to be cross OH gone off drinking by himself because he is "stressed"

[Ambivalence]

I met up with a friend at 4 this afternoon, I guess he was expecting me to spend the evening with her, when I came home at 7 he wasn't home so rang to ask where he was - he said he's gone into the city for a drink as he was stressed, and that he's been smoking too. I told him that drinking and smoking won't help with the stress and that he should come and we can talk. He said he would be back "soon" Now he has switched his phone off.

He has done this before and I hate it. We have split up over this before. He is 45 so it is not going to change, but I am so fed up with this behaviour - he is not supposed to be smoking, he was supposed to be applying for jobs tonight (he has a job but is loking for a better one).

Apart from this things are good betweeen us. Am I expecting too much for him not to do this every few months?

Don't give him shit when he gets in, eh, Ambivalence? Not even reverse shit about how concerned you are, etc.

He just got home, he was very drunk but he said he was finding living in london difficult, and he wanted to talk about it in the morning.
I gave him a big hug and told him I knew it was hard. He wants 15 minutes to get properly asleep before I join him in the bed.

I am not going to give him shit - tomorrow I will try to give him understanding

I hope you can find a way through this. I grew up with a father who drank heavily and on regular occasions got blind drunk at home and at the pub. It's not fine. It shows a lack of respect for those you come back to. As a kid, I didn't understand. It was scary. As a young adult, I thought he drank because of the pressure of providing for us, because we weren't good enough. I felt guilty. Whatever the reason, there are other ways to deal with problems. I hope you find them. Especially before you bring children into the mix.

OP- I am sure you are absolutely lovey- but this is reminding me of why sometimes I NEVER want to be in another relationship. Nothing worse than wanting some time alone or out to just kick back and de-stress and come home much happier and then to have a partner going 'But WHY don't you want to be with me?????? Do you have intimacy issues???? Is this a drink problem?????'

To me going out drinking alone and coming back legless in the early hours is a big red flag.

That might be because it is a red flag I ignored myself, and then lived with 10 years of steadily closer together incidences. The phone turned off thing is very difficult to deal with in my experience. And it gets a hell of a lot harder when there are children added into the mix. . Personally I would steer clear of anyone who uses alcohol in this way to deal with difficult situations and loneliness. But maybe that's just me.

I do think you should be thinking about how you will feel about this type of behaviour 5, 10 years down the road, perhaps after you have children.... because he is not going to miraculously change his ways just because you're married. If you want a non-drinker, non-smoker... find one. Don't expect him to change to suit you.

FWIW, years ago, nobody had mobiles so they could track down their DHs in the pubs. Most survived just fine. Sometimes I think mobiles are horrendously intrusive of private or relaxation time. They serve their purpose in some instances, but too many people freak out over someone's mobile being off. (yes, guess that dates me as I remember when people could just go out for the evening without being hunted down on their mobiles )

I accept that he is not going to change. If it is only every few months, then I can live with it. If itv was a more frequent thing then it would be an issue.

The main problem is he isn't happy with this behaviour himself, he is desperate to stop smoking, and is making an appointment to see the GP and go back on champix.

I think we both suffer lot from all or nothing thinking, this morning he was saying we shoud both quit drinking completely.

I haven't nagged him or got cross, I just let him talk about this in his own time.

This is one negative in what is otherwise a very good relationship, and as everyone has their vices, I will ahve to learn to accept that sometimes he turns off his phone and learn to deal with it.

When did he stop taking the Champix?

Jareth - about 6 weeks ago, the smoking agai9n has been in the last fortnight - he hasn't smoked for the last 2 days though, and is hoping he can stay stopped without needign to go on champix again.

Just asked because when friends of mine have stopped taking Champix they got very stressed and got withdrawal symptoms. From what I can gather its similar to withdrawal from antidepressants.

It lasted 1-2 months among various friends til they started feeling less twitchy and stressed.

Just saying.. he might actually be feeling very stressed.

Tbh the odd drink out isn't an issue.. and you can't make someone give up smoking.

I am not forcing him to give up smoking - it is something he wants to do for himself. As am ex-smoker myself i understand how he feels.

I did wonder about the withdrawl effects of champix, as it certainbly had effects when he was taking it - eg restless legs at night which have completely disappeared now

Does he have a history of depression at all? Chsmpix can have an awful effect on those with existing MH problems.

I feel your pain though. I gave up 5 years ago, while TTC DS. DP said he was giving up at the same time and still hasn't. High BP and trouble TTC DC2 and he's still not giving up :(