whether I really should leave my kids with them at all

just seems like she did it to get a reaction, which she did get

help me to calm down and forget about it! i just hope the curls grow back

OP posts:
Redknickerswillstoptrains · 15/07/2012 07:05

Can just say curls don't always grow back,I made that mistake will ds1,ds2 never had curly hair and ds3 has long and curly hair.The unforgivable thing here is that your ds is aware of how badly he has been treated in the past,OP it is time to leave.

3duracellbunnies · 15/07/2012 07:11

I only leave my children asleep with GP as I still remember being smacked, and don't want that for my children. When they are a bit older and less likely to misbehave maybe. I know my parents prefer the 'spare the rod, spoil the child' philosophy, but they do always comment on how well behaved my dc are despite my lack of smacking.

I think your focus on the curls is probably because you have no way of knowing what else went on, but you regret ever leaving them in the first place. I would have been gutted if someone else had made that decision, but ds had his curls cut off when he was 2 and he does look very smart with his haircut.

I think that you said it was 3 years since you had a day out without the dc. Maybe you and oh need to come to some arrangement that once a month one of you needs a day off, it can be draining spending almost every waking moment with the same little person, some regular breaks with someone you trust can really help..

FallenCaryatid · 15/07/2012 07:14

Can I say that I plan on being a retired teacher in a few years and I still find what happnened completely unacceptable? Power trips notwithstanding, the OP has a seriously screwed-up relationship with her mother, and I'd be giving it a break for a few years.

Original poster
pinkpeppa · 15/07/2012 08:13

morning, thanks for the replies.

I'm taking both DCs out now until 7pm today, just the 3 of us. We are sharing the guest room, they have had a good sleep and DS is ok. I will talk to him again when we're out.

Relationship with her is so damaged. She is already cooking a sunday roast for lunch, we are clearly expected to stay here for lunch. She is very controlling am already in therapy.

I dont trust her and willl never leave kids with their nanna again.

OP posts:
LauraPalmer · 15/07/2012 08:23

OP, I think your mother 'smacking' your (or any) child/children is much more of a concern than her cutting their hair. In fact, the overreaction to the haircut that you - and many other posters - have expressed is slightly mind-boggling. It's just hair. It was just a haircut, nothing permanent, and it will grow back - curly or not.

On the other hand, 'smacking' is a very serious issue. I'm not sure why you're continuing to stay at the house of someone who, by your account, has physically abused your child?

Seems to me like you've transferred the hurt/anger/disgust about her abusive behaviour onto your reaction to the haircut. Perhaps you should instead be honest with her about how hurt/angry/disgusted you are that she 'smacks' children.

Stand up for

musicposy · 15/07/2012 08:24

Blow the Sunday lunch and what is "expected" of you. I would leave and probably not speak for a very long time.

But then I grew up in a lovely home and have the confidence never to take this kind of awfulness from anyone.

Try and find the confidence to leave and stand up for you all, OP. She did a horrible thing - it wasn't her right in any way and the fact she is not grovelling at your feet with apologies (which she should be) makes it worse.

LauraPalmer · 15/07/2012 08:25

yourself and your children.

musicposy · 15/07/2012 08:30

The people who are saying "it's only hair" - I'm not sure it's the hair itself that makes it so upsetting. Yes, OP would have had to get her DS a haircut eventually. But that isn't the point. It's her decision, no one else's. It's more the fact that the mother went and did something like that behind her daughter's back, without even asking if it was OK. It smacks of controlling and abusiveness.

It's not just "only hair". When I was 10, my mother was in hospital for a month. My grandmother (father's mother) looked after me and the first thing she tried to do was get all my hair cut off. It sounds stupid, because my mother was on death's door (she survived, thankfully) and you'd think that's what you'd remember, but when I think back to the hair thing, I could cry even now remembering how I felt.

Never underestimate the damage this kind of control freakery can do to a child. Get out, OP and never, ever, leave her in charge of your children again. You have no idea what else she might decide to do. Sad

thebody · 15/07/2012 08:36

Why would you still be there?? I would have packed up and gone. She effectively assaulted your child by cutting his hair and smacking him??, go home op and don't let her within 10 feet of your children again.

lauratheexplorer · 15/07/2012 08:38

YANBU but you know that. Who does that??

dottyspotty2 · 15/07/2012 08:39

YANBU really hope they grow back DS cut DD's curls off and they never grew back again Sad his used to grow back when he was little but took forever and never the same

RubyGates · 15/07/2012 08:50

My mother did this to my son (DS1 now 24) when I had repeatedly told her not to. He had told her he liked it long (he was older than your child). She does not respect me as an adult or parent, and this was yet another way of displaying her utter contempt for me.

It was the final straw in an already very strained relationship. I will not see her without another more reasonable member of the family in attendance, and I have not visited her at her lovely home by the sea since DS2 was born despite her pleas. I know she cannot change.

maristella · 15/07/2012 10:35

I think your mother needs a fucking haircut.

Proudnscary · 15/07/2012 10:39

Maristella - or maybe a head cut?

Am so Angry and Sad for you OP.

What a hostile and damaging woman. I would consider cutting (no pun intended) contact - seriously.

pigletmania · 15/07/2012 10:40

I have just found time to read through the rest of your posts. The fact that your ds said to you that they were not nice to him today is more important than a haircut. It's the reasons behind the haircut that are wrong, not your m being helpful, but to control and try and get a reaction from you. I would gently ask ds why they were not nice, dnt leave him with tem

pigletmania · 15/07/2012 10:46

The smacking is bad too if it's something you are against at home and don't do it.

pigletmania · 15/07/2012 10:47

I would be out of there, nevermind the blooming roast. Why the hell art you staying, see she is exerti g co trol over you

emdelafield · 15/07/2012 10:48

I would go today regardless of any complications with travel etc.

I think you need to draw a line in the sand and make it crystal clear that this is totally unacceptable.

I think the hair cutting was a wicked and calculated thing to do and was designed to hurt you.

Normally I am a compromise / anything for a quiet life sort of gal so I am not saying this lightly.

makingachange · 15/07/2012 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jiggleballs123 · 15/07/2012 10:54

I'd be more concerned about her smacking your ds and him telling you that they were not nice to him aswell as her abusing your sister.

I'm not sure why you haven't left already but think that you should go home.

maristella · 15/07/2012 11:07

proudnscary she would definitely need a smack if she has been dishing them out! I'd smack anyone that were to smack my child!

Seriously I'd be at her with the scissors for this! Her hair I mean.

maristella · 15/07/2012 11:08

Now can you see why my toxic witch of a mother hates my guts? She can't get away with anything and it pisses her off immensely

LurkeyLurkerson · 15/07/2012 11:33

He said they wern't very nice to him and you're more upset about the haircut? Shock

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 15/07/2012 11:46

OP, my DMum cut DD1's hair while I was in hospital having DD2. Even without all the issues you have I was fucking livid and it took me ages together over it. It was odd - those first few days with a new DC when everything is different and you are trying to get used to the new order of the universe were made so much more difficult just because DD1 looked so different like she wasn't my PFB any more. like I said, odd, but hard to deal with.

So no YADNBU.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 15/07/2012 11:47

Together over it? To get over it FFS stupid iPad!

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