Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be cross OH gone off drinking by himself because he is "stressed"

112 replies

Ambivalence · 14/07/2012 22:02

I met up with a friend at 4 this afternoon, I guess he was expecting me to spend the evening with her, when I came home at 7 he wasn't home so rang to ask where he was - he said he's gone into the city for a drink as he was stressed, and that he's been smoking too. I told him that drinking and smoking won't help with the stress and that he should come and we can talk. He said he would be back "soon" Now he has switched his phone off.

He has done this before and I hate it. We have split up over this before. He is 45 so it is not going to change, but I am so fed up with this behaviour - he is not supposed to be smoking, he was supposed to be applying for jobs tonight (he has a job but is loking for a better one).

Apart from this things are good betweeen us. Am I expecting too much for him not to do this every few months?

OP posts:
Follyfoot · 15/07/2012 00:11

Krum why is him going for a drink on his own worrying? My DH loves time to himself - doing stuff he enjoys like sports and going to the pub. Its healthy and normal to do stuff on your own.

Its fine OP (assuming he doesnt have a drink problem). Lots of us need time to ourselves in healthy relationships. I love to be alone.

Krumbum · 15/07/2012 00:13

It's the drinking alcohol all evening that is worrying. Most people don't drink alone unless they have an alcohol problem.

Original poster
Ambivalence · 15/07/2012 00:20

When i was living by myself, I used to meet up with friends A LOT - theatre, opera, meals out. I still do that, if OH is interested, he comes along, if it's a chick flick or something he'll stay home. Otherwise if I was tired I'd do embroidery while watching tv.

I am quite happy about him spending time alone, i think it is normal and healthy for couples to have different interests and not live in each others pockets. I thin going out alone to get drunk and turning your phone off is not healthy behaviour though. I would rather he had a differnt way of lettting off steam, or if he did have to do this, to go out locally, so he was staggering distance from home though.

It bothers me that sometimes when he does this, he won't come home, but will get really drunk, and then just sleep in a hotel. I know this is not an excuse, and he is not unfaithful, I just find it sad that he doesn't feel he can come home.

It is late now, he has been out drinking for more than 5 hours, he will be really drunk by now, and I do worry about his safety :-(

I know I sometimes treat him like a child, i just don't want anything bad to happen to him - he really is the light of my life, and I am sad that he is lonely in London

OP posts:
Original poster
Ambivalence · 15/07/2012 00:21

He will admit he had an alcohol problem and drank too much when we split up, I am just sad to see it starting up (potentially) again

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 15/07/2012 00:27

It's the drinking alcohol all evening that is worrying. Most people don't drink alone unless they have an alcohol problem

Krumbum he's gone out alone to socialise....it's not like he's storing booze in the toilet cystern and taking secretive swigs Hmm

OP, I was thinking you really shouldn't get married so soon at the start of the thread but since you've posted about your personal issues, I'm now sure you shouldn't.

Live together for a few years and see what's what before thinking about marriage or kids.

You two really don't sound compatible

AgentZigzag · 15/07/2012 00:30

But the amount of time you spend worrying isn't balanced against the possibility of something happening to him, you worrying won't make a jot of difference to his fate

He knows you love him, he won't know that bit of information any more if he sees you getting jumpy every time he mentions going out (which he must have sussed if he's texting it to you and switching off afterwards).

He sounds really nice to me Smile

Krumbum · 15/07/2012 00:30

Ambivalence you need to target this now. He needs to address his drinking before it spirals out of control, maybe counselling?
He also needs to treat you with respect, staying out all night without telling you where is, turning of his phone and ignoring you is heartless and selfish. Tell him this is the last time he does this. I would use an ultimatum in this situation, you deserve better and he needs to know that.

Krumbum · 15/07/2012 00:32

How is going out drinking alone socialising? Confused

NovackNGood · 15/07/2012 00:33

So you learned ot enjoy the time on your own but you are still super heavy on your boyfriend so you need to earn to relax an let him do what he wants to do and nor try to control his life. If you can do that and still feel compatible then go ahead in your relationship with trust. If not then better you think about leaving because sound to be a little bit controlling and incompatible with him at the moment.

AgentZigzag · 15/07/2012 00:34

What ultimatum were you thinking of Krumbum?

Original poster
Ambivalence · 15/07/2012 00:34

WorraLiberty - I am absolutely sure we should get married, we are deeply in love, we will be living together for the next 9 months before we get married. I think no-one is perfect, and we are happy together, this is just something he does that I need to accept. I am not perfect and he accepts my imperfections. I think we could benefit from counselling, but I don't think this is a reason not to get married.

What personal issues do you think mean we shouldn't marry? My bipolar has been well controlled and I have been stable for 12 years. Our families both think we are good for each other. Yes, we do both have issues, but we are so much better and stronger together than we are apart. If he was living alone in holland he'd be out drinking by himself as well. It is my issue that I don't like it, and something I am going to have to learn to deal with, because I need to accept him as he is, a package deal, but what we have together is so wonderful it is worth it.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 15/07/2012 00:35

Because sociable people socialise with other people when they go out alone to socialise.

You don't have to sit in the corner of the snug bar in a rocking chair just because you've decided to go out without a friend.

And according to the OP, the guy doesn't have any local friends to go out with anyway...hence the need to go out alone.

I admire him...a lot of people would stay home or just stick to going out with the OP's friends in his situation.

It can't be easy being only 3 months into his latest stay in Britain.

Krumbum · 15/07/2012 00:37

To leave if you carried on being treated like that. I could not be in a relationship like that..

WorraLiberty · 15/07/2012 00:39

Sorry OP but I'm absolutely sure you shouldn't get married just yet.

His drinking split you up the first time

This time you're still unhappy about it and you seem put out in some way that he's not happy to simply sit around in your home...while you go to see your friend.

He decided to go out...have a drink and socialise because that's what he wants to do.

You tried to change him before and clearly failed, you won't change him now either...yet you can't seem to accept he is the way he is.

Marrying someone you're not happy with is madness imo.

Original poster
Ambivalence · 15/07/2012 00:44

Krumbum - that is why we splt up in 2004, he went out drinking in 2003, with the husband of one of my friends . They went out for a few beers on a monday night, said they'd be back at 10pm, they both switched off their phones.

At 1am she rang me and said her husand hadn't come home and she was worried, they both rocked in at 7am. I was cross about him turning his phone off and said I'd been worrying all night that he was lying in a gutter, and that if he hever did it again, it was over between us, as it was a betrayl of trust. he did it again ( with the same friend) in 2004, which was breaking the ultimatum, and so i ended our relationship, and refused to take him back. The 7 years we were apart, I never stopped thinking about him, he truely is the love of my life, I realise he willcontinue to do this and I just need to accept it. It is only ever few months, and althoough I don;t like it, the good things ( really wonderful things) in our relationship more than make up for it.

No-one else has ever come close to how I feel about him, the same for him, we love each other so much. I don't like this behavour, but I am prepared to accept it, because otherwise he is wonderful.

I just wish he was less stressed and didn't feel he needed to do this, but I do understand, because i am the same, once I have a drink, I don't want to stop, and I am sure he is having a great time ( he is v outgoing and can talk to strangers, and enjoys it). I jsut wish he wouldn't turn his phone off - we have discussed this before -he always is remorseful the next day, esp about turning his phone off, but he continues to do it, which is frustrating.

OP posts:
NovackNGood · 15/07/2012 00:48

Going to the pub/bar/cafe alone can be a great social time as there will always be someone to chat with there about anything and everything and you can pass a good couple of hours with strangers in pub without even knowing it and far more fun than sitting at home alone watching TV. Many people go watching sport in a bar to enjoy an atmosphere rather than their own sofa.

I tend to agree with worra that you should reconsider your future but then I would also say that he must be a good guy to know you are bipolar and be planning to marry you.

arthurfowlersallotment · 15/07/2012 00:48

He's not doing this often enough for it to be too much of an issue OP.
Everyone should have time to themselves.
It sounds like he has a lot to think about.
It's not quite the same but every week I leave DD with DP and bugger off for an hour. It keeps me sane.

If things are otherwise okay, I wouldn't stress about this.

AgentZigzag · 15/07/2012 00:55

'he must be a good guy to know you are bipolar and be planning to marry you.'

A bit harsh there Novak?

You've phrased that like the OP should be grateful for someone putting up with her.

Krumbum · 15/07/2012 01:01

There's a difference though between having some time to yourself and going out without saying where you are going, getting blind drunk, not being back when you say you will (a day later!) and turning off your phone.
It's putting your parnter through awful worry for no reason.
Having some alone time is fine, this behaviour is not.

AgentZigzag · 15/07/2012 01:14

But it's the reasoning behind why he does that which makes the difference Krumbum.

If he's doing it because he likes to switch off completely and knows the OP will hassle him if it's on, then he's doing it for the good of their relationship/self preservation.

There's nothing worse than needing escapism and being met with oppressive manipulation dressed up as concern.

He's a big lad and can decide for himself whether he wants to go out or not, he knows the OP knows she can work herself up into a state wondering about where the ditch he's fallen into and died is, he's just after a relaxing night, and being constantly reminded that someone's clock watching for your return isn't relaxing.

I'm sympathetic for OP because I know what it feels like, but I know now it's unreasonable and controlling behaviour.

Original poster
Ambivalence · 15/07/2012 01:16

He just texted that he is on his way home but " he got over stressed - he feels he is still a visitor to my home and my country" :-(

It is not realitic for me to move to holland, I would have to retrain in dutch law, and I need the family support I have here, if we are going to have children, his family can't offer that level of support

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 15/07/2012 01:19

Aww, three months is no time at all though.

Is this his first time away from Holland?

Original poster
Ambivalence · 15/07/2012 01:25

No, He lived with me from 2002 - 2004 in london, and then by himself in london for a year after we split. Once it was clear we were not going to get back together, he moved back to his hometown in holland because he missed his friends

OP posts:
Krumbum · 15/07/2012 01:26

Agentzigzag. It isnt oppressive and manipulative to care about some bodies welfare! Yes he is an adult but part of being in adult relationship is being a partnership, not deliberately trying to hurt the other person, being someone they can rely on!

AgentZigzag · 15/07/2012 01:33

It's not oppressive and manipulative to care about someone Krumbums Grin

But making it crystal clear to the other person that you'll be in a heightened state of anxiety until they return to you unharmed, can be used in a manipulative way.

'If you go out you're choosing to make me feel like this, so it's best you don't eh?' kind of way.

Subtle, but effective.