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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be cross OH gone off drinking by himself because he is "stressed"

112 replies

Ambivalence · 14/07/2012 22:02

I met up with a friend at 4 this afternoon, I guess he was expecting me to spend the evening with her, when I came home at 7 he wasn't home so rang to ask where he was - he said he's gone into the city for a drink as he was stressed, and that he's been smoking too. I told him that drinking and smoking won't help with the stress and that he should come and we can talk. He said he would be back "soon" Now he has switched his phone off.

He has done this before and I hate it. We have split up over this before. He is 45 so it is not going to change, but I am so fed up with this behaviour - he is not supposed to be smoking, he was supposed to be applying for jobs tonight (he has a job but is loking for a better one).

Apart from this things are good betweeen us. Am I expecting too much for him not to do this every few months?

OP posts:
suburbophobe · 14/07/2012 22:29

You are not his mother, he's an adult so if he wants to go out and chill in whichever way he wants, he has a perfect right.

You sound like a control freak.

Bluestocking · 14/07/2012 22:29

I do think you are being a bit unreasonable. His life doesn't sound much fun at the moment, and you have known him for long enough to know that he's a heavy drinker. Does he enjoy all the nights out with your friends?

JumpingThroughHoops · 14/07/2012 22:29

he is cross because we were supposed to go engagement ring shopping this afternoon but I got a call from a friend who had just split up with her fiancee and was upset so I went to see her instead, but I felt she needed the support more

You answered your own dilema really - you had a significant arrangement with your P, but put him aside for a friend. Of course friends with traumas need sorting , but you could have made your P and your life together the important thing today. you chose not to.

I'm not surprised he's gone out.

AgentZigzag · 14/07/2012 22:30

If you don't think he'll ever stop drinking/smoking and you don't think you can live with his drinking/smoking habits, the question has to be why you think you're compatible enough to get married?

They sound like they're huge things to you, can you accept him for what he is?

KissMyEmbroideryHoop · 14/07/2012 22:33

My DH goes for a drink on his own now and then....many people like it...he reads the paper and has a couple of pints. He chooses "old men" type pubs as he thinks they're homey.

YABU. And you sound a bit odd.

AnyFucker · 14/07/2012 22:33

meh

suburbophobe · 14/07/2012 22:33

No wonder he switches his phone off....

Bottom line is, do you want this for the next 20 years or are you going to pick up your own life instead?... Why bother with him if he just frustrates you. You have your own life.

"Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie is a great book, I'm reading it at the moment cos I've been there, done that....

All the best ((hugs))

Greybitch · 14/07/2012 22:35

And this is one of the reasons that I'll never get married.

If you can't get passed a little bit of drinking, don't be with him. If the good bits surpass that, stay with him. A night out in the pub every so often is fine, surely?

rhondajean · 14/07/2012 22:37

Hang on everyone.

Op says they already split because he couldn't control his drinking.

I suspect this may not be as much about him going out as the state he comes back in.

Kids or not, it's not good to to have to sit waiting and wondering about someone you love.

suburbophobe · 14/07/2012 22:39

Oh, I love those homey pubs too, just to chill out and have a look at the paper and the world going by....have a chat with the lovely bar peeps.

Nothing like taking a break in between the madness that is called life... for a mum, like an office lunch break LOL

Original poster
Ambivalence · 14/07/2012 22:39

The smoking is a huge thing, for health reasons.

The drinking doesn't bother me so much if it is at a weekend, but if he gets drunk on a weeknight and then misses work because he is hungover, then yes, it really bothers me.

I like a drink myself, and am an ex smoker - it is because he talks about wanting to not drink and smoke, and then goes and does it that I get annoyed. Also I worry - he won't just get a cab when he is steaming drunk, but insists on walking home, and he is just not safe - once ( in 2005), he fell over when drunk and really hurt himself.

I did feel bad about not going ring shopping, but it was my best friend and she is having a really hard time and I wanted to be there for her. Clearly i was in the wrong there.

He does enjoy the nights out with my friends - there are a couple in particular he really likes. Ther ones he finds dull I see by myself.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 14/07/2012 22:40

I can understand why the OPs miffed, I used to be the same and it could feel like the person choosing to go out was a bit of a negative 'I'm choosing not to be with you' thing, which can hurt when you're needy insecure.

I'm not quite sure how his being a stickler for routines makes you not want him to go out OP.

Or is it that you're more worried about his stress levels and seeing him drinking/smoking are indicators to you that he's struggling?

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 14/07/2012 22:40

What rhonda says.

As I asked earlier, I'm wondering what state he comes home in.

WorraLiberty · 14/07/2012 22:44

Look whatever state he does or doesn't come home in, the OP should know him by now.

Yet she's let him move straight in with her after moving here from Holland and intends to marry the bloke.

If she's going to do that, she can't really wring her hands and complain about him popping out alone for a drink and a few cigarettes can she?

It's one thing when you don't know what a person is like, but she clearly does.

AThingInYourLife · 14/07/2012 22:46

Going out to get drunk by yourself isn't great, really, is it?

rhondajean · 14/07/2012 22:46

If he has said he will stop it, perhaps she's naive to believe, but really, if you love someone youwant to believe th best don't you.

And people can change - ie accept they have responsibility and can't trot off getting rat arsed any more.

AgentZigzag · 14/07/2012 22:48

Everyone's your friend when you've had a few AThing.

Original poster
Ambivalence · 14/07/2012 22:51

He will come back completely drunk and then pass out/ go to sleep.

Apart from this, the rest of our relationship is fantastic, we get on incredible welll, he is kind and thoughful.

I feel bad that he is stressed and that is making him drink and smoke. I want to be supportive. he is finding the commuting difficult, and he doesn't have as much time as he's like for himself. he likes time to himself, and I try to be understanding about that and go out sometimes/ go to another room so he can get on with his things.

I am really proud of him working so hard, I just want him to be happy and not stressed.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 14/07/2012 22:51

"once ( in 2005), he fell over when drunk and really hurt himself."

that is seven, yes SEVEN!!! years ago.. you really need to loosen up a bit..

you actually sound like an utter bloody control freak!

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 14/07/2012 22:53

Relationships simply aren't always that straight forward are they LIberty.

Some are complicated and not perfect and it sounds like this might be one of them.

AgentZigzag · 14/07/2012 22:55

If he wants a smoke when he has a drink he might be going out if he knows it upsets you OP.

Or he could just be trying to get to know the people in the pubs so he can get some friends of his own? What's the culture like in Holland? Do people socialise in pubs on their own more? (if he's from there)

Bluestocking · 14/07/2012 22:55

What's his drinking like the rest of the time? Does he drink a lot when you're on your three nights a week out with friends, or is the bingeing confined to his very occasional nights out alone?

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 14/07/2012 22:55

OP, do you think he has a problem with alcohol?

Original poster
Ambivalence · 14/07/2012 22:56

Thanks for the post about codependency, suburbophobe, it is something I have thought about.

Yes, I know he is a heavy drinker, and I can accept that, I would just much prefer it if he drank in a safe environment - at home or a friend's house. I don't have a problem with him going out by himself to the pub to watch football - it is him going out by hinself to get drunk I don't lke. If he did that at home it would be fine.

I was very naive when i split up with him when I was 26, he was my first boyfriend, and most of my friends were still single. now I have had a bit more life experience I realise he is a real gem, and much, much nicer than most men. The relationship is solid, i am just sad/ guilty that he isn't happy.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 14/07/2012 22:59

Yes but if this relationship isn't straight forward

If the OP doesn't like him going out drinking alone

If he's always been the same

If he's not going to change

Why oh why marry the man? You'll just make him miserable and he'll make you stressed and miserable.

Just live together....that way if it goes tits up again like it did in the past, everything's so much easier.

If he 'conforms' to how you want him to be, that's a bonus for you.