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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely incandescent about this?

131 replies

AmberNectarine · 14/07/2012 06:30

Not so 'D'H is off on a stag do this morning, back tomorrow PM. Normally we each have a lie in on a weekend morning, but obviously as he won't be here tomorrow morning I have no option but to get up with the DCs (2.6 and 12mo), which will likely be before 6am.

Now, as he is off on a jolly and I will be doing all the childcare this weekend I has rather foolishly assumed I would get the lone lie-in this morning, but when we discussed it last night I was informed I am incredibly selfish, as obviously overall he would get less sleep this weekend, as he is on a stag do.

Bit of background: I am on mat leave at the moment, DH works long hours and was away with work this week. He is also additionally tired as he was away with work for a couple of days this week, and was out out on the lash til gone midnight both nights (I know this as he phoned me 'to tell me that he loved me' Hmm while merry). Our DD (12mo) has never slept through and still wakes 3+ times per night, and as I am bf and he is working I deal with every single night waking, so the one little bit of uninterrupted sleep I get on a weekend morning is very precious to me, and I am loath to relinquish it.

Am I being unreasonable to think that, actually, that is his choice, and no one is forcing him to go and get ridiculously shitfaced and stay out til all hours, whereas I have no choice but to look after our children?

Disclaimer: my judgement may be clouded as I haven't had a night out since March and that was for a couple of hours.

OP posts:
MrsMangoBiscuit · 14/07/2012 07:31

I wonder how the OP's DH would react to taking on so much of the child care to accomodate her new found social life, that's being planned here. Especially seeing as he won't even take on a couple of hours in the morning to enable the OP to get her share of some much needed sleep.

Original poster
AmberNectarine · 14/07/2012 07:32

Jamie that is exactly it, thanks for summing it up.

OP posts:
Gumby · 14/07/2012 07:35

Oh that's handy - let them both wear themselves out at party
You get to sit down & have a cuppa
Get them in bed at 6;)
Snooze time!!

TheEnglishWomanInTheAttic · 14/07/2012 07:35

YANBU it would be only fair for you to get the lie-in before he goes.

I get a similar amount of sleep to you - have a 6 year old who sleeps fine, a 4 year old who sleeps fine but gets up at 5am every day, and a 14 month old who has only slept "through" (8pm-5am) a few nights in his life and is usually up 3 or 4 times a night. I get one lie-in a week in theory (DH leaves for work at 6.15am in the week) but it doesn't always happen for various reasons - when it does happen it makes a big difference.

I did night wean him at 11 months and that helped (he was a worse sleeper when BF at night) and as others have suggesed try cows milk if your 12 month old won't take formula - my littlest also refused milk in any form except direct from breast until he was almost 12 months, when he started to take cows milk from a bottle, helped enormously, and if it works will help your DH settle her.

Apart from anything your 'D'h is totally unreasonable to shout at you, almost what ever the reason.

Self imposed tiredness from nights out is optional, baby-imposed tiredness is not, it is not a competition, it is a matter of coping and making choices to allow everyone in the family to cope Alpine Pony is barking up the wrong tree IMO.

Original poster
AmberNectarine · 14/07/2012 07:36

My mind really does boggle at how he thinks this is a fair deal - and he genuinely does. If I was going away for a hen weekend, and insisted on robbing him of a lie-in he would tell me to get stuffed (and rightly so)

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 14/07/2012 07:36

Childcare at the weekends is both their responsibilities. The OP is taking on all of that responsibility for the weekend. In return, she should get her usual lie-in. Posters suggesting she goes out and parties when she's up three times a night seem to be missing the point...

Jaffacakeeater · 14/07/2012 07:38

Sounds like a bit of a mountain/molehill situation which makes me think there's more to it than just one lie-in that's being argued about. OP, perhaps you should contact your health visitor about your dc's sleeping issues. My Dsis is getting some help with her DS as he's still BFing all night at 13mo and it's driving her crazy. You have my sympathy though. I'm afraid I stopped BFing at 9 mo because DS would only sleep with my boob in his mouth and this resulted in shitty nights for both of us.

WhoWillDoMyHoovering · 14/07/2012 07:39

YAB a bit U, because I envy you your lie-ins! I'm also on mat leave, also bf, also do every night wake up, all nappies, all... everything, also have DP who deprives himself of his sleep with pub outings, also works so hard he cannot help with childcare (or housework) because work causes him to be too tired, etc. I have not had the offer of a lie-in, ever. So enjoy the ones you do get!

Jaffacakeeater · 14/07/2012 07:40

Oh and YANBU about being shouted at etc.

fireice · 14/07/2012 07:40

I dont see how he can think that you having one of the lie-ins is unfair. If he chooses to spend his recovering from a hangover then that is his choice.

BTW, have you tried offering your DD soya milk or rice milk? You might not want to give her it all the time, but as an infrequent thing it might be acceptable to her?

strawberrypenguin · 14/07/2012 07:40

YANBU we have a similar arrangement in this house one lay in each. This weekend my DH is out both days 'playing' but has given me a small lay in this morning before he needs to go and will probably insist on doing the same tomorrow.
Amber's DH you are being a selfish twat, your lovely wife if working all weekend so that you can go and play the least you could do is give her a lay in. If it was the other way round I'm sure you'd expect it.

dinkydoos · 14/07/2012 07:41

I can't believe some posters are having a go at the OP here!

I 'know' her from another board even though I usually only lurk and I can assure you is definitely not the moaning joyless type which I think some of you are suggesting!

She's knackered and came on here to vent!
OP, I would get the kids ready, go out to a soft play and just not be there when DH wakes. Send him a message telling him not to contact you today, and then blank his calls.

It's not really about who's turn it is, the point is he doesn't seem to want to make you happy if it means it costs him iyswim

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 14/07/2012 07:42

WhoWill

Your selfish DP doesn't make ops selfish dh any less selfish

Am amazed what people put up with

ladyintheradiator · 14/07/2012 07:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
AmberNectarine · 14/07/2012 07:43

Jaffa it probably is a mountain out of a molehill, but it is part of a wider problem, which is that my DH thinks I am superwoman and never need any sleep/downtime. He also doesn't really have any respect for my current SAHM status, the odd 'you do nothing all day' comment slips out, before he immediately retracts it. He'll also do things like see a pile of washing waiting to be put away and rather than put it away, kind of 'test' me by seeing how long it stays there and then get cross if it doesn't get moved within an acctable timescale.

OP posts:
strawberrypenguin · 14/07/2012 07:44

In short whoever is 'playing' is the one who forfeits their lay in as it's a choice and child are isn't.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 14/07/2012 07:44

Here's a thought ........how about being a grown up and planning not to have a hangover? I managed to work out how to do that a few years ago

tryingtoleave · 14/07/2012 07:46

You should definitely get both sleep ins next weekend, and as a much of a day off as you can manage. My dh was a bit of an arse the year after dc2 was born and I found I had to be as strict as possible about reciprocal breaks (even though I didn't want to be like that) because he would otherwise totally take the piss. Things are much better now that the dcs are 3 and 5 and we are not under so much stress.

Also, both my dcs used to wake a lot in the evening. It stopped sometime between 1 and 2 - although I can't remember when or why they stopped.

BlingLoving · 14/07/2012 07:47

Yup, totally unreasonable of him. I am trying to imagine dh in this situation but can't. If he was off on a stag do he would be deeply apologetic about leaving me with all responsibility for the weekend, would give me the first lie in and would get back in time to do bath and bed on Sunday if he could.

zookeeper · 14/07/2012 07:47

YANBU a nd he is being selfish but you both sound very tired which is very disabling for you both.

I would resist the temptation to throw your dcs into the room where your DH is sleeping (preferably with a trumpet and drum) and start planning a lovely restful weekend or night out for when you are not bf.

As your DD is not tiny I would definitely persevere with expressing into a bottle and leaving her with DH for small periods to start with - it's all very well for posters to say that you should just leave er with her dad but you wouldn't enjoy yourself if you were away for a weekend knowing she was screaming at home so start now.

Tiredeness makes everything seem so much worse - could you nap when they sleep?

Sorry to go off track, but I can remember that bone numbing misery of being exhausted through lack of sleep and feel for you . It will pass - now I have to lug my dcs out of bed.
,

Original poster
AmberNectarine · 14/07/2012 07:48

Aw, I feel like I'm being a bitch and doing him down, when I love him dearly and actually he does work hard to provide a good living etc. and I know I'm very lucky I don't have any real problems. I'm just bloody knackered! He's not always a twat, honest!

OP posts:
ErikNorseman · 14/07/2012 07:50

Whowilldomyhoovering

Just because your husband is a useless twunt it doesn't mean op should be grateful that her husband is marginally less useless than yours.

Op he's being very selfish. However I think you need to book a night out and not come home at some point. It's dreadful that your one year old still won't settle with her dad. He needs to get on with it and push through. You can't carry on like that indefinitely!

fedupofnamechanging · 14/07/2012 07:50

He sounds like a proper charmer all round. I'd leave a marriage like this, but if you are going to stick it out, I suggest you stop doing anything for him. As a sahm (temporarily, or otherwise), your job is to care for the children - it isn't to shop for him, cook for him, do his laundry etc. He clearly has no respect for you and all that you do and I would be insisting on a 50/50 share of all domestic responsibilities at the weekend and when he finishes work - so no more going out on the piss.

If you let him, he will carry on like this - time to put your foot down, unless you want to be single handedly raising these kids, with him still in the house adding to your workload and criticising you!

NurseBernard · 14/07/2012 07:50

Oh my goodness, I almost have to stop reading this thread as it has my hackles rising right off my back and propelling themselves off into the stratosphere... Shock

Alpine - are you for real?? Have I dozed off and woken up in deepest, darkest Stepford? Hmm

Amber - YANBU and you know it. Your 'D'H is a complete arse. Jaysus. His need to go off and have a weekend-long jolly, no-one to be responsible for, hanging out with his mates, wining, dining, and swinging from the chandeliers makes him the prime candidate for the lie-in?? Shock In whose parallel universe does this seem reasonable?

NurseBernard · 14/07/2012 07:58

WhoWillDoMyHoovering - the OP is not being a bit unreasonable because her husband is incrementally a minutely bit less of an arse than yours.... Hmm

Stick up for yourself and change your situation. You realise it's not normal and acceptable, right?

Your DH isn't some celestial exception to the rule who works so much harder and so much longer than everyone else's, and should therefore be granted some sort of total and complete exemption from fatherhood and partner-in-life status.

Right, I seriously do need to move away from this thread, as it is doing my blood pressure no good.

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