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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be cross OH gone off drinking by himself because he is "stressed"

112 replies

Ambivalence · 14/07/2012 22:02

I met up with a friend at 4 this afternoon, I guess he was expecting me to spend the evening with her, when I came home at 7 he wasn't home so rang to ask where he was - he said he's gone into the city for a drink as he was stressed, and that he's been smoking too. I told him that drinking and smoking won't help with the stress and that he should come and we can talk. He said he would be back "soon" Now he has switched his phone off.

He has done this before and I hate it. We have split up over this before. He is 45 so it is not going to change, but I am so fed up with this behaviour - he is not supposed to be smoking, he was supposed to be applying for jobs tonight (he has a job but is loking for a better one).

Apart from this things are good betweeen us. Am I expecting too much for him not to do this every few months?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 14/07/2012 22:04

He only goes out for a drink every few months?

fivegomadindorset · 14/07/2012 22:06

Every few months? Sorry is that it?

FutTheShuckUp · 14/07/2012 22:06

YABU let him have a night out

AngryFeet · 14/07/2012 22:07

Are you his mum? Hmm

JumpingThroughHoops · 14/07/2012 22:07

Yes, he's an adult. You don't mention any children, therefore no childcare involved. If you go out and are expected to be out for the evening (ok so you aren't) then you have absolutely no right to dictate the means by which your partner can leave the house to unwind (ok deviant sexual paid for practices excepted) but you know exactly what I mean.

Jesus, he goes out once every few months and you have the gall to moan about it when you've been socialising? Unless he comes back screaming drunk and pisses in the linen basket stop being so controlling.

Squeegle · 14/07/2012 22:07

Sounds like there is more to it than just the occasional solitary drink plus fag or two.....

Original poster
Ambivalence · 14/07/2012 22:08

He just moved to the UK 3 months ago from holland , so he doesn't have many friends yet to go for drinks with. He goes for a drink every friday night with his colleagues for a few hours, and meets up with old friends every few weeks ( he lived in london 8 years ago, then we broke up and he moved back to holland, so most of his mates from those days have moved away), bhut most of the time we socialise with my friends - about 3 nights a week

OP posts:
Johnnydeppsnewmrs · 14/07/2012 22:09

If it is only every few months, rather than every week (or worse every night) why does it bother you so much?
I find a relaxing night with a few wines helps my stress levels....
Why can't he job hunt tomorrow (or when he feels like it?) as he has a job already, surely it can wait till he is less stressed?

Bluestocking · 14/07/2012 22:09

Do you mean smoking tobacco or smoking hash?

JumpingThroughHoops · 14/07/2012 22:10

Oh for the love of God almighty - you bot h socialise with your friends 3 nights a week, but of he goes out you are all mardy?

Original poster
Ambivalence · 14/07/2012 22:10

I don't mind him going out with his friends. i find the going out to the pub by himself strange, and it worries me that he may get so drunk as to be unsafe.

There are no kids - it is not an issue about me being alone for the evening, i just don't think it is a good way to deal with stress - talking it out would be so much better - he does have lots of close friends in holland who he talks to about problems, I wish he's done that instead.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 14/07/2012 22:11

Well maybe he's fed up of socialising with your friends and wants to make some friends of his own.

Was he supposed to stay home alone watching the clock...eagerly awaiting your return?

WorraLiberty · 14/07/2012 22:12

What's strange about him going to the pub alone?

If he gets drunk, he gets drunk.

Stop inventing reasons to be pissed off about this.

Johnnydeppsnewmrs · 14/07/2012 22:12

It sounds from your OP that he was expecting to be home alone all night, so he probably thought "stuff it, if she can go out so can I!"

Original poster
Ambivalence · 14/07/2012 22:15

he is smoking cigarettes, not hash. I am annoyed about the smoking because he was doing so well at quitting - he was on champix ( anti-smoking drug) for 3 months.

I know it is hard for him - he moved to london 3 months ago and his job is an hour and a half commute from here, but he gets up at 6 am every day and goes to work, and doesn't get back home til 6pm. He's taken a massive pay cut, and he is stressed that if he gets a new job, it will be a month without pay ( he is currently paid weekly). I tried to explain to him this morning that I can tide us over with that.

We are nplanning our wedding atm and that is stressful too, I just wish he's deal with stress in amore constructive way, and that I couold help him.

OP posts:
JumpingThroughHoops · 14/07/2012 22:16

He's supposed to be home looking for a better job because you are out with your mates?

If I were him I'd right back on Le Shuttle and waving taa*raa

WorraLiberty · 14/07/2012 22:17

How long have you been together this time round?

Original poster
Ambivalence · 14/07/2012 22:18

Well clearly i am unreasonable then...

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 14/07/2012 22:20

Good grief: you sound really controlling. I'm not surprised he's switched his phone off.

Original poster
Ambivalence · 14/07/2012 22:23

We were first together from 1998 (when i was 21 and he was 32), long distance, he moved over from holland and we lived together from 2002 to 2004, we split up because I felt too young to marry and he wouldn't control his drinking. Got back together in October 2011, he left holland nand moved in with me in March, we got engaged last month, will marry in the spring.

he is looking for a new job because he took a job in a call centre using his dutch so that he could show he is living in london on his CV, but it only pays £9/hour, and he wants to get back into IT, which he was doing in holland, which is much better paid, he finds the call centre work frustrating so is keen to change.

I earn a good salary so can support us for a few months, but it is him who wants to apply for jobs

OP posts:
lurkedtoolong · 14/07/2012 22:23

You are very unreasonable. Poor bugger has come from Holland to UK to be with you and you seem to want to control everything he does. I'd be running for the hills (or flat bits of land in Holland)

TidyDancer · 14/07/2012 22:23

Wow, I was waiting for the revelation. There usually is one in posts like this, to explain why the OP's are so controlling and unreasonable.

So yeah, sorry, YABU.

Let the poor guy have a bit of time to himself. While it perfectly okay for you to share your opinion on his activities, if he's doing nothing wrong then it's not for you to control what he does or how he deals with his feelings.

WorraLiberty · 14/07/2012 22:26

God so you've only been living together for 3 months and he mustn't go out and have a drink alone, while you're out with your mate anyway?

I'd put the wedding on hold to be honest....at least until you've lived together this time round for a couple of years.

Original poster
Ambivalence · 14/07/2012 22:26

I am not controlling - he is very obsessed with routines, and likes to plan in advance what we are doing, and make "appointments". he is cross because we were supposed to go engagement ring shopping this afternoon but I got a call from a friend who had just split up with her fiancee and was upset so I went to see her instead, but I felt she needed the support more.

OP posts:
MaryMotherOfCheeses · 14/07/2012 22:26

OP, do you think he's likely to come home steaming?

Does he go off the rails?