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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be cross OH gone off drinking by himself because he is "stressed"

112 replies

Ambivalence · 14/07/2012 22:02

I met up with a friend at 4 this afternoon, I guess he was expecting me to spend the evening with her, when I came home at 7 he wasn't home so rang to ask where he was - he said he's gone into the city for a drink as he was stressed, and that he's been smoking too. I told him that drinking and smoking won't help with the stress and that he should come and we can talk. He said he would be back "soon" Now he has switched his phone off.

He has done this before and I hate it. We have split up over this before. He is 45 so it is not going to change, but I am so fed up with this behaviour - he is not supposed to be smoking, he was supposed to be applying for jobs tonight (he has a job but is loking for a better one).

Apart from this things are good betweeen us. Am I expecting too much for him not to do this every few months?

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 14/07/2012 23:00

Are you taking it as an 'all or nothing' thing a bit too much maybe?

Just because he's destressing by going out on his own once in a while doesn't necessarily mean he's unhappy with his whole life.

You can have bits you don't like at the same time as being contented.

Original poster
Ambivalence · 14/07/2012 23:02

Yes, I do think he has a problem with alcohol. After we split up in 2004 he drank even more heavily, which culminated in an epileptic type fit in 2008 - whihc is when he cut back a lot.

When we meet up with friends, he'll drink the same as everyone else (moderate amounts). The binge drinking is when he is stressed/ upset, and confined to occasional nights out alone. I do understand, as i do this myself - but at home, where I can't get mugged etc.

no-one is perfect, and apart from this, we are very happy. I know he has given up a lot to be with me, esp his friends and he missed them.

Going out alone is more normal in holland - he lived in a fairly small city and would stick to a couple of local cafes, so would always see someone he knew there. It is not like that in london. I suggested to him that we join the pub quiz in our local so he can get to know people that way, I don't know how else you are supposed to make new mates - a sports team perhaps. he is v outgoing and likes meeting new people.

OP posts:
ThePigOnTheWall · 14/07/2012 23:02

My dh (also Dutch as it happens) often goes to the pub by himself. He works shifts do he's often off work when I'm at work. He goes for a pint, the company, and some peace.

Tbh if I were your fiancé, and you'd blown me out when we were supposed to go engagement ring shopping, I would have gone out, got bladdered and come home and called the wedding off.

Gumby · 14/07/2012 23:02

Why didn't you go out with him?
No kids & the chance to go out on a Saturday night? Envy

WorraLiberty · 14/07/2012 23:04

Going out alone in London is completely normal and always has been in the 43yrs I've lived here Confused

AgentZigzag · 14/07/2012 23:07

But everything you suggest is all about you being able to keep an eye on him OP, like he's not worldly wise enough to be let out on his own.

It does sound a bit suffocating if he's used to having his own circle of friends and family.

I know the incident where he hurt himself must play on your mind, but you're overestimating the risks.

Original poster
Ambivalence · 14/07/2012 23:08

Zigzag - yes, we both take the "all or nothing" approach too much. I know I suffer from black or white thinking.

I know he will always do this, and at least as time goes on I get used to it and it bothers me less. No-one is perfect - I am not, so I can't expect him to be either.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 14/07/2012 23:10

Don't marry him if his drinking bothers you.

We're not living in the 1950's

You can live together you know....

ThePigOnTheWall · 14/07/2012 23:11

Good point gumby. You should've gone and joined him.

Original poster
Ambivalence · 14/07/2012 23:12

I didn't go out with him because when i got home at 7, earlier than expected, he had gone out - I checked my phone and he'd texted saying " he needed some time for himself, was finding the rat race too stressful, that he's had soem wine and cigarettes". I rang him and said I'd come out with him, but he said he wasn't local, he's gone into the city, and would be back "soon". He'll prob be back at 1 or so.

I know I am very unreasonable and controlling, my mother was the same with my father and he really resented her, so I am trying to not repeat the same mistakes.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 14/07/2012 23:12

I always have a Dickensian image of London in the irrational part of my head.

Full of ragamuffins and rogues Grin

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 14/07/2012 23:13

Do you want to have children? I only ask that because you're posting on MN. If you're chilled about the drinking, that's fine, but if you're planning on having kids, it will become an issue again in the future.

ThePigOnTheWall · 14/07/2012 23:15

Well then, go to bed, keep his side warm for him and talk in the morning

Original poster
Ambivalence · 14/07/2012 23:16

Yes, we are planning on having children, and will try to conceive on our honeymoon.

Another stress on him is that I am seeing my GP on monday to discuss coming off my medication ( anti-depressants and mood stabiliser, both for bipolar illness). He is worried about how I will be when I come off my meds, as I am already difficult, demanding and clingy as it is.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 14/07/2012 23:16

When I was being controlling I didn't know I was being unreasonable, I thought they were not wanting to be with me.

So if you're onto what you're like, you're in a good position to stop yourself.

Which just leaves his vices and whether you can accept and live with them.

Original poster
Ambivalence · 14/07/2012 23:18

I am so relieved MN thinks his behaviour is normal - my mother really likes him, but strongly disapproves of men going to the pub.

OP posts:
RichTeas · 14/07/2012 23:26

You could "help him" by giving him a bit more freedom. You say you're not controlling but most comments so far suggest you are very controlling. You expect him to be applying for jobs on a Saturday night, alone, while you've just gone out with your mates? Careful, he might soon be heading back to Holland for some sanity.

AgentZigzag · 14/07/2012 23:30

Does he know what your mum's like and how she might have affected how you think?

Original poster
Ambivalence · 14/07/2012 23:34

He does know what my mum is like, and how it has affected my thinking, he also knows that her behaviour made my dad miserable (he died 5 years ago). She is also v controlling of her kids, and that he doesn't like that much.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ambivalence · 14/07/2012 23:35

I realise I am very controlling, I have been having therapy to work on it, and he thinks it has been helping a lot. I can be very clingy, and he doesn't like it, as he is used to spending time by himself.

OP posts:
MaryMotherOfCheeses · 14/07/2012 23:39

If I were you, I'd buy an engagement ring and book couples counselling at the same time.

You each have your issues, it's how you work them out together which will make your relationship last.

AgentZigzag · 14/07/2012 23:49

The difference between me when I was clingy and me now I can't stand other people is that I learned to enjoy the time I had on my own, which I wasn't able to do when I hated my own guts Grin

I'm more like your DP now and need a certain amount of space for myself.

What kind of stuff do you do on your own (away from him and work)?

Krumbum · 14/07/2012 23:58

Is he going drinking on his own? That's worrying.
I think turning his phone off is nasty, why does he want to worry?
Do you have kids? He should plan and tell you he's off out all night not just do it.

Original poster
Ambivalence · 15/07/2012 00:02

I don't do a lot of stuff by myself, apart from seeing my friends or going to the gym, but usually we go to the gym together.

He would like me to have a hobby, as he finds me quite demanding when we are at home together in the evenings, as I want to talk to him and he wants to be on his computer - applying for jobs, emailing his friends etc and he finds it difficult if I interrupt him because i want to chat, so I try to keep myself busy.

i don't actually want any new hobbies though - my job is quite demanding and when I come home I just want to veg out in front of the tv.

I know I can be very difficult and demanding, it is something I am really trying to work on.

I can manage by myself - I lived alone for the 7 years we were apart, so i don't think it is because i "need" him, I just enjoy us spending time together, he does too though.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 15/07/2012 00:07

Is there anything you're passionate about that could be a passtime you could get absorbed into?

What kinds of things did you do for kicks when you were living on your own?