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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be absolutely incandescent about this?

131 replies

AmberNectarine · 14/07/2012 06:30

Not so 'D'H is off on a stag do this morning, back tomorrow PM. Normally we each have a lie in on a weekend morning, but obviously as he won't be here tomorrow morning I have no option but to get up with the DCs (2.6 and 12mo), which will likely be before 6am.

Now, as he is off on a jolly and I will be doing all the childcare this weekend I has rather foolishly assumed I would get the lone lie-in this morning, but when we discussed it last night I was informed I am incredibly selfish, as obviously overall he would get less sleep this weekend, as he is on a stag do.

Bit of background: I am on mat leave at the moment, DH works long hours and was away with work this week. He is also additionally tired as he was away with work for a couple of days this week, and was out out on the lash til gone midnight both nights (I know this as he phoned me 'to tell me that he loved me' while merry). Our DD (12mo) has never slept through and still wakes 3+ times per night, and as I am bf and he is working I deal with every single night waking, so the one little bit of uninterrupted sleep I get on a weekend morning is very precious to me, and I am loath to relinquish it.

Am I being unreasonable to think that, actually, that is his choice, and no one is forcing him to go and get ridiculously shitfaced and stay out til all hours, whereas I have no choice but to look after our children?

Disclaimer: my judgement may be clouded as I haven't had a night out since March and that was for a couple of hours.

OP posts:

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 14/07/2012 11:52

In my opinion you should get the lie in, he can have one Sunday I can't see a load of stags up at 6am.

I would ask for 2 next week. My dp goes out loads I don't begrudge him but a lie in is a treat for me so I too would be in mood!

WhoWillDoMyHoovering · 14/07/2012 12:08

(abody -thanks! )

paradisechick · 14/07/2012 12:41

God this place is like a parallel universe where spending on hubby's credit card, spa weekends and nighw nannies are the answer to problems.

How about you put your big girl panties on and deal with it and tell your husband to muck in or fuck off?

fizzyapples · 14/07/2012 13:39

That's the way lots roll on 'ere, paradise

Oh a night nanny, what I'd have given for a night nanny!! (Can't complain though.)

MrsCampbellBlack · 14/07/2012 13:58

Well a night nanny would have helped me - its not quite the same as a spa weekend surely?

Am assuming they can help with sleep routines and getting a baby to take a bottle.

Decameron · 14/07/2012 14:21

Amber, yanbu at all. I think your husband should read this thread.

I got a night nanny for DD1 a few times, it was money well spent.

Aboutlastnight · 14/07/2012 14:21

I knew someone with 50 million kids would come on and say they never organised lie-ins.

We did, it saved arguments. Now I work shifts, poor DP hardly ever gets a lie in poor love.

Krumbum · 14/07/2012 14:40

Yanbu

BoffinMum · 14/07/2012 14:47

Why are married men with young babies off on stag dos? Seems rather inappropriate.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 14/07/2012 14:50

Boffin- YANBU. My DH went through a brief phase of staying out later and getting a bit more drunk when DS1 came along. I think it was a slight railing against the responsibility. I sort of understand, but he never denigrated what I did in the way OP's husband sometimes does, and frankly, we all have to grow up.

ClaireBunting · 14/07/2012 15:12

boffin, I suppose it depends on your age.

We were married young and had our first two children in our late twenties. We had quite a few friends and colleagues just starting out on marriage at this time. Consequently, DH went to a few stag nights and I went to a few hen nights (maybe one or two a year). What seems to be different now compared with 15 - 20 years ago is that we just had one evening. Now, it is a whole weekend in Dublin or Amsterdam as standard.

The hen nights that I went to were pretty easy for a young mum - pub then local Italian. You could drop in or out, according to your let down reflex.

DH's stag nights were a bit more exciting (for him), and my role was to be a 2am taxi driver for him and others, with sleeping children in car seats.

I don't think I was mad about it at the time. If I was, I have lost those memories and have no feelings of resent. As a couple, we have always been keen for the other to have opportunities to go out. I'm glad that we didn't guilt trip one another.

TheEnglishWomanInTheAttic · 14/07/2012 16:10

Paradise I agree with you that putting spa weekends and night nannies on credit cards are not most people's reality! (Even if I had a spare who knows how much money I wouldn't have a clue where to find a reputable night nanny, short of google...)

However "Sort out the bottle and sleep issue" is very flippant - maybe your kids were good sleepers or had easily sorted sleep issues, took a bottle after a few tries or obvious strategies like different temperatures/ person giving the bottle, but some babies are adamant they are not drinking from a bottle and just will not do it, and for some of us unless we are willing to let them scream themselves into a purple, sweaty, vomiting mess we have to get up to our babies 3 or 4 times a night - if it were so easy to "sort the sleep issues" we would have done it, there wouldn't be such a big industry in sleep based parenting books, and nobody would be choosing to be tired instead of simply "sorting the sleep issue". Bit of a bug bear - parents who say "well I wouldn't stand for it" either haven't had a very poor sleeper too young to reason with, or they have been willing to shut the door on a screaming baby who just isn't going to stop, and hope they haven't choked to death on their own vomit by morning...

Original poster

AmberNectarine · 14/07/2012 16:43

Boffin I quite agree, though it is his brother's stag so I kind of have to let it slide.

Paradise to be honest I think I'm perhaps capable of something a little more articulate and ladylike than calling him a cunt and telling him to fuck off, but then maybe that's where we 'martyrs' are going wrong...

Thanks for all your input, we had a discussion when he surfaced and I am getting tomorrow afternoon 'off'. Not quite a spa weekend or a bar full of underage Brazillians, but Rio wasn't built in a day...

OP posts:

Original poster

AmberNectarine · 14/07/2012 16:45

He also acknowledges that he was selfish and unreasonable, but then he usually does. The ultimate goal will be getting his brain to kick in before his mouth, not 12 hours later.

OP posts:

TheOneWithTheHair · 14/07/2012 17:07

Of course he's reasonable now he's got his own way. Sorry to sound harsh but it's true. My dh used to be like this so there is hope. Everytime he was unreasonable I used to say please don't do this again, it did work in the end but it was a hard slog. I wish you all the luck and hope you can find some peace and rest soon.

cubbie · 14/07/2012 17:14

alpine pony
wrt to your comment about "being tired, parenting and we knew what were getting into, " I don't any think any parent KNOWS what they are getting into!!!!

Yes, we have an idea, but the reality is totally different!!! I am sure we have all experienced levels of tiredness that seem absolutely unberabale. Before I had mine (and I desperately wanted them, was a definite choice), I had NO IDEA WHATSOEVER about how tiring it can. (not to mention frustrating/aggravating/difficult oh and joyful)

I don't think anyone can convey to a would-be parent how exhausting it can be. And i'm fairly certain nobody would actually procreate if they had the slightest idea of the tiredness etc in store for them haha!

I think you are being unnecessarily harsh on the OP. I say that in the politest possible way.

paradisechick · 14/07/2012 17:19

I'll look for tomorrow's thread...

Am I being unreasonable to be pissed of my dh is still in bed even though he promised me the afternoon off?

Original poster

AmberNectarine · 14/07/2012 17:28

Please don't bother.

OP posts:

tiddleypompom · 14/07/2012 18:28

Ignore the bitchiness op - you'd think if the thread was so very irritating they might find something better to do than being sarcastic to make you feel bad. Hope you enjoy your afternoon!

cubbie · 14/07/2012 18:56

OP YADNBU

I haven't come to the end of the thread yet but just had a couple of thoughts. My DS1 wouldn't touch a bottle/cup when I was BF, not even EBM. Would just scream. And if I went out, I'd get the phone call and the phone would be put to DS1 so he could scream for me to hear. Caused a few near misses as I raced home.

With DS2, I decided I would NOT follow all the advice about not giving EBM from a bottle for at least 6 weeks etc etc. DS2 got a bottle of EBM from me and DH from the word go, and from anyone who would have him! I still BF'd.

I realise this is obviously too late in the day for you! When I switched to formula (ttc DS2), DS1 really liked Cow and Gate Follow on Milk, it has vanilla in it and he still loves it!! Obviously he doesn't have bottles, but occasionally, I buy the odd bottle of ready-made. Maybe try this one?

Also, try contacting your HV, twice I had a helper for a couple of hours a week, from their Home Start scheme. It's for families of young children, it was helpful to have someone else who could take one out, or whatever helped me most at the time.

I feel for you. It's a miracle if you can get 2 to have a nap at the same time, though now your older one doesn't nap?? (have come back to this post after an hour or so, my DC were outside and had to go with them.)

Have you tried blackout blinds?? Quite useful for helping them sleep lonegr in the morning/go to sleep better at night in the summer. I've got a spare set from Amazon (unopened)I never got round to sending back (as we were going on hol next day and I got 2 sets to see which ones would arrive first). I'd be happy to sell them to you if you thought they might be helpful. I know I find them invaluable. ( I also close the living-room curtains during the day/early evening if I want mine to be quiet/calm down before bed etc.)

Hope you get a long lie soon. I can only say mine are now 4 and 5, and they sleep longer in the morning, sometimes I have to wake them! I do get a long lie but still have plenty of days when I'm totally exhausted. Have a non MN hug, if I dare!

Viviennemary · 14/07/2012 19:12

If he's normally reasonable helpful and kind there is no point in making a big fuss about one incident. Not that I always take my own advice. Still it's difficult being pregnant and having two very small children.

We took lie ins but on a flexible basis. If one of us was really exhasted then the other one woudl do it even if it wasn't their turn. Or he'd take them out to the park or something in the afternoon and I'd have a rest. But that wouldn't help you this time. Now it's the cat waking us all up at 5 am every morning.

Cheriefroufrou · 14/07/2012 19:15

I hate hen nights, mostly turn em down but occassionally feel obliged to go to the odd one

I expect a LOT of sympathy from DH , he knows I hate them, he knows I hate alcohol and it wipes me out for days.. I'ld be wanting the lie in!

Socknickingpixie · 14/07/2012 19:19

Op yadnbu I hope he keeps his word.

However paradise I cordally invite you to my house bring a baseball bat I think I could use your skills on Tuesday

Original poster

AmberNectarine · 14/07/2012 19:45

cubbie thanks for your lovely post. I have been meaning to try follow on milk as DS's tasted like icing sugar (though not sure if that is the best basis for trying it!) We have black out blinds which have helped massively with DS but the baby seems to be determined to wake at the crack of dawn as babies so often are. I know it will get better at some point, I'd just quite like that point to be tomorrow!

vivienne you're right, he is mostly lovely, so I shouldn't stress too much, he just has a terrible selfish streak which gets worse when he is tired.

OP posts:

littlebluechair · 14/07/2012 20:54

I think the worrying part is he doesn't respect your input as a sahm and he tests you - wtf - on putting stuff away - that sounds pretty draining to me.

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